Row with Mother in law

[Mckenzie123]

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!...
I need some advice on a situation that arose between my MIL and I a few days ago.
To start from the beginning, I met my husband when I was 19. He was 26 and already had a child that was 3. He was a single parent as his ex partner had chosen not to be in the child’s life. This meant that when our relationship became official, I took on the role of step mum to the little one and decided that if I was going to do this I would raise the child as if he was my own and nothing less. That was 9 years ago and I have since fully adopted my step son (who I’ve referred to as my son for years) and I am now 18 weeks pregnant with my first after years of struggling with fertility issues.
My MIL and husband have a very close relationship as most mothers and sons do. My MIL can be a nice person but she is very intimidating and opinionated if she doesn’t agree with something that I want for my son. We haven’t had many disagreements over the years but the worst part about it is that my husband never sticks up for me when we do. My MIL is very much all about showering ds with love and affection (which we all want) and making out as though she knows him better than I do. She undermines me all the time and feeds ds junk food and rubbish whenever he spends time with her which is a lot as we have had to rely on her help because of work commitments. I have tried to raise this with her on a few occasions but she gets defensive and nasty about it. Cue the drama that unfolded this week... ds was to stay at her house for the night as it’s half term and she suggested that they get fish and chips for tea. Usually I wouldn’t mind as a treat however my husband had treated ds to a McDonald’s breakfast that morning. I objected and offered her food to take from my house for her to cook. She flat out refused and still said that she would be getting fish and chips. As a final attempt I then offered to cook for my ds and then drop him over to her house later on once he had had his tea. My husband then told me to ‘shut up and stop being funny about it’ and my MIL stormed out - I admit I was so angry in the end after my husband said what he said I did lose my temper and bit and told them to do what they like. My husband chased my MIL out of the house with ds in tow and told her it was fine. Before I could do anything my MIL had driven off with my ds. My husband and I had a huge row because he accused me of being ‘funny’ with her when all I was trying to do was offer to cook for my ds without being too confrontational. I therefore decided that enough was enough and drove to MIL’s house to pick my son up and take him home. By the time I got there she’d already got him the fish and chips so I felt I couldn’t just take it away from right underneath him. She said some horrible things and I told her that I was sick of being undermined and I was finally sticking up for myself. My reasoning was just that - is she going to think she can do the same when my new baby gets here?!
Basically I want to know if I am/was being unreasonable? I haven’t heard from her since the row and I am just so hurt and upset that my MIL and husband both did what they did. I am just so done with being walked all over and I want to be respected for the mum that I am. I can’t talk to my husband about it because he will just defend her 🙁

But as many of you have noticed, this was the straw that broke the camels back and I know what I have to do now

What? Apologise? Not have bun fights over what the kid has for dinner over at his grans when he's staying the night and his dad is fine with it and the kid is probably looking forward to it?

It is not showing strength to a child " to blow your top" in front of him over fish and chips.

Showing how to handle conflict, not argue small shit, know when to let go, knowing how to handle situations maturely is what you teach a child, and knowing you're not being made a fool of becayse someone disagreed with you on what's for dinner.

And seriously. Not shouting at his granny because she wants to buy him fish and chips.

If you have a wider issue op with your family then talk to them. This was not the way to do it and it was not a good lesson for this child.

I honestly think you’re reacting this way because you’re pregnant. Everything seems like such a massive and legitimate thing when you’re pregnant, you’re absolutely sure you’re in the right etc etc. You clearly want what’s best for your son but I also think you need to just let this go and relax, or just explain that you feel annoyed that she didn’t listen and it isn’t a good example to set and then move on. Your MIL sounds like hard work but most are!

I think pick your battles if you are getting free child care. The food thing was massively escalated, when you could have let it go. In the scheme of things fish & chips isn't really junk. Also, being very rigid & making some food taboo makes it all the more desirable & can lead to food issues. I had rigidly controlled healthy food 24/7 & I'm bloody obsessed with 'forbidden' food to this day.

If he usually eats with you and gets a good balanced diet as a rule - then eating fish and chips with his grandparents on occasion isn't a problem - even if he did have McDonalds for breakfast too. (A single day isn't going to hurt him. We are talking about foods not actual poison.)

Were you unreasonable?
Well, it isn't reasonable to dictate what he eats at someone else's house.

If this was all about a portion of fish and chips then yes - you were unreasonable. Be nice - be polite. Pick your battles - this isn't a good one.

Really though, there seems to be a 'whose child is he' battle going on here.

This is a different matter. (Avoid getting food involved in it if you can. Feeding a child is a very emotional matter for many and not at all about nutrition )

This is something to discuss with your DH. He probably still thinks the whole row is all about a portion of fish and chips and has no idea why you were so ungrateful to his mother.

Fish and chips from the chippy really is junk, especially the very fatty chips. When I give my DDs fish and chips, I cook it in the oven at home and make sure they have some veg.

I do agree that a McDonalds breakfast and then fish and chips from the chippy is a terrible combination and not one I'd be happy with at all. Either of them is fine as a treat but not on the same day.

Proper communication is what's needed, where you're both on the same page.", with the main concern being the well-being of your DS, not scoring cheap points.

Fish and chips from the chippy really is junk, especially the very fatty chips

Do you need extra Nope sauce with that?

SchadenfreudePersonified, I was responding to a previous poster, just curious, not really inferring there is about to be a custody battle!

This is all about control.

Drnectarine. You’re right - it’s all about mil trying to exercise her control because she fathoms herself to be the queen bee of another woman’s nest. Mil is dispisable

Op I sure hope you protect your new baby from her clutches. Or else you are in for a real treat with this wretched woman.

I can completely understand your reaction, your reaction is down to years of other things, tell her what you don’t like. Pregnancy can make u feel even more annoyed and protective of your relationship ship with your unborn baby and also give you anxiety- I have the same situation with my mil. Put yourself first, your pregnant after trying for so long so just make sure u feel at peace so say what you need to her and don’t feel guilty- just also show appreciation for what she does like all the babysitting so you make it positive too.

Your son is very lucky to have you in his life. I would just let it go, unless you can stop relying on her for child care it's difficult to enforce rules. If it really bothers you don't get her to babysit once your baby is born.

Look, OP, I really feel for you, you sound absolutely miserable and at the end of your tether. Just try and take a step or two back though, you said your DH was a single parent when you met, your son was 3 at that point, who do you think DH relied on for support and help in bringing up his then infant son if not your MIL?

I'm not condoning the undermining or the disrespect she has shown you but you have to have a little compassion too. She probably has a far closer connection with her grandson than is normal for a grandparent because of his early motherless years and you have to allow for her natural reluctance to give up what was almost the role of a mother to you. The thing I'm seeing is like a tug of love between you, she's using grandma privilege if you like to keep the child attached and you're using mum privilege to insist on 'your child your rules'. Poor kid is probably very torn between you and DH probably has torn loyalties too, he owes a debt of gratitude to his mother for being there for him with his child before you came on the scene but he owes you the debt of loyalty as his wife.

The fish and chips should not be the hill you choose to die on here, you're having another child and this is your opportunity to clear the air, start over with MIL, lay out the ground rules and boundaries before that baby arrives. But first you really do have to apologise because there will be no going forward until this is behind you. I get it was accumulation of pinpricks that finally made you snap and pregnancy hormones don't help but all your MIL, DH and son are seeing is that you had a massively unreasonable major blow up over a bloody takeaway.

Ok if you aren't careful one day you will turn into Stormi12 who drips with contempt about her MIL.

She seems to hate the fact that her OH had a woman in her life before her.

What you both need to remember is that you will both be mils one day. How would you feel if your sil chases you to your house for giving your grandchild fish and chips?

I get that there maybe some territorial pissing contest pre existing this debacle BUT....
YABVU.
Who on earth offers to give someone a bag of food from your home and tell them what to cook in their own home because you don't agree with their dinner plans?Just because of what you consider to be a double up of junk food? FFS it would have no long term detrimental effect on his health . What you suggested was insulting and disrespectful.
To then have an tantrum because your DH rightly told you you were being funny, race over there to prevent the consumption of said evil fish and chips is just a complete overeaction. I would have said a few horrible things to you too if this happened to me.
If you are being undermined this is not the way to have gone about dealing with it.
YABVVVU in this situation, and need to apologise.
Once the air has cleared have a reasonable discussion about it, and both you and your MIL have to resolve this competition you have over a 12 year old boy.You need to address your feelings of insecurity over the child you adopted and your need to take priority over the other people on his life.
If she is okay to provide childcare, she is also okay to feed him how she likes but she should take on board your requests, and maybe you can find a medium.
Your DH was right to defend his mother in this circumstance.
Sorry.

I really get the wider issue.

But what an unfortunate event for you to lose your shit over.

Because now you look completely unreasonable, and have pretty much lost the higher ground.

Hopefully you can wait for the dust to settle, and talk about this like rational adults. All three of you.

As i said in previous posts - i understand completely how you feel op. You should be the one making the rules.
In years to come though - gm's unrespecful ways will grate on on your son as well.
If I was you I would apologise - blame it on the baby hormones 😉
Give her enough rope.
You are mum and your dc knows that.

Let's blame this on pregnancy hormones and lie low for a bit, sounds like you got it in a bit for MIL if your honest the fault lies with the people knowing he was going granny's so probably having a treat with granny then deciding to give him breakfast at macdonalds. But be fair... if it was egg McMuffin was it going to kill him?

Depending on how you phrased the 'I'd rather DS didn't have fish and chips as he's already had mcD breakfast today' I think YANBU.

However, If DS is healthy/active the odd occurrence of mcD breakfast and fish and chips dinner shouldn't be bad.

@Mckenzie123

I’m glad you came back to engage. Since your last post you’ve had some excellent advice. Please come back and engage again. Perhaps you didn’t mean it the way your post sounded but the I know what I have to do now comment is pretty ominous.

As others have said, going head to head with your mil isn’t going to work. You both need to find a way to work together and where necessary put sensible boundaries up with her. Your dh also needs to be on board with any changes. And they need to be sensible. Not about fish and chips. You did yourself no favours yesterday.

Some of the rage and injustice you’re feeling could well be pregnancy hormones and if you go about this like a bull in a china shop you could ultimately damage your relationship with your ds. Your mil and dh sound co dependant and as the addition to the family, it will be you, who becomes the casualty in any fall out. Not your mil. I’m sure you don’t want to break up your family and cause further damage to your ds. He’s also not at an easy age. Full on hormonal. With your hormones in the mix life is a lot more volatile than normal. Softly softly.

Clairetree
A failure rate of 25% isn’t almost all adoptions by a long stretch. And as there are no official stats this figure differs wildly. I’d love to know the circumstances, where a grandmother has challenged an adopted parent and won custody - assuming this isn’t another one of your exaggerations. It sure isn’t going to be the likes of op, who sounds fully engaged and committed and whose ds chose to be adopted. Yes, I’m sure if push came to shove she could get part custody / access rights as she’s been such a central part in her gs life. But would that really be necessary with a boy almost in his teens? If he weren’t happy at home he’d simply go and live with grandma. Just more chest puffing from you as far as I’m concerned.

You should be the one making the rules.

No. The child has 2 parents. The OP does not get make the rules unilaterally.

That's not how it works.

The decision to give him fish and chips for tea was not going to hurt the child, it's not damaging him. If the decision was putting the him in danger then fair enough. But it wasn't.

There is no reason the OP decision should over rule her dhs decision, or the grandmother's choice for tea when she is looking after the child.

I just cannot get my head round having this sort of battle over a 12 year old’s dinner. If he was 5, possibly. But 12?

Sorry but you were totally over the top.

I rely on childcare so I can go and do my hobby. My thoughts are that if either my mum or my mil (who I get on very well with) are looking after my dc, then they're essentially allowed to do what they like (within reason obvs! I did get upset at the accidental hair cutting incident!).

There have been times I've come to pick up to discover they've eaten lunch at 11.30 or dd is in the pool and I have to be somewhere. However, I suck it up and get on with it as this is what having your children looked after by relatives entails.

You need to lighten up I'm afraid. If your mil wants to treat her grandchild to fish and chips, let her. She's looking after him and it's special time between them.

Your dh on the other hand...

You’re right - it’s all about mil trying to exercise her control because she fathoms herself to be the queen bee of another woman’s nest

Wasn't it the other way around stormi, the op was telling the mother in law what to do in her own home...🤣

I just cannot get my head round having this sort of battle over a 12 year old’s dinner. If he was 5, possibly. But 12?

It's not about the dinner though is it? The fish and chips were irrelevant. The OP feels like she's undermined very regularly by her MIL and her DH stands by and says nothing.

OP go and speak to MIL. Explain how you feel by her continually disregarding your views and see if you can reach a solution.

The OP feels like she's undermined very regularly by her MIL and her DH stands by and says nothing

Doesn't much of that depend on what sort of things the op is being undermined on? If it's like this, where it's fish and chips, I can see why the husband might be not agreeing with her and I can see why the mother in law doesn't either. If it's sensible things, then yes the op needs to resolve it, but if it's all when the op is being a bit daft , not so much.

To be fair though op, free childcare on tap isn't something to be sniffed at. Escpecially if it's reliable and from someone who cares about the children.

When the new baby comes you'd probably pay the woman to take her grandson and feed him fish and chips 🤣