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AIBU?

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Original poster

Row with Mother in law

483 replies

Mckenzie123 · 15/08/2018 13:59

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!...
I need some advice on a situation that arose between my MIL and I a few days ago.
To start from the beginning, I met my husband when I was 19. He was 26 and already had a child that was 3. He was a single parent as his ex partner had chosen not to be in the child’s life. This meant that when our relationship became official, I took on the role of step mum to the little one and decided that if I was going to do this I would raise the child as if he was my own and nothing less. That was 9 years ago and I have since fully adopted my step son (who I’ve referred to as my son for years) and I am now 18 weeks pregnant with my first after years of struggling with fertility issues.
My MIL and husband have a very close relationship as most mothers and sons do. My MIL can be a nice person but she is very intimidating and opinionated if she doesn’t agree with something that I want for my son. We haven’t had many disagreements over the years but the worst part about it is that my husband never sticks up for me when we do. My MIL is very much all about showering ds with love and affection (which we all want) and making out as though she knows him better than I do. She undermines me all the time and feeds ds junk food and rubbish whenever he spends time with her which is a lot as we have had to rely on her help because of work commitments. I have tried to raise this with her on a few occasions but she gets defensive and nasty about it. Cue the drama that unfolded this week... ds was to stay at her house for the night as it’s half term and she suggested that they get fish and chips for tea. Usually I wouldn’t mind as a treat however my husband had treated ds to a McDonald’s breakfast that morning. I objected and offered her food to take from my house for her to cook. She flat out refused and still said that she would be getting fish and chips. As a final attempt I then offered to cook for my ds and then drop him over to her house later on once he had had his tea. My husband then told me to ‘shut up and stop being funny about it’ and my MIL stormed out - I admit I was so angry in the end after my husband said what he said I did lose my temper and bit and told them to do what they like. My husband chased my MIL out of the house with ds in tow and told her it was fine. Before I could do anything my MIL had driven off with my ds. My husband and I had a huge row because he accused me of being ‘funny’ with her when all I was trying to do was offer to cook for my ds without being too confrontational. I therefore decided that enough was enough and drove to MIL’s house to pick my son up and take him home. By the time I got there she’d already got him the fish and chips so I felt I couldn’t just take it away from right underneath him. She said some horrible things and I told her that I was sick of being undermined and I was finally sticking up for myself. My reasoning was just that - is she going to think she can do the same when my new baby gets here?!
Basically I want to know if I am/was being unreasonable? I haven’t heard from her since the row and I am just so hurt and upset that my MIL and husband both did what they did. I am just so done with being walked all over and I want to be respected for the mum that I am. I can’t talk to my husband about it because he will just defend her 🙁

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/08/2018 20:17

Oh yes of course thanks Frayedhem. I was thinking it meant she was pregnant with her second not this was her second.

Long day Smile

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/08/2018 20:17

Bluntness
I agree, this is far more of a two mums scenario. It definitely shouldn’t be parents / grandparents fighting for a piece of him. By this sort of age, I would imagine - hope - he’d tell op he is staying put and having the sleepover. I know I would never have done this as a child. But the way we are bringing children up these days is to have a voice.

Bertrand
A partner shouldn’t automatically back up the other. No. Dh and I certainly don’t when we disagree with dd for example. But we do ave eachothers backs. Telling op to shut up is the thing I take issue with. However op should never have chosen this argument if in fact she does feel undermined as has already been discussed. I would hope having 2 mums/ mum figures (grandma and op) that he now feels more secure and those people shouldn’t be rowing in front of him each trying to have a piece of him.

I also think 3/5 makes it a health food. 😁

FrayedHem · 15/08/2018 20:23

BlueberryPud because we don't know when the child's birth mother left or stopped having any contact. And does childcare provided by grandparents mean they are raising their grandchildren? I've not said they won't have a close bond. I know a grandparent who is raising their grandchildren with no contact from the birth parents, and it's different to providing childcare from where I'm sitting.

SalemBlackCat · 15/08/2018 20:25

Haven't read the full thread yet, but I am a bit shocked that people consider fish and chips not junk food. Where I am it is considered greasy takeaway, ie artery clogging and not a good choice. Especially the chips. If it was grilled or crumbed fish, then, yeah, fish is healthy. But if you add in batter and deap-frying chips, all that oil and fat. Not my idea of 'healthy' food at all, and I do admit I love some fish and chips, but I do recognise that it is what it is, greasy unhealthy takeaway.

Regardless, you are his mother and have legal rights, she has his grandmother, has none (or at least very little). Being undermined is a very frustrating feeling, and you and your husband really need to have a serious talk.

There was another point; he is 12. Many kids that age are 'latch key kids' ie home by themselves after school for like, 3 hours (which is not much), do their homework and often at least in my experience, help by starting to get the dinner ready for parent/s to finish when they come home. Many 12 year olds are babysitting after school, then get home, greet their parents etc. I don't see why he needs to have child care at his age, unless there are health/developmental problems. So perhaps its time to cut her childcare right down/out, or at least start a gradual phase out. He is 12, and I presume in high school or about to be? No reason he needs childcare at this age.

Lizzie48 · 15/08/2018 20:27

I have no doubt that the grandmother had a very key role when her DGS was small, and that would have made her a mother figure.

It was like this for my DSis actually. Her DH's XW had left him and his DS and his ex MIL did a lot of the childcare. She even had a key to their house, which obviously my DSis objected to once they were together. But she was very careful not to tread on any toes, despite the fact that she was his primary carer for some years.

There was a key difference, though. Her DSS had a relationship with his DM as he stayed with her and her new partner EOW, hence he called my DSis by her first name and not Mum.

I know she found it stressful, as she used to tell me how she felt regularly.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 15/08/2018 20:27

Haven't read the full thread yet, but I am a bit shocked that people consider fish and chips not junk food

It’s not healthy but it’s no worse that a McD breakfast which the parents had supplied on the same day, and probably better really

Bluelady · 15/08/2018 20:28

Childcare provided by grandparents doesn't normally mean they're raising their grandchildren but in this case with no Mother around, it seems highly likely that Granny was doing exactly that for the first three years.

MeyMary · 15/08/2018 20:29

@FrayedHem

I assume that means the 12 year old (who she adopted) is her first child and the new baby will be the 2nd.

Yes, that's exactly what I meant. Thank you for clarifying it :)

I just feel like that the phrasing ("pregnant with my first") was pretty weird. Especially when this thread is at least partially about the OP's role and behaviour as a mother to her son.

Some mushy pees won't change that.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/08/2018 20:30

Fish and chips isn't the healthiest but occasionally it's ok if the rest of your diet is balanced.

MeyMary · 15/08/2018 20:32

Haven't read the full thread yet, but I am a bit shocked that people consider fish and chips not junk food

Same. It's imo pretty much exactly like going to McDonald's as far as the nutritional value of the meal is concerned... (Unless you order a salad, I suppose.)

Newbabies15 · 15/08/2018 20:33

She does trump the grandmother! Op has rights that the grandmother does not. Op is being disrespected.

FrayedHem · 15/08/2018 20:33

@MeyMary I think it's just one of those awkward to phrase things, rather than the OP not considering her 12 year old son to be her first. That this will be the first sibling/is her first pregnancy after a lot of fertility issues, but I don't think there was any sinister psychology behind it.

Bluelady · 15/08/2018 20:34

You do all realise you can get all the fruit and vegetables you need without having them at every meal?

tenredthings · 15/08/2018 20:36

Watching his mum and grans' dramatic argument was worse for this child's wellbeing than a plate of fish and chips.

Clairetree1 · 15/08/2018 20:36

She does trump the grandmother! Op has rights that the grandmother does not. Op is being disrespected.

I disagree.

Op has a piece of paper. That's all

The granny said yes, the boys father said yes, the OP said no. Two people with equal or more weight than the OP said yes.

She had no reason to say no, and she was outvoted anyway.

she had no right to try and insist

Bluntness100 · 15/08/2018 20:37

As said I also think there is a potential the grandmother had a key role in raising this child. And the op only met her husband when the child was three and she was 19. She wouldn't have been mum from day one. She also works, and says the grandmother does child care, so suspect this has been throughout this child's life.

Either way if this child and his gran do have a strong bond, which I strongly think they do, the op would do better to embrace the grandmother, not fight her, to respect what she's done for rhe child and to respect their relationship.

Becayse she won't win. The child will make his feelings clear and the husband won't loose his son and mother.

As such, the op needs to play smarter, because what she described in the op was just ridiculous behaviour. It was clearly a power struggle but even if she dragged this poor boy home, and won the battle, she's already lost the war.

MeyMary · 15/08/2018 20:38

@FrayedHem

I agree. This was probably just that and not a case of her (subconsciously) having these kinds of thoughts.

Just wanted to point it out (also because she may accidentally use the same phrasing around her DS. Which would be extremely unfortunate imo.)

BertrandRussell · 15/08/2018 20:39

As I said. A child abandoned by his mother is very likely to have issues that his adopted mother and grandmother squabbling over a fish supper will not help.

Bluntness100 · 15/08/2018 20:39

The granny said yes, the boys father said yes, the OP said no. Two people with equal or more weight than the OP said yes. She had no reason to say no, and she was outvoted anyway

This is it basically. It was a pointless fight she took. There was no need for it and it wasn't fair on the child. He was going for a sleep over at his grans and getting fish and chips. She'd no need to get her arse in her hands.

MeyMary · 15/08/2018 20:41

You do all realise you can get all the fruit and vegetables you need without having them at every meal?

Yes. But it's not just about getting enough vegetables and fruits. (Although that is certainly very important.)

It's also about not getting too much of certain things. Or just too much food/ too many calories in general...

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/08/2018 20:41

But it's not just about the fish supper. There will be much more to this. The OP feels undermined and that her DH doesn't support her. She's been part of this boy's life for 9 years so surely deserves some respect and acknowledgment from MIL?

Member869894 · 15/08/2018 20:44

you behaved in a ridiculous manner and should apologise

Bluelady · 15/08/2018 20:45

Maybe both OP and MiL should do that, Duck.

HotblackDesiatoto · 15/08/2018 20:47

but I am a bit shocked that people consider fish and chips not junk food

Well disregard your shock and try to learn something about food then, because you are dead wrong.

She does trump the grandmother! Op has rights that the grandmother does not. Op is being disrespected

in the GM's house when the GM has the boy? She has no rights on what they have for dinner, and respect doesn't come into it.

SalemBlackCat · 15/08/2018 20:49

@Clairetree1 "She is acting as if she is the person who should have power over the child, but actually she isn't."
Yes, she IS the person, next to the father, who has the power over the child. The grandmother is just that, a grandmother. She has no legal nor moral right nor power. The OP does. The OP is his MOTHER.