To think DP is being a dick about this?

[BlairWaldorfsHeadband]

I’m 18 weeks pregnant with twins, and I’m high risk. I have complex mental health issues that include very severe anxiety.

DP insists he needs to sleep for 12 hours everyone day otherwise he feels exhausted and upset. It keeps causing arguments.

I have told DP that his sleep impacts on our lives because it stops us doing family days out, it means I have to manage DC1, who has SN, alone every morning and make the breakfasts and get ready and get organised while pregnant. It means I barely get any time with DP.

He keeps saying he will sort it and every time I bring it up I’m “nagging” which apparently makes him resistant to change and makes him less likely to sort it.

He then says I have a weird fixation on what’s “normal” and if I just accepted as a family we do things differently I would be happy.

But I am not happy. I don’t want the kind of childhood for my DCs where this happens. I come from a family where we used to get up early and go to visit castles, go for picnics, and have days out. Not waste our lives in bed. It makes me depressed and contributes to how isolated and anxious I feel.

Apparently when I mention this I am unsupportive and uncaring about his issues. He insists it’s a medical problem.

I have tried implementing household sleep schedules, letting him have a day without the dc to lie in, making him a strong coffee, but all that does is get me accused of being a control freak who wants to control his sleeping.

It’s not me is it? He’s making me doubt myself. He is being a massive dickhead isn’t it he?!

Wow that was fast! Less than 20 minutes to get his medication changed.

Well gosh that resolved itself very neatly.

Well done op, ignore the haters. Heaven forfend they should lose their perfect health or perfect life, it happens easily and sometimes very quick!
Yes to making your own 'mum' friends too, maybe through activities. Your dc is getting old enough to go and wake daddy to play on his day off!

We don’t know if it will be resolved as it might not work but at least he’s trying now. I showed him some responses and I think he realised he was being a bit childish.

It very well could be medical. I have a friend who was recently diagnosed with narcolepsy at age 37... Not saying it's that but could be something else. Having said that, he's being a total twat not making an attempt to sort out the problem!

He’s going to get a doctors appointment to discuss it after he has his new medication too, especially as he seems like he might have thyroid issues.

He has apologised for his behaviour in the night too.

He is not a bad person and is usually very kind, just dysfunctional with his sleep, so I am happy with this outcome.

I do have to say that being able to get hold of his psychiatrist straight away, talk to him/her directly and secure agreement to change his meds, all in the space of one morning, is an amazing achievement.

We don’t have them yet. She’s emailed his GP and we are waiting to collect the prescription. He’s now got Lisdexamphetimine I think instead of what he was on, which he wasn’t taking because of horrid effects.

I do think there’s possibly something a bit funny going on, but anyway regardless of all that, I do think OP would benefit from looking at the whole situation not just part of it and trying to make some positive changes.

Agree with others. Quite a rapid turnaround. Almost unbelievably so.

To your OP: YABU I think. Not sure why you expect your partner to be supportive with your ‘complex mental health issues’ when you have such a shitty attitude to his needs in return. I hope the situation is being carefully monitored by your doctor/mental health services as this is a nightmare of a situation to raise a child in, let alone add another two. It comes across very much like you expect to be catered to (I read the previous thread a PP linked) unquestioningly but when your OH is struggling with some kind of need it’s all about you.

I hope the situation is being carefully monitored by your doctor/mental health services as this is a nightmare of a situation to raise a child in, let alone add another two.

My child is fine. He is loved, fed, read to, taken to activities, taken for days out...I don’t know exactly why you think there is a problem.

My conditions are diagnosed, I have no problem helping him with a condition but when he refuses to help himself it is frustrating, however he is agreeing to now.

So we now find out that DH has medication that he is not taking due to horrendous side effects, but that wasn't worth mentioning before?

You've also stressed that DH is unreasonably having 12 hours sleep, but iirc you said most nights he goes to bed between 11 and 1 and gets up between 9am to 12pm, so that's not consistently 12 hours, some days maybe more some less. Is he actually sleeping or just staying in bed? You (and he) may be underestimating his depression as sleeping and isolation are big indicators. Also you mention that you both have ADHD and that because it doesn't make you sleep more, it shouldn't affect him that way either; that's a really unfair assertion as the same condition can affect different people in different ways. He also has depression "sometimes", yet you still feel that you can insist on something for your convenience and not his...

Given that you already said that pregnancy makes you more anxious and you don't deal with it well, do you think maybe that you might be overreacting a little to your family situation? What does DH (and indeed you) do on the two days that DS is not home? What shift pattern is DH working, and are the days he sleeps more the days he is not working?

What do you do for work, and will you be able to continue once DTs arrive? Is DH happy to have to work more to support you all if you choose not to return to work, or will you look at going ft and make DH step up and stay home with DCs?

But the most important question still remains; given that DH was like this before the pregnancy, why on earth did you think that your desperate need to heal gives you the right to insist that DH changes in line with how you require? Surely any reasonable discussion around having more children (which you insist that you had), would have included how you would both have to change and adapt to fit in work, leisure and another child? Did you just assume that you could force the change once he had no option but to acquiesce?

This thread is unbelievable.

Is he actually sleeping or just staying in bed?

Sleeping. Trying to wake him is like trying to wake a drunk person.

I didn’t mention his meds because at this time he isn’t taking any.

His shifts are really random. He can have day shifts, evenings or nights.

I work in admin. I want to give up completely but we will assess our finances after DTs are born.

I don’t mind doing the childcare, as I have said. The discussion was I would do the majority of the domestic sphere, and I am okay with it. I’m not okay with him being in bed all day.

Yes the fact that he has a psychiatrist on speed dial and medication struggles does alter the picture slightly and it might have been better to lead with all the facts before everyone piled in to agree with what a lazy useless shit your partner is. Although I guess that's what you wanted from the thread, whilst expecting endless accommodation for your own issues.

Not really. I don’t think he’s lazy or useless and said as much.

My issues don’t stop us doing normal family things.

Gosh. My psychiatrist would not prescribe a completely new medication without a face to face review / assessment.
I am pleased that my psychiatrist does this as it feels a bit more thorough than an out of the blue phone call...

DPs always get changed over the phone. They tell him to ring up and keep them updated, he just often doesn’t.

Could his late night gaming be a factor in this? I have skimmed the PPs, but can't find it mentioned. I know if I am mumsnetting til very late, my sleep gets disrupted, and I can feel 'not at my best' the next day.
Apologies if I missed this being discussed earlier.

He isn’t always gaming at night to be fair. Sometimes he’s reading or eating.

But I do think regular bedtimes would help. I like routine.

These are harsh responses! Glad it sounds like the meds are being sorted.
I would ask him what his solutions are going to be with coping with sleep deprivation when the twins will arrive as this will be pretty inevitable. There’s no way he’s going to get anywhere near decent sleep when they’re born.

Prescription still hasn’t been done, which is frustrating. I can’t get on with anything while I’m waiting for this as I am constantly waiting to leave the house and collect it.

Why are you with him? Please don't say love!!! How can he be so inconsiderate to you and your child? Time to move on

You say he’s a good dad when awake. So is he hands-on all weekend once he’s up until DC’s bedtime? Once your twins arrive, is he expecting you and your mum to do everything or will he step up his efforts? Perhaps he has medical issues (sleep apnea, thyroid or depression etc) but he needs to fix that before your twins are born. It’s simoly not fair to dump everything on you bc of his sleep issues.

You say he’s a good dad when awake. So is he hands-on all weekend once he’s up until DC’s bedtime?

Pretty much, he is very good in the afternoon!