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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is being a dick about this?

350 replies

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 07:57

I’m 18 weeks pregnant with twins, and I’m high risk. I have complex mental health issues that include very severe anxiety.

DP insists he needs to sleep for 12 hours everyone day otherwise he feels exhausted and upset. It keeps causing arguments.

I have told DP that his sleep impacts on our lives because it stops us doing family days out, it means I have to manage DC1, who has SN, alone every morning and make the breakfasts and get ready and get organised while pregnant. It means I barely get any time with DP.

He keeps saying he will sort it and every time I bring it up I’m “nagging” which apparently makes him resistant to change and makes him less likely to sort it.

He then says I have a weird fixation on what’s “normal” and if I just accepted as a family we do things differently I would be happy.

But I am not happy. I don’t want the kind of childhood for my DCs where this happens. I come from a family where we used to get up early and go to visit castles, go for picnics, and have days out. Not waste our lives in bed. It makes me depressed and contributes to how isolated and anxious I feel.

Apparently when I mention this I am unsupportive and uncaring about his issues. He insists it’s a medical problem.

I have tried implementing household sleep schedules, letting him have a day without the dc to lie in, making him a strong coffee, but all that does is get me accused of being a control freak who wants to control his sleeping.

It’s not me is it? He’s making me doubt myself. He is being a massive dickhead isn’t it he?!

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 17/08/2018 10:16

So you're going to singlehandedly care for DC1 and newborn twins all by yourself and you're ok with that?

TatianaLarina · 17/08/2018 10:17

What’s the problem with that exactly?

The problem is you’re on here complaining of a dysfunctional DP. He’s in bed half the day and when he’s awake he’s at work or gaming.

It doesn’t sound like he has the resources to deal with his decision at all. Or that he has any grasp of what is involved. Perhaps he just agreed with you to keep the peace.

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 10:18

I don’t mind doing the childcare by myself as long as we get one family day at the weekend.

OP posts:
Gin96 · 17/08/2018 10:18

Why on earth did you have babies with this man? You will be left holding all 3 babies, he will find it all touch, men can and do walk away, women can’t

TatianaLarina · 17/08/2018 10:19

Or half a family day, because he will be in bed for some of it...

TwistedStitch · 17/08/2018 10:19

I don't think anyone is saying that people who have a child with a disability shouldn't have existing children- but of course it has to be considered carefully. If there are additional parental MH issues impacting day to day living and one parent isn't really on board with another pregnancy so soon then that is what people are saying seems irresponsible.

bumblingbovine49 · 17/08/2018 10:20

OP. you will get a limited amoutn of sympathy on MN for anything to do with needing more sleep.

I do think the posters who have suggested beign more proactive with the GP for advise/help are spot on. Assuming your DH is actually sleeping and not just lying in bed reading/messing about on his phone; needing 12 hrs a night of sleep to function is not usual. Shift work will definitly not be helping.

TwistedStitch · 17/08/2018 10:20

Should say additional not existing

PerverseConverse · 17/08/2018 10:21

You obviously have no idea what it's going to be like having newborn twins. You both sound incredibly naive and deluded.

Chocolaterainbows · 17/08/2018 10:21

I would encourage your partner to go to the GP and see if there is anything else they can do to improve his mood/ sleep pattern.

In an ideal world he needs to go bed at a more sensible time and at least to be being seen as trying to take control over his situation as much as he is able to.

But he cannot be made to do anything. He is an adult and responsible for himself.

I would make a plan for yourself, as if you were a single parent, of how you are going to handle things when the twins arrive. You will probably need a lot more help from your mum, if she is willing to give it.

stegosauruslady · 17/08/2018 10:24

He needs to get himself to the GP pronto! DP was struggling with this late last year (also a shift worker) turned out that his Vitamin D levels were silly low. After the course of tablets it is sooooo much better!

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 10:24

You obviously have no idea what it's going to be like having newborn twins. You both sound incredibly naive and deluded.

I’ve had an incredibly hard DC1. I survived. I’m perfectly able to deal with the twins.

OP posts:
TwistedStitch · 17/08/2018 10:27

You don't know how your mental health might be impacted post birth though. I waited over 6 years between my 2 DC and I still ended up with awful PND. You are at increased risk if you already have significant MH issues. You need to try to ensure that you have a good support network around you as to be frank your partner isn't it.

TatianaLarina · 17/08/2018 10:28

I wonder if your mental health issues are not as bad as you think. I’m not suggesting for one minute that you’re misrepresenting them. But if you are sure you can cope with a child, twin babies, a job and a dysfunctional DP then you’re pretty damn tough.

Many people with severe anxiety would be in complete meltdown in your situation.

C0untDucku1a · 17/08/2018 10:30

Op i understand why you feel attacked here, but people are not wrong. Your children will be at a disadvantage. That’s just life, sadly

It can take a lot of effort to get sen children what they need in school and from services and unforntuately your children have one totally useless parent and one with complex mental health issues

Your dp needs to go to his gp
That should be non negotiable

Apologies for lack of punctuation as it has randomly stopped working

Gin96 · 17/08/2018 10:35

You will cope because you have to but it will be hard work. What will happen when they get sick, will he help then? Can you still work with 3 babies?

Annalogy · 17/08/2018 10:37

I feel for you, OP.

Surely if he can physically get up for work, he can help with DC? Sounds like he can't be arsed.

My DD was up at 4:30 this morning. Could I be arsed? Nope! Was I up doing tummy time? Yup!

We don't have a choice, though. That's what being a parent is Smile

You sound great and you'll be fine with the twins, because you have to be.

AnyFucker · 17/08/2018 10:37

Could people stop having a go at op please

She's got a shithead for a partner and is looking for support

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 10:38

But if you are sure you can cope with a child, twin babies, a job and a dysfunctional DP then you’re pretty damn tough.

Many people with severe anxiety would be in complete meltdown in your situation.

I have issues with underestimating my ability. I wonder if that’s happening here.

You don't know how your mental health might be impacted post birth though. I waited over 6 years between my 2 DC and I still ended up with awful PND. You are at increased risk if you already have significant MH issues. You need to try to ensure that you have a good support network around you as to be frank your partner isn't it.

This is true but I never had PND last time despite being told by pretty much everyone I would get it. I got very bad anxiety before the birth but afterwards, I was okay, so I am hopeful it will be the same this time but obviously I can’t guarantee it.

OP posts:
FASH84 · 17/08/2018 10:40

So neither of you work, he games and sleeps for twelve hours a day and you've both chosen to have three children.....

BloodyDisgrace · 17/08/2018 10:41

What sort of job does he have? Is it stressful? Long commute? Does his work involve operating some sort of machinery (i.e. the kind where you really really need to be awake in order not to injure yourself/others)? Is he in a good health?

I will probably incur wrath here but I think it's best to leave the idea of what's "normal". Some people do need that much sleep. I, for one, need 10 hours, not prescribed 8, and now feel the difference. Some people have high levels of energy (like you and your early-waking family), some have the lower ones. One has to work around that, and these kind of limitations, rather than expect them to "measure up" to your expectations.

I'm sure you will find a way to feel more supported by him (you already said he's a great dad when he's awake), but making him feel bad about his sleep isn't one of them definitely.

Annalogy · 17/08/2018 10:41

Why are people making OP worry needlessly? Saying she's going to get bloody PND!

Why make her worry even more? Awful.

You'll be fine. Chin up, tits out. You're strong, you've got this. With or without him. Thanks

FASH84 · 17/08/2018 10:41

Scratch that he works shifts, that doesn't help with sleep disturbance, he needs to see his gp

whattimeislove · 17/08/2018 10:42

@FASH84 where did you get that from? The OP has said that he works FT shifts and she works PT

TatianaLarina · 17/08/2018 10:43

I have issues with underestimating my ability. I wonder if that’s happening here.

Perhaps it is, what you’re dealing with is impressive for anyone, let alone someone with mental health issues.

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