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Original poster

Row with Mother in law

483 replies

Mckenzie123 · 15/08/2018 13:59

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!...
I need some advice on a situation that arose between my MIL and I a few days ago.
To start from the beginning, I met my husband when I was 19. He was 26 and already had a child that was 3. He was a single parent as his ex partner had chosen not to be in the child’s life. This meant that when our relationship became official, I took on the role of step mum to the little one and decided that if I was going to do this I would raise the child as if he was my own and nothing less. That was 9 years ago and I have since fully adopted my step son (who I’ve referred to as my son for years) and I am now 18 weeks pregnant with my first after years of struggling with fertility issues.
My MIL and husband have a very close relationship as most mothers and sons do. My MIL can be a nice person but she is very intimidating and opinionated if she doesn’t agree with something that I want for my son. We haven’t had many disagreements over the years but the worst part about it is that my husband never sticks up for me when we do. My MIL is very much all about showering ds with love and affection (which we all want) and making out as though she knows him better than I do. She undermines me all the time and feeds ds junk food and rubbish whenever he spends time with her which is a lot as we have had to rely on her help because of work commitments. I have tried to raise this with her on a few occasions but she gets defensive and nasty about it. Cue the drama that unfolded this week... ds was to stay at her house for the night as it’s half term and she suggested that they get fish and chips for tea. Usually I wouldn’t mind as a treat however my husband had treated ds to a McDonald’s breakfast that morning. I objected and offered her food to take from my house for her to cook. She flat out refused and still said that she would be getting fish and chips. As a final attempt I then offered to cook for my ds and then drop him over to her house later on once he had had his tea. My husband then told me to ‘shut up and stop being funny about it’ and my MIL stormed out - I admit I was so angry in the end after my husband said what he said I did lose my temper and bit and told them to do what they like. My husband chased my MIL out of the house with ds in tow and told her it was fine. Before I could do anything my MIL had driven off with my ds. My husband and I had a huge row because he accused me of being ‘funny’ with her when all I was trying to do was offer to cook for my ds without being too confrontational. I therefore decided that enough was enough and drove to MIL’s house to pick my son up and take him home. By the time I got there she’d already got him the fish and chips so I felt I couldn’t just take it away from right underneath him. She said some horrible things and I told her that I was sick of being undermined and I was finally sticking up for myself. My reasoning was just that - is she going to think she can do the same when my new baby gets here?!
Basically I want to know if I am/was being unreasonable? I haven’t heard from her since the row and I am just so hurt and upset that my MIL and husband both did what they did. I am just so done with being walked all over and I want to be respected for the mum that I am. I can’t talk to my husband about it because he will just defend her 🙁

OP posts:
Stormi12 · 15/08/2018 21:22

Adoption is legally binding. Grandmother would never get custody. She may get access by grandparent rights; but child stays with the parent.

Op I hope you’re still around and know that people support you! It gets tiresome being undermined left right and centre and anyone of us is bound to blow their top sooner or later.

HotblackDesiatoto · 15/08/2018 21:23

Starch, some proteine, salt and a lot of fat. How is that not junk food?

You conveniently ignored the actual FOOD. Fish: good for you. Potatoes: good for your. Both packed full of healthy things. Fat: not nearly as bad for you as you think. Salt: now known to be perfectly fine for healthy people over the age of 5.

Get with it, update your knowledge, don't be so obvious.

FrayedHem · 15/08/2018 21:23

I think grandparents can apply to have court ordered access and the courts will take into account their previous involvement with the child. I think a grandparent being awarded PR/or residency would be a social-services level involvement, not just because they've had a falling out over fish.

Clairetree1 · 15/08/2018 21:26

Adoption is legally binding. Grandmother would never get custody

I've seen it happen three times

MeyMary · 15/08/2018 21:26

Adoption is legally binding. Grandmother would never get custody. She may get access by grandparent rights; but child stays with the parent.

What a relief.

Or else I'd never even consider moving back to the UK (where DH and I met/DH is from. And I actually really enjoyed living there)...Shock

MeyMary · 15/08/2018 21:27

I've seen it happen three times

Under what kind of circumstances?

Stormi12 · 15/08/2018 21:29

I don’t believe you clairetree. You sound confused when spewing out random baseless facts.

If children were removed it was due to an aggravating factor like alcohol abuse, sexual abuse, unsafe conditions.

SaucyJack · 15/08/2018 21:30

“Da fuck did I just read?!?? I'm not seeing things, am I?“

But Claire is right?

With a standard adoption, people do it because they want a child to join their existing family, and so they go through an adoption agency to find a child in the care system without a family to join theirs.

With step-parents, it’s a partner they’re looking and they then adopt the child further to cement their legal status within their partners pre-existing family unit.

An adoptive step-parent doesn’t replace the child’s birth family in the way that a standard adoption does, and this is the mistake that the OP is making. She’s an addition to the kid’s Dad and Nan.

SaucyJack · 15/08/2018 21:30

*further down the line

Lizzie48 · 15/08/2018 21:32

I think the problem is that the term 'stepmum' has been overused these days, so that a short-term girlfriend could move in with a man who has DC from a previous relationship whom he only sees EOW, gets referred to as 'stepmum'. The OP's situation is very different, the birth mum isn't around and her DSS calls her 'Mum'.

I don't think the term should be used so indiscriminately.

MeyMary · 15/08/2018 21:33

With step-parents, it’s a partner they’re looking and they then adopt the child further to cement their legal status within their partners pre-existing family unit.

Or maybe because they love the child like their own and want to have the legal security and rights (for the child and themselves) of a legal parent?

lauryloo · 15/08/2018 21:35

OP this honestly sounds like me when I was pregnant

I fell out with my mil all the time

Bluelady · 15/08/2018 21:35

I don't think OP said he calls her Mum.

SaucyJack · 15/08/2018 21:38

You’re not disagreeing with me MeyMary.

Lizzie48 · 15/08/2018 21:40

I don't think it's that many, @Clairetree1 from what I have read, although I take your point that some adopted walk away, and that wouldn't be included in the stats. But relationships with birth children break down, too.

It's not surprising that there are breakdowns, as it can get very tough, and there are times when you're almost at breaking point.

It's still not most adoptions. If you'd said that a lot of adoptions break down, I would have agreed with you. I think it's sad you're so negative about adoption, though, considering you're an adoptive mum yourself.

Lizzie48 · 15/08/2018 21:48

No, now I look at the* opening post, the OP doesn't spell it out that her DSS calls her Mum. But she refers to him as her DS and has done for years, so it appears likely. I don't know whether the OP* will be back to clarify, sadly?

Her DSS's birth mum isn't on the scene at all, so she has been his mum for years. Children normally call their stepmums by the first name because their birth mum is the one bringing them up and the one they consider as their mum. That isn't the case here.

Original poster
Mckenzie123 · 15/08/2018 22:00

Clairetree1

I didn’t adopt my son for my own gain. I adopted him because he asked me to which was one of the best days of my life and such an honour. To suggest that I adopted him as a ‘legal claim’ is not fair at all. I love him with all of my heart and it has nothing to do with ‘trumping’ his nan.

OP posts:
26mcjrfm · 15/08/2018 22:06

Clairetree1 you do realise that she has adopted her son, therefore is the mother. And if something happened her DH, she would have custody?

She lives and parents her son full time, I assume the grandmother looks after him occasionally. Therefore, in my opinion, she knows her son more than MIL. She has spent 9 years being his mother.

Lizzie48 · 15/08/2018 22:11

That's lovely, @Mckenzie123. Don't take any notice of the haters. Some posters are determined to see stepmums in the worst possible light.

You clearly have a great relationship with your DS, hold onto that. ThanksThanks

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/08/2018 22:14

You don't have to justify yourself OP.

How are you feeling now?

Original poster
Mckenzie123 · 15/08/2018 22:34

Wow I didn’t realise that my situation would have caused all of this! I was just looking for a bit of advice on how to resolve it! Confused
My intentions were in the right place and it had nothing to do with me thinking I am more important than my MIL or husband. I just simply wanted to be heard and respected but once again I was left embarrassed and hurt in front on ds. This was the reason why I blew my top because I’d been made to look a fool in front of him. I felt I had to show a bit of strength and stand up for myself for once so that ds didn’t think I could be walked all over.
I always always always support decisions my husband makes when it comes to our son but unfortunately I can’t say the same for him. My MIL is extremely overpowering and does undermine me almost on a daily basis (for the record, it wasn’t one day of junk food that she would be giving him this is the norm despite my wishes).
For those questioning the McDonald’s breakfast, I did not get this for my son my husband did. This was a treat for helping him at work for a few hours that morning which I see no issue with. And I also see absolutely no issue with him having takeaway so long as it isn’t all the time. I wasn’t raised that way and I will not raise my children that way.
But as many of you have noticed, this was the straw that broke the camels back and I know what I have to do now.

In regards to the adoption, there is a complex back story here but despite what some of you obviously think I love my ds exactly how I would love any biological child of mine - I see no difference and we have a wonderful relationship. Whoever suggested that it was weird that I referred to my pregnancy as my first... it is just that. I’ve never been pregnant before and this is my first biological child.

Thank you for all of your comments, the good and the bad.

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 15/08/2018 22:34

I must admit we all have 'Nanas house Nanas rules' with ours lol.

I keep a packet of Bourbon biscuits hidden for my 11 year old grandson lol. His treat when he's with me.

The little ones get to do things they don't do at home too. Like jumping in the pool clothed

My kids/kids in law just know I won't harm or damage them, even the separated ones. They trust me. I managed to raise them after all. I suppose if it offended them they simply wouldn't come anymore. They all do though.

ThriceThriceThice · 15/08/2018 22:45

I don’t know when the OP last posted - but she seems to have dropped out of th thread.

OP - the general consensus is that you overreacted here - but that there were probably reasons for that. It’s OK - well all lose our cool sometimes.

But now that you are expecting a new baby Flowers having a harmonious relationship with DH, DS and DMIL will be important for you - so if you need specific advice, let us know. Wishing you all the best for your new baby.

FrayedHem · 15/08/2018 22:51

Mckenzie123 I hope you're able to work this out with your OH and MIL.

BlueberryPud · 15/08/2018 23:05

No reason he needs childcare at this age

Maybe he doesn't see it as childcare. Maybe he'd rather visit his gm while his parents are out at work than stay home alone.