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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum gets annoyed when dad helps me financially

231 replies

Ohsaycanusee · 16/08/2018 21:55

Aibu? I have a good job but occasionally he gives me a bit of money from their joint account to help with things. I’m mid 20s. They are very well off through sheer hard work and saving. They have always treated us and she’s not stingy per se but not careful than him :s

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 17/08/2018 17:20

I'm not surprised that the OP isn't coming back to this thread, she was very upset by the vitriol from some posters. It was something I found hard to cope with when I first came onto AIBU. I think it's easy to forget that when you've been on here for a while and are used to it.

DaphneDiligaf · 17/08/2018 17:31

I still want to know if she's an only child and I have a feeling she isn't and that's Mums issue!

Worieddd · 17/08/2018 17:53

Some fucked up responses here OP.

YANBU.

It’s your dads money and he should be able to do what he wants with it!

Confusedbeetle · 17/08/2018 17:57

You and your parents should have an open an honest conversation and they need to be in agreement. This will cause trouble otherwise. Its quite like ly what is annoying your mother is his just doing it. It is quite a lot of money, not the odd fiver

pandarific · 17/08/2018 17:59

Yeah, your mum's being a bit mean imo.

Bluelady · 17/08/2018 18:11

It's Mum's money, she can be as mean as she likes. Adults on good salaries don't have a right to their parents' money.

Inthetropics · 17/08/2018 18:22

YANBU. They both are. Your father is unreasonable for not discussing it with your mother and your mother is unreasonable for complaining about it with you instead of apeaking to her husband. In your shoes i'd be feeling very uncomfortable in this situation and would politely decline the money gifts. I'd be telling my mum to speak to my dad and my dad to speak to my mum. I'd be really upset with the fact that they are not able to solve this kind of thing between themselves and not involve you in this.

whenwillsummerend · 17/08/2018 18:24

Another bizarre mumsnet thread...
DH is a very high earner- his mum still gives him cash sometimes for 'treats'😀. He also buys her things- mainly wine...my parents also give me money as well sometimes- I am 45. Equally I treat them sometimes.
A friend of mine's mum bungs her money every time she goes home. She doesn't expect it but her parents get offended if she tries to give it back. They are all fairly well off and are keen for us to get it 'rather than the taxman'.
If the OPs Dad wants to give her money why can't he? I bet her mother spends money on things without an in depth discussion with her husband about it every time.

BarnabyBungle · 17/08/2018 18:41

It's Mum's money, she can be as mean as she likes.

No one is saying she can’t be.... it doesn’t stop her being mean though.

Bluelady · 17/08/2018 18:44

Selection quoting - you missed the bit about adults on good salaries not being entitled to their parents' money. Want to pick the bones out of that?

littlechocolatechippies · 17/08/2018 18:56

I think it's perfectly normal and in real life lots of parents help their grown up children.

You won't get much sympathy on here as for some people children become friendly acquintances once they turn 18.

Laureline · 17/08/2018 19:05

You’re right NoSquirrels, I read too quickly.
I guess I simply think her parents should sort it out among themselves, if this is a point of contention, and her father certainly shouldn’t complain about his wife to their daughter!

apriljune12 · 17/08/2018 19:41

At the end of the day some families are plain wierd.

It seems to me op you are a weapon between your parents. That’s very sad.

Goth237 · 17/08/2018 21:04

You say you don't need it. I believe you. And that it's just a gift that you don't ask for. Surely that's the problem. Your mum is wondering why your dad is giving you these (fairly sizeable) gifts when you don't need, want or ask for them. Especially as he's doing it on a regular basis. It's a bit weird and he's not mentioning it to her first. I'd be annoyed at that. I think your mum is within her rights to be angry.

butterflysugarbaby · 17/08/2018 22:15

I don't think it's as much about a parent helping their child, because that is normal, and good, and many parents do it, especially when their kids are at uni, or not earning too much (early in their career.) It's the fact that it's a bit weird when she is on £40,000 a year (as she claims,) and she is taking big handouts from her father, when she doesn't even appear to need it.

WTF is she doing taking money from her dad when she is bringing in such a wage? Confused

I actually feel embarrassed for the OP, to be honest. She is not coming across well at all.

Also, I don't know a single person in their mid 20's or above, who is on more than £25,000-30,000 per year, who takes handouts from their parents for 'treats' ... In fact, some people I know (including myself,) who are on good money past the age of 25-30 ish, actually treat their parents to things for looking after them for the first 21 or so years of their life, and supporting them through uni and helping them with their first home etc... In fact, I took great pleasure in treating my parents to a holiday in Italy for their 30th wedding anniversary (when I was 27.)

I love to take them out for dinner every month or so too, and buy them nice gifts for Christmas and birthdays. I earn quit a bit more than them now, and although they are not living in poverty, they are not loaded either. Dad used to earn decent money, but due to ill health, he had to give up his job. Then after almost a year off work, he then started a minimum pay job. And mum doesn't earn much either.

The thought of taking 100s of pounds off my dad to spend on 'treats' and frivolities, with a salary of £40,000 a year (as @ohsaycanusee claims SHE earns,) just makes me cringe to be honest. As I said, to help your kids when they need it is good, but to just chuck money at adult children when they earn more than their parents is just weird. And I have to say I don't know anybody in real life who does it actually!

And no-one is jealous FGS, what a weird comment! Hmm

RedDwarves · 17/08/2018 22:40

YABU for being on 40k, being financially comfortable, and still expecting to receive handouts from your dad. If you truly "didn't need/want them", you would transfer it back to him.

Rebecca36 · 17/08/2018 22:45

Did the op said she expected handouts from her dad?
There's a difference between expecting it and having it given freely.
£40,000 pa is not much in London, goes nowhere.

My parents always helped me financially, I help my offspring. It's normal and natural to do so whether they 'need' it or not. Unless people are very poor of course.

Rebecca36 · 17/08/2018 22:56

As for those who say children should be grateful (if not in those words) to parents for supporting them for 21 years or so, that's what parents are supposed to do. I've never wanted gratitude, it's my duty as a parent to support my children.

There's great jealousy on here over this young woman being given money by her father. What parent doesn't do that if they can afford to? They can't take it with them when they die.

The only difficulty I see is her dad doing it out of the joint account without discussing it first with her mother - but it's his money.

Ethylred · 17/08/2018 23:03

Loving begdrudge.

Sorry, on topic: what was the topic again?

BarnabyBungle · 17/08/2018 23:22

WTF is she doing taking money from her dad when she is bringing in such a wage?

WTF are your parents doing accepting gifts from their 20-something offspring, when they’ve got (presumably) a mortgage to pay and possible future family to plan for, if no children already?

There’s nothing wrong in gifts being accepted by either... Many parents will have no mortgage, plenty of savings and a good final salary pension, and will be in a far better financial position than their child, even if they’re earning £40k (which is admittedly more than many but hardly a fortune), so why shouldn’t they... My parents paid for a holiday Cottage for us to stay in with them, as a gift.... My mum’s parents did the same for them when I was a child. Should I refuse their generosity and force them to give with cold rather than warm hands?

FloydWasACat · 18/08/2018 01:21

This is a deeply horrid thread, not your post OP. Sweeping statements, accusations, holier-than-thou-isms. Awful. The OP asked for opinions, not bitter projections. Some people are lucky enough to come from more priveledged backgrounds than others, so what?

And no, before anyone asks, I have no money, nor do I expect my family to leave me any either. But there are some really nasty posts on here.

RatHammock · 18/08/2018 02:01

I find the general attitude on here extraordinary. Literally everyone I know had help from their parents to buy a house. We’re all graduates with decent jobs; teachers, engineers, lawyers, etc. but living in London it’s the only way to buy a house these days unless you’re on megabucks.

Obviously if parents were struggling then things would be different but if they’re relatively wealthy why wouldn’t they help out their DC? I’ll certainly do the same when my child grows up.

Lizzie48 · 18/08/2018 02:32

It sounds as if the OP has worked really hard to get to where she is and the courses she's doing will lead to further career development hence a higher salary. She's not someone who is going to waste the money, so I fail to see the issue in her dad helping her on her way.

Her parents are being very unfair, though, in involving her in their arguments about this. She doesn't need to know that they are at loggerheads, it must make her feel very awkward. I remember how it made me feel.

HotTeaCup · 18/08/2018 02:38

Reverse? And no, before you suggest it, I'm not asking about your driving skills. Grin awaiting deletion message from HQ

HotTeaCup · 18/08/2018 02:41

I find the general attitude on here extraordinary.
You should google Margaret Cash in Dublin, if you want a view on how people really view spongers. MN is very tame in comparison.

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