To feel sorry for this lady?

[Spanglylycra]

Two of my male friends are having a baby via surrogate due later this year.I know they will make great parents and this isn't an anti-gay thread at all. The baby is via donor egg implanted into the surrogate who has no biological relationship. However (my AIBU) I can't help feeling sad for the surrogate. I know she is a grown woman capable of making her own decision and has gone into this willingly but she doesn't know them and doesn't owe them anything and despite payment being illegal in the UK there is still a very large "expenses" payment made which is well into 5 figures. So despite the fact they will be amazing parents I just feel sad/uncomfortable about the woman's role in this. On one hand they talk positively about her being amazing and selfless and on the other hand refer to her "just carrying it" which makes me sad for women being used as a vessel - it's a bit Handmaid-esque. Their social media posts are also starting to be covered in #dontforgetaboutdads and I just feel like the woman's role is being cut out. Just wondered what others may think am I over thinking this?!

Long list

Thanks @Italiangreyhound

I have 3 friends who have beautiful DC, all adopted after failed infertility treatment

Sadly I also know many people in the infertility and surrogacy community who weren't able to adopt for a multitude of reasons

One couple had moved house specifically because their SW said they didn't have enough outside space - and then when they moved to somewhere that ticked the boxes, were told they didn't have enough family support close by (who they'd moved away from to get somewhere with a garden!).

I'm trying to write a book about the reality of infertility and pregnancy loss - because not all stories end in a baby, and happy endings can take many different forms, not just the miracle baby that every other book ends with. I would love to get positive stories of adoption to share the positive outcomes - I'm only at the proposal stage, so don't yet know if it'll get a publisher and I'll be able to write the whole book, but I am really keen to represent the truth about both adoption after infertility, and finding a meaningful life without children - that happy endings take different forms, even if it wasn't how you'd planned

I would absolutely love to include positive stories about adoption - do you think it would be OK to mention the project on the adoption boards? I've got a questionnaire for people to share their stories anonymously - so far I've only mentioned it in a few infertility forums, so the responses to the adoption section of the questionnaire have only been the negative stories.

http://uberbarrens.club is the book project

And this is the questionnaire https://uberbarrens.club/share

If the book proposal gets accepted I would love to be able to represent as many different voices as possible. And it's beautiful to hear such happy stories of adoption, alongside the not so happy ones I've come across

(I'm also speaking to the DCN about sharing the project with DCN members - have had lots of responses to the donor conception section, would be honoured if you'd consider sharing your thoughts on your own journey through infertility, donor and adoption - understand completely if you'd prefer not to, but couldn't hurt to ask!)

I'll give it a think. I love talking about adoption.

Maybe ask Mumsmet if you can post on the adoption boards.

I am so sorry to hear about your friends and the house move. Sometimes there is bad planning, bad mistakes etc. We were lucky to have great social workers and to have had fabulous support. I do realize how lucky we are.

@PeachMelba78 I read your blog post you linked to. Thank you.

In it you refer to your child's dad (your word), who made your child's creation possible (my words).

If the male in the picture is the dad for your child, why are you not the mum (biological mum) for the child you are carrying? Tgis is a genuine question but please feel free not to answer.

In terms of defining altruistic surrogacy - it is, presumably, freely given. Which is why paying someone to do it changes the nature of it.

I'm personally not against altruistic surrogacy but I am against paid surrogacy.

I think my own concerns around the womem carrying babies for others being not seen as birth or biological mothers is that it is writing mums out of the picture and is therefore untruthful.

When we went through treatment with donor eggs (three times, unsuccessful) and through adoption (successful) it was always impressed on us to tell the truth in appropriate ways with any child we had.

I can see if the woman just sees it as a service the word 'mother' might not make sense. But the idea of a child with no biological mother makes even less sense to me.

Thanks Italian, I definitely will

I spoke to the COO of MN at Fertility Fest, an arts festival I volunteered at all about infertility, where she was on a panel, and mentioned the book project. I will def check with them before posting anything - but just wanted to suss out an actual poster's opinion first, in case they thought it was a big nono!

One response made me so sad. They had 2 birth children but his wife had had difficult pregnancies, so they decided to pursue adoption for a third child. After 3 years of being passed around the system, lost case files, going through repeated assessments over and over, they just gave up as they were fed up of going nowhere. They tried for another birth child and sadly lost the pregnancy. There have been a lot of responses from people scarred by the process, so if I actually get to write the book I really want to make sure the balance is redressed to show that adoption can be a wonderfully happy ending to a difficult journey

bananafish81 the book sounds like a great idea.

There is no excuse for prospective adopters being treated badly/shoddyly etc.

One problem is, I think, most people want children with few issues, who are quite young.

If you have never experienced parenting you may not want to miss out on the baby years.

But if you have young kids you need at least 2 years between your youngest and adopted child, and probably don't want a lot of issues because you are thinking of impact on existing child/children.

Plus social services don't always provide enough support when it is needed.

When it works, adoption can be great for children and adoptive parents.

Don't want to derail, good luck with the book

Italian that is what works for our family. I wouldn’t dream of imposing that on another couple or family, plus the circumstances of our relationship with the kids Dad is very different.

Beomh the biological mother of a child isn't an imposition.

Staying in touch, seeing the child, getting updates. Those might be deemed an imposition if not wanted by the eventual parents.

Anyway, good luck with this. I hope all goes well.