To tell MIL about DD's surgery

[Oysterbabe]

MIL has anxiety. She worries about most things but the health of her grandchildren is a big trigger. Once DD was sick while we were visiting her and MIL didn't sleep at all, just led awake crying and panicking that she had something serious. DH and FIL deal with this by shielding her as much as possible from anything that might cause anxiety. If one of the kids has so much as a temperature we aren't allowed to mention it.

We found out that DD has a small hole in her heart when she was 5 days old. DH decided not to tell MIL as the hole caused no issues and it was expected that they'd just monitor it as she grows up and no treatment would be required. DD is now 2.8 years. She had a routine scan a few months ago and the hole is now causing a valve to leak and it needs to be closed. She is having open heart surgery in 3 weeks.

FIL and DH don't want to tell MIL about the surgery until after she has had it and is out of intensive care and out of danger. I feel that this is ridiculous and that MIL should know that her much loved grandchild is having major surgery. All of us are anxious and terrified, that's inevitable. MIL is a grown woman who is being treated like a child.

I won't tell her if they don't agree, and I don't think they will. But isn't that crazy? If you have anxiety, would you prefer not to know? DD is only 2 but she's bright and articulate. I'm going to start talking to her about the surgery very soon so there's a risk that she'll just tell MIL herself at this rate!

For god sake tell her, I hate secrets in family, this is important

She would be upset we struggled - well that would be because she has repeatedly refused to get help for her anxiety problem.

If and no doubt when she is hurt no-one told her earlier, this is what should be pointed out to her. It is a big deal that is stopping her taking part in family life.

Eve you say that despite being rather difficult sometimes, she is a nice woman - I guess DH and FIL know a bit more about the difficult than this nice than you do.

I sympathise with you OP, my MIL is the same. We don't tell her anything we know will cause her to go into meltdown, and frankly that's the way she likes it. She doesn't want the responsibility of knowing about problems or issues and would much rather remain blissfully ignorant. She asks "Everyone ok?" and we say "Yes, fine", even if there are serious issues. And then she's happy. We can't handle her anxiety - she makes everything about her and how she feels. She makes FIL's life a misery, but he's enabled her behaviour for 60 years. Those saying "tell her" can't ever have dealt with a person with extreme anxiety like this. You have enough to deal with and need to focus on your DD and preparing for this operation, not handling your MIL's inevitable meltdown. If you must tell her I would do it the day before, just to minimise the added stress her knowing is going to cause.

I wouldn’t shield her. I suffer from anxiety along with a number of people in my family. I can see why you want to screen things from her but I think ultimately it’s counter productive as she never has to face her anxieties and also may come to expect others to make everything alright for her. I have personal experience of this with a family member and is extremely draining.
I also think it’s dangerous to have “secrets” especially where children are involved.
You should tell her, and she should be encouraged to seek help with her anxiety.

I wouldn’t tell her. We knew that our DS was going to be born with a heart defect requiring surgery soon after birth. My MIL doesn’t have health anxiety as bad as yours but was a real PITA and sucked energy and time from us at an incredibly difficult time. It felt like everything was about her when the rings of support theory (which is very good) shows this should not be the case. Let ger find out afterwards. Then let FIL deal with her. Stay away and tell her that the reason you did was because you knew what her reaction would be. People reap the consequences of their actions.

I also agree with PP - time when you tell her carefully!! It’s a very difficult situation

I wouldn’t tell her. If she gets herself into a state where she can’t sleep or stop crying over a minor illness, she’ll be an absolute wreck over this. You don’t need that.

I wouldn’t trust her to be capable of looking after your son while your DD is in surgery/recovering. Again, if she’s in pieces over DD being a bit sick, she’ll be in a massively worse state during this.

Honestly you’re already giving her far too much headspace. If she wants to be treated like an adult you can share things with and rely on, then she needs to seek help so she can actually be that person. If she won’t do that then she just has to deal with the fact that people feel they have to insulate themselves from her when it comes to certain things.

I've just had chance to read the ring theory. Thank you wombling for the link. It's really good and I'll definitely be applying it in the future. I may even send it to MIL if she's ever told It does make me realise that FIL shouldn't be making MIL our problem. What would be most helpful is if he tells her and manages her, keeping her at a distance until she can be trusted if necessary.

Let ger find out afterwards. Then let FIL deal with her. Stay away and tell her that the reason you did was because you knew what her reaction would be

Yes, this. Do NOT say it was 'because we didn't want to worry you'. Say 'because we knew your reaction would make us have to deal with you when we needed to be concentrating on DD's care'. And perhaps something about if she wants to be kept in the loop about things she needs to seek help about her anxiety, because you can't take care of her anxiety when DD needs you.

I don't think anything good is going to come of telling MIL at this moment. She should have been told a long time ago (out of interest how long have you known she needed surgery?)

Can FIL sit with 8mo?

I wouldn’t tell her. Your dh and fil know her best and it sounds like the news will make her seriously unwell which will lead to dh and fil having to deal with her and your dd operation. No one needs that.

It just seems that you want her to baby sit more than anything else and there is no certainties that she will be in a fit state to look after the baby.

When my anxiety is bad the last thing I need is to be babysitting when my mind is racing and I feel sick and it sounds like your mil will be much worse. I don’t think it’s fair on her to ask her to do that when when she will be going out of her mind

We found out that she might need surgery in February. We found out she definitely needs surgery in April. We've just received the date. There have been several points where I've said now would be a good time to tell her but no one agrees with me.

FIL can probably watch the baby for a few hours to let the nightshift person get some rest. I haven't discussed that with him yet. Once she's on the ward there's a pullout bed so a parent can sleep next to her. In PICU and HDU parents are encouraged to go home at night. They can encourage all they like, one of us will be with her 24/7. I'm not having her waking up frightened in hospital and crying for us.

My mother has anxiety and over reacts to things. I kept a health thing secret from her until it was fine. Once she had got over the shock she thanked me for saving her the worry.

I think your MIL might get upset that she wasn’t there to help with your younger child. Also how would she be able to trust her DH and DS in future if something so big is kept from her - it’s infantilising her. I know she gets anxious but her other family and her friends will have to help her. She can see her gp of it gets severe - but covering up is not the right thing to do imo.

And yes, I was hoping that her and FIL might come and stay for a few days to help us. That was part of my motivation for wanting her to know. We will cope on our own however, we'll find a way to muddle through.
The main reason is that her grandchild is having major surgery and there's a 3% chance she'll die. I think that's something she should know.

I really think she should be told. She should be able to trust her family, knowing that you all lie to her will exacerbate her anxiety.

Good luck, I hope it all goes well for your DD.

OP it's such a difficult time.

To be honest it's very sad that your having to think about this at all.

You are right imho - it's FIL problem to deal with and whenever she's told it's up to him to "contain" her reaction. Your priority has to be your daughter.

I would however suggest that when your through this difficult time it might be good to sit down with your DH and possibly FIL.

Enabling MIL to avoid seeking treatment by "protecting" her isn't a good solution if she's going to be an active participant in the lives of her grandchildren. It's not appropriate to ask of your children to "keep secrets" from Grandma.

Perhaps when she is eventually told, it will provide her with the motivation to see her GP and get the ball rolling - if she is hurt and upset she needs to come to accept the situation is very much of her making in refusing to get the appropriate help and support.

For those who are saying "tell her" I just don't think it's that simple.

It's not the OP's place to do this whilst her DH and FIL don't want her told.

The last thing that's productive here is a fallout with DH and FIL at a time where everyone should be pulling together and focusing on DD.

Add to that having MIL in meltdown mode really isn't helping anyone - it's a distraction - she isn't the priority here.

I'm also about the argument about the MIL being hurt/upset etc. I'd feel very differently if she'd sought treatment for her anxiety- but she's refused to do so. Actions and consequences...

“MIL is a grown woman who is being treated like a child.” Or like someone with a significant MH problem!

How much help, realistically, do you think you will get from someone who laid awake crying and panicking because a child was sick? She will be in no state to look after your other child, surely?

I have had a child who has had big surgery at a young age and the last thing they need is an anxious person around them. IMO it is good to be completely matter of fact and calm with the child, and not make a big deal of ‘re-assuring’ them and doing any form of ‘oh you poor baby’ act, which dies nothing more than make them think something that warrants reassurance is happening.

If MIL is upset afterwards I would be straight with her, sympathetic but direct. “Because of your difficulties with anxiety you were not the right person to be helping us at that time, and because of our own concern we wouldn’t have had space to look after you”.

Whether she is told beforehand or not you will need to keep your Dd away from her.

I think if you don't tell her then she will be paranoid as well as anxious and there's a danger that she will keep badgering your DD. In the future will your DH ask DD to lie to her GM about things?

Also what is the fallout going to be when you do tell her? If it's just as bad as telling her on the first place then tell her IYSWIM.

I'd tell her on the day as gently as possible - maybe play it down - say she having some investigations or something then say while they were there they fixed it?

However, try and focus on the main issue here - getting your DD through the op.

Unfortunately, MIL's anxiety and other difficult traits, together with her refusal to seek treatment seem to have grown into a way of her controlling family life. There is an obvious secondary gain for her in not seeking treatment - she gets to control the family as everyone keeps their concern on her, continually updating her about things that are actually quite small and she remains in a very primary looked after role.

Unfortunately for your DH and FIL this seems to have grown so much, and with her refusal to do anything about it, it has driven them nuts and they have adopted a coping mechanism of just not telling her stuff to avoid the reaction of it being all about her, and to allow them to get on with life.

Murmuration is spot on - instead of saying you are not telling her so as not to worry her, you have to be clear that you have not told her because her reaction is/was such as it would be unhelpful at a stressful time.

Perhaps if she knows if it is now excluding her from family life, this will be the trigger for her to get help. I suspect she needs a lot more than a course of CBT.

Good Christ. My DD had OH surgery as a baby. We knew before she was born that she'd need it. It's a big deal for any family. The last thing I needed was anyone making it all about them and sucking much-needed energy from DH and me.

I'd have no truck with it. My own MIL is prone to anxiety and flapping and general attention-seeking. My approach - and DD has many serious health issues - is to tell her what's what very matter-of-factly. We have enough to worry about. We can't worry about her too.

How selfish she is.

The problem with not telling her, is when you're visiting them the week before the surgery and your DD pipes up that she's going to be having surgery, what then? Have FIL and DH considered how they're going to handle that situation? Because that's what's going to happen, unless you don't go to see them, and keep DD from seeing or speaking to her gran.

Well she knows. DH told her against FIL's wishes. We are told there have been floods of tears and the expected not sleeping. We saw her yesterday and she seemed ok though, holding it together for our benefit no doubt. Unhelpfully SIL was asking lots of questions about the surgery which MIL would have found hard to hear but I just answered them truthfully.

MIL and FIL are going to stay with us the night before and look after the baby as DD will be going down to theatre first thing on Thursday. At least DH can stop stressing about telling her now and just think about DD.

I hope it goes really well x