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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell MIL about DD's surgery

132 replies

Oysterbabe · 15/08/2018 14:44

MIL has anxiety. She worries about most things but the health of her grandchildren is a big trigger. Once DD was sick while we were visiting her and MIL didn't sleep at all, just led awake crying and panicking that she had something serious. DH and FIL deal with this by shielding her as much as possible from anything that might cause anxiety. If one of the kids has so much as a temperature we aren't allowed to mention it.

We found out that DD has a small hole in her heart when she was 5 days old. DH decided not to tell MIL as the hole caused no issues and it was expected that they'd just monitor it as she grows up and no treatment would be required. DD is now 2.8 years. She had a routine scan a few months ago and the hole is now causing a valve to leak and it needs to be closed. She is having open heart surgery in 3 weeks.

FIL and DH don't want to tell MIL about the surgery until after she has had it and is out of intensive care and out of danger. I feel that this is ridiculous and that MIL should know that her much loved grandchild is having major surgery. All of us are anxious and terrified, that's inevitable. MIL is a grown woman who is being treated like a child.

I won't tell her if they don't agree, and I don't think they will. But isn't that crazy? If you have anxiety, would you prefer not to know? DD is only 2 but she's bright and articulate. I'm going to start talking to her about the surgery very soon so there's a risk that she'll just tell MIL herself at this rate!

OP posts:

iamawoman · 15/08/2018 15:21

Very tricky, maybe you need to tell her but only a couple of days before to reduce the time she can offload her anxiety onto everyone else. You cant win in this situation either way, if you dont tell her, i imagine it wouldnt go down very well if she found out about it from other sources, if you do tell her, you are all going to have to manage her behaviour which is the last thing you need. If it is this bad, she really needs to be seeking help which is maybe something your FIL and husband need to be encouraging her to do, as it wont be very pleasant for your daughter to have sleepovers/time with granny if she is liable to have a major meltdown over everyday childhood ailments

mrjoepike · 15/08/2018 15:22

first priority here is your daughter second are you,dh and other child.

as an aside i know 2 children who have had this surgury.the girl is 19 and on her way to university tomorrow.the boy is 14 and within months of the surgury(age 3) he was up and going full bore,hes a goalie in football/soccer now.
take care of yourself.do you have a physician who can talk to the mil.since you do need her help.sometimes its easier for a nonfamily member to get a point across.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/08/2018 15:22

I’ve seen your update. I was all for saying not to tell her as she’d lean on you.

Is your fil good at looking after your 8 mo? Will your mil be capable of looking after your baby during that time? My concern is you’d tell her and still not have any childcare iyswim.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/08/2018 15:24

How about a compromise? FIL tells MIL about the surgery on the morning of the operation, you'll be at the hospital with DD, FIL can manage MIL but she doesn't have days of worrying before hand

That sounds like a good idea, PILs could then help with the baby too.

Bluelady · 15/08/2018 15:25

If you're relying on her for childcare you could still tell her once the operation is over. She'll have plenty to occupy her with looking after the baby at that point and will also be able to see for herself that her granddaughter is OK.

It's all very well to say tell her, then tell her how to behave. You can't do that. Nobody can control someone else's behaviour and emotion.

AllAtHome · 15/08/2018 15:25

Considering everything, I’d tell her at the point she’s in surgery. Then she knows, but won’t add stress beforehand. You don’t necessarily need to go into all the facts is the operation.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 15/08/2018 15:25

I would get fil to tell her the night before the surgery so she hasn't had secrets held from her but the stress time is decreased. I would also get him to shield her from your family on the basis that you have enough stress to deal with, without her adding to it.
The plus side of this is that you will have a babysitter and looking after him will distract her.

3luckystars · 15/08/2018 15:26

I think you are going to have to tell her if you need her help.

I totally TOTALLY understand not telling a parent, (because I could not handle the stress of them on top of a sick child) but if you need her help and you think you can handle the stress of your MIL, then do what is right for you and your daughter.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 15/08/2018 15:26

And you could downplay there seriousness of the operation. "Just a little procedure to fix a problem. "Routine and nothing to be particularly worried about".

sexnotgender · 15/08/2018 15:27

Honestly I wouldn’t tell her.

I’ve been there done that with surgery with my daughter and your focus needs to be on her.

The last thing you need is to be dealing with your MiLs anxiety.

timeisnotaline · 15/08/2018 15:28

It doesn’t sound like you can rely on her for childcare once she’s been told anyway. Will she see your dd between now and op ie is your dd likely to talk about it? I wouldn’t want to shush dd.
I’ve never had anxiety but wonder if some posters are projecting a general ‘mil needs to know it’s not about her’ onto a sick woman, her reaction is definitely unbalanced and I’m sure she’d be calmer if she could. To what extent can she have her panic quietly without calling and intruding on yours and your dhs focus if you did tell her?

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/08/2018 15:28

I would try not to care if she’s angry or not for whatever you do she has brought it upon herself

WomblingWoman · 15/08/2018 15:29

RE: your update OP

If MIL is as bad as you say I'm not sure she's going to be in a fit state to look after your baby anyway whilst DD is recovering in hospital :-(

I can see why some posters are saying to tell her and saying to make clear she has to "control" herself around DD but if her anxiety is genuinely that bad I'm not sure that's something that's achievable. Telling her to "woman up" isn't going to cut it.

As such you end up in the worst position of MIL still not being able to help in any way and FIL (and likely your DH as well) facing weeks of of dealing with her in crisis mode. Imagine tearful phone calls begging to see DD and knowing you can't possibly risk that whilst also knowing it's making MIL worse....

The only suggestion would be for FIL to maybe see the GP and explain the situation and see what they advise. That way if when she reacts badly FIL already has a crisis plan in place - be that counselling/medication. I'd be tempted to do this regardless of whether you tell her or not.

viques · 15/08/2018 15:29

I would just like to say I hope it all goes well with your DD, very often children bounce back very fast after surgeries - much faster than adults , and since it is her heart she will be probably feeling a lot more energetic and lively afterwards since she will have been coping with a below par vascular system for so long.

No idea what to do about your mil, she will have to know eventually so at some point you will have to deal with that shit storm, but I understand that you don't want to have to shield your DD for it before the operation.

for you

for dd

viques · 15/08/2018 15:30

lots of it, for mil

MumW · 15/08/2018 15:31

Tricky one to call. I was probably leaning towards go with what DH and FIL want.
However, the trust thing is a really valid point.

Will MIL actually end up being even more anxious - every snifflle is something s3orse that you're hiding. Will not telling her this make it even more diffcult to reassure her in the future.

Sounds as though she needs some help/cbt to deal with her anxieties.

MumW · 15/08/2018 15:32

Worse!!!

Needsmorebeans · 15/08/2018 15:34

this is difficult. My MIL is like this and worries over everything so I avoid telling her detrimental to my dc health. I think however in this situation I would consider telling her. You need to discuss the surgery with DD and DD will likely mention it to MiL, plus you all need support when DD is recovering. Can you not pitch it in a more positive way to her, in a 'luckily due to fantastic screening in the NHS this has been picked up on and continually monitored. Now is the ideal time for surgery'? Best wishes to all of you and speedy recovery to your DD.

Bluelady · 15/08/2018 15:35

Thing is that if her husband and son are both saying don't tell her that's obviously the strategy they've used for years, if not decades. Presumably that hasn't yet eroded her trust in them.

Original poster

Oysterbabe · 15/08/2018 15:39

DH and FIL have tried to encourage her to seek help numerous times in the past but she refuses. I think pp are right that she will never trust us again after this and will probably always assume we are keeping big secrets from her. She is pretty good at putting on a brave face for people outside of the immediate family, I've actually never witnessed one of these episodes, but losing it completely the second they're gone. We are supposed to be staying with them the weekend before the surgery. I was thinking that DH could tell her then, seeing as that weekend is high risk for DD mentioning it anyway. But he's said he's not going to.
BIL has said he will come and look after DS on the day of the surgery so we can both be with DD as she goes into theatre but we're going to have to tagteam after then.

OP posts:

Ignoramusgiganticus · 15/08/2018 15:39

But it could be the reason her anxiety has increased - because sheknows they won't tell her.

JamTea · 15/08/2018 15:42

As you need help with childcare, if you told her on the day or day before the OP, would she be able to drop everything and help with childcare or no? If yes, I would leave it till the day before the OP. Or else, she is just going to worry sick and work herself up and will be in a state by the time it comes to the OP day and looking after your child. Will she be in an OK state to look after your child anyways?

At some point later on, perhaps get your husband to recommend to her to get help for her anxiety. Counselling/CBT may help.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 15/08/2018 15:43

Worse case. Your DD mentions something and then is caught in the crossfire of anxiety. She then gets very anxious herself...

Is that likely op?

PerspicaciaTick · 15/08/2018 15:44

Is there any reason why FIL can't look after the baby?

murmuration · 15/08/2018 15:46

If you tell her, I definitely wouldn't go with the right-before plan if you're hoping for help! She'll be in a massive state and no use whatsoever.

How do DH and FIL think she'll respond to not being told about it before? Or, are they just planning to lie and say it was just found? And how are they planning to handle waiting - are they concerned at all about her being upset about not being told before the operation? Have they done anything like this before?

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