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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Row with Mother in law

483 replies

Mckenzie123 · 15/08/2018 13:59

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!...
I need some advice on a situation that arose between my MIL and I a few days ago.
To start from the beginning, I met my husband when I was 19. He was 26 and already had a child that was 3. He was a single parent as his ex partner had chosen not to be in the child’s life. This meant that when our relationship became official, I took on the role of step mum to the little one and decided that if I was going to do this I would raise the child as if he was my own and nothing less. That was 9 years ago and I have since fully adopted my step son (who I’ve referred to as my son for years) and I am now 18 weeks pregnant with my first after years of struggling with fertility issues.
My MIL and husband have a very close relationship as most mothers and sons do. My MIL can be a nice person but she is very intimidating and opinionated if she doesn’t agree with something that I want for my son. We haven’t had many disagreements over the years but the worst part about it is that my husband never sticks up for me when we do. My MIL is very much all about showering ds with love and affection (which we all want) and making out as though she knows him better than I do. She undermines me all the time and feeds ds junk food and rubbish whenever he spends time with her which is a lot as we have had to rely on her help because of work commitments. I have tried to raise this with her on a few occasions but she gets defensive and nasty about it. Cue the drama that unfolded this week... ds was to stay at her house for the night as it’s half term and she suggested that they get fish and chips for tea. Usually I wouldn’t mind as a treat however my husband had treated ds to a McDonald’s breakfast that morning. I objected and offered her food to take from my house for her to cook. She flat out refused and still said that she would be getting fish and chips. As a final attempt I then offered to cook for my ds and then drop him over to her house later on once he had had his tea. My husband then told me to ‘shut up and stop being funny about it’ and my MIL stormed out - I admit I was so angry in the end after my husband said what he said I did lose my temper and bit and told them to do what they like. My husband chased my MIL out of the house with ds in tow and told her it was fine. Before I could do anything my MIL had driven off with my ds. My husband and I had a huge row because he accused me of being ‘funny’ with her when all I was trying to do was offer to cook for my ds without being too confrontational. I therefore decided that enough was enough and drove to MIL’s house to pick my son up and take him home. By the time I got there she’d already got him the fish and chips so I felt I couldn’t just take it away from right underneath him. She said some horrible things and I told her that I was sick of being undermined and I was finally sticking up for myself. My reasoning was just that - is she going to think she can do the same when my new baby gets here?!
Basically I want to know if I am/was being unreasonable? I haven’t heard from her since the row and I am just so hurt and upset that my MIL and husband both did what they did. I am just so done with being walked all over and I want to be respected for the mum that I am. I can’t talk to my husband about it because he will just defend her 🙁

OP posts:

Clairetree1 · 15/08/2018 19:31

The OP isn't just the stepmum here, she ADOPTED her DS.

because he was there

for her own agenda

this is not someone who decided to foster/adopt, went through assessment and matching.

This was someone who's partner happened to have a child, and she decided to adopt them, for her own reasons, for her own gratification.

This does not in any way displace the grandmother.

come on, we will mostly be grandparents one day! Some total stranger enters into your grandchild's life, just because they are the partner of your son, and when the boy is 6 or so, and you hvae already been caring for him for 6 years, this new person gets a piece of paper to say she is more important than you?

I don't think it works like that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/08/2018 19:34

Fuck me Bluntness. He’s now had 2 of his 5 a day. It’s official fish and chips with accoutrements is practically a health food.

Lizzie48 · 15/08/2018 19:36

@Clairetree1

You think nearly all adoptions fail? And yet you're an adoptive mum, you say, are you therefore expecting yours to fail? Because that would be very sad indeed.

From what I've read, about 20% of adoptions fail, which is too many, but not nearly all.

And the OP isn't some random who is in her DS's life, she's been his mum since he was a toddler. So she's in it for the long haul.

Lizzie48 · 15/08/2018 19:38

She's been in his life for 9 years. When does she stop being a stranger in your opinion? My DSis has been in her DSS's life for 10 years and is very much a permanent fixture.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/08/2018 19:38

Clairetree
Op fell in love with her dh. She may love him even more because of his son then decided to adopt him to ensure he feels loved, secure and as though he belongs. You make it sound as though op thinks she’s bought a new sex toy for her own gratification. 🙄

SaucyJack · 15/08/2018 19:40

Add a pineapple fritter and we’re up to 3/5.....

I don’t think I disagree with you Clairetree. It’s nice that’s the OP has made the relationship official, but I don’t personally believe step-parent adoptive relationships are on the same footing as they are with kids who’ve been removed/surrendered by their bio parents into the care system.

This kid has existing relationships with his perfectly normal and functioning father and Nan. Trying to get into some power struggle with them will not end well for the OP.

He is a person in his own right.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/08/2018 19:43

You may be pregnant for the first time. But you're pregnant with your 2nd, aren't you?

What's that mean?

Bluntness100 · 15/08/2018 19:44

There could be a further back story here.

The op was only 19 when she met her husband, the child was three and in the fathers sole custody, which would indicate possibly the grandmother was heavily involved in raising rhe child as the father worked.

In addition if we assume it's a couple of years after meeting before the op and the husband decide to become official and she becomes mum, the gran could have been raising this child pretty much till the age of five.

If she's then continued to do childcare as the op and her husband both work, then the grandmother could very well be a mother figure to this boy.

If That's thr case it could explain the ops Sour feeling that she's not respected as mum, and why the father wouldn't cause a rift with his mother due to what she's done for the boy and their relationship, and certainly not over fish and chips. This woman may have basically raised him from a baby and their relationship may be much more than a normal grandparent grand child one.

However on the flip side if that is the case, then it would be very cruel for her to take him away from his sleep over with his gran.

That's not love. You put your child first as a parent. And in this instance the op has failed to do that.

Lollypop701 · 15/08/2018 19:46

@claretree1 ???? Adopt a child for her own gratification ???? Wtaf? I have 2 kids, and whilst I love them they are hard work and expensive. Op fell in love with her Dp, and by extension his dc. They are a family. Family is not only blood. My husband is family, I adopted him via marriage!!!! Op adopting him is a legal promise that she won’t walk out on dc, unlike birth mum. Op does trump dgm... she’s raising him. The problem here is dp..... in a marriage you present a United front... if you don’t agree you talk it through till you can agree even if it’s a compromise. So he is undermining his pregnant wife to their dc and dgm ... not ok.
Op in this occasion yabu over the fish n chips. but it sounds like this is just the straw that broke the back etc. Ask your husband how he would feel if you overroad his decisions? Doesn’t matter the reason, you ignored him and did what you wanted? Obs ok as he did it? and you can do this with new baby and ignore dgm? If he wants his family to last, he has to put you first. It will be hard for him as his mum was Obs a huge support with dc, but things have moved on. Good luck

HotblackDesiatoto · 15/08/2018 19:46

I honestly think people who feed their kids healthy food get judged way more than those who feed junk all the time

It was the parents who gave him the junk food: McDonalds! The granny gave him fish and chips, which is not junk food.

And when someone is looking after your kid for you, they decide what to feed them, not you. If you want to contrl what they eat, you look after your own kid.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 15/08/2018 19:48

The problem here is dp..... in a marriage you present a United front... if you don’t agree you talk it through till you can agree even if it’s a compromise. So he is undermining his pregnant wife to their dc and dgm

So it wasn’t undermining the dad, who had said fish and chips was fine, when the OP stormed round to the MIL’s house?

llangennith · 15/08/2018 19:49

Agree with Bluntness100

lunar1 · 15/08/2018 19:49

The problem you have now is that you have picked the wrong battle. You were completely unreasonable to make such a fuss over a chippy. You've lost the moral high ground and are going to have to apologise and then try and talk through what the actual issues are. There must be a compromise somewhere.

BlueberryPud · 15/08/2018 19:53

Don’t let her have alone time

He's 12. He can make up his own mind.

Bluntness100 · 15/08/2018 19:53

Add a pineapple fritter and we’re up to 3/5.....

It's almost healthy. 🤣

MarmiteTermite · 15/08/2018 19:57

So ClaireTree1did you adopt your children for your own gratification? I certainly hope not

Clairetree1 · 15/08/2018 20:01

yes of course,

and their birth families have controlled access at long intervals, due to their previous behaviour.

But this grandmother has not behaved in a way that has lead to the courts deciding she is not a fit relative to have access to the child.

She has done nothing wrong at all

she has had no say or influence in this situation at all.

It is a totally different situation

BertrandRussell · 15/08/2018 20:01

It's important to remember that this is a boy who was abandoned by his mother. I have children who were abandoned by their mother in my immediate family, and they have issues, even as adults and need to be dealt with gently. It is absolutely not fair to row over trivialities in front of him with someone who he will have formed early attachments to. Unfair and potentially destructive.

And no, I really don't think a husband should automatically back up his wife whether he thinks she's right or wrong.

Clairetree1 · 15/08/2018 20:02

Thank you @saucyjack

just read your post, and you have expressed it so much better than me

FrayedHem · 15/08/2018 20:08

bluntness It's a bit much to suggest the grandmother raised the baby even if the things you assume (that the dad was working and the grandmother provided all the childcare) are true. I'm sure the grandson and grandmother do have a close relationship. And it would be understandable that there's boundary issues when she's been providing childcare - it's a common enough theme. I do think the OP overreacted and doubled-down on a bad decision. But I still think saying the grandmother raised her grandson is a stretch too far.

Lizzie48 · 15/08/2018 20:09

The OP's behaviour was unreasonable, and OTT certainly. But I think PPs are right that it was a long time coming, the final straw.

When things have calmed down, the three of you need to talk things through like adults. After you've talked with your DH, because therein lies your problem.

Bluelady · 15/08/2018 20:09

It's also likely MiL was the mother for at least the kid's first three years.

BlueberryPud · 15/08/2018 20:10

If I was this mil, I'd think OP was going out of her way to cause problems. I can't see why people think her dh should support her decision, when he disagrees with her.
What a massive fuss about nothing at all.

FrayedHem · 15/08/2018 20:13

You may be pregnant for the first time. But you're pregnant with your 2nd, aren't you?

What's that mean?

I assume that means the 12 year old (who she adopted) is her first child and the new baby will be the 2nd.

BlueberryPud · 15/08/2018 20:14

But I still think saying the grandmother raised her grandson is a stretch too far

Why? She was the closest thing to a mother he had, for 3 years.
I don't see how he can totally transfer that feeling to another person, with ease. He will no doubt have very close early bonding with his gm. I think OP should tread carefully in her dealings with her mil.

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