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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell MIL about DD's surgery

132 replies

Oysterbabe · 15/08/2018 14:44

MIL has anxiety. She worries about most things but the health of her grandchildren is a big trigger. Once DD was sick while we were visiting her and MIL didn't sleep at all, just led awake crying and panicking that she had something serious. DH and FIL deal with this by shielding her as much as possible from anything that might cause anxiety. If one of the kids has so much as a temperature we aren't allowed to mention it.

We found out that DD has a small hole in her heart when she was 5 days old. DH decided not to tell MIL as the hole caused no issues and it was expected that they'd just monitor it as she grows up and no treatment would be required. DD is now 2.8 years. She had a routine scan a few months ago and the hole is now causing a valve to leak and it needs to be closed. She is having open heart surgery in 3 weeks.

FIL and DH don't want to tell MIL about the surgery until after she has had it and is out of intensive care and out of danger. I feel that this is ridiculous and that MIL should know that her much loved grandchild is having major surgery. All of us are anxious and terrified, that's inevitable. MIL is a grown woman who is being treated like a child.

I won't tell her if they don't agree, and I don't think they will. But isn't that crazy? If you have anxiety, would you prefer not to know? DD is only 2 but she's bright and articulate. I'm going to start talking to her about the surgery very soon so there's a risk that she'll just tell MIL herself at this rate!

OP posts:

WomblingWoman · 15/08/2018 15:47

If she's refusing to get any help for her anxiety I'm afraid she can't really complain how people choose to deal with it.

Saying that trust is an issue goes both ways.

If she can't be trusted to get help for an issue that's clearly impacting not just herself but her wider family, she in turn can't say it's unfair to break her trust by not telling her things that will exacerbate a condition that's she's unwilling to get treatment for.

Original poster

Oysterbabe · 15/08/2018 15:48

FIL could hypothetically look after DS. It would involve more secrets and lies, him pretending to go to work and coming here.

OP posts:

WomblingWoman · 15/08/2018 15:52

Oh and I don't think you can visit the weekend before.....

Your DD is the priority and it's totally inappropriate to risk a meltdown from MIL.

Tbh given your update about refusing any help for her anxiety makes me think she's actually pretty selfish.

You absolutely shouldn't have to be tiptoeing round her when your focus should be firmly on DD.

BrynhildurWhitemane · 15/08/2018 15:52

If she's refusing to get any help for her anxiety I'm afraid she can't really complain how people choose to deal with it.

Saying that trust is an issue goes both ways.

I have to agree with this. If MIL isn't prepared to get help, she has to accept that the people around her will work to reduce the impact on themselves, even if that means not telling her anything.

Bluelady · 15/08/2018 15:53

So the day of surgery is covered. Could FiL tell her that morning, stay at home with her that day and then they have your son from that point on?

To be honest, I don't know why any of us, including you, are wracking our brains over this. If the two men in her life have decided what to do, what's their strategy for dealing with it?

Original poster

Oysterbabe · 15/08/2018 15:54

DH and FIL think that dealing with her anger over more than 2 years of secrecy is preferable to her being worried sick every day.

We had a meeting with a psychologist recently as part of the pre-surgical consultations. DH mentioned the problem to her and she recommended telling her at least a week before. She was concerned that telling her too close to the surgery and giving her no time to process it before it happened could lead to a severe reaction. I think this is when DH decided it would be best not to tell her until after. Although he didn't mention this to the psych at the time.

OP posts:

PerspicaciaTick · 15/08/2018 15:55

I didn't mean for him to lie - just for him to be around to take responsibility for the baby so the MIL isn't left on her own with the baby if she is distraught. Having the baby might distract her, but having FIL on hand would minimise any risk.

Joboy · 15/08/2018 16:00

I have someone with this level of anxiety in my famliy.
The reason we don't tell them stuff is that we can't cope with them and the event we are not telling them about.
You have really thought about your DH and FIL feelings. They are telling you that can't cope with OP supporting you and then all there own fears . And then your MIL all consuming anxiety who demand all their time attention.

To someone who has never had cope with level of anxiety it seems cruel but if you had to cope with all your life you to protect your self and other people .
Go by what they say . Please otherwise it will be a horror story.

DoulaDaisy · 15/08/2018 16:03

Tell her. Even if you have to do it yourself. You're going to need help. Especially if, and it's not likely but there's a risk, there are complications. I'm not being bad but my DD had OHS at age 5, she was out of ICU after 24 hours but we couldn't have any of our other children there because she was the priority so having an 8 month in a room with a child who's just had OHS is just not really feasible.

BrynhildurWhitemane · 15/08/2018 16:09

If that's how they want to deal with it, then I guess that's that. But they need to make sure the anxiety and resulting anger from not having been told doesn't spill over onto you and expecially your DD.

And by that, I mean that MIL doesn't go into excessive fussing over DD, trying to wrap her in cotton wool, and generally working her up after the operation. I think keeping this as matter of fact as possible will help DD to shrug this off as "something I had done", and the excessive fussing (from experience, I've got members of the family with anxiety) could keep too much attention on the OP, etc.

asprinklingofsugar · 15/08/2018 16:13

I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you, but I do want to reassure you about the surgery. I was born with a hole in my heart and a leaky valve, and I had the hole repaired when I was about the same age as your daughter. It's been about 20 years since my operation and I've been to university, go out with friends, have a dog, and I'm job searching - basically I have a totally normal life. I do have slightly less stamina than most people but it doesn't cause much of an issue. I've been told my stamina about 2/3rds what a normal person's would be, but that's totally normal for someone like me. It simply means I get out of breath a bit more easily when doing physical activity, but that could also be because I'm not the fittest! I do have to go for check ups annually and I will have to get the valve fixed at some point, probably within the next decade, as it's still leaky. But my condition isn't noticeable to anyone; everyone thinks I'm totally normal and there's nothing wrong with me and they're always surprised to find out that I was born with a heart condition, that still affects me minutely today. I know it's scary but I'm sure your daughter will be totally fine and will go on to have a long, happy, healthy life

Original poster

Oysterbabe · 15/08/2018 16:16

Whenever they end up telling her I do worry about how she'll be with DD when she sees her. I know that the first thing DD will say to her will be that she's had an operation and will probably want to show grandma her scar.

I find the whole situation we've found ourselves in ridiculous. How much easier would our lives be right now if 2.8 years ago we'd told her that DD has a small hole and they aren't worried about it.

OP posts:

bigKiteFlying · 15/08/2018 16:18

Oh and I don't think you can visit the weekend before.....

I don't think you can do this either and not tell MIL because you don't want your DD not feeling able to talk about it but if she lets slip and MIL has melt down that could impact on her and her concerns going into operation.

AnnaMagnani · 15/08/2018 16:22

I know you say you could do with her help but

Realistically will she be any help?

When you tell her it sounds like it will rapidly become all about her needs and her anxiety and nothing about practical childcare at all. If she can't sleep and bombards you with phonecalls about a normal childhood illness, I think your DH and FIL understand her quite well.

Orchidflower1 · 15/08/2018 16:22

Could looking after the baby give her something to focus on - she would feel like she was/ is doing a vital job.
I’d rather know.

bigKiteFlying · 15/08/2018 16:31

I know that the first thing DD will say to her will be that she's had an operation and will probably want to show grandma her scar.

Then you stand there saying it's a minor thing that's now fixed and FIL and DH didn't want you told as your health anxiety is a problem and step in every time she tries to fuss - operation is done she's fine everything is under control and keep saying firmly and matter of factly everytime.

I can see why you want her told beforehand - I'd want that to in your situation though can also see your DH and FIL not wanting to have to deal with her anxiety on top of their own feelings - it's tough all round.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 15/08/2018 16:44

Not read the thread (how annoying am I!) but just want to say that it can make anxiety worse if you start suspecting people are lying to you/covering things up to protect you. You start to worry that things might be worse than they are and no one has told you.

(My mother does the 'we didn't want to tell you your father has cancer as we didn't want to worry you' and even though my anxiety is in the 'normal' threshold I now feel it growing as they are getting older that there is more going on and they just aren't telling me about it.)

Also to you and your DD.

Member745520 · 15/08/2018 16:48

What Orchidflower1 said - my immediate reaction when you mentioned your 8mos old was that MIL might feel more in control of her own anxiety and therefore the whole situation if she felt she was included in a positive way by being trusted with responsibility for the care of the baby.

for you

SassitudeandSparkle · 15/08/2018 17:01

I was just coming on to say the same as Joboy - it's the thought of dealing with the anxious relative who will be making it all-about me and the waste of energy that you want to use on the person who is actually in need of care! I agree that it's a pain but I do entirely understand why your DH and FIL don't want her to know. It's because they don't want to deal with her.

Original poster

Oysterbabe · 15/08/2018 17:26

Despite being rather difficult sometimes, MIL is a nice woman and DD adores her. I think she would be upset that we struggled juggling the baby and getting no rest when she could have helped. Also DS is the easiest baby in the world, he's like a ray of sunshine. I defy anyone to look at his happy little face and not feel a bit better about the world. I'm not sure I can overrule DH and FIL though so it's looking likely that we'll have to deal with the fallout after.

OP posts:

N0tfinished · 15/08/2018 17:29

No way would I tell her. You have enough on your plate, why would you add dealing with MILs anxiety on top? Who would benefit? You're not going to cure her by being stern & wagging your finger at her. It sounds extreme based on your description of her reaction when your DD was ill recently.

If you want to help her recover from her anxiety then encourage her to seek treatment.

WomblingWoman · 15/08/2018 17:44

"She would be upset that we struggled" - ok but frankly not upset enough to seek treatment so she would be in a position to help.....

I'm probably sounding harsh but it's actually ridiculous in this situation that anyone should be giving her any headspace at all.

Jammysod · 15/08/2018 17:55

We have a similar situation with mil.

I wouldn't tell her unless I absolutely had to purely (& probably selfishly) I couldn't cope with her anxiety & flapping around on top of my own worries.

Almostfifty · 15/08/2018 18:01

She's a grown woman. Do as the Psychologist said and tell her a week before, and ask her if she can help with your son. It's not about her, it's about your DD.

You might actually find that when it's something more serious she'll be better about coping.

BlueEyedPersephone · 15/08/2018 18:05

Tell her a week before, as you may need her if anything does not go the plan.
Fil has to man up and manage her for that week, do not tell your child to lie. I would be extremely upset if the worse were to happen to a close family member and I had not been told they were undergoing surgery.
She needs to be told that the focus is dd not her and if she is anxious to seek gp/ counselling not to add to your situation
Your dh and fil are doing the easiest thing for them not the right thing for mil or dd.

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