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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend bringing up what I did on a park bench as a teenager

189 replies

Iswallowtoothpaste · 15/08/2018 22:00

My friend has been going through a bit of a shit time recently. Her best friend who also lived with her moved away and another male friend whom she thought she was getting close to has turned round and said he has no romantic feelings towards her whatsoever after leading her on for months.

She’s helped us out with the kids a couple of times in the past, nothing major, the odd night babysitting etc. She’s always been a good listener however there have been a couple of instances over the last couple of years where it’s apparent that she likes to shout her mouth off at times.

The latest instance, which I’m fairly pissed off about happened last weekend.

Myself, OH, DSD (8) and DD (5) decides that we’d go to Pizza Hut as a treat and we invited my friend along too.

During the meal, DSD said that she needed to go to the toilet so I took her and when I came back my friend had a face like a slapped arse. I thought OH had perhaps said something to piss her off or that she’d taken the wrong way but he seemed oblivious to anything.

My friend then starts reminiscing about when we were teenagers, nights out, drunken antics etc. Fine, we were younger once, I’ve got nothing to hide. Until she decides to drop the ‘just what were you and ‘X’ doing on that bench in the park.’

Yeah, apart from that. OH knows about all 3 of the people I’ve had sex with (including him) but kissing, canoodling and the odd grope on a park bench, I never bothered mentioning because it never seemed important. I was quite shocked, she must’ve been able to see that I was willing her to STFU by this point. Not just because of OH but also because of the fact that DC’s were listening and present.

The rest of the meal was pretty awkward, we sat there in silence, paid and went home. OH never said a word to me in the car on the way home then once I’d put the kids to bed started to question me on what exactly had happened on a park bench 9 years ago when I was 18. So I told him, nothing too explicit, quick snog and a feel. That was it. No bumping of uglies, fully clothed, nicely intoxicated.

He then went on to say that when myself and DSD went to the toilet, he’d said to my friend that he needed to go ring shopping with her (so that he could pick an engagement ring for me - he wouldn’t know where to start, hence asking my friend)

So anyway, surprise ruined. Thanks. I just think that the timing was a bit uncanny - she decides to bring up the park bench after OH mentions going ring shopping and asking for her help.

Pretty fucked off with her to be honest, feel as though it was an attempt to put a wedge between myself and OH.

AIBU to keep her at arms length?

OP posts:
Timefortea99 · 15/08/2018 22:26

Ditch the bitch. She was trying to rain on your parade.

Original poster
Iswallowtoothpaste · 15/08/2018 22:27

@Gottokondo
I’ll definitely be keeping her at arms length. It’s a shame as we were very close when we were younger but I’m recent months everything has been like a competition with her. She slates our home, my job, OH’s business etc. Always put it down to a lack of confidence/bringing me down to make herself feel better but this is a whole new level - trying to destroy my own relationship. We’ve got her weighed up but what other shit is she going to come out with. Especially in front of the kids.

OP posts:
IsTheRainEverComingBack · 15/08/2018 22:30

She’s not your friend. She’s clearly jealous and being a bitch, you don’t need that.

BackforGood · 15/08/2018 22:30

Doesn't sound like a friend.
Apart from anything else, completely inappropriate conversation in front of your 5 yr old and 8 yr old. Hmm

Though I do think it is odd of your dp to ask anyone other than you to go engagment ring shopping with him Confused that, however, doesn't really give any reason for your friend to start acting so oddly.

Belina · 15/08/2018 22:30

I will never understand why so called friends do shit like this

I had my friend recently we were at a pool and I fell in nearly drowned she found it hilarious then went on to tell the several other guest who I didn't know how funny it was that I fell in
I was like wtf is wrong with u

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 15/08/2018 22:30

Oh and definitely choose the ring together, we did. You’re the one that’s got to wear it for the rest of your life!

WomanWithAltitude · 15/08/2018 22:34

She was a dick, but the main problem here seems to be your DP!

The first response nailed it tbh. Why is your dp hassling you about perfectly normal teenage behaviour?

longwayoff · 15/08/2018 22:38

This is something that real friends understand: if you are in the company of your friends current partner and children, everything you may have done in your misspent youth, in the company of friend, prior to partner and kids is OFF LIM ITS unless she brings it up herself. Thats an absolute basic. An untrustworthy friend is neither use nor ornament. Choose a nice ring.

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 15/08/2018 22:38

Yikes, she sounds like fun Hmm. Yes, I’d also keep her at arm’s length. Very, very strange behaviour. You’re a grown woman, mum and stepmum. So, so strange of her to bring up a drunken snog when you were teenagers in front of dcs Confused. Sour grapes maybe? I’d expect it from a teenager, not an adult. Really childish and petulant of her.

Congratulations in advance Flowers!

Goostacean · 15/08/2018 22:38

Disagree that your DP is out of line; if someone brought up a park bench scenario about my DH in that suspicious way, I’d also want to know what the story was. You say he was reasonable when he asked for details, so you clearly have a Friend Problem not a DP Problem. Good luck, your “friend” sounds unhelpful and jealous.

Ontheboardwalk · 15/08/2018 22:42

She’s not your friend

Claw001 · 15/08/2018 22:44

What a cow, especially in front of your kids Shock

CanaryFish · 15/08/2018 22:45

Oh god an ex friend of mine would do stuff like this all the time.
Any opportunity to bring me down she could get she would take it. Now I’m fairly secure in all my life decisions and such but you know that feeling when someone is deliberately trying to insult or take you down a peg?
She low key criticized my infant daughter’s looks for example, the amount of money she thinks my husband makes, the value of my house etc and of course smirking and giggling About stuff that we did in college at inappropriate times.
I felt bad for her tbh, she’s a very unhappy person but I can’t fix that and I don’t need toxic negativity in my life.

Original poster
Iswallowtoothpaste · 15/08/2018 22:46

DP has done nothing wrong to be fair. I’d probably have reacted similarly with the kids present. If they hadn’t been in the car we’d have discussed how inappropriate her behaviour was then.

Do I confront her about it or simply keep her at arms length?

OP posts:
FrustratedTeddyLamp · 15/08/2018 22:50

Friend outta order but why did your dp have to tell you about the engagement ring? Unless you harassed him to tell you it seems unnecessary

Original poster
Iswallowtoothpaste · 15/08/2018 22:51

@FrustratedTeddyLamp I did harass him Blush I’m an absolute pain in the arse when I want to know something!

OP posts:
FrustratedTeddyLamp · 15/08/2018 22:51

Oh just read

Honeyroar · 15/08/2018 22:51

She sounds green with jealousy and immature. I'd be telling her what a stupid and inappropriate thing it was to bring up in front of the children and you're not impressed.

I don't understand why he needed to ruin the surprise of the proposal though??

PolkaHots · 15/08/2018 22:53

That’s totally beyond the pale - I would consider just cutting her out.

ScattyCharly · 15/08/2018 22:59

She’s not your friend. At all.

You shouldn’t confront her. It will solve nothing, she’ll turn the situation around as though you are being mean to her.

Best thing to do is start lessening contact. Until it is down to almost nothing. No arguments or confrontations, just drift. Next time she suggests something, say you have something else on. And never let her babysit the kids again now that you are aware of the extent of what she thinks is ok to say in front of them.

Tell your dp you’d like to go ring shopping with him when the time comes. She’d probably encourage him to get something you don’t like anyway, the way she pisses on your chips.

ScattyCharly · 15/08/2018 23:01

Oh and frankly, her best friend moving and her male friend backing off - see the pattern here...!

BackforGood · 15/08/2018 23:04

WomanwithAltitude - have you not read the OP's posts. The DP has done nothing wrong here well, maybe except thinking it was a good idea to take another woman shopping for OP's ring.

CSIblonde · 15/08/2018 23:05

She's unhappy so you getting engaged rubbed it in. Unhappy people lash out. Just tell her it was off and see her separately, not at happy family stuff, if you still want her as a friend.

MonaLisaSimpson · 15/08/2018 23:05

Move on from her.

I have an ex-friend like that who I've discovered is attending the same event as us later this year. I've had to tell DP some stuff I'd rather not have done because I know she'll "accidentally" tell him. Luckily he laughed and said he wished he'd known me when I was that age (late teens/early 20s) because it sounds like I was a lot of fun 😆

KeepServingTheDrinks · 15/08/2018 23:20

I agree with ScattyCharly
You shouldn’t confront her. It will solve nothing, she’ll turn the situation around as though you are being mean to her.

  • great summing up in my view, and then great advice:-
Best thing to do is start lessening contact. Until it is down to almost nothing. No arguments or confrontations, just drift. Next time she suggests something, say you have something else on. And never let her babysit the kids again now that you are aware of the extent of what she thinks is ok to say in front of them I'd add to that perhaps the odd slightly barbed comment about what it's appropriate to bring up in front of children! [particularly the 8 yr old... their ears are all aflap at that age!]

And congratulations on your imminent engagement Flowers