To feel sorry for this lady?

[Spanglylycra]

Two of my male friends are having a baby via surrogate due later this year.I know they will make great parents and this isn't an anti-gay thread at all. The baby is via donor egg implanted into the surrogate who has no biological relationship. However (my AIBU) I can't help feeling sad for the surrogate. I know she is a grown woman capable of making her own decision and has gone into this willingly but she doesn't know them and doesn't owe them anything and despite payment being illegal in the UK there is still a very large "expenses" payment made which is well into 5 figures. So despite the fact they will be amazing parents I just feel sad/uncomfortable about the woman's role in this. On one hand they talk positively about her being amazing and selfless and on the other hand refer to her "just carrying it" which makes me sad for women being used as a vessel - it's a bit Handmaid-esque. Their social media posts are also starting to be covered in #dontforgetaboutdads and I just feel like the woman's role is being cut out. Just wondered what others may think am I over thinking this?!

Yes you are overthinking it.

She has free will and a choice and her "expenses" I am sure are a help/factor!

Oh I'm sure that's a massive factor but that makes me uncomfortable too - more so when they make out it's being done altruistically but the reality is £££££ involved. I am an over thinker though!

I have never agreed with surrogacy so YANBU Imo.

Would you feel the same if she was being a surrogate for a lesbian or straight couple?

It’s her choice.

Your experience and feelings are projecting into this woman. YANBU to feel the way you feel BUT...
to mention the bigger issue; it matters not one fig what you think, you can feel however you want to feel, it has no effect whatsoever on the people that matter.

Unless she is vulnerable I think you're over thinking it. I've often thought hypothetically about being a surrogate (don't know why I had terrible pregnancies!) and I actually love the idea of "just carrying" a child so that two other people can be parents. I would definitely want to make sure I was 100% confident they were going to be wonderful parents but I'd be more than happy to have my role forgotten - I wouldn't want to be the subject of any attention - I'd just be happy they were getting to be parents.

That said I have concern for vulnerable women who are forced into this position through social pressure/poverty or who are not mentally competent to agree to it.

Also I know you have the best intentions but if I was the surrogate I would resent anyone who tried to have my role recognised because that wouldn't be what I wanted.

Oh I know it doesn't matter what I think and the baby will be loved which is all that really matters.

I guess I can understand people doing it where there is a relationship e.g. A sister doing it for her sister to help family.

But with this and the money involved - I wouldn't say she is vulnerable but I think does have financial issues which makes me think what pressure must you be under to do this.

@IceCreamFace yes probably!

I agree with you in some ways- I don’t so much feel sorry for the woman (I feel more sorry for the doner egg- again her choice)- but I don’t like the way you describe the “fathers” as dismissing the women’s role in this- it’s pretty bloody pivotal. In my opinion a baby needs a mother- separate debate though.

I couldn't possibly carry a child for someone's else but as Amy Poeller so wisely says 'good for her, not for me'.

That said I have concern for vulnerable women who are forced into this position through social pressure/poverty or who are not mentally competent to agree to it.

This is why I have concerns about egg donation especially in clinics in countries where it’s not regulated like here.

I saw a program once about Indian surrogate “factories”, poor women forced by circumstances into it. That worries me.

Ultimately it is the choice of the surrogate mother - women have to be given the right to make their own choices about their own bodies, and that includes surrogacy. I actually think it’s rather the opposite of the handmaid’s tale, where women are forced against their will to bear children for others. That is very far from a woman making her own free decision. For many women, surrogacy is a hugely affirmative and positive process.

A surrogate can refuse to give up the baby at any point prior to the completion of the formal adoption process (which is several months after birth) and she will face no penalties for doing so. Surrogates can and do decide not to go through with it. So it really is a woman’s choice, and she has many opportunities to remake that choice if she wants to.

Payment of expenses doesn’t make the act less altruistic.

Their social media posts are also starting to be covered in #dontforgetaboutdads and I just feel like the woman's role is being cut out.

Would you have felt the same about this if they were adopting?

@PurpleDaisies I don't know, maybe not.

PurpleDaisies adoption is different- such a situation that a child being adopted finds themselves in isn’t chosen.

If she's in this country, the woman will have reached a decision to be a surrogate in a very positive, active way. She has volunteered for it - probably gone to quite a lot of trouble to do so - and she totally understands that her role is to 'just carry' a baby so that other people can become parents. Honestly, I think it's an amazing and powerful choice that she's made. Good for her. You do not need to feel sorry for her.

I don't know. It is difficult. I doubt whether the sympathy should lie with this individual woman or whether we should look at the structures that make surrogacy possible instead.
I think biology is overrated in terms of family connections. Kids want to be loved and it doesn't actually matter whether their primary caregiver has a blood-tie. But socially, biological origins are given such importance in our culture that this child will possibly grow up wondering why her mother gave her up. I think that could be mitigated by surrogates and couples staying in contact throughout the child's life and through being open from the outset.
Would you feel sorry for a sperm donor who has donated sperm but will have no involvement in the children's lives that result from it?

Your right when you say that she is a grown adult making her own decisions. She has choice and free will, she probably sees it as the same as them, and might have no emotional connection with the baby she is carrying.

ladycarlotta agree 100%

Also, you said this isn't an anti-gay pots but I doubt you would give this much thought to a straight couple...

All parties entered willingly, its an amazing thing to do for someone. Just be happy for them. Honestly, Handmaid-esque ??

None of them are unhappy about it, so quite frankly, it is none of your business.

I find careless natural procreation much more concerning than this situation tbh. Certainly, the babe will need good female role models as well as male ones. But it sounds like the babe will be well loved and taken care of, which is the most important thing.

It makes me think of The Handmaid's Take too TBH. I also can't help but feel sorry for the baby losing the person who he or she will see as their mum.

You might say you're not anti-gay but you sure as hell sound it.