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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend bringing up what I did on a park bench as a teenager

189 replies

Iswallowtoothpaste · 15/08/2018 22:00

My friend has been going through a bit of a shit time recently. Her best friend who also lived with her moved away and another male friend whom she thought she was getting close to has turned round and said he has no romantic feelings towards her whatsoever after leading her on for months.

She’s helped us out with the kids a couple of times in the past, nothing major, the odd night babysitting etc. She’s always been a good listener however there have been a couple of instances over the last couple of years where it’s apparent that she likes to shout her mouth off at times.

The latest instance, which I’m fairly pissed off about happened last weekend.

Myself, OH, DSD (8) and DD (5) decides that we’d go to Pizza Hut as a treat and we invited my friend along too.

During the meal, DSD said that she needed to go to the toilet so I took her and when I came back my friend had a face like a slapped arse. I thought OH had perhaps said something to piss her off or that she’d taken the wrong way but he seemed oblivious to anything.

My friend then starts reminiscing about when we were teenagers, nights out, drunken antics etc. Fine, we were younger once, I’ve got nothing to hide. Until she decides to drop the ‘just what were you and ‘X’ doing on that bench in the park.’

Yeah, apart from that. OH knows about all 3 of the people I’ve had sex with (including him) but kissing, canoodling and the odd grope on a park bench, I never bothered mentioning because it never seemed important. I was quite shocked, she must’ve been able to see that I was willing her to STFU by this point. Not just because of OH but also because of the fact that DC’s were listening and present.

The rest of the meal was pretty awkward, we sat there in silence, paid and went home. OH never said a word to me in the car on the way home then once I’d put the kids to bed started to question me on what exactly had happened on a park bench 9 years ago when I was 18. So I told him, nothing too explicit, quick snog and a feel. That was it. No bumping of uglies, fully clothed, nicely intoxicated.

He then went on to say that when myself and DSD went to the toilet, he’d said to my friend that he needed to go ring shopping with her (so that he could pick an engagement ring for me - he wouldn’t know where to start, hence asking my friend)

So anyway, surprise ruined. Thanks. I just think that the timing was a bit uncanny - she decides to bring up the park bench after OH mentions going ring shopping and asking for her help.

Pretty fucked off with her to be honest, feel as though it was an attempt to put a wedge between myself and OH.

AIBU to keep her at arms length?

OP posts:
Cupoteap · 16/08/2018 05:57

You need to cull her, why on earth would she try and spoil it for you.

flumpybear · 16/08/2018 06:07

She's probably jealous - trying to bring up something to make you squirm

Tell your OH now you know perhaps you and he should shop for a ring together instead!

Santaclarita · 16/08/2018 06:36

Don't see why people think your partner is the problem here. He didn't over react, was just curious.

Problem is your 'friend'. Maybe this is why no one wants her, she's a bitch. She'll figure that out eventually hopefully.

TaintforTheLikesOfWe · 16/08/2018 07:09

I agree with cupo cull. Definitely. Gradual drift if you feel like it but give her the heave ho.

serbska · 16/08/2018 07:15

She was a dick, but why the hell does your DP have any right to be pissed off about anything you did before you met him?

Or should you have saved yourself nice and pure just for him?

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 16/08/2018 07:20

She’s not much of a friend. I wouldn’t bother with her in future.

Honeyroar · 16/08/2018 07:21

I can't see why so many people think her OH is wrong to ask her friend to help him pick a ring. He was clearly worried he'd pick something she wouldn't like and wanted another opinion, that's all. It doesn't sound strange to me. But telling OP and ruining the surprise does, and grilling her about her past does. It all seems a strange relationship.

Nikephorus · 16/08/2018 07:24

TBH some posters here sound like the friend! Trying desperately to make this an issue between OP and DP.
This totally. It's perfectly obvious if you read OP's posts that DP is just fine and it's all about 'friend'.
Put some distance between you and her so that by the time you send the wedding invites out there won't be any expectation of one on her part!

Whyohsky · 16/08/2018 07:25

Your life pre DP sounds pretty tame to me! Certainly nothing to be embarrassed about!

mummmy2017 · 16/08/2018 07:26

Just tell him how excited you are, and how can you please go together to buy the ring as it will means so much more.
Forget the other thing. It's been sorted, or just take him to a park bench and have a snog...

LagunaBubbles · 16/08/2018 07:30

She was a dick, but why the hell does your DP have any right to be pissed off about anything you did before you met him?

Asking what happened (as I would have done if I was him) is not the same as being pissed off. Why are some people seemingly so desperate to blame him to for something that's just not there?

Loopytiles · 16/08/2018 07:32

There was no need for OP’s DP to quiz her about her sexual past, nor tell her he was planning to propose - he spoiled that surprise, not the friend.

ImAIdoot · 16/08/2018 07:38

Having had experience with this type of person, for me they would go back to being nice, then eventually there would be another incident of trying to drive wedges between people, then normal again for a while...

In a kind of cycle, escalating in severity over time. The incident she's talking about may be insignificant, but the sentiment of trying to shitstir in your relationship is intolerable, and she has practically drawn you a picture to illustrate the fact she does not mind involving your children in her shitstirring or being inappropriate in front of them. Don't let her near them or your family again would be my emphatic advice.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 16/08/2018 07:39

My initial thought was you have a dh problem if he gets upset over a grope on a park bench that you haven't mentioned. But if he was ok about that then yes the timing does sound off after the engagement conversation.
Tbf reminiscing about innocent stuff like that isn't a worry in itself. Just in context with the timing and slapped arse expression it does sound as if it's a friend probem.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 16/08/2018 07:41

And look on the bright side. At least you get to choose your own ring so it'll be much nicer. I'd have hatred for someone to choose a ring for me.

beetrootbang · 16/08/2018 07:43

You need to cut her out. She’s no friend of yours.

LadyRochfordsHoickedGusset · 16/08/2018 07:44

She's a sneaky asF bitch. Not your friend at all. Pie her.

LadyRochfordsHoickedGusset · 16/08/2018 07:45

X-post beetroot!

ResistanceIsNecessary · 16/08/2018 07:50

She's jealous.

Don't confront her. It never goes like it does in the films, where you have exactly the right words and she crumbles and begs for forgiveness - more likely she'll get even more defensive, say some shit that enrages you even further and you'll end up coming away from the whole thing feeling even worse than before.

I'd leave her be; don't contact her and let the friendship go. If she does get in touch to ask why you've been quiet I'd send a reasonably neutral text back and then block her: I was quite upset by what happened on X night and it's clear that we are going in different directions so think it's best that we leave things there. Best of luck.

Pornstarlips · 16/08/2018 07:58

Ditch her. One day she will come on to your husband. Trust me. She is consumed with jealousy and is very bitter.

emma2939 · 16/08/2018 07:59

Deffo withdraw from this 'friend' I don't think from what you have said your partner is the problem at all, I think it sounds like he felt awkward and didn't speak in the car as he didn't know how OP was.I think if I was at a table in a conversation like that I would be the same and not talk until that person did, or if I did talk it would just to ask if she was ok. Maybe partner told OP about engagement because 1.To let you know that might have explained the face of thunder and 2.Incase she beat him to it and told you herself to spoil it, now he knows she likes to blab about things.
Enjoy ring shopping!! X

EvaHarknessRose · 16/08/2018 08:00

I like that he told you. It suggests that when push comes to shove he wants open honest communication with you. Otherwise you would not have had the information you needed to know that she is trying to sabotage you.

Iamoutragedetc · 16/08/2018 08:02

She isn't your friend she's a spiteful cow.

ImAIdoot · 16/08/2018 08:03

Don't confront her. It never goes like it does in the films, where you have exactly the right words and she crumbles and begs for forgiveness - more likely she'll get even more defensive, say some shit that enrages you even further and you'll end up coming away from the whole thing feeling even worse than before.

I confronted, and was treated to a letter being sent to DP listing everyone I've had sex with to her knowledge, everything I got up to while I was a teenager (I spent my life going to raves etc) and a few demented lies thrown in for good measure to try and suggest I was a cheating bitch.

She got a response telling her she was laughable and where to go, and not from me. This is what such people don't understand about marriage, at least a good one - when you choose to team up with someone you trust for life, people who try to put between you and sow seeds of mistrust are very obvious and can FTFO.

emma2939 · 16/08/2018 08:03

Forgot to add, her actions are screaming jealousy!!! X

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