To think I should never open my mouth again?

[SophieSellerman]

On the phone to British Gas first thing this morning. Give them bill reference, using the phonetic alphabet because I am very clever. Only I somehow manage to say "Y for Wanky".

Then visit my chiropractor, who has Form where women are concerned. We talk about cars. I tell him I am windswept because I had the convertible roof open.

"You do know it isn't sunny?" says he.

"Yes, but I like to have it off as much as possible," I reply.

I would like to think he hadn't noticed, but his reply suggested that he had.

IABU to think I am a liability and ought to be gagged for the whole of the rest of eternity?

I've also done the wanky thing! Was shopping and on the phone to dh "I'm just going for a wanky". Everyone was staring and smirking whilst I was mumbling Yankee, I meant Yankee

Espresso

Mumashark, what were you actually going for?

Just a new Yankee candle

Muma 😂😂

Was on the phone to hotpoint the other day spelling out my postcode. Was very flustered with the kids running around, it came to S.... I said S, S, S for....... I don't know. Just S.

The conversation immediately went downhill from there.

A few of these are really making me LAUGH so loud!!!!

I've done this at work, while speaking to the police

I was passing an address in West Yorkshire (WF), got confused between 'Whisky' and 'Yankee' and unsurprisingly, I've never quite lived down saying 'wanky foxtrot' on a taped police line.

Balloon Wanky Foxtrot. 🤣 We all want to do one.

This happened about a year ago, and I still blush when I think about it:

I usually shower at night due to living in a very hot place. That day, however, I showered and washed my hair before heading to the lab. It was particularly hot that day, and I could feel sweat pooling in my head. So I opened my mouth:
"Shit, I'll have to wash my hair again!" became "Shit, I'll have to shower today!"

Cue everyone giving me side eyes!

We were once at a McDonald's drive through in Brussels. Ordered three cheeseburgers, The server said through the speaker do you want dressing with that,

My husband said yes please, the server asked what kind.

Clearly husbands brain froze, as he shouted "French".

The server said after a pause, we don't do French dressing, it's mustard, bbq etc,

French dressing for your cheeseburger at McDonald's. My daughter and I still laugh about it.🤣

Not me, but an estate agent when I lived abroad (so English not his first language). As we were approaching the property I had arranged to view, he explained that the owners were having structural work done, making the front door inaccessible.

"So I will have to take you up the backside."

I told a group of 14 year old boys to wash their balls before they packed them away.

In fairness it was muddy and the cupboard to store them was small

Went to my local hardware store looking for paint and asked where the durex paint was. He looked at me and just bit his lip and said what? I said where is the durex paint.. Again!!!! Then it clicked... I just walked out and haven't gone back in again. I'm way too embarrassed to ever show my face in there again 😳

Cat's cunt
Good shag
Q for cucumber
Book him in for a hand job

These have made me snort.

A pupil of mine once answered a science question that asked what the part of the head between eyebrows and hairline was with 'foreskin'

My mum once told my new boyfriend I had just bought some lovely crotchless pants. I had actually bought crocheted trousers (sound vile but they weren't!)

Actually they were awful and just like this

At the weekend at a family BBQ (DNs birthday) my uncle jokingly asked if we were going to call our Christmas due baby, baby Jesus. I asked what would happen when he grows up you can't still call him baby Jesus, my gran pipes up with you could call him BJ for short, everyone else falls around laughing and she spent half an hour demanding to be told what BJ is and threatening to Google it (I begged her not to), in a loud fairly RP accent, much to the amusement of DBs friends.

I once said to a customer 'see you next Tuesday'.

FIL was talking to MIL about re-gassing my car's air-con, MIL said 'oh did you give it a sucky blow job' meaning a vacuum. I found it extremely hard to control my laughter. 😂😂

My husband (watching a documentary about penguins): "It's amazing how they move, they're just like birds or something!"

Same very sweet husband: (apropos of nothing): "Bees, they're so clever. Small in spirit, but great in stature..." and off he wandered in his wee world of his own...

Reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory to DD who was probably about 6 at the time and Mr Wonka came out Mr Wanker!
Of course, she had no idea how hilarious that was but I was mortified, especially as I just couldn’t get it right after that. And his name is in the book a lot!
We moved onto a new book the next night.

My eldest daughter has actually done the G for Gnome one in a call centre to a person who didn't speak very good English.

I once walked into an RAF room and announced Babdale and Drycock were here rather than Babcock and Drysdale. Took a while to live that down.

My 5 year old told her Godmothers aged aunt (very prudish) she wants to call her Godmother's new cockerel , ' Spotty Cock Pecker'. We all had to try and keep a straight face.

Watched my personal trainer friend style one out yesterday. She’s bought a new Studio, and is negotiating with suppliers of all the various gym machines.

A very good-looking rep had popped by to introduce himself, hoping for future business and to tempt her away from long term contracts with his competitors. What she meant to say was ‘I’ve seen your catalogue but need to think more on whether it’d be suitable here.’

What she actually said to Cori The Beautiful Rep was ‘I might be willing to break the rules, if you can guarantee your equipment is superior. Does it track smoothly on a daily basis, and are you confident you can get up the stairs? Do you need a hand to measure it?’

She might have gotten away with it better, had I not been next to her snorting and cackling like a 13yo. In retrospect I wish I’d held it together and offered my services, too. Sounded like a two-woman job...

In A&E waiting room and another person waiting to be seen struck up a conversation

They commented on how uncomfortable the seats were and I nonchalantly responded with "meh I've sat on a lot worse"

People began sniggering. I was in the right place because I could've died of embarrassment

I once asked for a "sex sandwich" in a Hospital cafe, the guy looked like he was about to have a coronary. I somehow managed to keep a straight face & point at the tuna one I actually wanted

Once at school a new teacher noticed I went by a nickname although the register had my full name so he asked what I would prefer. In my head I tried to decide if "it doesn't matter" or "I don't mind" sounded better and out loud I managed to come out with "I don't matter" instead.

When someone got mixed up between something being in a different county (not country) I came out with "It's count, not cunt."

Youngest DD went through a stage of trying to find rhymes for any word she used when she was about 8 years old. Had to tell her it maybe wasn't a good idea to call the dog a "woofer poofer."

And not mine but too good not to share: a relative had a new girlfriend he took home to meet his elderly mum (his mum was the type of person who used to turn the TV off if a toilet roll advert came on to add a bit of context here). For some reason they were talking about someone having multiple nose jobs but the girlfriend accidentally said something along the lines of "I heard he'd had another blow job."