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Original poster

Row with Mother in law

483 replies

Mckenzie123 · 15/08/2018 13:59

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!...
I need some advice on a situation that arose between my MIL and I a few days ago.
To start from the beginning, I met my husband when I was 19. He was 26 and already had a child that was 3. He was a single parent as his ex partner had chosen not to be in the child’s life. This meant that when our relationship became official, I took on the role of step mum to the little one and decided that if I was going to do this I would raise the child as if he was my own and nothing less. That was 9 years ago and I have since fully adopted my step son (who I’ve referred to as my son for years) and I am now 18 weeks pregnant with my first after years of struggling with fertility issues.
My MIL and husband have a very close relationship as most mothers and sons do. My MIL can be a nice person but she is very intimidating and opinionated if she doesn’t agree with something that I want for my son. We haven’t had many disagreements over the years but the worst part about it is that my husband never sticks up for me when we do. My MIL is very much all about showering ds with love and affection (which we all want) and making out as though she knows him better than I do. She undermines me all the time and feeds ds junk food and rubbish whenever he spends time with her which is a lot as we have had to rely on her help because of work commitments. I have tried to raise this with her on a few occasions but she gets defensive and nasty about it. Cue the drama that unfolded this week... ds was to stay at her house for the night as it’s half term and she suggested that they get fish and chips for tea. Usually I wouldn’t mind as a treat however my husband had treated ds to a McDonald’s breakfast that morning. I objected and offered her food to take from my house for her to cook. She flat out refused and still said that she would be getting fish and chips. As a final attempt I then offered to cook for my ds and then drop him over to her house later on once he had had his tea. My husband then told me to ‘shut up and stop being funny about it’ and my MIL stormed out - I admit I was so angry in the end after my husband said what he said I did lose my temper and bit and told them to do what they like. My husband chased my MIL out of the house with ds in tow and told her it was fine. Before I could do anything my MIL had driven off with my ds. My husband and I had a huge row because he accused me of being ‘funny’ with her when all I was trying to do was offer to cook for my ds without being too confrontational. I therefore decided that enough was enough and drove to MIL’s house to pick my son up and take him home. By the time I got there she’d already got him the fish and chips so I felt I couldn’t just take it away from right underneath him. She said some horrible things and I told her that I was sick of being undermined and I was finally sticking up for myself. My reasoning was just that - is she going to think she can do the same when my new baby gets here?!
Basically I want to know if I am/was being unreasonable? I haven’t heard from her since the row and I am just so hurt and upset that my MIL and husband both did what they did. I am just so done with being walked all over and I want to be respected for the mum that I am. I can’t talk to my husband about it because he will just defend her 🙁

OP posts:
MeyMary · 15/08/2018 20:49

Well disregard your shock and try to learn something about food then, because you are dead wrong.

Starch, some proteine, salt and a lot of fat. How is that not junk food?Confused

SalemBlackCat · 15/08/2018 20:51

@HotblackDesiatoto
"Well disregard your shock and try to learn something about food then, because you are dead wrong."

Really? Try Googling. I think you will find you are the one that is dead wrong.

Bluelady · 15/08/2018 20:52

I'd be very interested to see where this boy's loyalties lie in a few years' time.

Nanny0gg · 15/08/2018 20:53

So Clairetree1, all those adoptive parents out there have fewer rights over their children than the children's birth grandparents?

What a load of rot.

They are their parents legally and have full PR.

End of story.

SalemBlackCat · 15/08/2018 20:57

@Clairetree1 "whereas most adoptions ultimately fail"

Are you serious? Where are your stats for this?

Stormi12 · 15/08/2018 20:58

Clairetree is full of hot air. She must be a grandmother in law who thinks she’s in control of her grandkids.

She’s like trump with her fake news.

Teaandcrisps · 15/08/2018 21:01

You have a child on the way and have been mum to DSS. The dynamic is different now and you are laying a boundary line with MIL that perhaps you couldn't have done with DSS. Go with it, its natural and your DH now needs to step up. YANBU.

BlueGlasses · 15/08/2018 21:04

Massive overreaction. You need to apologise.

Thatsfuckingshit · 15/08/2018 21:05

Yes, she IS the person, next to the father, who has the power over the child. The grandmother is just that, a grandmother. She has no legal nor moral right nor power. The OP does. The OP is his MOTHER.

Yes op is his mother. However as you say, the father is equal. The father said this was ok. The op blew up and followed mum to her house. That's Batshit crazy. Over bloody fish and chips.

Lots are saying it's the straw that broke the camel's back. Maybe it was for her dh and MIL. Why are so many assuming it's the MIL that regularly overstep the line? Perhaps the OP is acting like this is the regular occurance.

I can not believe someone would act like this and not know that they were unreasonable.

Lizzie48 · 15/08/2018 21:05

It's completely untrue, @SalemBlackCat yes, there are some that do, I mentioned 20% as a stat I read a few years ago. But even that would mean that 80% don't fail. And I suspect it's probably quite similar with birth families, just think about how many really sad threads you see on the Relationships board and on here.

A lot of adoptions are very challenging, however; we're having a lot of difficulties with our DD1 right now. This is mostly because of what happened prior to the adoption. The birth family failed the child in the first place, sometimes because of issues beyond their ability to cope with, but nevertheless, the birth family were unable to look after them.

SalemBlackCat · 15/08/2018 21:06

"because he was there

for her own agenda

this is not someone who decided to foster/adopt, went through assessment and matching.

This was someone who's partner happened to have a child, and she decided to adopt them, for her own reasons, for her own gratification."

Da fuck did I just read?!?? I'm not seeing things, am I? Confused Shock Shock

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/08/2018 21:07

NannyOgg
According to Clairetree that’s different because those adoptive parents have gone through screening, eligibility tests etc. Therefore they are entitled to have unequivocal PR.

It’s ridiculous. A deadbeat father unless stripped of his rights has PR. Yet Clairetree isn’t getting that logic.

Lizzie48 · 15/08/2018 21:10

Obviously it's not the same as someone applying to adopt and being approved by Social Services. But in legal terms, the OP has as same legal status as adoptive mum as I do. The law doesn't have 2 tiers of adoption rights.

Thatsfuckingshit · 15/08/2018 21:11

And actually it WAS the OP that undermined the grandmother. The grandmother said fish and chips for tea, the OP stepped in and tried to over rule her.

The MIL wasn't overruling the OP at that point. She mad a suggestion and the OP forbade her. For no real reason, then followed her to her house. Even though her dh, the childs other parent was fine with it. ridiculous.

The dh does not have to back his wife if he disagrees with her , especially when she is acting like the OP.

FrayedHem · 15/08/2018 21:12

I think some people just have a goad for every occasion.

I've known one couple do the step-parent adoption. They had home visits and reports by a social worker etc. It wasn't like they went on the internet and printed out the adoption certificate.

SalemBlackCat · 15/08/2018 21:15

@Lizzie48 Thanks for that, so at 80% that is is an overwhelming majority that succeed. That's good.

Clairetree1 · 15/08/2018 21:15

The grandmother is just that, a grandmother. She has no legal nor moral right nor power. The OP does. The OP is his MOTHER.

which brings me back to what I was saying earlier about custody

In the event of the fathers death, the grandmother would be well within her rights to challenge the OP for custody.

That's why I was talking about custody, as a demonstration that the OP does not in fact have automatic legal or moral rights over him that trump the grandmothers, not in these circumstances.

MeyMary · 15/08/2018 21:16

In the event of the fathers death, the grandmother would be well within her rights to challenge the OP for custody.

Is that actually the case in the UK?

SalemBlackCat · 15/08/2018 21:18

"In the event of the fathers death, the grandmother would be well within her rights to challenge the OP for custody."

She would have no more rights than any other grandchild, surely? And in the OP, would have no less rights than any other mother, surely?

DesertSky · 15/08/2018 21:18

Def think there are deeper rooted problems here. Please don’t flame me Blush but I expect you’re probably feeling a bit more sensitive because of pregnant hormones too which ignited things.
OP, it is the holidays and it’s just one day. Grandparents do tend to treat/overindulge their grandkids. I agree, if it’s happening regularly and they are going against your wishes then I can understand your frustration. I think you all behaved badly in front of your son tbh and he isn’t a little baby anymore to not be aware of the strained situation and fighting over him like a toy (pulling him back/forth).
I think you need to have a good chat with your partner when you’re feeling calmer and explain how you feel sided against. He needs to back you up when it’s important. But I think on the whole in this given situation, it was a big overreaction. Your son is soon going to have to get used to sharing his parents after being the only child for quite some time, I feel he’s probably allowed to be a bit spoilt! Far worse things than fish and chips.
I hope peace is resumed soon and you can restore your relationship with in laws, especially if you rely on them for childcare.
Enjoy your pregnancy and this time with your son before baby arrives Smile

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/08/2018 21:18

In the event of the fathers death, the grandmother would be well within her rights to challenge the OP for custody

Why? The OP has adopted this child legally. She's his mother. I can't imagine the grandma would be able to overturn the adoption.

MeyMary · 15/08/2018 21:19

The OP is the mother.

Grandparents are important but do they actually have legal rights that may potentially rival a (mentally healthy and non-abusive) parent?

SalemBlackCat · 15/08/2018 21:19

*Grandmother, sorry. Not grandchild.

HotblackDesiatoto · 15/08/2018 21:20

The grandmother is just that, a grandmother. She has no legal nor moral right nor power. The OP does. The OP is his MOTHER

Pretty sure she has the right to decide what she and her guests have for dinner in her own house, wouldn't you agree?

Clairetree1 · 15/08/2018 21:21

"whereas most adoptions ultimately fail"

Are you serious? Where are your stats for this?

yes I am serious. More than a quarter of adopted children are given up, and far more than that walk away of their own accord when they are old enough.

This is not a secret.