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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to scale back, or even cancel, gift giving this xmas?

158 replies

Alldaylong1 · 15/08/2018 15:53

Not for the children obviously, I am thinking more siblings and their partners? My DH and I have large families and each year it is a mammoth task to think of and buy all the presents. The piles of gifts is obscene. I have tried to suggest scaling back and secret santa in the past but as it approaches everyone seems to cave and start buying. I know it's only August Blush, but realistically I would be sensible to start thinking about gifts in September if we are doing the usual affair.

I would genuinely love to just spend money on good food and enjoy each other's company, watch the kids open gifts etc, and be free of all the stress.

AIBU? If not, how can I suggest this without seeming mean? because I do love giving, for families birthdays I put a lot of thought and time in. Xmas though, it just turns into panic buying and ticking off names on the list.

OP posts:
Sailinghappy · 16/08/2018 17:27

I know what you mean @rainbowlou ! I’m pregnant with my second and can’t be bothered to buy for all siblings and extended family to be honest - would rather give to my children! I tried suggesting Secret Santa last year but I have one single sibling without any children who refused this idea as no one else to exchange with. So we are all stuck buying masses of presents!! Can’t suggest only buying for children for the same reason 😔

tiktok · 16/08/2018 19:06

About 15 years ago I told siblings and partners we’d not be buying presents for adults anymore. They still bought - but I did not feel at all bad because I had told them I was not buying them anything. It took about 10 years for them to completely stop. We all agree that once the kids in the family reach 18, then presents stop.

Dh and I buy for each other - well, we tell each other what we want, and there is usually a smal surprise in addition.

tentative3 · 16/08/2018 19:08

I like secret santa but for a decent amount, or if you want to keep it token then consumables only. I can't stand secret santa for a fiver where everyone just gets utter shit from poundland. It's completely pointless.

BackInTime · 16/08/2018 19:37

The thought of having hysterical relatives who end up crying over a no present rule is just infuriating and would totally make me give them an oxfam goat.

Love this Grin am making a note of the goat idea for a particular relative

herecomesthsun · 16/08/2018 20:09

We got an Oxfam goat as a wedding present. It was less fun than say, the Montezuma chocolate hamper, though it is indeed a good cause.

Disfordarkchocolate · 16/08/2018 20:15

My well off sister once got my children Oxfam gifts, we were really broke that year and could have done with actual gifts. Sure she felt all warm and worthy though.

Everyoneiswingingit · 16/08/2018 20:41

With DH's family we just do childrens' gifts. With mine we still do but keep it small=under £20 each. I would be happy to ditch this though.

Canuckduck · 16/08/2018 20:45

We have a large family and cut out gift giving for adults a few years ago. We had done secret Santa but to avoid presents that no one wanted we were giving very specific lists. In the end it just seemed silly and a waste of money. Now children open gifts and adults eat, drink and enjoy.

Everyoneiswingingit · 16/08/2018 20:46

I do recommend keeping it really simple and buy either consumables OR a gift card for a restaurant chain. You can buy the same for everyone in one shop. I know I'd rather have a bottle of something or a voucher for a meal or for Boots than something that's not going to be used. I know that's not the point of a gift but it's also a waste of their time and money.

OpalIridescence · 16/08/2018 21:09

I have 14 nieces and nephews, I don't see them alot and don't know what they are into.
I sent a family message out saying I wasn't buying presents any more and would be giving a set amount of money to them each on birthdays and Christmas.

I know a couple of people don't like it but trying to buy 14 presents for people I essentially don't know was a problem.

Quangot · 16/08/2018 21:45

What about the many people who don't happen to know anyone young? Maybe they live alone, are elderly with no grandchildren, are childless (by choice or not), have no contact with family, etc? Should they just be grateful to know there are other households where small children receive gifts?

Everyoneiswingingit · 16/08/2018 21:52

What do you mean Quangot?

WelcomeToShootingStars · 16/08/2018 21:53

I hate when people make the decision to just buy for children.

It means people like me have to go and buy a load of stuff and receive nothing.

Everyoneiswingingit · 16/08/2018 21:55

Welcome i really couldn't give a jot if I receive nothing. I care about spending time with family at Christmas, not a thought about what they get me.

bimbobaggins · 16/08/2018 21:59

Yes, it’s fab, but make sure you say sooner rather than later before people start their shopping

bimbobaggins · 16/08/2018 22:02

Also, don’t ask if people mind if you do it, just state that due to financial issues you are cutting back on gift.
I don’t understand how people say they are stuck with it, people can’t dictate how you choose to spend your money. They may not be happy but don’t give in

AvoidingDM · 16/08/2018 22:30

Go for it Op. Say you can't afford adult gifts and would rather concentrate your efforts on the kids.

I hate buying adults gifts. No adult I know actually needs anything.

We stopped adult sibling gifts about 3 years ago and it's just so much less stressful. We were buying for the sake of it. Not knowing if the gift was needed or wanted. We were giving vouchers and in turn we were getting stuff we didn't need or want. I hate the Boxing Day feeling putting stuff away thinking "I'll never use that" and putting it in the charity bag.

To the posters who mention family without children in those circumstances it would be mean to expect gifts for children and nothing in return. In that case I'd suggest the childless just buy the kids with them getting something in return.
It's still mean to expect a childless auntie to buy 4 gifts for two parents and two kids only to get one gift in return.

Oly5 · 16/08/2018 22:31

We buy for the kids and I think that’s right. Kids love xmas and all the gift-giving is a joy for them! But adults tend to buy what they want themselves

Themerrygoroundoflife · 16/08/2018 22:50

We did secret santa (presents for under 18s) and it was brilliant. We had a good budget but still less than buying for everyone. The whole run up to christmas was bliss. We should do it again...

BackforGood · 16/08/2018 23:22

WelcometoShootingSTars - people are talking about their own family circumstances.
I doubt most of us would expect and Aunt / Uncle to buy for several nieces and nephews and then not get anything for that couple. I think it is fair to assume people are looking at their own situations where each of their siblings have dc.

candyangel · 16/08/2018 23:29

anyone else panicking that they'r not ready for christmas lol?

GreenTulips · 17/08/2018 00:31

It means people like me have to go and buy a load of stuff and receive nothing

Not necessarily - the point is you no longer have to buy for several adults and therefore save that money and treat yourself to a more expensive gift.

An old aunt buys my kids things - so we buy her a gift
I have 3 and DSis has 3 and we never exchange presents
Other sister buys mine presents so we send her a gift
Other than that there's in DN in collage and appreciates money. She never buys gifts - which is fine - I'd rather she spent her limited money on a night out

ScattyCharly · 17/08/2018 00:39

You need to take a very hard line with this if you want to get to your desired position.

I would send emails/messsages saying that this year, you and DH have decided not to buy any adults Christmas presents due to the cost, stress and environmental impact so please would they not buy you and dh anything. Then say that you are looking forward to their company.

If you don’t be decisive then it will not work. I did it last year and it saved hours of messing about thinking of crap to buy adults, getting it, paying for it and wrapping it.

Ceara · 17/08/2018 08:33

"A couple of years ago DH suggested we just buy for children or do secret santa/set a £5 limit for adults...oh my god, the dramas!"

^^This. Except it was me who proposed it (to DH's family). The fallout was ghastly and continued for years, and they still all think I hate Christmas. So I definitely recommend that you and your DH each tackle your own families! That at least removes the avoidable dramas around "interfering in other people's family traditions" (sic).

Be prepared that people may not want to change the way they do things, and to be upset and offended by your suggestion that they should do things differently.

In the end, all you can do is "be the change" yourself. We eventually did what others have suggested upthread, and unilaterally told everyone the following year that we would be limiting presents to one per person in future, with the adults receiving only a very modest token, but we looked forward to spending time with people. I found it very hard (and still do) when exchanging presents, to feel that I wasn't reciprocating, as it's such a strong social convention to give reciprocal gifts.

However, as time has gone on I've noticed that all of DH's family are slowly changing their own habits and moving closer to what we do and talking positively about it as a good idea (now they've come to it for themselves) :-)

Seafoodeatit · 17/08/2018 10:37

YANBU, dh has finally agreed to suggest secret santa this year for family.

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