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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend bringing up what I did on a park bench as a teenager

189 replies

Iswallowtoothpaste · 15/08/2018 22:00

My friend has been going through a bit of a shit time recently. Her best friend who also lived with her moved away and another male friend whom she thought she was getting close to has turned round and said he has no romantic feelings towards her whatsoever after leading her on for months.

She’s helped us out with the kids a couple of times in the past, nothing major, the odd night babysitting etc. She’s always been a good listener however there have been a couple of instances over the last couple of years where it’s apparent that she likes to shout her mouth off at times.

The latest instance, which I’m fairly pissed off about happened last weekend.

Myself, OH, DSD (8) and DD (5) decides that we’d go to Pizza Hut as a treat and we invited my friend along too.

During the meal, DSD said that she needed to go to the toilet so I took her and when I came back my friend had a face like a slapped arse. I thought OH had perhaps said something to piss her off or that she’d taken the wrong way but he seemed oblivious to anything.

My friend then starts reminiscing about when we were teenagers, nights out, drunken antics etc. Fine, we were younger once, I’ve got nothing to hide. Until she decides to drop the ‘just what were you and ‘X’ doing on that bench in the park.’

Yeah, apart from that. OH knows about all 3 of the people I’ve had sex with (including him) but kissing, canoodling and the odd grope on a park bench, I never bothered mentioning because it never seemed important. I was quite shocked, she must’ve been able to see that I was willing her to STFU by this point. Not just because of OH but also because of the fact that DC’s were listening and present.

The rest of the meal was pretty awkward, we sat there in silence, paid and went home. OH never said a word to me in the car on the way home then once I’d put the kids to bed started to question me on what exactly had happened on a park bench 9 years ago when I was 18. So I told him, nothing too explicit, quick snog and a feel. That was it. No bumping of uglies, fully clothed, nicely intoxicated.

He then went on to say that when myself and DSD went to the toilet, he’d said to my friend that he needed to go ring shopping with her (so that he could pick an engagement ring for me - he wouldn’t know where to start, hence asking my friend)

So anyway, surprise ruined. Thanks. I just think that the timing was a bit uncanny - she decides to bring up the park bench after OH mentions going ring shopping and asking for her help.

Pretty fucked off with her to be honest, feel as though it was an attempt to put a wedge between myself and OH.

AIBU to keep her at arms length?

OP posts:
SundayGirls · 16/08/2018 09:23

I don't think your OH was wrong to question what your friend was referring to, I think I would be curious too as it's been made out to be more than it is by her slyness of delivery and your understandable (in front of the kids) response of keeping a lid on it. (but in his shoes I'd think the friend was being a dick for bringing up something so irrelevant and quite clearly it's troublemaking). As long as he doesn't start sulking over it or refers to it again. I would knock that on the head immediately and firmly if he does.

As for your friend, it's one thing her being disappointed with her own life at the moment, it's another that she's troublemaking in yours. I would avoid her for a long time a while.

BrokenWing · 16/08/2018 09:24

I wouldn't be able to stop myself calling her straight away and asking wtf was that all about.

SharedLife · 16/08/2018 09:28

This is one of those threads where I can't believe we've all been reading the same OP.

The OH was obviously reacting to a very awkward situation- in front of his children. Sometimes if you're not sure what to say, not saying anything is the safe option. Especially as a full discussion of the "friend's" behaviour would have given away the proposal, which he didn't want to do.

apriljune12 · 16/08/2018 09:31

No don’t call her she wants this!! She’s trying to insinuate herself into your marriage!! Wtaf with her and your dh ring shopping for you. No just no.

Drop her like a brick

IceCreamFace · 16/08/2018 09:39

I think both her and DP were BU. Why would he care what you did on a park bench when you were teenagers and why did he ruin the engagement ring surprise? She was also VU to bring that story up in front of kids and seemingly deliberately to cause trouble.

BuntyII · 16/08/2018 09:44

Is there a person alive who wouldn't ask what that comment was about? Confused to the posters who have slated him for asking, if someone said to your DH in front of you, what WERE you doing on that park bench, you wouldn't say what was that all about later that evening? REALLY??

BuntyII · 16/08/2018 09:45

Also you need to ditch your friend before she starts trying to pull your husband and lying about him to put doubts in your head.

jelly449 · 16/08/2018 09:45

You have mentioned that the friend has been having a hard time. She's single and has had no luck when it comes to relationships - happens to us all at some point.

You on the other hand are settled, oh and dcs etc. She finds out your oh is going to propose. Jealousy kicks in on her part and tries to spoil it somehow.

I feel so sorry for your oh. His behaviour is totally understandable. As is yours.

She just needs to grow the f**k up. At some point in your life you are the 'single one' and everyone else around you is in happy relationships. No need to try ruin someone else's happiness.

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 09:47

I don't acrually get the issue. Who cares if you snogged someone on a park bench when you were 18? I don't even see how this should bother the kids.

I can't imagine bringing it up, but I also don't get the issue in doing so or why you were willing her to shut up.

Hasn't everyone snogged someone on a park bench or similar?

And even if you shagged every member of the all blacks on said bench it's sod all to do with your partner.

FuckPants · 16/08/2018 09:50

Why are some posters so desperate to blame OP's DP?

The friend was an absolute dick, the DP hasn't done anything wrong.

CoraPirbright · 16/08/2018 09:50

I would drop this friend. It’s sad that she is obviously so unhappy but plenty of people handle that and can be glad for their friends - they dont lash out and try and damage other people’s (esp friend’s) lives like this.

theunsure · 16/08/2018 09:57

She sounds awful. I’d leave her out of everything-let her be the last to know when engagement confirmed and then blatantly flaunt ring. Then bin her off for good. What a nasty cow!

ShumpaLumpa · 16/08/2018 10:05

We’ve got her weighed up but what other shit is she going to come out with. Especially in front of the kids.

You simply don't give her a chance to do it again. I wouldn't let her see the kids again or babysit. I would stop being friends with her. What she did was malicious. I could not be friends with anyone malicious.

lazyhazysummer · 16/08/2018 10:06

Why are some posters so desperate to blame OP's DP?
Exactly, who in the name of fuck wouldn't be curious to know. It could have been literally anything. If someone said about MY dh, "what WERE you doing on that park bench" as if i wouldn't want to know what was being implied. Who in their right mind thinks "ooh it's none of my business because it's before i knew him" Confused ....Only in mumsnet world.

jelly449 · 16/08/2018 10:14

@lazyhazysummer I'd want to know. Course I would and dh would want to know if it was me. It wouldn't cause an argument or anything but for something like that just to be brought up out of the blue in front of the dcs....I wouldn't leave it. I'd go all quiet as I'd be digesting it in my mind.

I know some of dh's past regarding other women. He knows the majority of mine as there's not much to tell tbh.

But in all honesty....if I were the op's oh I'd probably be thinking something along the lines of 'Is this something I need to know about?' Or even 'is there something going on that I don't know about?' as it's such a random thing to bring up.

Me and my best mate talk about the old days all the time, but not in front of our dh's. That's just weird and shit stirring imo

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2018 11:02

This friend sounds like trouble, and if you know what is good for your relationship, stay away from her. It is bizarre how he asked her to go ring shopping with him,

NoParticularPattern · 16/08/2018 11:04

Bluntness so if someone started discussing your sex life/ love life/ relationships prior to your DH/DP infront of your 8 and 5 year old children you wouldn’t be “willing them to shut up”?! I can see why DP asked the questions because of the manner in which it was brought up (ie out of nowhere). I can also understand why it’s not an appropriate conversation to be having a) over dinner and b) in front of small children. Come on. No one wants to actively think about their mum and dad having sex with each other let alone imagine them with someone else. Yes, we all know it happens, but that doesn’t make it an appropriate conversation (especially for children over the dinner table) or even a comfortable one.

MyBloodyMaltesersAreMelting · 16/08/2018 11:09

you have done nothing wrong
your partner has done nothing wrong
you don't need friends like her , she needs telling

CalonGlas · 16/08/2018 11:13

Really crap behaviour from her, no doubt.

but also rather insensitive of your DH to ask a friend who's 'going through a bit of a shit time', to look at and help him choose a beautiful engagement ring - when she's just been through the humiliation of having someone she fancied tell her flat that he's got 'no romantic feelings towards her whatsoever'. No excuse at all for what she said, but his timing wasn't very kind.

LindseyKola · 16/08/2018 12:17

I think I’d message her saying:

Dear friend,

I’m so sorry you’re struggling with being single, I thought you were okay but what happened the other night showed me you really are finding it hard to be on your own, to such an extent you’re willing to let your jealousy over our upcoming engagement cause you to make odd and irrelevant comments in front of me, DP and the kids. It’s one thing to reminisce over old times, quite another to talk about the sexual and romantic history of their mother in front of two small children, who I trusted you with before this.

Clearly being friends right now isn’t doing you any favours, and it feels like my happiness with DP is rubbing it in your face and leading you to act in really strange ways. I think it’s best for us all to take some space from one another and cool things off for a while.

I do wish you the best, and I hope you’re able to be happy for me as I will be for you when you meet the right person.

Love,

Op

livefornaps · 16/08/2018 12:43

Lol at the rambling letter above.

As if!!!

Do not engage with this tomfoolery.

Just block.

Kittykat93 · 16/08/2018 12:54

Why does your dp care if you had sexual contact with someone way before you met him?? That's ridiculous. My partner doesn't know every detail of my past and he doesn't need to. Your friend is a complete bitch too. Tell them both to get a grip

Eliza9917 · 16/08/2018 12:58

AIBU to keep her at arms length?

I'd fuck her off completely. She isn't your friend.

BrynhildurWhitemane · 16/08/2018 13:53

Why does your dp care if you had sexual contact with someone way before you met him??

If you read OP's posts, it doesn't look like he does, justs wants context for the "friend's" comments at the table that led to the awkward atmosphere.

Original poster
Iswallowtoothpaste · 16/08/2018 14:58

Right, let me reiterate for the last time, OH could not give a flying fuck who I had a grope and a snog with on a park bench years ago. He laughed it off and was just curious, I’d be curious if something like that was bought up by one of his friends too. It’s called human nature. He has in no way, shape or form given me a hard time over this, I’m sorry if I’ve given an impression otherwise.

So, this morning, I've woken up to a voice message from said friend on Facebook messenger (I didn’t actually realise that you could send voice messages) I listened to it and it goes something like ‘I’m out in Brid, I’m slightly pissed but you’ll never guess who I’ve seen, X (said person I had said grope with on park bench) he’s a bouncer outside such and such club and I’ve been telling all of his work mates about our night out and the park bench.’

Fucking seriously?? There was someone else chirping on in the background and I have no clue who she was, must’ve found a friend of similar morals and sense of decency. Poor lad is engaged now, I doubt he needed it all bringing up infront of his work mates. Or at all!

OP posts: