Friend bringing up what I did on a park bench as a teenager

[Iswallowtoothpaste]

My friend has been going through a bit of a shit time recently. Her best friend who also lived with her moved away and another male friend whom she thought she was getting close to has turned round and said he has no romantic feelings towards her whatsoever after leading her on for months.

She’s helped us out with the kids a couple of times in the past, nothing major, the odd night babysitting etc. She’s always been a good listener however there have been a couple of instances over the last couple of years where it’s apparent that she likes to shout her mouth off at times.

The latest instance, which I’m fairly pissed off about happened last weekend.

Myself, OH, DSD (8) and DD (5) decides that we’d go to Pizza Hut as a treat and we invited my friend along too.

During the meal, DSD said that she needed to go to the toilet so I took her and when I came back my friend had a face like a slapped arse. I thought OH had perhaps said something to piss her off or that she’d taken the wrong way but he seemed oblivious to anything.

My friend then starts reminiscing about when we were teenagers, nights out, drunken antics etc. Fine, we were younger once, I’ve got nothing to hide. Until she decides to drop the ‘just what were you and ‘X’ doing on that bench in the park.’

Yeah, apart from that. OH knows about all 3 of the people I’ve had sex with (including him) but kissing, canoodling and the odd grope on a park bench, I never bothered mentioning because it never seemed important. I was quite shocked, she must’ve been able to see that I was willing her to STFU by this point. Not just because of OH but also because of the fact that DC’s were listening and present.

The rest of the meal was pretty awkward, we sat there in silence, paid and went home. OH never said a word to me in the car on the way home then once I’d put the kids to bed started to question me on what exactly had happened on a park bench 9 years ago when I was 18. So I told him, nothing too explicit, quick snog and a feel. That was it. No bumping of uglies, fully clothed, nicely intoxicated.

He then went on to say that when myself and DSD went to the toilet, he’d said to my friend that he needed to go ring shopping with her (so that he could pick an engagement ring for me - he wouldn’t know where to start, hence asking my friend)

So anyway, surprise ruined. Thanks. I just think that the timing was a bit uncanny - she decides to bring up the park bench after OH mentions going ring shopping and asking for her help.

Pretty fucked off with her to be honest, feel as though it was an attempt to put a wedge between myself and OH.

AIBU to keep her at arms length?

OP, I disagree your OH was being a dick, sounds like he wanted to find out the background to put it all in context.

Adn your "friend" is anything but. I agree with a previous comment that if the ring shopping had gone ahead, she'd have pushed for a fugly ring, going by the other stuff.

Suggest to your OH you go together. After all, you're going to be the one wearing it.

your ‘friend’is a dick and trying to sabotage your relationship.

The first response nailed it tbh. Why is your dp hassling you about perfectly normal teenage behaviour?

By the sounds of OPs posts, perhaps he just wanted to bring it up and talk it through because he wanted to talk about the incident, and so OP was assured it was not a problem.

I've had a similar incident where a toxic person tried to raise "dirt" about someone's past to drive a wedge between people, and my first instinct was to go to them and talk it out and make sure they understood nobody gave a shit, everyone cared about them, they did not need to hide or be ashamed.

@OP ditch this fuckhead of a "friend". The fact she did this in front of your family is the main thing and I would consider not speaking to her for that, but the fact it appears to be some sort of power game because she discovered your engagement is a massive red flag, you probably do not want that sort of person in your life.

I think loads about this. Your 'friend' was really unpleasant and perhaps jealous of your life. Please do what is right for you.

I'd have to tell her how hurt you feel about her unpleasant behavior and if it happens again you will walk out.

That kind of conversation is not appropriate in front of kids.

Your dh or you or both of you should have shut her down immediately. Just willing her to stfu was not enough.

Your dp has no right to question what you did on a park bench almost a decade ago.

Go shopping for the ring together. And tell your dp that including your friend in those plans was not sensible at all. If he has no clue what kind of ring you'd like there are ways to find out.

Has this incident has spoiled the proposal? A bit? If so, best to put it behind you but make sure your dp and your friend know you are injured party here.

I'd just want to make sure he knows how ridiculous it was for him to question you; by my calculation he was having sex creating his child 9 years ago so it's not his business what you were doing when you were not together.

I am afraid his behaviour sounds like it did bother him.

"The rest of the meal was pretty awkward, we sat there in silence, paid and went home. OH never said a word to me in the car on the way home then once I’d put the kids to bed started to question me on what exactly had happened on a park bench 9 years ago when I was 18."

I’d want to confront her, but then I’m an arsey bitch. Why the fuck would she mention this? And why is she derogatory about everything? Speak to her, see what her problem is, if she has something going on, then ok, but otherwise, I’d be sodding furious with her.

'OH never said a word to me in the car on the way home then once I’d put the kids to bed started to question me on what exactly had happened on a park bench 9 years ago when I was 18.'

It's not your 'mate' that's the problem by the sound of it.

Pathetic

Any 'friend' who would bring up someone's sexual past (other than a snog) is not a friend and I would cut them out so fast their head would swim. That is a betrayal of the worst kind. Unforgivable.

As far as DP goes; he asked, you answered. Done and over with. He should never bring it up again.

Not a friend and inappropriate in front of kids. Drop her would be best imho.

YANBU - keep her at arm's and a lot further!

Sorry but that's a fucking ridiculous thing to say in pizza hut over dinner with two small kids. Is she socially completely inept or something? Actually I'll tell you what she is, absolutely and completely consumed with jealousy. I'd see her much less often and keep it superficial OP

I’d be straight on the phone to her that night (unless she had drinks to sleep off- so next morning). I’d say ‘I want to talk about what happened at dinner.’ I’d stop and wait in case she had an apology ready. If not, I’d be straight on with ‘what on earth were you thinking, talking about that park bench thing???’

Make it clear that it was totally inappropriate, not even slightly funny and made her out to look a bit unhinged. Tell her there’s no way you’ll ever be convinced that it wasn’t connected to her finding out you were getting engaged, and that it showed a very bizarre reaction on her part. That it’s made you & DP question whether she has your best interests at heart, as a true friend would. Then end by saying you’ll need to process this seriously, and would appreciate her doing the same.

If she doesn’t get back in touch with apologies, you’ll know you were right. You only need true friends around you, to celebrate your exciting new life!

I wouldn’t confront her. It probably won’t achieve anything.

So she’s been undermining and criticising everything in your life? Jesus, why sign up for any more? Just fade it out.

Life's too short to waste time with people who suck the joy out of it. Sounds like she was jealous about the prospective proposal and decided to plant a nasty seed of suspicion. There are no excuses I'd want to hear, no confrontation just drop her like a stone.

Very jealous woman. Keep away or she will try and bag your man. Good luck.

My goodness, if that is her reaction over your DH asking for help choosing an engagement ring - imagine how she'd behave at your wedding. She is mean spirited - the worst kind of mean. You included her on a family trip and she was crass and spiteful. I would be so flattered if a friend's partner asked me to help choose a ring, not stomp all over it.

She sounds like one of these people with an inflated idea of how their life should have turned out - great job, huge house, perfect relationship and when that doesn't happen they put other people down. I used to have a friend who made small digs at my wasted potential, my choice of buying in a rough area. She accused me of 'settling' for my DH and giving up on finding a great love - truth be known, she can't get to a second date as she is so high maintenance and of course its always their fault.

A good friend would not tread over a happy occasion to make themselves feel superior. I think your decision to distance yourself is a right one. Don't feed the beast.

Congratulations OP.

If someone my husband knew brought up something thing husband did in his wild uni days in front of our child, I know him enough to know he’d tell them, ‘this is not the time or place for reminiscing about that’.

She's jealous and he's a bit of a dick

Just ghost her. Your life will be the better for it.

And congratulations!

I'll never understand how you can be friendly enough with someone to spend time with them, help each other out and even go to dinner together but you couldn't have just said "err not here it's inappropriate" at the time?

She sounds like a prize twat who was dead jealous that your DP was about to propose, and did her best to sabotage it. But she was so eaten up with her own feelings that it didn't even occur to her (maybe) that it was a highly inappropriate topic to bring up in front of the kids! Or maybe that was part of the plan too? Worse if it was.

I can see why the atmosphere was tense after that because you would have wanted to have it out with her, but couldn't because of the kids; your DP would have wanted to know what she was on about but couldn't because of the kids and the kids would be picking up on all the tension and wondering what the hell was going on.

I think that you're better off without her in your life. Up to you if you explain why, I don't think I'd bother! but if you do decide to, make it about the kids and her inability to realise how inappropriate she was being.

Glad your DP is a sensible man - I can understand why he'd want to know the full story re. the Park Bench Incident, although in reality it's not any of his business now, because he'd want to know why the fuck your friend even brought it up!

Anyway - Yes, SWBTU and you need to drop her.

YANBU. I had a friend do almost the exact same thing to me years ago in front of my now DH. It was confirmation for me that her personal insecurities meant she could not truly be happy for me and as a result I allowed our relationship to drift and decided against having her as a bridesmaid despite her having been a lifelong friend.

Your friend is a total dick.

She's not your friend. She doesn't like or respect you, hence why she spoke inappropriately in front of your OH. She wanted trouble to land in your relationship. Expect more shitty behaviour thru jealousy if you don't ditch her. I'd have told her and her loose mouth to get to fuck out of it already. No dilemma. False friends are unnecessary to life.

TBH some posters here sound like the friend! Trying desperately to make this an issue between OP and DP.

Even before Op explained, it doesnt take a genius to work out they were in silence because it was awkward at dinner, Op was probably seething in the car, and oh please her dp ruined the suprise as some sort of revenge? The whole thing with the friend started AFTER her and the DP were left alone for a short time, so the conversation during is pretty relevant.

OP re your friend, just leave her in her bitter stew. If she ask why she’s not heard from you in a while tell her you’ve been busy planning your wedding! There’s no point raising this with her, she’ll just brush it off as a joke and she’ll make you out to be the bad guy for taking it so seriously.