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Original poster

MIL suggests I miss my son’s second birthday party

350 replies

shesastupidcow · 14/08/2018 21:45

I’m not being u but didn’t know where to put this. There should be a section called Vent.

We’re moving and it’s DS’s birthday. Everything has gone wrong. DH called away with work, my car broke down on today’s tip and charity shop run, end of tenancy cleaners have pulled out because someone is sick... DS’s party was supposed to be at MIL’s at the weekend because we knew our place would be a state and when DH was talking to MIL tonight, saying he didn’t know how we’d get everything done and we were thinking we might not make the trip (DS is 2 and won’t care if we postpone his party) MIL suggested that I stay at home to sort out the mess and DH take DS to his second birthday party ON HIS OWN.

😡

Even DH, usually oblivious to his mother, was shocked.

OP posts:
HotblackDesiatoto · 15/08/2018 00:12

I’m self centred because I want to be with my two year old on his birthday

Thats not why. Its your disgusting and self centred attitude to your MIL thats the issue.

ShumpaLumpa · 15/08/2018 00:13

Hotblack

Can you give some example of OP's disgusting and self-centred attitude?

m0therofdragons · 15/08/2018 00:13

I never get this mn thing that birthdays don't matter if you're young or adult. No way would I be apart from my dc on their birthday.

I would see mil offer as a misjudged attempt at trying to be helpful and not something to get hung up about though.

HotblackDesiatoto · 15/08/2018 00:14

OP has already given many, why should I repeat them?

Perfectly1mperfect · 15/08/2018 00:14

Why should OP stay home and sort the problems out while DH enjoys a lovely family day? That is what makes it a peculiar suggestion.

She doesn't have to stay at home. It was presented an an option because OP/OPs husband have told MIL how busy they are. The MIL may have thought they were hinting at this.

RayneDance · 15/08/2018 00:15

Shumpa you have summed up what my posts tried to say.

Mil has shown how superfluous op is to her and the gc in her world. That's the crux of it.

Original poster
shesastupidcow · 15/08/2018 00:15

RayneDance Both dead. Sister lives a couple of hours away and is trying to get time off to help sort the new place. That’s the least of my worries though, unfortunately she can’t do this week.

OP posts:
ShumpaLumpa · 15/08/2018 00:17

Hotblack

OP has already given many, why should I repeat them?

You can't actually give any examples, can you? Grin

RayneDance · 15/08/2018 00:19

I'm sorry op Sad I think these things, comments etc matter less when you have your own family support. When they are gone, and you have a dc that balance has gone and lots of family events happen but only one side.

The fact you don't have your own parents anymore makes you that comment all the more hurtful. I think you struck the witching hour on here tonight Flowers

RayneDance · 15/08/2018 00:19
Gin
Perfectly1mperfect · 15/08/2018 00:21

I think MIL has just thought that practically it solves the problem. House/cleaning/tidying gets sorted and the child has his party. However she hasn't taken into account the emotional side of it which is most mums would not want to miss their child's birthday party.

OP, just put it down to her misjudging how you would feel about it and have another gin. Gin

Original poster
shesastupidcow · 15/08/2018 00:21

Posted too soon. DH is away when we are first in the new place, so will be grateful if sister can help.

The MIL may have thought they were hinting at this. We don't do hinting lol! DH would have just said one of us was coming on their own if that had ever crossed our minds which it wouldn’t.

OP posts:
ShumpaLumpa · 15/08/2018 00:21

Well said Rayne.

I'm sorry OP Flowers

I'm glad your DH isn't entertaining this nonsense.

HoppingPavlova · 15/08/2018 00:21

I still can’t believe that she suggested I miss his birthday. It might not be important to some to be with their LOs on their birthdays but it is to me. I’m shocked that some don’t care if they aren’t there!

Hard to believe someone is so easily shocked!
I would have viewed it as a perfectly sensible suggestion, although DH and I would have discussed which one of us was best off staying and doing what needed to be done and which one would go. From what you have written though it would seem obvious your DH would have been better placed to go as he has a car he can drive (which you cannot drive) and you can't get there. I'm sure MIL was clued into this background and it is why she suggested DH be the one who came. But let that not get in the way of the story about her being a sexist bitch. In fact, I would have fallen down and kissed her feet for making things a bit easier in this regard but hey ho.

To add to your shock about others, I can only recall one birthday party where both DH and I were present with our kids. Generally one of us was working so the other forged on. Once one of us was working, one of us planned to be at the party and then our other child was ill. Luckily I had a great friend who stepped in and took control and ran the party so a bunch of 4yo's were not disappointed. What an absolute bitch, imagine her even suggesting this! I should have been seething apparently but I was grateful, weird hey! And for those about to jump in and say the working parent should have stayed home, those pesky A&E patients have a tendency to want to be treated and extra staff don't tend to magically materialise if people don't show up at short notice.

Not sure if you have only got the one or not but it only gets harder. Kids party organised, other kid will have something pop up that they 'can't miss', another juggle where they are lucky to get one parent let alone two at their party.

Mine are now teens/young adults. They seem completely unscathed by the whole party, one parent thing. I can also bet they could not name what parent was at what party. I can also bet they don't even remember the vast majority of parties at all. They are hardly scarred. Neither are we. Maybe because we didn't choose to make it a focus complete with adult meltdown and need for a drink. Lead by example and all that.

So instead I'm guessing your child's birthday will be spent with you guys racing around trying to organise moving, cleaning etc. Cool! But they are young, don't know it's their birthday so it doesn't matter. Which brings us back to the circular argument ............

Original poster
shesastupidcow · 15/08/2018 00:23

When they are gone, and you have a dc that balance has gone and lots of family events happen but only one side. This is true. MIL wouldn’t think to invite my sister to her house. It was “her” family only.

OP posts:
Original poster
shesastupidcow · 15/08/2018 00:25

Having more gin and sorting Tupperware 😄

OP posts:
Original poster
shesastupidcow · 15/08/2018 00:28

HoppingPavlova No other children to be disappointed. We don’t know any children where MIL lives.

OP posts:
ShumpaLumpa · 15/08/2018 00:28

HopingPavlova

I'm sure MIL was clued into this background and it is why she suggested DH be the one who came.

But you don't know this. I'm always amazed when posters are arrogant enough to declare they know the OP's relatives better than the OP.

Also, Hopping, why on did you have a party for your 2yo when only you or DH could attend? Whose benefit was it for you? Yours or your DH?

As for the party for your 4yo, that's different as you said 4yos would have been disappointed if it was cancelled. A 2yo doesn't care that his party is being postponed.

Perfectly1mperfect · 15/08/2018 00:31

We don't do hinting lol! DH would have just said one of us was coming on their own if that had ever crossed our minds which it wouldn’t.

I'm not saying that you were hinting, just maybe she thought you were. Maybe she was a different sort of parent to you and just didn't realise that you would mind not being there. HmmIf she's generally not a nightmare MIL then just try to let it go. Obviously only you know that. Families can be hard work, I know that !

Original poster
shesastupidcow · 15/08/2018 00:32

And now we aren’t going, we have more time so hopefully won’t be rushing around. Thus Tupperware sorting in the night!

Shumpa Yes, he’s a keeper. He’s as shocked as I.

OP posts:
Perfectly1mperfect · 15/08/2018 00:34

Having more gin and sorting Tupperware 😄

Gin solves everything. Grin

Regingaphalange · 15/08/2018 01:09

HRTFT....
Children come first....

HoppingPavlova · 15/08/2018 01:18

Also, Hopping, why on did you have a party for your 2yo when only you or DH could attend? Whose benefit was it for you? Yours or your DH?

Good question but not sure as to the source of your surprise. We did it as we were sheep. From 2yo all kids at our daycare had birthday parties where their room was invited so we did it too. Kids had fun playing with balloons/softplay/pool (you could hire party room and toddler learn to swim area on Sat pm/Sun for parties - great for winter parties as novelty, very warm pool, heated room) etc. They had fun, their little room mates had fun, they all stuffed their faces with cake. Certainly didn't do it for ourselves, we both had better things to do tbh. And again, what the hell does it matter if one or two parents are there?

Original poster
shesastupidcow · 15/08/2018 01:24

HoppingPavlova It doesn’t matter to you, it does to us [shrugs]

OP posts:
ShumpaLumpa · 15/08/2018 01:39

Hopping makes sense if you had the party as all the other 2yos had one.

Think OP's situation is different as it's a family party and they are having a small party at home.

OP, was your going to be invited to party at MILs? Or was that a no-no because it was MIL's family only?