To think DP is being a dick about this?

[BlairWaldorfsHeadband]

I’m 18 weeks pregnant with twins, and I’m high risk. I have complex mental health issues that include very severe anxiety.

DP insists he needs to sleep for 12 hours everyone day otherwise he feels exhausted and upset. It keeps causing arguments.

I have told DP that his sleep impacts on our lives because it stops us doing family days out, it means I have to manage DC1, who has SN, alone every morning and make the breakfasts and get ready and get organised while pregnant. It means I barely get any time with DP.

He keeps saying he will sort it and every time I bring it up I’m “nagging” which apparently makes him resistant to change and makes him less likely to sort it.

He then says I have a weird fixation on what’s “normal” and if I just accepted as a family we do things differently I would be happy.

But I am not happy. I don’t want the kind of childhood for my DCs where this happens. I come from a family where we used to get up early and go to visit castles, go for picnics, and have days out. Not waste our lives in bed. It makes me depressed and contributes to how isolated and anxious I feel.

Apparently when I mention this I am unsupportive and uncaring about his issues. He insists it’s a medical problem.

I have tried implementing household sleep schedules, letting him have a day without the dc to lie in, making him a strong coffee, but all that does is get me accused of being a control freak who wants to control his sleeping.

It’s not me is it? He’s making me doubt myself. He is being a massive dickhead isn’t it he?!

Quite good not old!

Youve had an unbeliavably tough time on here for someone who had made it clear they struggle with MH and anxiety. Your situation sounds tough and no in an ideal world children would be brought up by parents who are perfect in every way but we dont live in one of those.
It sounds like you have a very supportive Mum and are totally on top of how life needs to be. Your answers are calm logical and you havent been drawn into the slagging of your life choices to have children. Good on you I hope this new medication helps.

OP, I think you sound fine.

Loads and loads and loads and LOADS of people prefer to put a dilemma to MN than to talk to a friend about it IRL. Because you get a range of views and opinions from impartial observers, not one person who already has a view on your and your situation. So I don't think that's odd at all.

OP sounds ok on this thread, on another thread written several days ago she does not sound fine at all, and contradicts what she says here.

There she talked about being in a depressive spiral, with thoughts that her chidren would be better off without her, crying for two hours, ringing her mum and asking if she can move in with her, which sent her mum into a panic as she suffers from anxiety too.

There OP said that her anxiety is so bad that she cannot cope within phone conversations, so her DP has to do it all. Nor could she cope with going to an appointment alone at the DWP.

Taking the two threads in together I can only repeat that I strongly suggest OP contacts social services to what support is available in her area.

I genuinely don't mean to upset you OP, but in all integrity I think you need more help and support than you have currently in place.

I really do not need social services, thanks. There are kids out there who are being abused, single teenage mothers who have no one and kids who’s parents are on drugs.

They really do not need to be bothered by a woman who has panic attacks. And I do not need someone interfering in how I bring up my children. My dc is fed, loved, and taken to activities. He is by all accounts, a very happy child.

I love how you feel qualified to comment on my personal situation with my children when I didn’t ask or request it.

Yes, I don’t like interviews because they make me anxious and I don’t like phone calls to certain places because they make me anxious. So what? Lots of people are anxious in interviews. It’s hardly some great crime.

Calling my parenting into question, because I have social anxiety, is absolutely not on and some of you should be ashamed of your responses.

Thank you to everyone who has provided good advice. I appreciate it, as does DP. X

Loads and loads and loads and LOADS of people prefer to put a dilemma to MN than to talk to a friend about it IRL. Because you get a range of views and opinions from impartial observers, not one person who already has a view on your and your situation. So I don't think that's odd at all.

Thank you. I don’t think it’s that weird either. The advice I had about the hypothyroid was excellent and I wouldn’t have had that in person.

Agree with Shambu. Totally contradictory on different threads as to how she feels depending on whether feeling ok or feeling depressed suits her thread best.
OP's comment on how she is ok with certain conversations just further shows how she seems to be able to switch her "complex mental health issues" on and off depending on the situation what suits her.

I really do hope you get the help you need OP. People with existing mental health needs get referred to a mental health midwife so I assume you are indeed under the care of one.

Yeah, I switch it on and off. It’s not as if I made one thread while I was in the middle of a very stressful situation and another when I’m thinking more clearly, is it? Nope, not at all.

My mental health team aren’t remotely concerned about me. They think I’m perfectly fine. I’m sure the experts would love to hear the opinions of random internet posters though, who obviously know so much!

Fucking hell, social services aren’t a hand holding organisation to give you cuddles and make cups of tea when it’s all too much

Yes, they do offer support, but that support is only offered when removal of the children is a distinct possibility and while OPs life does sound chaotic, it’s not really at SS level. SS are intrusive and sometimes quite distressing to be involved with and once they have involvement with your family, there is no undoing that so that even routine visits to A and E are difficult.

Support is well and good but I would suggest OP tries to get this from other sources.

Idont thank you. My children are in no way at risk due to mine or my partner’s conditions and we ensure our DC are cared for.

The absolute cheek of some posters to make judgements about my personal life and my children is shameful. Absolutely shameful.

Thyroid if 4 point something is close to or is borderline / subclinical .

I'd get another test, best in the morning if you can persuade him as tsh is slightly higher. Might result in meds which will really help him reduce to 7-8 hrs. Important if you've twins on the way! May also help his adhd as you become more focussed if thyroid is well.

It’s not true that SS are only involved if there’s a possibility of removal of children. Family members or older children may request family support services at times of stress, wrt a particular family problem.

An assessment team can signpost appropriate community support and services. Equally social care services can help parents and relatives who are disabled (or caring for disabled children).

Serious mental illness is a form of disability. If OP’s mental illness was severe enough to merit ESA and PIP then it may be serious enough to qualify for support.

Fwiw, I had never questioned your parenting abilities, I've no doubt they're excellent. But parenting with mental health issues such as GAD, panic disorders and OCD is challenging particularly when your DP is not around FT. There's no shame in asking for support.

I don’t need or want the support though. I understand you are trying to be helpful but support isn’t something I require. I can manage. Things being hard for me doesn’t really bother me, I can deal with it - I’ve dealt with difficult issues my entire life and I’ve got through it so I don’t see why I would suddenly need support now. I’m perfectly able to do things myself.

Has he always been like this ?
Why did you want to have children with him ?

The absolute cheek of some posters to make judgements about my personal life and my children is shameful. Absolutely shameful

That's part of posting on here, that's why I wondered if you had rl support to rely on, this is no place if you want kind non judgemental comments.

And requesting support from SS is daft. HVs, children’s centres and other services are for accessing support when things are tough, SS are for serious problems. That’s partly because they are seriously overstretched and can’t realistically be anything else. I have seen people do what the OP is being urged to, which is contacting them voluntarily without there being a serious problem in existence and then retrospectively regret it, because one you’re in the system there is no getting out of it. SS really aren’t a nice, fluffy, cuddly service, they are there to check out unsuitable parents for when children are in danger.

Well I think OP is giving mixed messages.

On here she says she has ‘very severe anxiety’, having to cope alone because her DP is asleep half the day. She says his behaviour makes her feel ‘isolated’ and ‘anxious’. She’s currently expecting twins, which will be very difficult to cope with almost alone quite apart from a SN child as well. I don’t think it’s at all realistic to think that her DP will suddenly step up with or without attention to his thyroid.

It’s difficult to gauge. OP underlines the severity of her mental health difficulties and posts here for support. But when posters take that for real and suggest she may benefit from practical support in real she takes offence and downplays her problems.

It’s inevitable that you get responses you don’t like on a public forum, and no-one here knows what is really going on behind the scenes.

I don’t want support.

I waned advice on dealing with his sleeping. Which I’ve had.

My own mental health issues aren’t the problem.

Righty-o then.

Good luck OP, you’re going to need it.

Thank you but I will be fine. I have got through difficult situations before. Something being difficult or stressful doesn’t upset me in itself.

I understand some people are trying to help but acting like I’m made of glass and need support to cope with normal life is patronising.

You’re essentially blaming posters for taking you seriously. I won’t make that mistake again.

We might be throwing the support in the wrong direction. The man in question needs some sympathy, I think.

What we have here is OP working part-time in admin (hardly a knock your lights out kinda job I guess, comparing to many) and prides herself on being efficient and up and running early. The dude busts his balls in FT random, unpredictable shift work and is being called names for sleeping 12 hours. Jeez, his sleep pattern is disrupted, prob. body shot to pieces - and he's being taken to the psych ... for what, some medication to make him more active?..
The only MH issues here are of the OP: how to stop obsessing about his sleep, deal with her anxiety etc. Maybe she needs to try shift work while she has time before the birth.

I do feel for this bloke.

But BloodyDisgrace OP's partner's mental health is so bad his psychiatrist takes his calls and prescribes new medication immediately. His condition must be very serious to warrant such medical attentiveness.

He needs to grow up/address his issues or you need to leave.