To tell MIL about DD's surgery

[Oysterbabe]

MIL has anxiety. She worries about most things but the health of her grandchildren is a big trigger. Once DD was sick while we were visiting her and MIL didn't sleep at all, just led awake crying and panicking that she had something serious. DH and FIL deal with this by shielding her as much as possible from anything that might cause anxiety. If one of the kids has so much as a temperature we aren't allowed to mention it.

We found out that DD has a small hole in her heart when she was 5 days old. DH decided not to tell MIL as the hole caused no issues and it was expected that they'd just monitor it as she grows up and no treatment would be required. DD is now 2.8 years. She had a routine scan a few months ago and the hole is now causing a valve to leak and it needs to be closed. She is having open heart surgery in 3 weeks.

FIL and DH don't want to tell MIL about the surgery until after she has had it and is out of intensive care and out of danger. I feel that this is ridiculous and that MIL should know that her much loved grandchild is having major surgery. All of us are anxious and terrified, that's inevitable. MIL is a grown woman who is being treated like a child.

I won't tell her if they don't agree, and I don't think they will. But isn't that crazy? If you have anxiety, would you prefer not to know? DD is only 2 but she's bright and articulate. I'm going to start talking to her about the surgery very soon so there's a risk that she'll just tell MIL herself at this rate!

I haven't RTFT so this may be a crossed post, but I would he worried about the reaction when she finds out afterwards. She really needs to know before hand, maybe hope that DD does tell her to stop the pretence of it all.

I have a relative like this and we deal with it by only telling her definites. So, like you, we wouldn't have mentioned the hole in the heart or the possibility of surgery, but once the operation was definitely happening, with a date, then told her so I think you got that right.

In our case, if we'd been in your situation and told her or she found out afterwards, then every time a grandchild missed a visit or she was asked to babysit, she'd be imagining and panicking about them having major surgery, which would be far harder to live with.

Hope DD is feeling better soon.

She's much, much better today and is in fact literally running up and down the ward laughing. When the doctors did their rounds I had to go and retrieve her from the play room and she came trotting back looking remarkably healthy and cheerful for someone who had major surgery 36 hours ago. They said they will struggle to find a reason to keep her here after today so if her consultant agrees we can go home tomorrow.
🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞

That's so lovely to here.

I have to say I think that this could be a turning point in how your DH treats his MIL - your updates very much read that your FUL didnt want the stress of dealing with his wife's anxiety so pushed it on to his son and DIL who absolutely had enough to deal with.

Your MIL acted exactly how she should in a crisis, if she wanted to cry herself to sleep at night well that's her safe space and she shouldnt have her partner passing on her anxiety to the rest of the family.

Well done to you all as a family.

I am so pleased your DD has recovered well.
Your MIL has held it together. Maybe having a role to play made her feel less stressed because she was helping.
glad it’s going so well

I agree re MIL. If this has caused her considerable stress and anxiety then I haven't seen it. I'm actually quite confused by it all. While DD was in surgery DH and I were the ones crying and she comforted us. Either she has almost superhuman ability to suppress her anxiety or FIL is somewhat exaggerating the situation to stop us telling her things.

I don't know how we would have managed these few days without her and I'll certainly be sending her a huge bunch of flowers. She's bringing the baby to the hospital today, leaving him with me and going home.

That's a fabulous update, so good to hear your DD is doing well and it must be such a relief for you too, OP!

Good to hear that MIL is still not taking it out on you, FIL may well be getting it all at home/after the event but as long as it is nowhere near you that is a good thing

Hope you all get home very soon.