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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL about DD's surgery

132 replies

Oysterbabe · 15/08/2018 14:44

MIL has anxiety. She worries about most things but the health of her grandchildren is a big trigger. Once DD was sick while we were visiting her and MIL didn't sleep at all, just led awake crying and panicking that she had something serious. DH and FIL deal with this by shielding her as much as possible from anything that might cause anxiety. If one of the kids has so much as a temperature we aren't allowed to mention it.

We found out that DD has a small hole in her heart when she was 5 days old. DH decided not to tell MIL as the hole caused no issues and it was expected that they'd just monitor it as she grows up and no treatment would be required. DD is now 2.8 years. She had a routine scan a few months ago and the hole is now causing a valve to leak and it needs to be closed. She is having open heart surgery in 3 weeks.

FIL and DH don't want to tell MIL about the surgery until after she has had it and is out of intensive care and out of danger. I feel that this is ridiculous and that MIL should know that her much loved grandchild is having major surgery. All of us are anxious and terrified, that's inevitable. MIL is a grown woman who is being treated like a child.

I won't tell her if they don't agree, and I don't think they will. But isn't that crazy? If you have anxiety, would you prefer not to know? DD is only 2 but she's bright and articulate. I'm going to start talking to her about the surgery very soon so there's a risk that she'll just tell MIL herself at this rate!

OP posts:
Ignoramusgiganticus · 27/08/2018 13:15

Thank goodness she is holding it together for your DD's sake, if not for yours.
It seems that you've done the right thing by telling her and at least you don't have to worry about the baby any more and can focus on Dd 100%. And she will trust you in the future.

Wishing you all the best for successful surgery and a quick recovery. Flowers Please let us know how she gets on. Presumably it is fairly soon and you must be going through hell with the wait.

Honeypickle · 27/08/2018 13:22

Best of luck for the surgery, sending you strength and best wishes.

I wonder though if FIL could be told that it’s not necessary to keep you updated on MIL’s reaction to the news. Did you really need to know about her floods of tears and non-sleeping?? Again, this is all about HER not about your DD and what she is about to go through. It’s hardly helpful for you to have to know all these unnecessary details.

redshoeblueshoe · 27/08/2018 13:42

I'm glad he told her.
Good luck, my thoughts are with you Flowers

proudbrows · 27/08/2018 13:48

Good luck to you all OP 💐

Mixedupmummy · 27/08/2018 13:51

hi OP I just wanted to say I'm glad your mil knows and is able to help. I hope everything goes well for your dd. I have a daughter same age Flowers
keep posting/start a new thread if you want some ongoing support

Toddlerteaplease · 27/08/2018 13:58

One of us will be sitting with her all night then swapping so the other can be with her in the day.

Peeadiatric nurse here. I would imagine that PICU staff will discourage you from staying all night. You will both need rest to be there for her when she starts to recover. You will be allowed to visit anytime and the staff will phone if they need you. IME parents all go to their rooms.

Missingstreetlife · 27/08/2018 15:18

Will she be able to look after baby if she's in a state, fil should support her, take time off work?
I think it's good she knows, she can be on same page as the rest of you, protecting people always ends in tears and feeds anxiety

Motoko · 27/08/2018 15:35

Wishing you all the best. My son only had his appendix out, and that was worrying enough, I can't imagine how much harder it must be for you. Flowers

I'm in complete agreement with Honeypickle about not needing to know about how MIL is taking the news, it's very unhelpful. Perhaps DH should have a word with his dad.

drJava · 27/08/2018 15:36

I'd tell. We were in a similar situation - even down to the type of surgery and 'problem'.

We told (my DM) but were very clear that we didn't want her around during the surgry and prep as all of our energy would be needed elsewhere.

DS had his surgery at 1 year and 1 day old with his CHD having been diagnosed 12 months earlier. Giving more time meant family could prepare, probably talk amongst themselves and support us amazingly.

Good luck to your daughter.

Missingstreetlife · 27/08/2018 15:39

Hope all goes well, keep us posted op. Perhaps sil can support fil, sounds like she can deal with her anxiety appropriately by gaining knowledge. It is ok for mil to be anxious about this, it's a big deal, but it shouldn't all come your way. Perhaps she needs to learn some techniques for dealing with it in future. Meantime trust your dd is in good hands and will come through healthier and stronger, best wishes.

NewUserNameTime · 27/08/2018 15:51

Good luck OP. I'm glad she is trying to hold it together for you and DD

HappyReading · 27/08/2018 15:51

Good luck to your DD OP. Will be thinking of you, please keep us updated with how the surgery has gone.

SassitudeandSparkle · 27/08/2018 17:28

Good luck with the surgery OP, I was wondering how you were getting on so thanks for the update. Good to hear that she's not making a fuss in front of you and your DD.

Original poster
Oysterbabe · 01/09/2018 04:28

Thank you for the good wishes.
The surgery went well and she is recovering. It's very hard at the moment, she's confused, in pain and frightened. She is making clear progress though so we just need to grit our teeth and get through it.
MIL has been incredibly helpful looking after the baby. I miss him like crazy though. I didn't see him at all yesterday and now I'm lying in bed, unable to sleep hoping he wakes for a feed, which he often does at this time. MIL is bringing him to the hospital to visit DD tomorrow, she's been asking for him.

OP posts:
Fruitbatdancer · 01/09/2018 06:10

Such good news @oysterbabe sending hugs to you and your daughter. Pleased it went so well and MIL has stepped up. Hopefully looking after baby gives her purpose and distraction.

lizbeth1980 · 01/09/2018 06:26

Hi, my daughter went through heart surgery a couple of years ago. Sending you and her lots of positivitity, I know how hard it is. We stayed next to her bed through the night but the nurses weren’t keen!! Please feel free to message me if you would like to chat more about it. Xx

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 01/09/2018 06:47

Glad it went well op, and I'm glad mil has been a help rather than a hindrance. Flowers for you and Bear for your brave dd.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 01/09/2018 07:00

That’s great news that she’s doing well 💕

You’re doing the right thing having one of you stay with her 24/7. They could ‘encourage’ all they like, but there’s not a hope in hell I’d leave her there on her own. Any idea what time frame you’re looking at to get her home?

I’m pleased DH told his Mum & she’s holding it together for DD & DS and you guys.

One wonders how much FIL over exaggerates her (never witnessed) reactions? This needs dealing with, but not until DD is fully recovered and you’re back to normal.

Don’t be afraid to ask friends for help too, I’d happily have DS for you, whether that’s while DD is in hospital or at home recovering. Mind you, typical tot, she’ll probably recover before you do 😊

Ignoramusgiganticus · 01/09/2018 07:58

Such a relief that everything went well. Now the hard physical and emotion slog of recovering. It's so great that mil is able to help you with that and take some of the burden off you. The fact that she can get on with looking after ds may be helping her to get through this too. She's got an actual important role to play.

Original poster
Oysterbabe · 01/09/2018 08:47

The hospital have been really good and let DH sleep in the echo room just off the ward and fetching him if she wakes. I suspect it's easier for them for a parent to settle a toddler than attempt to (and certainly fail in our case) to do it themselves. This has meant he can be at the hospital in the day too and we can take turns going out to have some lunch or whatever.

Right now she's just very fed up of being in bed and keeps saying her tummy hurts. It's the chest drains that are bothering her. They are coming out this morning then she can come off the morphine and catheter and will be able to walk around. I expect her to perk up pretty much as soon as that happens. I predict we'll be going home Monday or Tuesday. MIL is going home tomorrow but I'll be able to bring the baby here to the hospital by then so we'll manage fine.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMoose · 01/09/2018 09:14

It’s great DH has been able to get some sleep too, it definitely makes life easier.

Hopefully they’ll have those bits out soon and she’ll be feeling much happier. A toddler that’s not feeling unwell is very difficult to keep in bed 😫

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/09/2018 09:20

So glad it's all went well. When you're all settled at home I hope you can let your in-laws know how glad you are they were able to help, it's a really positive thing that you MIL managed her anxiety.

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/09/2018 09:21

PS and thanks for the update.

shakeyourcaboose · 01/09/2018 09:53

So glad it all went well!

SassitudeandSparkle · 01/09/2018 16:54

Good to hear it went well and that your MIL is being helpful too. I hope your daughter continues to recover well and is more comfortable without the tubes etc (they do pull when you move around so I do think getting rid of them helps!). Thanks for the update.

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