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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to scale back, or even cancel, gift giving this xmas?

158 replies

Alldaylong1 · 15/08/2018 15:53

Not for the children obviously, I am thinking more siblings and their partners? My DH and I have large families and each year it is a mammoth task to think of and buy all the presents. The piles of gifts is obscene. I have tried to suggest scaling back and secret santa in the past but as it approaches everyone seems to cave and start buying. I know it's only August Blush, but realistically I would be sensible to start thinking about gifts in September if we are doing the usual affair.

I would genuinely love to just spend money on good food and enjoy each other's company, watch the kids open gifts etc, and be free of all the stress.

AIBU? If not, how can I suggest this without seeming mean? because I do love giving, for families birthdays I put a lot of thought and time in. Xmas though, it just turns into panic buying and ticking off names on the list.

OP posts:
Velvetdragon · 17/08/2018 21:40

We stopped buying presents for anyone other than the young children and grandparents a few years ago. It lifts so much stress, plus you mostly end up giving each other £20 gift vouchers which is pointless. Instead we arrange an evening out or a get together for everyone (siblings) before christmas so we're spending less money but actually having a fun time together. Much more important when you live far away from family and have to take turns with who you spend Christmas with.

lexer · 17/08/2018 21:56

We stopped it years ago although I do give small children a little gift. Everyone has everthing they need I think - or they can buy it themselves. ( I know that's an overstatement but I'm talking about my friends and family)

I always dreaded that stupid season anyway...too much excess. It's just tacky.

divafever99 · 17/08/2018 22:12

Yanbu at all op. I did this last year, it went 2 ways: DH's family thought even the suggestion of cutting back was unthinkable, they were actually quite offended and they wanted to carry on. These are relatives we see a handful of times a year. I have no idea what they like and vice versa. My family however were keen to cut back, finances were tight for most as they had either recently retired or had a young family. The friends I had previously exchanged gifts with thought it was an excellent idea, and instead of spending money on pointless gifts we spent money on doing something nice together (lunch out/cinema trip). It was great, I much preferred spending some quality time with the people I like the most rather than trailing round the shops! We will be doing it again this year. Dh will be getting a list of all the relatives on his side he needs to buy for, because I'm done with Xmas!

violets17 · 17/08/2018 22:28

My two DCs are young adults now so I give them money and a stocking full of nice things to eat. My parents come for Christmas and I give them something small and personal at the table. I give my sister a box of homemade treats and I write one card each year to the same neighbour. It's fabulous and was such a relief to not have to buy for XH enormous family anymore.

TeaForTiger · 17/08/2018 22:59

I'd love to do this, but I'm not brave enough. Blush

Me and DH both have large families (7 siblings between us). I used to love Christmas, but over the years I have started to dread it.

DH's family do SS, but it's £60 a person (they up it every year!) so it still costs us £120. His family will also have full-blown tantrums if the present isn't good enough and there is always a nasty drama. Because it's a SS with an agreed spend ect people feel they have more right to be ungrateful, rather than receiving a gift and saying thanks. I hate it, it causes me so much anxiety every year.

My family all buy gifts, I'd rather stop, but my kids are the only children in the family so I feel guilty.

But the reality is none of us need or want any of it.

Smallhorse · 18/08/2018 00:57

Yes , I did. It’s so liberating

lexer · 18/08/2018 07:48

@smallhorse - you've hit the nail on the head. It is so liberating. I avoid the shops at that silly time of year but I still see the panic on peoples' faces as they try to buy "the right thing". All that lovely time I have to do anything else other than shop is freedom.

RoseMartha · 18/08/2018 08:24

I think the secret santa thing is a good idea. That or limit the spend on adults to £5-10 pp.

Hammondisback · 18/08/2018 09:00

I would definitely suggest no presents for your siblings, just stick to the children. We did this, starting a few years back, and everyone was deeply relieved! Saves a lot of hassle. Why not suggest this in a group text now, before anyone starts buying?

Nodancingshoes · 18/08/2018 09:03

I stopped buying for adults in the family a few years back. We buy for our kids, nieces and nephews plus my nan and that's it!

THEsonofaBITCH · 18/08/2018 09:07

Agree secret santa. We all draw names at the start of November for everyone 13+ with a limit of £20.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 18/08/2018 09:26

We mostly don’t do any adult gifts which is fabulous. One year we did a secret Santa when everyone had a £15 limit but had to buy from a charity shop. That was brilliant fun and the recipient then had to guess who had bought their gift. There was much hilarity

I love this idea ! You can get a lot of second hand books for £15.........

Flobalob · 18/08/2018 09:38

We've been doing adult secret santa for years and it works well.

This year, I was having a declutter of the kids' bedroom and found Christmas gifts that hadn't been touched all year. They've been sent back to Santa to bring again this year. They won't notice if they haven't touched it in 8 months. I'm thinking about getting the kids one big, shared present this year (a TV) and fill up their sacks with useful items like clothes and then very few toys like games as they are already overrun with toys. They will be nearly 9 and 10 years old.

Flobalob · 18/08/2018 09:40

I already have a load of games and stationary in the loft from sales so will just buy one or two gifts from their list this year.

vdbfamily · 18/08/2018 09:52

We also do secret santa for adults and kids. Adults buy one adult gift around £20 for one other adult.
Each adult unit (3 couples and one single dad) then get 3 children(not their own) to buy one SS gift of same value.
My parents give us all £20 per child to buy for them and join the adult SS so not buying for all adults.
Basically means immediate family are covered with £100 but unfortunately for me I have about 30 plus others I buy for!!

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 18/08/2018 10:21

YANBU at all OP. Adults really shouldn't need or expect presents, particularly if it means you will be paying it off well into the next year. Often it's money spent on friperies that the recipient may not need or want. Whilst we push the boat out for birthdays, dh and I buy each other a book, Christmas with a good book is a treat enough for me. Parents and grown up children maybe, but extended family, depending on the number, I'd say no. Just give them a polite explanation as to your reasons.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 18/08/2018 11:16

We did secret Santa, then charity shop gift ( which was hilarious)
Best of all was agreeing no adult gifts, what a relief!! adults stop pretending to be delighted with house clogging stuff we don't need or want, having to wear the jewellery/ scarf you don't like at least once in front of giver

annandale · 18/08/2018 13:22

It's possible to have a big rule and bend it a bit.

We don't buy for adult siblings and adult nieces/nephews/godchildren any more. We do buy for grandparents but it's always something simple like a book or plant or toiletries that we know they like, plus a jar of something we have made. We do buy for children up to 18 or 21 depending on how good they are at thank you calls.... but only ever one present each (OK the exception is Ds's stocking, which seems to contain increasingly nice presents Blush)

It's not competitive non-spending. It really isn't. We prioritise cards with plenty of news and a picture of ds if it's for elderly relatives, which IMO actually is a shame that people aren't doing any more (though I see why, when people just shove their name in and nothing else - er, thanks for telling me but I already knew your name). We prioritise seeing people and spending time together, and if someone is hosting us obviously we will take a guest gift anyway.

This is sounding smug, it's not meant to. I've really pulled my finger out on birthday presents this year - I don't buy them for siblings any more but I was crap at presents for friends and have now started buying decent presents because they are fantastic and I love them. But that's the thing - a thoughtful personal present within your means is never a bad idea. Doesn't have to be a tsunami of presents just because it's Christmas.

Gilly12345 · 18/08/2018 16:49

If you have lots of siblings then yes I think you can stop buying Christmas and Birthday presents for them, obviously still buy for the children until they are 18 or 21, if when this is suggested it goes down badly then compromise with the secret Santa idea with a budget?

Lilymossflower · 18/08/2018 21:23

IM not goin to do gifts this year. So stressful last time. I going to do a sponsor an animal thingy or something like that for people instead

Moomicorn · 19/08/2018 05:47

My SIL suggested this. But she and BIL are the only people in the extended family with kids.

So basically she wanted everyone to buy her kids presents and no-one else in the family to get anything.

Cornishclio · 19/08/2018 07:26

We stopped buying for adults a few years ago. So much better both I;not receiving unwanted gifts or trying to think of things to buy. We go for meals out with friends instead of presents.

Cornishclio · 19/08/2018 07:33

My present buying list is
DH (he only has to buy for me)
2 DDs and Son in law
2 DGDs
My brother as he has no partner or children
Something thoughtful for my mum and stepdad which is difficult but I feel bad stopping buying for them as they are so generous with us financially. They live a distance away though so if we don't see them I will get them a hamper or something online.

NordicNobody · 19/08/2018 09:20

We do secret santa with my partners family as it's HUGE! It's the best thing ever. They make it even easier by having a £20 spending limit and they all have Amazon wish lists as well. I know MN hates wish lists but to me it's the most stress free gift giving approach ever. Obviously, as you said, people buy for partners and children as well. If everyone gave to everyone we'd do nothing but open gifts all day and drown in wrapping paper. I'd much rather be eating and chatting!

vdbfamily · 19/08/2018 09:54

Sailing......Secret Santa still works with single siblings. All adult names in a hat and draw one each. With the kids, all their names in a hat, so 13 in our family and then divide between families so 3 couples and a single is 4 units, we do 3 kids each and wealthiest brother happily does the extra one. You might argue that single unmarried only has one income but it does just keep it simple.

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