Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend bringing up what I did on a park bench as a teenager

189 replies

Iswallowtoothpaste · 15/08/2018 22:00

My friend has been going through a bit of a shit time recently. Her best friend who also lived with her moved away and another male friend whom she thought she was getting close to has turned round and said he has no romantic feelings towards her whatsoever after leading her on for months.

She’s helped us out with the kids a couple of times in the past, nothing major, the odd night babysitting etc. She’s always been a good listener however there have been a couple of instances over the last couple of years where it’s apparent that she likes to shout her mouth off at times.

The latest instance, which I’m fairly pissed off about happened last weekend.

Myself, OH, DSD (8) and DD (5) decides that we’d go to Pizza Hut as a treat and we invited my friend along too.

During the meal, DSD said that she needed to go to the toilet so I took her and when I came back my friend had a face like a slapped arse. I thought OH had perhaps said something to piss her off or that she’d taken the wrong way but he seemed oblivious to anything.

My friend then starts reminiscing about when we were teenagers, nights out, drunken antics etc. Fine, we were younger once, I’ve got nothing to hide. Until she decides to drop the ‘just what were you and ‘X’ doing on that bench in the park.’

Yeah, apart from that. OH knows about all 3 of the people I’ve had sex with (including him) but kissing, canoodling and the odd grope on a park bench, I never bothered mentioning because it never seemed important. I was quite shocked, she must’ve been able to see that I was willing her to STFU by this point. Not just because of OH but also because of the fact that DC’s were listening and present.

The rest of the meal was pretty awkward, we sat there in silence, paid and went home. OH never said a word to me in the car on the way home then once I’d put the kids to bed started to question me on what exactly had happened on a park bench 9 years ago when I was 18. So I told him, nothing too explicit, quick snog and a feel. That was it. No bumping of uglies, fully clothed, nicely intoxicated.

He then went on to say that when myself and DSD went to the toilet, he’d said to my friend that he needed to go ring shopping with her (so that he could pick an engagement ring for me - he wouldn’t know where to start, hence asking my friend)

So anyway, surprise ruined. Thanks. I just think that the timing was a bit uncanny - she decides to bring up the park bench after OH mentions going ring shopping and asking for her help.

Pretty fucked off with her to be honest, feel as though it was an attempt to put a wedge between myself and OH.

AIBU to keep her at arms length?

OP posts:
emma2939 · 16/08/2018 08:06

Omg ImAIdoot!!! What a hard faced bitch!

YeTalkShiteHen · 16/08/2018 08:08

She’s a nasty piece of work, and I don’t think your DP did anything wrong. He wanted to do something nice for you, expecting a friend to want to help (not an unreasonable expectation!) and she pissed all over his idea and your relationship out of sheer spite.

Mentioning past drunken escapades (however tame) in front of your kids is a shitty thing to do too!

He asked what happened, which I think is reasonable and from what you’ve written OP, he was curious rather than pissed off so that sounds fair enough.

I think he told you because he thought she’d tell you out of spite too.

I’d not be contacting her again, nor responding to any attempt from her.

Some people just can’t help being arseholes, it doesn’t mean you need to be friends with them.

SoupDragon · 16/08/2018 08:14

why the hell does your DP have any right to be pissed off about anything you did before you met him?

He wasn’t.

The “friend” dropped a barbed statement into a conversation that could have meant anything really. Any normal person would be curious as to what exactly she meant by it and too right the conversation would be stilted and the atmosphere awkward after that kind of behaviour from the friend.

Definitely let the friendship fade away, OP.

MarthasGinYard · 16/08/2018 08:16

Bloody hell could you imagine what monstrosity of a ring you might have ended up with with him involving her Shock

senua · 16/08/2018 08:20

Ditch her and tell her why.
Might as well do it now, it saves explaining later why she is not invited to the wedding.

Don't mention the effect on DP. Instead, emphasise that it was out of order doing it in front of the DC.

Theresnodisneyending · 16/08/2018 08:22

What a nasty, spiteful, jealous bitch your "friend" is.

ittakes2 · 16/08/2018 08:25

You have been so nice to her - her jealousy is clearly stirring the pot. If she was a true friend she would be delighted for you and that she’s been asked.

LagunaBubbles · 16/08/2018 08:29

There was no need for OP’s DP to quiz her about her sexual past

Again asking what happened in repsonse to a comment earlier from friend that had no place in the conversation is not the same as "quizzing her about her sexual past".

ShotsFired · 16/08/2018 08:30

@Iswallowtoothpaste a lot of the responses are articulating something which sits very uneasily to us as objective readers looking in.

Yes your friend was being a dick for whatever reason - agreed and I would not worry too much about disassociating from her. But there also seems to be a lot of minimising and excusing your partner's behaviour.

You make it sound like "of course" he knows all about your past sex life like it's a obligatory conversation. Why? It's your history, not his. You could have had 3 or 333 previous sex partners and that is no worse, no better and still none of his business. And as pp say, he's had kids elsewhere, so who is he to go getting sniffy about teenage fumbling?

Then you go on to defend how you dragged the truth out of him, which boils down to him being unable to go ring shopping? Fuck that. He's a grown man so (a) perfectly able and (b) could have just made a simple excuse or alternative reason. But now he's kind of made you feel like the bad guy in all this.

I know you don't want to hear negative things about the man you love, but as I say, we have no skin in the game to go either way. Your comments just don't feel right.

I would bet my bottom dollar that ring does not turn up any day soon, innate-ring-shopping-expert-friend or not.

HisBetterHalf · 16/08/2018 08:40

She is no friend

LotsToThinkOf · 16/08/2018 08:51

I might be way, way off here - you went to the toilet, came back and your friend was visibly annoyed. She then tried to sabotage your relationship.

DP then needs to know the details of a fumble you had on a park bench, you explain it to him.

He then tells you he was planning a proposal and that he'd asked friend to come ring shopping. This explains why she was so annoyed when you came back?

Friend full of resentment, DP being jealous and ridiculous. Why is your friend so upset? Why was DP so quick to tell you that it was because he'd asked her to go ring shopping? Why is DP so interested in your behaviour even when you weren't with him?

I think you need to talk to your friend.

BrynhildurWhitemane · 16/08/2018 08:52

Blimey, some people on here are really attacking the OH.

So he was quiet in the car. I'd say it was the friend's behaviour causing that, and there's no way it would have been easy to even discuss part of that with the kids in the car.

And as for quizzing OP, sounds to me he simply wanted to know about the incident simply to put it all in context to the friend's behaviour that night.

BrynhildurWhitemane · 16/08/2018 08:54

LotsToThinkOf OH only told OP about the ring after she, in her words, hassled him. I don't agree the OH is jealous.

Loopytiles · 16/08/2018 08:57

“OH never said a word to me in the car on the way home then once I’d put the kids to bed started to question me on what exactly had happened on a park bench 9 years ago when I was 18”.

Unnecessary: OP was a teen at the time. Park bench stuff is common teenage stuff.

And there was no need for him to tell her about the potential proposal.

jelly449 · 16/08/2018 08:57

Sorry but I don't think the oh did anything wrong here. At all.

He's just mentioned he is going to propose and needs to go ring shopping - that's a massive thing for him. He's then confided in the friend. Who's then decided to mention something totally irrelevant and made it all uncomfortable. I'd be pissed off if I were the OH and thinking 'wtf'

I wouldn't invite this woman to your wedding if I were you op

senua · 16/08/2018 08:59

objective readers looking in.
Nobody is objective. There is a lot of projecting going on.

who is he to go getting sniffy about teenage fumbling?
If you were told about a cryptic ‘just what were [your partner] and ‘X’ doing on that bench in the park’ wouldn't you be curious? The friend was stirring and trying to make it out to be more than it was.

Don't let friend spoil this, OP. Go ring shopping with your S2BH and arrive at a mutual decision - that's what being married is all about, isn't it.Smile

llangennith · 16/08/2018 09:00

Don't contact the ex-friend.
Going off track slightly, do men really ask another woman to go with them to help choose an engagement ring? Never heard anyone do that and I'd be annoyed if a partner didn't do this on his own.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 16/08/2018 09:02

Bloody hell ImAldoot that woman sounds bloody demented!

lazyhazysummer · 16/08/2018 09:02

The Ops dp did nothing wrong. Obviously mildly curious as to what the weird friend meant. For her to mention it at all suggests something out of the ordinary happened. Of course he's going to ask what it was. It would have been weirder for him NOT to ask, and once he knew he didn't pursue it. How odd if we were to show no curiosity about our partners past lives. He was just being a normal human being ffs.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 16/08/2018 09:06

I think that's really inappropriate to bring it up in front of your kids. If she's having a hard time I'd maybe give her the benefit of the doubt as maybe jealousy got the better of her in the moment, but if she has form for this type of thing I think I would distance myself from her. Deliberately causing a scene in front of your family is nasty.

To people saying your partner didn't handle it well - I think if he'd been questioning you in general then that''s wrong , but your friend made it out to be worse than it was, so I think it's human nature to ask a few questions if you've heard half a story....especially if youve shared your sexual history and the friend implied there was something major you'd left out

lazyhazysummer · 16/08/2018 09:09

Unnecessary: OP was a teen at the time. Park bench stuff is common teenage stuff.

And once he found out that's all it was he didn't pursue it. The friend was implying it was something else, (or why mention it) so why would he assume it was just normal teenage stuff. He only asked because he didn't have a clue what the friend was on about. Completely normal to ask. Let's stop vilifying the Dp for being a normal human being.

Funnyface1 · 16/08/2018 09:11

Don't see the "friend" ever again. Go ring shopping together with oh, pick something you both love.

apriljune12 · 16/08/2018 09:13

Op you have a viper trying to get into your nest love.

Drop her now. Distance her now.

She’s trouble I have met her type before. Honestly drop her.

Notmany · 16/08/2018 09:18

Got to love MN posters trying to blame the man for the actions of your obvious frenemy. Hope you've roundly ignored them.

She's a jealous bitch that has tried to damage your romantic relationship. Ditch her.

Weepingangels · 16/08/2018 09:19

She is not a friend. I too had one like this and i just let myself drift away and was unavailable. We still have to see each other socially and work in the same field.

I do dislike ghosting but sometimes it is the lesser shitty option and better for you.