To want to scale back, or even cancel, gift giving this xmas?

[Alldaylong1]

Not for the children obviously, I am thinking more siblings and their partners? My DH and I have large families and each year it is a mammoth task to think of and buy all the presents. The piles of gifts is obscene. I have tried to suggest scaling back and secret santa in the past but as it approaches everyone seems to cave and start buying. I know it's only August , but realistically I would be sensible to start thinking about gifts in September if we are doing the usual affair.

I would genuinely love to just spend money on good food and enjoy each other's company, watch the kids open gifts etc, and be free of all the stress.

AIBU? If not, how can I suggest this without seeming mean? because I do love giving, for families birthdays I put a lot of thought and time in. Xmas though, it just turns into panic buying and ticking off names on the list.

We did this a while back so only buy for kids and set a £ limit of £20 per child my ds has 2 and I have 2, my sil1 has 2 and sil2 has 1 so I spend a little bit more on her as she has 1 iyswim

YANBU.

YANBU at all.

As to 'How?'
I would state that from this year forward, you are only giving to the dc (until the Christmas after they turn 21). The question is, does everyone want to just not get you and dh anything, and not receive from you, or would everyone prefer to join in an adult secret santa where you each draw the name of someone and only give (and receive) one gift each.
Just state it as those being the only 2 options, and give them the choice.
Christmas has been SO much better since we stopped buying for so many people.

Sure, generosity is good at any time of year. I do take that point and recall that soup kitchens have too few volunteers all year and far too many at Christmas! But greed and jaded materialism occur all the time too. Christmas can be a yearly wake-up call to a change of heart.

A frugal Christmas is fine, but when it occasionally comes to competitive non-spending it can get too worthy. Same with goats as a virtue-signal present which replaces someone else's present, not the "giver's" own.

It's hard to say no when someone suggests no gifts to adults. No-one wants to look greedy so everyone will say yes, of course.

I think it's like feast and fasting. A frugal lifestyle much of the time, but Christmas the day of plenty, food and celebrating, with gift-giving to one another a part of that if you wish.

I don't have too many people to buy for but when nobody wants anything it's a pain.

The last couple of years I've been asking for little bits and bobs that I would normally pick up if i needed them e.g hair dryer, chopping board, socks.
I tend to make up hampers for mine and dh parents coz they want nothing at all and I can pick up bits for it in with my weekly shop.

We do a secret santa and everyone pull's a name out of a bag.

We then write down four amounts on separate pieces of paper £5, £10, £15 and £20 and get one of the children to pull an amount out of a bag. Whatever amout gets pulled out is the absolute total of what we can spend on the gift.

Lastly, we put down the names of the people or household participating in the secret santa on separate pieces of paper and get a child to pull one out of the bag. Whoever gets pulled out is the person that hosts the Christmas get together (not Xmas day, just an excuse to meet up and have a drink and nibbles and exchange gifts ).

It's great and funny if u end up having to try and find a £5 gift

We have a 'cousin's party' each year, with 9 children present. We draw names around October, and each child gets one big gift at the Christmas party. DH and I are by far the poorest couple of the group, and it's so much easier for us financially this way, as we only have one DS. We would otherwise be buying 8 gifts...

No adult gifts. I still buy separately for my niece and nephew, and a shared gift for DB and DSIL.

Just to add, we've already done the kids Christmas shop, because here in Oz, my favourite toyshop had a 'Christmas in July' sale (20% off everything). Now we just to keep the loot safely hidden until December...

Yep do it- so much easier.

I agree with those saying organise it now. You know your family best so work out the best approach eg one on one chats with a couple, get them to agree and then talk to everyone else. Tell them that you are happy to do a secret Santa draw, cone up with a limit that you think will work for your family and go for it.
We even do it with our kids, they love trying to guess who is buying for who and choosing a great present.

Another post for Secret Santa, always good fun £10 limit, and we seem to always get really inspired gifts, more thought seems to go into them, maybe it's as we are only buying for 1 on a budget, rather than the masses and getting things as we have to, esp when as adults it get harder to buy for people.

We cut down our spend once we had our baby but we generally kept buying for the same people as our family is pretty small. I think I’ll always get something for nieces and nephews but we’re only ever likely to have 4. Where I did draw the line through was cousin’s kids. I felt bad as one of my cousins kept buying for us and my child but if we reciprocated we’d have had to do the same on the other side and suddenly there would have been 8 kids to buy for that we barely see. Thankfully she’s stopped now.

Absolutely right, OP. I have suggested just presents for the kids, but mil insists, presents for everyone. So every year most people get novelty toys for adults, type rubbish, or things that no one will ever use. Such a waste of money.

Last year on my family side we agreed to not spend money on each other's gifts (ie make something or donate to a charity) and we loved it. I got some seeds and cuttings I'd wanted for our garden from my parents' garden.

I really appreciated the change partly as financially I hate how much debt people can get into over Christmas and buying things literally for the sake of it; but also as my in-laws are completely the opposite end of the spectrum. Last Christmas I counted 32 presents for our DN from her grandparents alone, it was so overwhelming to watch and the child got bored opening so many!! 🙈

We buy for parents and nieces/nephews (no grandparents) with a £25 limit. For siblings (3 plus husbands) we set a £15 limit each.

It’s nice to have a few little gifts to open on Christmas morning and you can get something really nice for that. last year I got a cookery book I wanted, an urban decay eyeliner and some Liz Earle cleanser. Stuff that doesn’t cost a huge amount but that I wouldn’t necessarily buy for myself.

My group of girlfriends, we have a lunch out every December and do secret Santa.

I actually enjoy the present shopping in the run up to Christmas and always book a day off with my best friend to do it. Mind you, most of it is bought on line and it’s really just an excuse to go for lunch and drinks!

We do secret Santa for OHs very large family. £30 limit. Everyone gets to pick a gift they’d like and then we pick names out of a hat and you are responsible for buying and wrapping the gift for the person you choose.
So it’s not a surprise as such but everyone gets something they definitely want so there’s no waste.
Then all the adults put about £5 into a pot and that gets divided amongst the children and they too get one present each from the family.
Obviously each individual family also buys the children and their partners gifts as they please.

I actually find the thought of buying a £5 secret Santa way more stressful than anything else! I hate it, we do it at work and it’s so hard to actually buy something so everyone ends up buying crap, ‘funny’ gifts that aren’t actually funny at all and end up in the back of the cupboard or down the charity shop (so someone can buy it the year after for a secret Santa gift probably

We do secret Santa on one side (with a low price limit), and no gifts on the other side. I love it!
If you’re receiving rubbish gifts I’d suggest changing to no gifts at all.
I don’t buy much for my dcs (and order online the first week of Dec) so the whole period is completely stress free.

Another secret Santa vote and there's a website/app! Called elfster. Set up and send links to everyone by email or Facebook. Then once everyone signed up the app sends out who everyone has got to buy for.
Also can set a price limit so everyone knows what to spend and can add wishlist to drop hints to person buying. We have used it for years with hubbys family and it is so easy.

I so wish my family would do this. The spending and waste at Christmas makes me so uncomfortable. But they love it.

I actually find the thought of buying a £5 secret Santa way more stressful than anything else! I hate it, we do it at work and it’s so hard to actually buy something so everyone ends up buying crap, ‘funny’ gifts that aren’t actually funny at all and end up in the back of the cupboard or down the charity shop (so someone can buy it the year after for a secret Santa gift probably

Very true. A cheap joke-y present can me more wasteful than a more expensive one that will actually get used.

It's a minefield.

It's a good idea but when we first started doing SS we were taken aside by mil and reminded that some people didn't have partners and children and looked forward to christmas gifts, both buying and receiving and deserved to get them and I felt a little bad cos she was right. When we started doing SS we were told that the limit needed to be upped (we used the same one as my family use) as some of them didn't have a lot of money and it was nearly their only chance for nice stuff. We've fine tuned it over the years as the couples end up shelling out a lot but we always have fun. I would tell them now though, there's going to be some people who start buying now!

For the work secret Santa I refuse to waste a penny on shit tat, and I always get the person an actual voucher for a popular shop so at least this can contribute to them getting something they actually want.

My gift giving list is this
Kids
Dh
Nephew
Nice
Best friend
Her child

That is all

I think if you want to change things up you have to be prepared to say very clearly what you are doing or not doing I suppose, and then stick to it. You don't require family or friends permission to stop buying gifts but you should definitely tell everyone that you're not doing it (probably in September as lots of people start their gift shopping quite early).

Often there will be some who still go ahead and buy for you and yours but this is the point where you have to stand firm! No wibbling the following year because "Ooh Bil and SIL got gifts for us last year and we felt sooo awkward" . As long as you've been clear that you no longer intend to do gifts and that others shouldn't buy for you then whatever others do is their own business. You'll find that if you stick to your guns they'll probably stop too.

I enjoy Christmas but I couldn't cope with buying for 15 people on this side and 12 on that side. Never mind the cost, the time spent and the stress would finish me off .

I’d prefer to stop receiving gifts too. SIL has no taste and wastes money on stuff that we just take straight to the charity shop. MIL isn’t quite as bad but still sometimes buys rubbish. If they spend £50 on each of us there’s £200 wasted! It’s especially annoying because we don’t have much money and there is actually stuff that we’d like but can’t afford.