Row with Mother in law

[Mckenzie123]

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!...
I need some advice on a situation that arose between my MIL and I a few days ago.
To start from the beginning, I met my husband when I was 19. He was 26 and already had a child that was 3. He was a single parent as his ex partner had chosen not to be in the child’s life. This meant that when our relationship became official, I took on the role of step mum to the little one and decided that if I was going to do this I would raise the child as if he was my own and nothing less. That was 9 years ago and I have since fully adopted my step son (who I’ve referred to as my son for years) and I am now 18 weeks pregnant with my first after years of struggling with fertility issues.
My MIL and husband have a very close relationship as most mothers and sons do. My MIL can be a nice person but she is very intimidating and opinionated if she doesn’t agree with something that I want for my son. We haven’t had many disagreements over the years but the worst part about it is that my husband never sticks up for me when we do. My MIL is very much all about showering ds with love and affection (which we all want) and making out as though she knows him better than I do. She undermines me all the time and feeds ds junk food and rubbish whenever he spends time with her which is a lot as we have had to rely on her help because of work commitments. I have tried to raise this with her on a few occasions but she gets defensive and nasty about it. Cue the drama that unfolded this week... ds was to stay at her house for the night as it’s half term and she suggested that they get fish and chips for tea. Usually I wouldn’t mind as a treat however my husband had treated ds to a McDonald’s breakfast that morning. I objected and offered her food to take from my house for her to cook. She flat out refused and still said that she would be getting fish and chips. As a final attempt I then offered to cook for my ds and then drop him over to her house later on once he had had his tea. My husband then told me to ‘shut up and stop being funny about it’ and my MIL stormed out - I admit I was so angry in the end after my husband said what he said I did lose my temper and bit and told them to do what they like. My husband chased my MIL out of the house with ds in tow and told her it was fine. Before I could do anything my MIL had driven off with my ds. My husband and I had a huge row because he accused me of being ‘funny’ with her when all I was trying to do was offer to cook for my ds without being too confrontational. I therefore decided that enough was enough and drove to MIL’s house to pick my son up and take him home. By the time I got there she’d already got him the fish and chips so I felt I couldn’t just take it away from right underneath him. She said some horrible things and I told her that I was sick of being undermined and I was finally sticking up for myself. My reasoning was just that - is she going to think she can do the same when my new baby gets here?!
Basically I want to know if I am/was being unreasonable? I haven’t heard from her since the row and I am just so hurt and upset that my MIL and husband both did what they did. I am just so done with being walked all over and I want to be respected for the mum that I am. I can’t talk to my husband about it because he will just defend her 🙁

“The OP feels like she's undermined very regularly by her MIL and her DH stands by and says nothing”

But the only example of this undermining she has given is this ridiculous incident.

And as I said, I don’t see why her dp has to back her up if he thinks she’s wrong.
Incidentally, she hasn’t mentioned how her ds felt/reacted. It must have been horrible for him

Oh OP 😞. It's tough feeling undermined as a parent and doubly so when you're pregnant. It sounds a bit like everything has just gotten on top of you and this was the final straw!

So yes, maybe YWBU with the reaction but you know what? If my partner had shouted at me to shut up in front of other people I'd have gone ballistic. That's just not on.

Grandparents do have a habit of feeding their grandkids junk 🙈. Mine do it too. And it used to drive me mad. Now I try and look at it as a whole. There are 21 meals in a week. So what if they have junk for a few. There's plenty of opportunity for healthy meals and snacks! Perhaps ask her to make sure that they're at least getting some fruit/veg at some point during the day with her if they're going to have junk. You could've asked her to make sure they were having peas with the fish and chips for example. Or a fruit bag with the mcds. All of this will make it seem like you're working with her rather than against her.

Big hugs tho. It's very hard being pregnant and having power struggles. Often you don't realise how hard until later on when you look back xx

The OP hasn't posted very much on this thread but twice she has said MIL undermines her regularly and on a "daily basis". Quite what this means I don't know.

Given the fact the MIL had already fed the dc his fish and chips when the OP went to her house says to me that MIL was hell bent in having her way.

This is not an isolated incident imo but one of many that tipped the OP over the edge into reacting the way she did.

I really feel like the OP needs to her DH.

Feeling undermined daily by someone who is so important in the lives of her DS and DH must be extremely difficult.

How about couple's counselling? DH and I went some time ago and I feel like it helped us tremendously.
And it's not like our relationship was awful beforehand (not at all...)

It was more about finding constructive vessels of conversation, finding out what we need, what I would need during a pregnancy (for additional medical reasons), agreeing both our needs in regards to work / moving semi close to my family etc...

We still have skype sessions with her about once a month. (Don't live in the same country anymore...)

So yes, maybe YWBU with the reaction but you know what? If my partner had shouted at me to shut up in front of other people I'd have gone ballistic

She never said he shouted at her, why are you changing it?

Given the fact the MIL had already fed the dc his fish and chips

She hadn't fed him it,she had bought it, and they probably got it on the way home. And a 12 year old feeds themselves.

Haven't read the whole thread. But from the original post ywbu - offering to cook and take over food is really controlling - you caused a row over something really minor.
Just let it go - it's one day and fish and chips seems ok to me health wise.

Don't be pedantic. By the time the OP got to MILs she'd bought the fish and chips so he was probably eating it or had already eaten it. The point is the MIL totally disregarded the OP and her request not to feed it him.

Yes, that's the whole point of the thread. And the op totally disregarded her husband and his view it was fine.

Interesting thread.

I'm astonished that fish n chips from a chippy is seen as a nutritious meal

I really am. Its definalty a treat here!
Op my personal feelings about how we do junk food in our house are not really relaxant to you. I'm a big believer if over all diet is good then one soldi day if junk won't matter.

But as pp have pointed out this is nothing to do with the junk food.

It's obviously the straw that broke your back. But you didn't say if you took Jon home.

As for Rowing over your son, maybe he just thinks wow she loves me this much that she has charged over to save me from this meal 😂😂.

Would anyone expect their dh to support them every single time over thier Mil.

Well it depends on all sorts of things!! But if your in a relationship and your Mil is entwined in your lives and you feel side lined and undermined, by both dh and Mil then you have to serious problem on your your hands.

Some people think that every son is able to be the diplomat and mediate equally and fairly between wife and mum and judge when either one is is the wrong and say so nicely.

The reality is often a domineering mum has raised a son who is afraid to say no. The wife trying to be polite then gets sucked into this drama and unless she stands up for herself... Will then become a sort of baby sitter whilst Mil runs the show through her emotionally battered son.

Even in a good situation where the son hasn't been raised by battle axe mum, people managing may not be his strong point.
Your dh sounds terrified if his dm running out after her panicking.

This is what would concern me more out of everything.

If op is being constantly undermined and side lined... Then yes her dh does have to support her!! They do have to present a united front.

Seeing a kind lady a few times a month or year would present a totally different way reaction because it won't affect ops life on a day to day basis. I imagine gp who see thier gc only rarely would get far more carte blanch on what they do.

Ultimately if ops dh never ever stands up for her or even agrees with her on details like this. And op feels this side lined then I'm not sure what life she has ahead of her.

It sounds like the husband wants an easy life therefore backing his mum and not his wife to me.

"The point is the MIL totally disregarded the OP and her request not to feed it him."
I do feel I have to keep saying this-but he is 12.

Why should the OP's request take priority over her DPs?

See my post above.

Perhaps the husband just thinks his Mum is right and the OP is wrong!

Maybe because this is yet another time when op is trying to suggest he has healthy dinner? She said she tried to suggest this in a nice way and she was totally rail roaded and ignored.

The dh running out in panic says to me he is terrified of his dm and upsetting her.

Is op supposed to have no say in how her son is raised? Is it polite to ignore her and instead of opening up a dialogue... Just riding roughshod over her suggestions?
Is op supposed to be some kind of surrendered wife and mother.
What is her role in this family? Does she make valid points?

Mil could have easily said ' yes dear op actually you have a point especially with maccy d breakfast but I'm really fancying fish n chips now and I won't feel right getting some for myself and eating them in front of ds. Would you mind just this once if we get them but next time we will check he has eaten well that day? '

Yanbu

Overindulgence is as bad a neglect.

I have the same issue. Every meal is a treat and there are unlimited chocolate and sweets. DC don't often see GPS and they go crazy with junck food. DC got a bit chubby over the last year and worked hard to eat well and exercise for about six months. They were very self conscious around their friends and I've supported their health kick by all eating better and buying limited treats in. The odd thing is great but undermining his health with ridiculous amounts of shite is awful. DC don't need a whole large bag of galaxy, a large bag of straws jellies, tea with 5 sugars and other random crap. Every, single.time.

The choice is to reduce contact.

Like me you have a DH problem. This kind of over-indulgence us very damaging to the physical and mental health of dc. I'm frustrated that my intelligent and kind DH can't see that.

...she suggested that they get fish and chips for tea. Usually I wouldn’t mind as a treat however my husband had treated ds to a McDonald’s breakfast that morning. I objected and offered her food to take from my house for her to cook.

That is extremely rude of you. Not to mention hypocritical. And undermining of her role as a grandparent and a carer. If I was your MIL, I would tell you to take a hike and find someone else to mind your DS.

Sorry, but you did ask.

Also granny sees him a lot and feeds him junk a lot.

This insistence that husbands or partners should support you regardless of whether they think you're right or not is bizarre. There was nothing about that in my marriage vows.

So mythical it's acceptable she feeds him junk all the time and op can't say anything about it? She has tried to raise this with her and she has been intimidated and ignored.

It's OK is it for ops son to be fed junk... All the time?

OP for clarity how else does she undermine you?

It's not all the time, presumably he eats most of his meals at home. OP tried to raise it by offering her MiL 'healthy" food to cook at her house. How bloody rude and insulting is that?

It's not that black and white
If your lives are entwined and your dh never backs you up your not going to have a very happy life.
This wasn't a one off op said she has tried to raise the the issue of junk food over the the years and her dh has never backed her up and her Mil is intimidating..

This isn't one off every few months. It's the very fact it's been regular that's the problem. She has tried to raise it nicely because she loves her son.

She was ignored and her dh didn't back her up.

I'm very surprised that so many posters would be happy with thier dc having regular junk food. And happy to defer to their dh and Mil over dc diets?

Blue lady from the the op, not verbatim.

She feeds him junk food and rubbish which is alot as we have to rely on her for work commitments.

If gran fed the boy junk all the time, then why take him for a McDonald's knowing he was overnighting there and having his dinner there. I very much doubt the gran feeds the boy junk all the time.

And I also don't get thr whole the husband should have supported her. I wouldn't have supported my husband in this either. And why shouldn't the op support her husband, why has her word got more weight than his dads. It was a bloody fish supper, not arsenic.

Bluntness I don't know how you can have completely failed to pick up from the thread and OPs posts that this is a much bigger issue than the fish and chips. OP feels continually undermined by MIL and her wishes are never respected. Your posts can be so smug sometimes, does it make you feel better about yourself?