To think DP is being a dick about this?

[BlairWaldorfsHeadband]

I’m 18 weeks pregnant with twins, and I’m high risk. I have complex mental health issues that include very severe anxiety.

DP insists he needs to sleep for 12 hours everyone day otherwise he feels exhausted and upset. It keeps causing arguments.

I have told DP that his sleep impacts on our lives because it stops us doing family days out, it means I have to manage DC1, who has SN, alone every morning and make the breakfasts and get ready and get organised while pregnant. It means I barely get any time with DP.

He keeps saying he will sort it and every time I bring it up I’m “nagging” which apparently makes him resistant to change and makes him less likely to sort it.

He then says I have a weird fixation on what’s “normal” and if I just accepted as a family we do things differently I would be happy.

But I am not happy. I don’t want the kind of childhood for my DCs where this happens. I come from a family where we used to get up early and go to visit castles, go for picnics, and have days out. Not waste our lives in bed. It makes me depressed and contributes to how isolated and anxious I feel.

Apparently when I mention this I am unsupportive and uncaring about his issues. He insists it’s a medical problem.

I have tried implementing household sleep schedules, letting him have a day without the dc to lie in, making him a strong coffee, but all that does is get me accused of being a control freak who wants to control his sleeping.

It’s not me is it? He’s making me doubt myself. He is being a massive dickhead isn’t it he?!

OP the thing is even if he does have a medical condition where he needs more sleep (as I do), the point is that he shouldn’t play computer games all evening and go to bed at 1am
He should add those additional sleeping hours to his evening, rather than to your morning.
I.e. he needs to go to bed by 9pm and get up by 9am.

Don't get me wrong, it's normal to be tired when you're working.

...but when you've got kids it's a tough tits situation. Get some coffee down you and get to it. That's life.

Yeah because 'chin up, tits out' is much better advise for someone with complex MH issues than saying she needs to be aware that the birth of twins might have an impact and to ensure she has a support network around her.

He needs to go to a doctor to see if he has a medical condition or if he is just a lazy f***.

It looks like you will need to draw in a lot of help from family members if he doesn't step up. It is very important to make sure you also get some down time with twins and a toddler with SN. Mental health conditions are aggravated by lack of sleep so I think your need for sleep will be just as great (if not greater than your husband).

I’ve spoken to him and he’s agreed to ring his psychiatrist and to make a GP appointment about his thyroid.

It’s a start.

His job doesn’t involve heavy machinery and he has applied to some regular hours jobs that have a better salary and better hours because he agreed his shifts are messing it up.

He says he feels attacked by me taking this and makings it a big issue, which I see, but I don’t see how I can make it a small issue when it is quite big.

Its great that he is doing something to improve the situation...

Personally if you want to do something with your DC i would just do it. Tell your DH what you are planning and if he wants to join you then great if not go and do it anyway.

I spent so many weekends just me and my DD when she was young doing what i wanted to do whilst her dad went to the pub or played golf. He missed out on so much family time and it was a big reason why we broke up and he regrets it now.

Hence my subsequent post

Personally if you want to do something with your DC i would just do it. Tell your DH what you are planning and if he wants to join you then great if not go and do it anyway.

This is something I think I’m going to have to start doing.

Broken11Girl
I know society thinks there's some moral virtue to being up at 6 and in bed at 8 though, sick of people who can't do this being judged as lazy

I fully agree. Even people without children get up for work at 5-6AM as if it's normal. It's not. This is what unsatisfactory work conditions do to us all. This husband in the post, turns out, works shifts. Shift work fucks you up big time. I have sympathy for their situation and hope they will resolve it. (However, if I worked shifts, I'd never want children, that's how little stamina I've got)

OP, we can only go on what you tell us and your posts do come across as a list of your requirements - family days out, family sleep schedules, small gap between children - so posters are going to wonder what his ideal family life would look like, because we're only getting yours. You are trying to control his sleeping, he's going to get some further medical advice so leave it there for a bit (and I do think a job that doesn't involve shifts would really help here, but so much easier said than done).

Depression does make some people take to their bed - I know someone who does this. He could be worried about the arrival of the twins.

While 12 hours is a LOT to sleep, I don't think it's going to help you making a big thing out of this while he is seeking help. If he stops, then yes bring it up again but if you bring it up all the time he's going to just tune it out.

Again, in my personal experience dealing with someone who has anxiety, they do tend to pick a topic and bring it up time and time again because of their feelings about it, and don't consider it dealt with unless you agree with them. Has he always needed 12 hours sleep?

OK, so how about this:
He did some things towards improvement: agreed to see the doctor and applying for non-shift, regular hours jobs. That's a positive. So you, in turn, can, for now, not mention his sleep. As a compromise? He'll feel better about resolving this issue, and less resentful, if he feels HE is doing it himself, rather than you are pressuring him into sleeping less.

I have to ask, why on earth did you get pregnant with all this going on? I don't understand why anyone would do this.

It does sound like your DP has a serious problem that needs sorting out, If he's having tests. If he isn't deliberately shirking, perhaps you could have a bit of sympathy for him?

No. It's a 'be strong and take charge', which she's doing.

As others have said. He has to go to the GP, he needs to have energy for his kids. If there's no medical condition, then it's not fair for OP to be on her own whilst he's having a nap. If he does have a medical condition then he will hopefully get the help that he needs.

It's not ignoring MH issues, it's taking charge for your children because that's we do as parents.

We have both just spoken to his psychiatrist, and told her how bad it is. She’s agreed to prescribe some new ADHD medication that should apparently help with focus and structure and should help with all these issues.

Thank you for the advice everyone.

Sorry, I mean it's wrong for him to be leaving her own her own all the time whilst he's having a nap

Glad to hear that, OP. That's great news.

Get him working on a solution to the problem himself. He can't expect you to sort this out on your own, with twins on the way.

Hope it gets better

He feels attacked

Your partner needs to understand that part and parcel of having an adult relationship is being able to be open and honest with each other. Sometimes that means having difficult conversations. When you say "I am unhappy because of XYZ" is is incredibly manipulative to respond by saying that he feels you are attacking him.

Perhaps it is not intentional. But it is so, so unfair to say this because it implies that you are being unfair and unreasonable by wanting to discuss something. It's the equivalent of a child sticking their hands over their ears and going "la la la, can't hear you" when you try and talk to them about something they don't want to do.

He sounds very emotionally immature.

He is being a dick! He also needs to adjust his sleep expectations before the twins arrive. There's no way you should be expected to deal with 3 young dcs whilst he gets his 12 hours sleep every day.

Also sleeping such long hours is not healthy. He's probably lethargic rather than actually tired. Is his work very physical? Does he use vast amounts of energy every day. What time does he go to bed?

Sounds like you are actually very strong and doing very well, despite your mh issues. And when he says you're nagging, that is because he just doesn't want to change things, very selfish of him. But, a change is needed. And your needs should not be ignored. And you need a partner who is fully committed to family life and to your partnership.

I think your dh needs to decide and choose if he wants to be a family man or a teen-type person who wastes his energies on computer games. Maybe a change in lifestyle could help this situation. Does he do any physical exercise at all? If he says he needs all this sleep, then he needs to find a way to accommodate that and still have time for his family. Would he (and you) consider just stopping the gaming altogether? Perhaps it is not compatible with family life.

If he goes to the doctor, and is genuinely interested in sorting this out, he needs to mention all his lifestyle habits - his diet, his shift work, his gaming, his physical fitness, all of it.

Is he addicted to the gaming? Would he even agree to an experiment for you both to just not use the computer for say a month and find healthier things to do?

Best of luck sorting this before the twins get here

Wow I want his consultant! I recently waited 3 months to receive a letter of support and new prescription from my child's doctor.

I spent 7yrs in this situation. I left. Now my OH gets up, helps out and it's so much better. I have so much resentment for my ex's waking up issues!

His consultant is wonderful to be fair. She’s told us to ring her if there’s any problems. DP is rubbish at keeping on top of things so he’s agreed to let me call her and given her permission to speak to me.

He’s being far more reasonable this morning which I appreciate.

Jaxhog
I have to ask, why on earth did you get pregnant with all this going on? I don't understand why anyone would do this

I don't either but it' just me. OP is a different person so anyone asking her that is kinda pointless because she is already pregnant and she has her life. We have to respect that, if we want to help.

RE: Vitamin D - someone brought this up. Damn right. My GP told me ages ago that the entire UK has a low level of it because it just isn't a sunny country, so we all should take the supplement in autumn throughout the winter. Low levels of it affect the immune system (making you more susceptible to colds ets) and can make you sluggish.

He needs also a proper, thorough blood test (thyroid, levels of Vit D, iron, haemoglobin etc - full works). Maybe his MH medication makes him sleepy too, as it often does.

OP mentioned his gaming. It probably is his escapism from a tough life: shift work, small child with SN. I would understand that completely, but maybe OP and he can plan a week ahead, which days/hours he agrees to do something with a child, when he has his "me time", when OP has hers, when and who does which housework. And then both stick to the plan.

I have to ask, why on earth did you get pregnant with all this going on? I don't understand why anyone would do this.

We had an unplanned second pregnancy and I lost it. We were both devastated but it absolutely destroyed me. I then felt the only way I could heal was another baby.

I also had concerns with my own anxiety, that flares up when I am pregnant. I hate being pregnant because it makes me feel unwell and so felt like I wanted to get it out of the way.

I was also an only child and was so incredibly lonely. I’ve never really related to people and haven’t got many friends and swore I wouldn’t let my child be alone like I was. He is on the autistic spectrum (as I likely am) and so he is already “different”, and I want him to have siblings and to have what I missed out on.

Those are my reasons. I understand they may sound silly to others but to me they are not.