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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to scale back, or even cancel, gift giving this xmas?

158 replies

Alldaylong1 · 15/08/2018 15:53

Not for the children obviously, I am thinking more siblings and their partners? My DH and I have large families and each year it is a mammoth task to think of and buy all the presents. The piles of gifts is obscene. I have tried to suggest scaling back and secret santa in the past but as it approaches everyone seems to cave and start buying. I know it's only August Blush, but realistically I would be sensible to start thinking about gifts in September if we are doing the usual affair.

I would genuinely love to just spend money on good food and enjoy each other's company, watch the kids open gifts etc, and be free of all the stress.

AIBU? If not, how can I suggest this without seeming mean? because I do love giving, for families birthdays I put a lot of thought and time in. Xmas though, it just turns into panic buying and ticking off names on the list.

OP posts:
BigBlueBubble · 16/08/2018 09:08

some of them didn't have a lot of money and it was nearly their only chance for nice stuff
I don’t understand this. If you have £50 and Secret Santa costs £50 then you get a £50 gift. If SS costs £5 then you have £45 left to spend on yourself so you still get £50 worth of stuff?

BackInTime · 16/08/2018 09:10

YANBU OP. We did this a few years ago and just buy for parents, DC and nephews and nieces. I am considering cutting out buying for 8 nephews and nieces this year as they just get so much and already have so much that it’s getting ridiculous and it’s not always appreciated. I also really struggle with choosing what to get and get really stressed about it all and it actually makes me hate the time of year.

We all have enough stuff but what we don’t have is time to do enjoy what we have or time to spend with people we love. Who the hell needs another bath & body gift set or trio of olive oils, it’s such a waste of time and money.

Didiusfalco · 16/08/2018 09:25

@Quangot I feel the same as you. Possibly this isn’t the thread for me, but I don’t recognise the problem of all this tat that everyone is dealing with. Sure the dc get a bit too much plastic from relatives, but I think that’s par for the course. In terms of adults we exchange consumables, books and other small gifts and it tends to be stress free and appreciated. I also enjoy choosing for people Blush

ionising · 16/08/2018 09:28

Not unreasonable at all op.

We stopped giving gifts five tears ago to adults and it is such a relief. Still buy for my two nephews and my dd and get oh a present. However my parents, sister, husband and friends we agreed to just stop.

It is less stressful and my friends and I always go out for a Christmas boozy afternoon tea instead.

GoblinSharts · 16/08/2018 09:31

Yep we did a few years of secret Santa as a family then decided not to bother even with that and just buy for kids.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 16/08/2018 09:32

DH's family very much favour quantity over quality or thoughtfulness when it comes to present buying, the amount of tat is obscene. A couple of years ago DH suggested we just buy for children or do secret santa/set a £5 limit for adults...oh my god, the drama! MIL cried and SIL accused him of "trying to ruin Christmas" Hmm

So I continue to accumulate a cupboard full of Bayliss & Harding toiletry sets every year that will later be donated to the preschool tombola and DH has a drawer full of hilarious novelty socks and ties that he'll never wear.

arranfan · 16/08/2018 09:35

YANBU. I stopped presents for adults approx. 25 years ago - I had some mardiness at first but then everybody understood what a relief it was not to have to do this.

ionising · 16/08/2018 09:46

BigBlueBubble

some of them didn't have a lot of money and it was nearly their only chance for nice stuff
I don’t understand this. If you have £50 and Secret Santa costs £50 then you get a £50 gift. If SS costs £5 then you have £45 left to spend on yourself so you still get £50 worth of stuff?

Agree with this. Also if no ss then they are spending hundreds on all of their family and receiving stuff back that they probably wouldn’t buy.

I would rather just buy my own stuff. I don’t mind if I have nothing to open on Christmas morning as long as my dd has something.

Overthinkingagain · 16/08/2018 10:09

We agreed to only give kids and parents's gifts (only dm and dsm left now though), I've got 4 sibs n DH has 3 all with partners so its impossible, plus there's all the cousins DH is close to so we all agreed a few years ago not to get anything for each other, we get together a few times over xmas instead and bring food to share, far more fun. We all give each other Christmas cards but these are the only ones we give cards to.
Have the conversation with your family, I'm sure they'll agree. We have a quick check in to make sure everyone agrees still though.

Wishing4Autumn · 16/08/2018 12:49

My advice would be to trim back over a period of years otherwise some people just throw their toys out of the pram. That said, it doesn't happen without pissing people off.

We have family members that expect massive presents. We tried to go cold turkey and there was a falling out so I did it a different way. I started by reducing the budget by £10 a year. Then we avoided conversations where we were told what to buy. Now I just buy vouchers and everyone can put it towards what they want and I don't buy any extras e.g. chocs, small stocking filler. Sounds mean but every Christmas I am the person who thinks of everyone and I am the one who never receives a gift off anyone. Sounds childish but I am sick of it. I now buy vouchers and refuse to spend any time schlepping around shops for others unless it is my DC or DH.

Do it gradually if they push back. WRT cards go cold turkey. I did last year and expect to get none this year.

Original poster
Alldaylong1 · 16/08/2018 14:21

A lot of consensus here, thanks all. I just need to find the right way to broach it. We have some of the complexities mentioned in that some people don't have partners or children, and some hand make gifts and obviously enjoy doing this, so to just say no we are not participating at all would be very difficult. I suspect a gradual scaling back might have to be the way to go, or SS, if they will go for it! Fingers crossed. I would love a relaxing run up to xmas and not to have to budget hundreds and hundreds of pounds to cover it- not what we need right now!

OP posts:
LondonJax · 16/08/2018 14:55

My family only do presents for the children. It stopped quite a few years ago now. My sisters instigated it and sold it to me (didn't need much selling to be honest) by saying they'd rather each family spent the money they would have spent on others on a nice bottle of wine or an extra nice box of chocolates or a trip to the panto instead.

So that's what we do. We book a theatre trip to London and it's paid for by the money we save not buying for two sisters, their husbands and their now grown up kids.

Dh keeps meaning to mention it to his family but hasn't. However, I don't do their gift shopping so I just watch the panic set in. He's a grown up, he can handle it or he can go the same way as my family do.

BarbedBloom · 16/08/2018 15:28

We buy for my brother because he doesn’t have a partner and otherwise wouldn’t have anything to open. We have him here for Xmas so he isn’t alone and I would feel awful if he watched me and DH opening things and had nothing. It is the same with MIL, she is a widow and other than us, no one gets her anything and I like her to know we appreciate her and make her smile.

We do buy for some friends and other family too but there aren’t that many people to get for and I really enjoy it. This year will be hard though as it will be the first time I haven’t bought for any grandparents as they are all gone now.

If people find it a chore then a secret Santa could be fun because you get to spend time picking something. The difficulty is when others don’t agree and then the only option is to say you are opting out.

louella99 · 16/08/2018 15:59

I've got a large family on one side and like PPs have said, as the generations increased it was getting absurd. We now do a not-secret Santa with a budget of 20/30 pounds. So I'll have an aunty to buy for, and I'll have a cousin buying for me. It's so much nicer to just focus on buying one thing the person will really love! And it's nice to just get one thing.

I'm forever trying to declutter and simplify my house.. presents that people have bought over the years just for the sake of it seem to be half the problem.

Confusedbeetle · 16/08/2018 16:03

Its so easy you just ring up the siblings and suggest present giving for under 18s only and spec cases, like old people, Maybe Mums and Dads, Siblings should be first off the list and are usually pleased someone else suggested it. Bite the bullet. Also Cards, only for people who would get real pleasure from them Not long since contact people, people you see to wish Happy Crimble. Get tough save money and hassle

WhipItGood · 16/08/2018 16:18

I do wish I could do this for our parents and older family members. There is really nothing they need or want any more. I struggle hugely to come up with ideas and have done for years for them.

But dh and I have rarely done presents for each other over the years and Id like to. It’s just that by the time we’ve covered everything else there’s not much left in the budget to justify buying for each other.

I really think I’m going to say it’s just going to be something more of a token gift this year. What I don’t understand is why they haven’t ever suggested it Hmm. I’m sure I will say something along those lines to my dc as they grow up. Especially once they have their own dc.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/08/2018 16:26

We don't bother with presents now.
The sisters used to do a secret santa.
So I'd pull names and tell each who they were buying for.
But that stopped 2 years ago.
There's just no point to it.
We will give money to the nieces and nephews but that will stop this year as well.

So just my DD and mum and dad to buy for - hurrahhhh....!

BubblesBubblesBubbles · 16/08/2018 16:40

Yanbu

We do cash, so each sibling gets £20/30 that way they can get what they want. And no unnecessary spending.

My kids get given money into their isa’s Honestly they get so much they don’t need anything.

I’ve stopped buying for friends and their kids we normally go to breakfast the week before with all the kids.

Dh and I set a budget around £100/150 and buy what each other wants.

My parents get a joint gift from us children - so maybe £20 each.

Ginseng1 · 16/08/2018 16:41

We only buy nieces nephews n our parents.even that would love to cut out (not the parent - the nieces n nephews) last Christmas I brought 4 of them to the Cinema as their present. Never got into it with friends thank goodness!! Id always buy something for my mother n dh parents as they v good to us. My mil is cracked for buying presents she's one of those people who won't stop for friends etc even tho friends have suggested it (as they clearly sick of it!). Madness.

CookPassBabtridge · 16/08/2018 16:44

We only buy for kids now, Christmas is so much less stressful.

Elementtree · 16/08/2018 16:53

I'm so bored of Christmas and it seems an insult to injury that it's so costly and labour intensive.

CaveyLass · 16/08/2018 16:56

If anybody is finding it difficult to find a reason not to buy tat, just say you’re doing it for eco reasons. Suitably vague and a worthwhile excuse. Relatives can’t really argue against that.

I absolutely hate xmas, partly due to the present stress in the past. Thankfully, we don’t have extended family as pils are dead and sil doesn’t visit as she’s busy, so the pressure is off.

Me and dh just buy each other some chocolate and a bottle of something and the dcs are teens so are happy with money and a couple of parcels. We’re not doing stockings anymore.

Xmas can do one as far as I’m concerned. It’s just become an exercise in pointless consumerism and it’s repetitive and boring. The thought of having hysterical relatives who end up crying over a no present rule is just infuriating and would totally make me give them an oxfam goat.

Just say no, it’s not difficult and how they choose react is up to them. Just tell people early - email and a text - in case they start whining that they’ve already bought stuff.

CaveyLass · 16/08/2018 17:00

And don’t forget there’s a xmas support thread in Relationships that people started earlier in the year for those of us who don’t like it and find it too stressful Smile

Pashazade · 16/08/2018 17:04

We do SS too with my husbands family, one of SIL's organises. So everyone over the age of 18. £40 per head, vouchers are permissible. Saves sooo much stress.

rainbowlou · 16/08/2018 17:19

Due to financial issues we opted out a few years ago, and asked everyone to crack on and do their own thing but leave us out.
We felt awful when family turned up with presents for us all anyway 😩
We suggested secret santa but my sibkigs weren’t happy as it meant they got less presents Shock
No idea what we will do this year, I’m dreading it already.