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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to post Dsis her kids back and ruin her holiday?

433 replies

Santasjinglebelle · 15/08/2018 22:21

WTAF to do?
Agreed to have niece (8) and nephew (7) over to stay for a while so Dsis and hubby can attend destination wedding/ first holiday without kids in tow.
Last time they were here I put them both in pyjamas pants as I know that they're prone to accidents and I just don't have the time or energy (or inclination to be frank) to keep up with the additional laundry.
Dniece pipped up earlier to tell me me that neither of them will be wearing pyjama pants this time round as their mummy told them not to.
Thinking they must have misheard, I call Dsis to get her to speak with them. Dsis proceeds to berate me for wanting to "humiliate" her children. Apparently pyjamas pants encourage bedwetting by infantilise slow developers - better to let them feel uncomfortable in their own piss and learn the hard way.
Before I could get out any kind of response she fobbed me off with some shite about a dodgy line and hung up!!
WTF am I supposed to do? They went to bed at 8pm and used the toilet first but I've just changed nephew's sheets! Another 8 nights of this makes me want to weep.
No other relatives near enough to pawn off on, niece is adamant, nephew does what his sister says and Dsis not answering phone anymore.
Hubby's response (he was joking) "try Easy jet." But now I'm seriously considering this, WIBU?

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 15/08/2018 23:29

The wettingnisnt the kids fault. Clearly as you have had them before and used the pull ups this is not a surprise. HOWEVER for your sister to insist that they can't use them - without discussing is ridiculous.

My 9yr old still has problems overnight. At home we use bed mats, light quilts in layers etc BUT she knows when away from home- at grandma's on camp wherever that wet bedding is not workable so she wears the pm pants. She hates them but she gets it and understands that she does not get to go if she refuses.

Yes I'd definately get hold of her tomorrow- thought the hotel if necessary and say either she tells them they are wearing pj pants or she comes home. Ridiculous position to put you in.

ChocAuVin · 15/08/2018 23:29

Pyjama pants in your house. One week is a blink of an eye bedwetting time but a heck of a long time when washing multiple pissy sheets every damn night!

Thesearepearls · 15/08/2018 23:31

Well since I did produce a study that showed that even in our western societies kids should be dry by 7 I do feel that I am vindicated

In fact this is a thing entirely produced by western societies. In China kids are dryer much quicker. I do believe that some whistling is involved (not a joke - google this)

Absent any medical issues or severe psychological issues all kids should be dry at night by the OP's guests' age

It's a fact, like it or not.

fanomoninon · 15/08/2018 23:33

thesearethepearls - I somewhat suspect you may not be an expert in this area. There are a number of physical reasons (inc hormone production; bladder capacity) why a substantial number of children won't be dry at night: you can read more here www.eric.org.uk/why-do-children-wet-the-bed

OP: I think you need to talk to your sister here. You're sorry, but you aren't prepared to manage wet sheets every night. What does she suggest? I don't agree with her approach personally - as per the ERIC advice, leaving children in wet sheets per se is not likely to have a positive impact, but there are some experts who feel PJ pants aren't helpful if you are in a training stage (as opposed to a 'wait and see' stage). One of my children was a late bedwetter, and he always used PJ pants whenever he was staying overnight - to manage his embarrassment as well as minimise any issues for the host.

If she does insist on no PJ pants and you are prepared to up your laundry bill, laying the bed as others have described (bed mat with sheet on top, then repeat) does make things much quicker and easier and means you won't be putting fresh sheets on at 2am. Night lifting (ie getting them to wee when you go to bed) can also be helpful in the short term, although not recommended as a long term strategy if I remember right.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 15/08/2018 23:34

You need to tell your niece that pull up pants will be worn at night. It’s your house not their Mum’s and you are not prepared to discuss it with them or their mother. They can wet the beds at home as much as they want but you want to keep your bedding and mattresses dry. If your sister doesn’t like it she can find another mug to look after her kids and do a ton of washing every day. Don’t let a 7 and 8 year old order you about!

ManyCrisps · 15/08/2018 23:34

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Yvest · 15/08/2018 23:34

There's a serious concern about bedwetting at these ages

No there really isn’t. 2 of mine were dry before 3. One was 11, yes 11. We tried everything, alarms, tablets, taking to the toilet when we went to Bex. everything. Our paediatrician told us that in some children the hormone which controls night wetting simply doesn’t kick in until puberty. Low and behold, first signs of puberty at 11 and never a wet bed since.

No neglect, no poor parenting, no SEN, just something which couldn’t be controlled until the time was right

Yokatsu · 15/08/2018 23:36

Pajama pants are horrible past a certain age.

Bed mats (big fan of dry nights because they have sticky tabs)

Don't put the mat under the sheet, that just help spread the wee. Put the sheet over the bed sheet and bare bottom half so the first thing the wee hits is the sheet. Unless you have a real wiggler that will do the job.

Naked bottom halves also make sleepy loo runs easier

The disposable ones with tuck in-able wings are actually overall, but in this situation I'd probably stick with the disposable ones

If your really worried about the duvet stick a towel over the child. But otherwise I'd just stick the whole duvet in the washing machine if necessary.

myrtleWilson · 15/08/2018 23:37

oh I love a thesearepearls intervention on a thread - am particularly impressed by the idea that the OP - the children's aunt can whip them off to the Dr's for assessment Hmm

But back to the OP - I'd be annoyed if, as appears in your situation, your Dsis hasn't given you a proper handover regarding the children and their habits/toileting abilities. In the short term I'd echo a waterproof sheet and also doing layering of sheets and pads so that in the event of an accident you strip one layer and the next is good to go - saving you having to do a bed change in the middle of the night Flowers

fanomoninon · 15/08/2018 23:37

Oh, and as a counterpoint to your 'random google', thesearepearls, ERIC suggests 1 in 10 are wet at night. www.eric.org.uk/bedwetting-faqs

PinkyprettyDaisyFlowers · 15/08/2018 23:38

Its probably best to ignore Thesearepearls Troll

KeepServingTheDrinks · 15/08/2018 23:39

Where's the OP?

People, do please think about what you're posting about your children on a public site that anyone can see.

Fatted · 15/08/2018 23:40

Are they usually dry at night at home?

If they're dry at night at home then I'd go along with what SIL says. If they still have regular accidents, then stick then in the pull ups. And get a plastic sheet mattress protector for the bed.

Every child is different. My eldest wasn't dry in the night until well past 4. Youngest was dry in the night as soon as we potty trained him at almost 3. Both still have the odd accident.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 15/08/2018 23:41

@Thesearepearls

Well, I suppose I'd better tell our Harvard-educated pediatrician that our happy, sociable DS who scores in the 99th percentile on standardised tests suffered medical and/or severe psychological issues for 9 years...and she didn't notice. Hmm

Runworkeatsleeprepeat · 15/08/2018 23:41

Thesearepearls
Are you being deliberately offensive. 2 out of 3 of my children were late to develop dryness at night it is very unkind to say they have serious issues. They were both treated discreetly with an alarm and got dry within a matter of weeks with this method. They come from a happy healthy home and are both highly intelligent children. I cannot believe how ignorant you are being and OP it's not the childrens fault, yes your sister should have discussed it with you but please do not humiliate them any further than necessary. My children had medication for sleepovers etc to take so that they weren't openly humiliated with pajama pants.

solittletime · 15/08/2018 23:41

Sorry theseare but after bringing up children in Africa ( yes I realise Africa is a big place with many different cultures and societies) and experiencing the received wisdom of African mothers i saw that even in their "non western" society bedwetting wasn't seen as that unusual in older children.
It may be purely anecdotal and not researched based but i realised it was something that mothers there get on with and don't have time to discuss while wringing their hands on an internet forum or in a tuesday morning playgroup like we have the luxury to do.
Studies of "non western" societies don't always seem to me to match the reality of what goes on in the average every day life.

SoupDragon · 15/08/2018 23:46

In fact this is a thing entirely produced by western societies

Night dryness can not be taught.

If this was about day dryness you would have a point. But it’s not.

Suewiang · 15/08/2018 23:47

Wow I’ve never come sccross any so old still wetting

JassyRadlett · 15/08/2018 23:47

Are you being deliberately offensive.

S/he usually is. There is a recurring style to the posts...

Jeanclaudejackety · 15/08/2018 23:47

Absolutely no drinks after 5pm then. When they moan say its because they aren't allowed to wear the pants and you're trying to help them achieve dryness

Also prompt to wee every half an hour if you can remember. My friends ds who's 9 who we look after a lot refuses to go to the loo saying he doesn't need it, then pees himself when we are in a forest or a queue for something because he's literally held on from the night before to lunch the next day. I have started telling him he has to go to the loo when he's here, every 30 mins and I actually watch him walk in.

ThereRNoMirrorsInTheSerengeti · 15/08/2018 23:48

Not commenting on the age/ bed wetting drama as don’t feel it’s productive.

OP I think you’ve been put in a dreadful position but as other posters have said, it’s your house and your rules.
Don’t ask dsis, tell her what’s happening.
They’re putting pants on because they aren’t dry at night and you didn’t agree to night train them.

ChasedByBees · 15/08/2018 23:48

thesearepearls on the whole, random google search are not ‘proof’.

However, the page you’ve quoted doesn’t even support your position. It says that 3% of 7 year olds will be bedwetting which you’ve stated means not normal. This actually means around 1 in every 33 children, so not far off one per class in a school. Entirely normal.

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/08/2018 23:49

At those ages there's obviously a real problem. One that shoving them in pants and changing the sheets every 2 hours will not fix. Its humiliating for them and harder work for you and will achieve fuck all.

There's no way she does this at home. So either she's lying and uses pyjamas pants at home. Or she knows they piss the bed at other people's houses cos they are nervous and she doesn't care

Either way it helps no one to deny the fact that they wet the bed and deny use ifbthe solution. The only one humiliating the kids is her . Does she really think anyone would think anything of buying a pack of pyjama pants ?

Thesearepearls · 15/08/2018 23:49

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Tessliketrees · 15/08/2018 23:53

@Thesearepearls

I absolutely agree, the OP should be putting in a safeguarding children referral to get them adopted out (pref to somewhere in Sub-Saharan Africa)