To feel sorry for this lady?

[Spanglylycra]

Two of my male friends are having a baby via surrogate due later this year.I know they will make great parents and this isn't an anti-gay thread at all. The baby is via donor egg implanted into the surrogate who has no biological relationship. However (my AIBU) I can't help feeling sad for the surrogate. I know she is a grown woman capable of making her own decision and has gone into this willingly but she doesn't know them and doesn't owe them anything and despite payment being illegal in the UK there is still a very large "expenses" payment made which is well into 5 figures. So despite the fact they will be amazing parents I just feel sad/uncomfortable about the woman's role in this. On one hand they talk positively about her being amazing and selfless and on the other hand refer to her "just carrying it" which makes me sad for women being used as a vessel - it's a bit Handmaid-esque. Their social media posts are also starting to be covered in #dontforgetaboutdads and I just feel like the woman's role is being cut out. Just wondered what others may think am I over thinking this?!

Thanks Bananafish for answering those. I just want to add that I am only biologically related to 1 of my children but I feel the same way about both of them.
With the surrogacy I am not related to the baby, but both Dads are, either directly as the bio Dad or via family member being the egg donor

And possibly less sometimes, as one of the parents won't be related to the new baby at all

Why? If we were to have a baby via surrogacy our child would be 100% related to both my husband and I. They would be genetically him and me

Oh please. The couple I know who have a pregnant surrogate right now will not both be related the child have given more care, attention and concern to their pets - different species - over the last decade+ than some people give to their genetic offspring.

The principle and biology remain the same, irrespective of geography or legal structures. One person in the future home of the child is a biological parent and the other is not. I'm not saying that is inherently undesirable, but it is a fact. There are historical stories of grandmothers passing off their daughter's baby as their own if the pregnancy was socially taboo. They, of course, would have been related to the baby.

I wonder if someone/organisation has objectively looked at the preponderance of surrogate use globally.

Sweeping, personal viewpoints are not facts.

What you need to do is look at the situation in the country in which you are going to do the surrogacy/donation, who are the women doing it, is it entirely altruistic, commercial etc. and actually talk to people who have done and have been the children who have been born via this process.

There's no point just "wondering" on AIBU on this shit. Actually listen to what the children, donors and surrogates have to say rather than just imagining and coming up with your own gut instinct "theories".

Loopdeloo exactly! I find it funny that I am an actual surrogate, for a gay couple no less, and yet my posts are ignored as they don’t fit the narrative of many posters mindsets!

Also reduces babies as something to 'aquire' rather than made with love by two people who want them.

I know what you mean but I see it differently. Babies born through surrogacy are usually the result of many years of saving, self-denial, suffering (no holidays, no house deposit, many failed rounds of IVF, cancer etc) and longing. They could not be more loved and often come as a surprise, after all hope of having a baby through other routes was given up. Many, many wonderful people in the world are the result of a one-night stand or a bad relationship, or are simply unplanned. There's nothing wrong with that. How you got here doesn't define who you are. But there is an incredible amount of love, planning and hope in every surrogacy journey. The people who do it in this country are usually not rich, just desperate to have a child.

On the subject of only one parent being biologically related to the child...this is only sometimes the case. Very often, there is no need for an egg or sperm donor. However, in my own family, it was necessary for my relative to use a donor. Their experience has been surprising. The parent is who is not related to the child is absolutely adored by the child. I suppose any adoptive parents reading will roll their eyes and say 'of course'. But it really is interesting how there is no difference whatsoever. The child just doesn't care and it's impossible to imagine a more adored little person.

peachmelba I find that with feminism generally. What individual women think is considered irrelevant.

It's a wonderful thing you're doing.

I looked in to doing this for a friend of mine, it's not something you can walk into lightly. I wouldn't feel sorry for her, I would look at the beautiful thing she is doing for a great couple (I assume from your OP).
She is just a carrier but she will be fully aware of that when the agreement was made, the joy comes from seeing the happiness her actions will create

I find that with feminism generally

I am a feminist.

Most of the women here who don't agree with surrogacy and donation would not call themselves feminists! They just think it's "icky".

Heartease I am also a feminist. I am happy to be able to help a genuinely nice gay couple who just want what I have already. I am glad to be able to help them, just like our friend helped us.

I don't care if you are a feminist. Just saying I find that arrogant disdain for individual experience and opinion in feminism too.

It's quite arrogant to show such disdain for feminism but I won't get into a derail here.

I just really wouldn't have wanted that for my baby. I can't imagine leaving a baby in SCBU and getting on with my life.

Snuggy it’s not my baby though - it’s the parents baby. I’m just giving it to the couple who will love and look after it.

I think it's very hard for many of us to imagine carrying a baby and being able to see it like that.

Which is why I had to undergo counselling and tests, and why the UK has so few surrogates.
FWIW I could never donate my eggs because I have a biological child but I know and respect those women that can and do.

I think it'd be worse if the surrogate had contact with the child afterwards - i.e.if she were friends/related to the people whose baby she was having. How hard would it then be to be around the child that isn't yours? Or to see something you don't agree with when the child is growing up? Or as the parents of the baby to have the surrogate always over your shoulder? No, it's much easier this way.

I think it's very hard for many of us to imagine carrying a baby and being able to see it like that.

What are you suggesting? I don't think anyone 'feels able' to see a sick child. You don't get a choice.

A surrogate may not feel the parental panic that an intended parent feels or want the responsibility of making decisions that belong to the baby's new parents. That is NOT the same thing as 'being able' to see a sick child with equanimity.

My relative is still in close contact with the surrogate and there is no problem whatsoever. The families are friends.

This really can (and often does) be a very life-giving, happy thing.

Goth that’s how I feel too. I don’t live near the parents and we don’t have friends in common so although I’m sure we’ll stay in touch it will be as a more ‘distant friend’ way.
I don’t think I would cope so well if I had close contact after the birth, I just want to recover and spend time with my family.

I meant to give birth and feel no connection to the baby to the point you could want get on with life while the baby is in SCBU. I think it's fair to say the majority of the population would not be able to do that.

The principle and biology remain the same, irrespective of geography or legal structures. One person in the future home of the child is a biological parent and the other is not.

But that's not what you asked. You asked

I also wonder if most surrogates are more impoverished or if they tend to be used in countries where there is more poverty.

You asked specifically about whether surrogates were more likely to be impoverished or not. The economic status of surrogates will vary enormously depending on the country.

In the UK where surrogates don't receive compensation, just expenses, that's hugely different from a country like Ukraine where women are highly likely to be exploited due to poverty

In the US surrogates can be paid, but the screening process at reputable agencies is such that if a woman's family would be dependent on the surrogacy income, they wouldn't be accepted as a surrogate. I'm sure at less reputable agencies that may not be the case

You asked about economic status - thats going to vary hugely depending on the geography and legal structures.

I have really mixed feelings. I dislike the idea as babies as a commodity and absolute right to parenthood. I think babies are best raised in married or permanently committed couples. I think however, better a kind and loving gay family who have financial means to raise a secure and happy child than a child created with little thought to its upbringing and conceived irresponsibly without any planning or forethought.

I meant to give birth and feel no connection to the baby to the point you could want get on with life while the baby is in SCBU. I think it's fair to say the majority of the population would not be able to do that.

That's why the majority of the population aren't surrogates

It's something very few womens would want or be able to do. If it's not for you then you shouldn't do it. Those women who are surrogates feel very differently to you.