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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to scale back, or even cancel, gift giving this xmas?

158 replies

Alldaylong1 · 15/08/2018 15:53

Not for the children obviously, I am thinking more siblings and their partners? My DH and I have large families and each year it is a mammoth task to think of and buy all the presents. The piles of gifts is obscene. I have tried to suggest scaling back and secret santa in the past but as it approaches everyone seems to cave and start buying. I know it's only August Blush, but realistically I would be sensible to start thinking about gifts in September if we are doing the usual affair.

I would genuinely love to just spend money on good food and enjoy each other's company, watch the kids open gifts etc, and be free of all the stress.

AIBU? If not, how can I suggest this without seeming mean? because I do love giving, for families birthdays I put a lot of thought and time in. Xmas though, it just turns into panic buying and ticking off names on the list.

OP posts:
PrincessConsuelaBananahamm0ck · 15/08/2018 17:25

We stopped about three years ago. We buy for children in the family and our respective parents. Sometimes a token gift for our elderly grandparents too - that's usually chocolates/biscuits/a dvd you think they'd enjoy. My husband has 3 siblings and stopping buying for them and their partners has made Christmas so much less wasteful and stressy. Last year, we agreed with my brother and his partner that instead of presents we'd go out for a swanky dinner all togetherin January. Worked really well.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 15/08/2018 17:28

I totally get how you feel ..it is beyond ridiculous in our house...my family consists of 2 children and 2 adults whom I buy for...so no real stress there yet on my husbands side there is 17 to buy for and believe me when I say they expect it...dont recipricate but they expect it,,every year I get ore and more wound up not only with the sheer expense but with never a thank you and a crappy pound shop present in return...i do wish it could all stop...They are ungrateful and demanding and selfish and mean but each year I am expected to grit my teeth and get on with it..its the bane of my life! phew! I feel so much better getting that off my chest!

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 15/08/2018 17:31

We do that.

Chrysalis7 · 15/08/2018 17:34

YANBU obvs. It's crazy.

My BFF aged 51, has 3 brothers and 2 sisters, (all older, so like 54 to 65,) and about 10 nephews and nieces who are all in their 20's and 30's, and most of THEM have had kids now.... about 10 or 12 so far between them! So it's batshit. So many kids.... And once one generation start to get to adult age, another generation pops along!!!

Her DH has 5 sisters too, and 18 nieces and nephews! (All sisters are 50-65, and the nieces and nephews in their 30's and 40's, and another load of kids have sprung from them too!!)

She (and her DH) has had to say to them ALL (3 or 4 years ago,) that she needs to stop, as it's too much. Especially as they have 3 kids themselves aged between 28 and 18, who are also starting to have kids.

I think you need to only buy for

Parents.
Children.
Grandparents.
Partner/spouse
Several friends.

When it starts gravitating to siblings, and their partners, and their kids, and also aunts and cousins and uncles and so on, it gets out of hand!

Maryann1975 · 15/08/2018 17:34

More and more people are coming round to this way of thinking and I think it’s brilliant. I’m a bit of a humbug about Christmas - I have no problem buying decent presents, when someone genuinely wants something, but the all out consumerism really grates on me. The buying for the sake of buying stuff.
Everything in our homes will eventually end up in landfill. How much unnecessary stuff do we own and where is it eventually going to go. (This became far more real to me when we cleared my grandparents house a couple of years ago, they weren’t into stuff at all and still, the amount of tip runs, charity shop donations and skips filled was massive).
So, Yanbu to not buy presents or people if you don’t want to.

Flaskfan · 15/08/2018 17:34

Just kids here. Dh and I spend a tenner each on.each other.

TittyGolightly · 15/08/2018 17:36

on my husbands side there is 17 to buy for and believe me when I say they expect it...dont recipricate but they expect it,,every year I get ore and more wound up not only with the sheer expense but with never a thank you and a crappy pound shop present in return...i do wish it could all stop...

It can. Just stop doing it.

They are ungrateful and demanding and selfish and mean but each year I am expected to grit my teeth and get on with it..its the bane of my life! phew! I feel so much better getting that off my chest!

Why are you expected to do it? It’s your husband’s family. If he wants to buy for people that are rude, ungrateful and demanding let him do it!

IceCreamFace · 15/08/2018 17:36

YANBU. I hate the amount of waste that goes on at christmas. I like giving gifts to close family but don't like the piles of plastic stuff we all have to cart about and find a place for. Secret santa is fun. I\d go for that!

TittyGolightly · 15/08/2018 17:37

More and more people are coming round to this way of thinking and I think it’s brilliant. I’m a bit of a humbug about Christmas - I have no problem buying decent presents, when someone genuinely wants something, but the all out consumerism really grates on me. The buying for the sake of buying stuff.

Me too. When I was bought a CD of “housework songs” by PIL because MIL “didn’t know what to get me” it had to stop.

Ohyesiam · 15/08/2018 17:38

Just tell them you hate the waste and the stress, that’s not mean.

We did a £5 limit once, and we’ve done secret Santa, works well.

Jaxhog · 15/08/2018 17:40

We tried Secret Santa in our family, and it was a disaster. Unfortunately, some people just bought (or recycled?) some old tat. We've gone back to buying jokey/token presents.

I think buying for kids is fine, unless that means the same relatives end up with just spending a ton of money and getting nothing back. Not even a card.

chuckiecheese · 15/08/2018 17:41

In my family once you have children you no longer get a present just your children Smile

I would tell people what/who you are happy to buy for, you are giving enough notice, and then do it. Grin

longtompot · 15/08/2018 17:41

We do secret santa. It saves loads of money and time, plus stops getting naff presents from your bil who has no idea. When the kids turn 18, they also join in.

Tartyflette · 15/08/2018 17:45

I would love to do this - in fact I have suggested it a couple of times now and my (lovely) DB and DSIL agree but go ahead and buy us very nice but somewhat extravagant gifts anyway.
It's not that money is a problem for us, it's the researching, sourcing and buying of nice things for them too. so that we're not hideously embarassed

I don't believe any of us actually want or needs these things, nice though they are, and the OTT consumerism is starting to get to me .
I'm seriously thinking of not doing Christmas at all this year. Perhaps just a present for grown-up DS and GF. And DH. Possibly. Shit, you can see how quickly it gets out of hand. Grin

MatildaTheCat · 15/08/2018 17:46

We mostly don’t do any adult gifts which is fabulous. One year we did a secret Santa when everyone had a £15 limit but had to buy from a charity shop. That was brilliant fun and the recipient then had to guess who had bought their gift. There was much hilarity.

Corgi trouser press anyone? Grin

OpalIridescence · 15/08/2018 17:48

We have a huge family and now only buy for children and then we do a secret santa for the adults.

For my friends kids we stopped exchanging presents and instead pay to go out together to somewhere like the theatre (we pay for their tickets and they pay for ours).
No buying and receiving of crap and the kids get to see each other and do something special.

I enjoy Christmas alot more now I'm not buying loads of gifts that aren't really wanted or needed.

Quangot · 15/08/2018 17:52

I enjoy giving gifts to adults as well as children. Consumables are good, non-cluttering and don't need to be expensive.

Christmas is for everyone who wishes to celebrate it IMO. Children often enjoy it enormously and it's often a magical time for families. However, I think it is also about sending a bottle of wine to a friend, a card and some biscuits to Grandma who has just come out of hospital, a handwritten babysitting voucher for your cousin who rarely gets time out, or something for a friend suffering infertility who is constantly being told "it's all about the children" etc.

I totally agree that Christmas is associated with indulgent materialism. However, presents can be thoughtful but not expensive. It definitely doesn't have to be about plastic tat or spending loads. More about a demonstration of kindness in some way, which can include giving a gift to someone.

TittyGolightly · 15/08/2018 18:06

However, I think it is also about sending a bottle of wine to a friend, a card and some biscuits to Grandma who has just come out of hospital, a handwritten babysitting voucher for your cousin who rarely gets time out, or something for a friend suffering infertility who is constantly being told "it's all about the children" etc.

More about a demonstration of kindness in some way, which can include giving a gift to someone

None of that needs to be restricted to late December though. We do that throughout the year.

SnuggyBuggy · 15/08/2018 18:09

Matilda, I've done a charity shop challenge too. Might suggest that again this year.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 15/08/2018 18:10

Yanbu.

We give gifts to the children in the family and do "food gifts"/ consumables for adults.

So much more relaxing and people don't end up with "stuff" they don't need.

mrsfeatherbottom · 15/08/2018 18:16

We came to an agreement with DH's Sister and BIL a few years ago to not by for each other (stuff we didn't need) and instead, in about February time we go out for a really nice meal. We still buy for each other's kids but there are only 2 in each family.

Eliza9917 · 15/08/2018 20:02

We've been doing secret Santa for the adults for the last few years. We all buy for the kids and my mum though. so much better now!

Dp's family don't do it though (yet Grin ).

Liadan · 15/08/2018 21:55

We do secret Santa for adults and kids. Budget of 50 euro so everyone gets one decent present. Santa comes to the kids so they get more than enough.. I hate the idea of people wasting their money to buy me things I neither need nor want.

Liadan · 15/08/2018 21:56

Myself and my husband don't bother with presents either, we put the money towards a night away which is much more appreciated.

BikeRunSki · 15/08/2018 21:57

About 5 years ago my family agreed just to give gifts to children. Seems to work for everyone.