To tell MIL about DD's surgery

[Oysterbabe]

MIL has anxiety. She worries about most things but the health of her grandchildren is a big trigger. Once DD was sick while we were visiting her and MIL didn't sleep at all, just led awake crying and panicking that she had something serious. DH and FIL deal with this by shielding her as much as possible from anything that might cause anxiety. If one of the kids has so much as a temperature we aren't allowed to mention it.

We found out that DD has a small hole in her heart when she was 5 days old. DH decided not to tell MIL as the hole caused no issues and it was expected that they'd just monitor it as she grows up and no treatment would be required. DD is now 2.8 years. She had a routine scan a few months ago and the hole is now causing a valve to leak and it needs to be closed. She is having open heart surgery in 3 weeks.

FIL and DH don't want to tell MIL about the surgery until after she has had it and is out of intensive care and out of danger. I feel that this is ridiculous and that MIL should know that her much loved grandchild is having major surgery. All of us are anxious and terrified, that's inevitable. MIL is a grown woman who is being treated like a child.

I won't tell her if they don't agree, and I don't think they will. But isn't that crazy? If you have anxiety, would you prefer not to know? DD is only 2 but she's bright and articulate. I'm going to start talking to her about the surgery very soon so there's a risk that she'll just tell MIL herself at this rate!

I'd want to know.

I think the focus has to be on making your daughter secure. You need to tell her about the surgery and for her to be free to talk about. So, you neither need to tell you MIL or keep you daughter away from her till the surgery. Take care.

You have enough on your plate without having this to worry about too.

I would likely tell her, but stipulate that she is not to rely on you to make her feel better and she is not to discuss it with dd. She needs to keep her anxiety under wraps around you and she needs to find a friend or other family member to vent at.

Her role in this is to support you and your dh, yours is to support your dd.

Hope all goes well op

I think for me the problem is that by your DH and FIL focusing on your MIL, it may be to the detriment of your DD and you. Your DD needs to understand what's going on, and needs to be able to talk about it freely, she should have to be told not to talk about it around MIL.

Also it's you and your DH who needs the support here, you don't need your energy being diverted away from your DD to deal with an anxious MIL.

I also think MIL needs to discuss this with a doctor, this isn't normal.

Sorry, she shouldn't have to be told not to talk about it

Agree with buzz

Tell her yes. But you will not tolerate any tears and tantrums with her likely to occur. She needs to deal with those behind closed doors away from you DD and you. That added pressure is not appropriate.

By all means reassure and discuss opening about the procedure but the main focus must and should be your daughter.

Whilst anxiety is terrible not everything can be hidden from her. How will she learn to deal with it if she’s not exposed to pressures? That’s life unfortunately.

Big hugs x

I wouldn’t tell her.

You have previous experience of her reacting badly to a mild health incident. You have three weeks until the op, during which time she could send you crazy with questions and worries. Her husband and her son both think she shouldn’t be told - they know her better than you do.

Don’t deliberately invite a situation where there’s any possibility at all she could take your focus away from your DD.

So full of typos. Sorry!!

Your DH and FIL are enabling your MILs anxiety. Does she seek any help for it at all?

It isn't a good idea to encourage your DD to keep secrets at her age which invariably is what you would have to do in order to avoid her mentioning it to MIL.

My MIL is similar to an extent. She lost a child due to illness and always fears the worst, my OH can find it suffocating at times.

However, I've found when we keep her in the loop, give her lots of information she still worries but also feels she has some control. I think she'd want to know and I don't think withholding any facts would help.

I wouldn't tell her either. Her husband and son know her better than anyone and they think it's a bad idea. That would be enough for me. If she doesn't know she can't stress you or your daughter.

My mum is like this and I have learned not to tell her anything serious. It's a shame but it works better this way.

Well that's up to them not to tell her. Id go with that, they know her best. But they need to be aware DD may mention it herself.

I wouldn't tell her until afterwards. What on earth would it achieve? Nothing, and she would clearly be caused enormous distress. Just don't give MIL a second thought these 3 weeks, you have much more important things to concentrate on.

My MIL is a bit like this. The easy option would be not to mention the surgery BUT it would also destroy any trust because your MIL would know that you (not just you, the whole family) had hidden the information. How would she ever be able to trust you all again to tell her anything important.

Thanks all, I thought it would be mixed responses.

You're right that her husband and son know her best. How is she going to feel when they do tell her though? Pretty angry I'd have thought.

Also on a selfish note, we could really do with her help. We have an 8 month old too and he isn't allowed into PICU or HDU, so we won't be able to take him to the hospital for about 4 days if things go smoothly. One of us will be sitting with her all night then swapping so the other can be with her in the day. We don't have anyone else to watch the 8 month old and it would make things a lot easier for us if she could take him for a few hours so whoever did the nightshift can get some rest. We'll cope, we'll have to, but it makes things more difficult.

Tricky one....

The concern I'd have will telling her is that if her anxiety is that bad your exacerbating an already stressful situation in potentially having to deal with MlL (for your FIL and DH particularly) as well as reassuring your DD.

If she's likely to react as badly as you say then she can't possibly see your DD prior to the operation and that could well make MIL's reaction worse still.

In all honesty the issue is that everyone's tiptoed round this over relatively minor issues, meaning that now your options are very limited. Personally I think she should have been taken to the Doctors when the last event occurred and treatment sought as her reaction is far from normal (I'm also assuming the anxiety is real, rather than a result of narcissistic traits and attention stealing).

On balance I wouldn't tell her but that also has to mean that she can't spend time with MIL (and DH and FIL need to agree to that).

You have to be able to talk freely with DD and she she needs to be able to discuss it when and where she likes - with people who can answer questions calmly and in a supportive way.

You can't risk DD saying something to MIL and her having a full on meltdown in front of your child - and if that means MIL not seeing DD for a few weeks then sadly that's what has to happen.

Your DD's welfare is the priority here and you can't risk any undue transference of anxiety from MIL.

In my experience it’s always better to be honest - open heart surgery is a big deal and you’re going to want help and support, which might be difficult if you’re constantly worrying about who knows what and is someone going to let it slip to your MIL.

Read up on the ‘Ring theory’ - it’s a theory that was put forward by psychologists in US about how to support people in a crisis. Do you think there is anyone in an ‘outer circle’ (in addition to FIL) who could be her sounding board and support her? You are in an inner circle and need her support or at least shouldn’t have to worry about her.

(None of that will make sense without knowing Ring Theory but it’s such a great concept about how to support anyone!)

If you tell her you'll most likely have her calling round or on the phone in tears and getting very anxious. If she couldn't sleep when DD was sick imagine what she will be like if she knows she's having an operation?

Why would you add that stress on to yourself?

Concentrate on DD, get her through the operation and then tell. That's what I would do.

Why is MIL so anxious about DD? Has she lost a child herself?

articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

Link to ring theory.

Ah just seen your update.

If I was your mil I'd want to know. If i was your dh I wouldn't want to tell her.

So I'd probably leave them to it, but making it very clear that dd will not be told to keep this a secret, or told off or sshed for talking about it, so do they have a plan about how to keep her away from mil?

Thank you Wombling! I kept getting google links and wasn’t sure if they’d work.

I'd tell her.

Can you imagine how anxious she is going to be after this? She'll be constantly asking questions about the children and she'll never believe that they are ok.

I think they mean well, but your FIL and DH are in danger of handling this very badly imo. Tell her, and she'll be anxious - of course she will - but she'll deal with it.

And from what you've said you could do with her help, which should be the focus - it's best for your DD if you and your DH have all hands on deck to help you out so you can focus on her.

How about a compromise? FIL tells MIL about the surgery on the morning of the operation, you'll be at the hospital with DD, FIL can manage MIL but she doesn't have days of worrying before hand.