To not understand MIL/DIL relationships

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This isn't an anti MIL thread (there are tons of them here)
I genuinely would like to try to understand why MILs & DILs have such notoriously troublesome relationships

I used to get on brilliantly with mine.
But since she retired and I had DD the dynamic of our relationship has changed.
We are both finding our feet in our new lives and seem to be not gelling.

Her ways now get under my skin when before I could of shrugged them off. I'm holding grudges for things I would of let go before
She thinks I've become too sensitive and lost my sense of humor. I also think she thought she'd be more hands on with DD and is disappointed I don't need help.

We do both make an effort to get along for DH and DD.
Don't get me wrong although she has her flaws (like any of us) she can be great too and I do miss how we used to be.

Do you think it comes from caveman times when there could only be 1 female in charge? 😂

Seriously though why does it need to be difficult?
Why is there so many threads and stories of MIL and DIL not getting along?

Actually my own MIL didn't get on with hers!! 😂

Anyone read The Handmaid's Tale?

it's taken me a while to realise because she's quite reserved, but I am actually more similar to my (future) MIL than my own mother. Also we both make an effort to be nice and polite etc, while my mum doesn't think she has to sometimes...
I don't have kids yet, so my smugness may be premature, but I foresee more problems with my mum than MIL...

I cannot fathom how reading some of these truly awful storied you can still insist Bertrand Russel that dils should aim for a cordial relationship?

Cant you see from so many heartbreaking stories that some of these mils are horrid!
Can you not be moved is there no empathy.. No compassion

I have had 2 MILS.

The first one I got on really well with. The second I got on really badly with. When I reflect on it, I think that a PP was right. MIL 1 took a back seat when I came on the scene. She didn't try to tell me what to do or try to vye for her sons affection or attention. I was always bery happy to see her, and involve her in our life - probably more so than XH was.

MIL2 was determined to put me in my place. She was bloody nasty, controlling and destructive. I tried so hard but eventually as the years went on, I pulled back more and more and tried to avoid her.

DS isn't married but has had DP for last 2 years. I think I am a lovely MIL as I never interfere and am always supportive of sons DP. Maybe my claws will come out when GC start to arrive but I hope not!!!

I'd love a cordial relationship with my Mil but how can I have one when she thinks she is competition with me, when she is nasty about it too.

I don't know what to think when I read these posts anymore Bertrand. Is it so hard to understand how awful things can be?

Why belittle posters? I can't get my head around it. You have said across numerous threads that you yourself have little in common wih your Mil but you rub along.

Unless your not telling us the full story can you understand that some women are triggered when their baby has a baby and that sometimes you this causes some strange reaction of major jealously?

Didn't Italy pass some law on mils!

It is tough. I do try to be cordial, and I manage it 98% of the time.

The amount of abuse I've been subjected to for simply loving my DH is disgusting. My MIL hates me and that eventually made me retaliate and I don't like her. My DH knows of her abusive ways and tolerates her for our kids. That's it. One more slip up and NC for us. She knows this but is on her best behaviour when DH is around.
Years of therapy is what she has cost me and I've tolerated far more than I should so she can play grandma and so I'm not the woman who makes my DH choose between me and his mother

E moon.

Most dils wouldn't. Most like me have interfered and tried two facilitate more relations between mum and son and gc.

Some posters have no concept of this issue yet they continue to post on dil, Mil threads for what purpose except to goad I don't know.

PS I have spent fortune on therapist too.
But I have also had so much help from the clued up posters on mn.

I’m not belittling. Some people are absolutely awful. But this thread is about the relationship in general, surely, rather that individual relationships? Of course some people can never achieve cordiality because the mil concerned is too horrible. I’m just saying that sometimes I think people expect too much, and get upset because they are trying to make something happen that just can’t happen. It’s a relationship that’s potentially fraught with difficulty. I think sometimes stepping back and not getting too involved is a good thing.

Obviously, as I said there are hideous people in the world, and the stories people have to tell are heartbreaking. But some other stories sometimes look like cock up rather than conspiracy. And sometimes when you’re in the middle of that cock up it’s hard to remember that it may not be a conspiracy.

I completely agree, @BertrandRussell that sums up my relationship with my MIL. She's always craved a mother-daughter bond with me, but all I've wanted is a cordial relationship with her. I know she finds that very hard, as she was very close to her MIL and wanted the same closeness with me. But it makes me very uncomfortable, particularly since she's very tactile whereas I need firm boundaries.

I'm happy to have her to stay and for us to visit her. I'm happy to encourage her relationship with her DGDs. But from my point of view, she's my DH's DM and not mine.

I get on with my SIL and MIL. Yes they can both irritate me at times (neither am I perfect) but the key to successful family relations is turning the other cheek to petty things that don't matter, remaining patient and reminding yourself that this is your husband or brothers loved one.

Oh and a bit of luck thrown in.

I disagree Bertrand Russel I have seen you on so many in law threads and you have missed the point and belittled the op.
When the op has responded to you, you are a persistent questioner,you then disappear.

These area threads where it's clear the op is distressed. It always seems to be its an are you cannot fathom or understand. As you have said here on this thread, dils want too much they should aim for cordiality.

Which strikes me, now a Mil veteran as incredibly naive. You post on so many Mil threads do you learn anything from me them.

I find most of them on here so very sad. Literally a tiny % are petty or trite.

“I disagree Bertrand Russel I have seen you on so many in law threads and you have missed the point and belittled the op.”

Feel free to think this- but it’s not true. I never post on the truly awful threads- only on ones where there is the possibility of misunderstanding. Or of the dil actually being in the wrong, it does happen. After more years alive than most mumsnetters and after observing more relationships of all sorts than most mumsnetters, I have concluded that it is not always a one way street.

My MIL is happy that I make her son happy. We have a great relationship. Granted there are no kids in the mix, my son is from my earlier marriage. My first MIL lived abroad and didn’t speak English. When she criticised things I did as a mother my ex had to translate for me so I always got the chance to say “well tell your mum that...”

The MIL threads are very sad, I agree, @RayneDance but it helps to bear in mind that the posts on here are bound to be negative, because DILs with positive relationships with their MILs don't feel the need to post about them.

I've found the threads helpful, too. I used to feel like an awful DIL not to want a mother-daughter bond with my MIL. (She wanted me to call her Mum and I wouldn't, which started us off on the wrong foot.) But I'm learning not to feel bad about it; I just leave her to talk to my DH, or do activities with my DDs, and find other things to do. If we're too much in each other's company we end up clashing anyway. because we disagree on virtually everything.

My MIL is lovely and very tolerant of her awkward DIL (me) and her other DILs. We didn't have masses in common when I first met her but that changes with a shared history.

I do think (like all relationships actually) having a baby puts a bomb into the MIL:DIL relationship. Our relationship definitely got worse but that was a combination of having different boundaries (she came in for a chat when I was in bed in the morning, naked, sitting crosslegged and BFing DD1. Shudder. I barely allow DH to talk to me in the morning before I'm washed, dressed and breakfasted let alone anyone else!) and me going crazy when on maternity leave. Once I was back at work and getting more sleep (and regained a normal level of tolerance for other people) our relationship improved again and I am very grateful that she is still lovely to me.

Interestingly my relationship with my own DM has got worse since the DC were born although DDad was dying of cancer in that period and bereavement can also have an impact on relationships. I think the combination of both of us going through a difficult time of life and living in different places so not able to support each other as much as we'd like has changed the relationship forever. We're pretty minimal contact, there's not been a big fight or anything but we don't get anything from the relationship. She isn't a great MIL to DH and pretty much ignores him and criticises him to me. She's not that interested in our kids either. Ironically she has a great relationship with SIL who gets on better with DM than she does with her own mother. DM loves DBro and SILs kids and does all their childcare and looks after the kids so DBro and SIL can go on holiday.

I don’t have a MIL, DPs Mum sadly died when he was a child.

My exMIL was fucking awesome, shame her son was a violent abusive prick. She actually told me to leave him herself because I deserved better!

So I have no idea about the dynamic between MIL/DIL being bad BUT going solely off the back of the threads on here it’s possessiveness and control, from both MIL/DIL which seems to cause most of the arguments

I get on great with my dils, I truly love them and I know they love me because they say so.

None of us are cunts though.

That’s the reason

The one thing my MIL has taught me is how not to behave if my own son gets a partner.
Silver linings and all that

My MIL is absolutely fabulous, she’s a wonderful mother to my husband and I credit her for the amazing man he is today.

FIL however is an absolute nightmare. Sexist, racist, chauvinist and absolutely hates me.

The thing is, my mil isnt a horrible person. She just wants to be in control. Her kids are the most important thing in her life and she is desperate to feel like her adult children are still kids. She infantilises them. Its hard to do that when your son has a wife who reminds him he is a grown up with responsibilities. Im sure we'd get on much better if I wasnt her dil. I try really hard with her but I will not bend to her will, move to her village and consult her on every aspect of our lives. I will not spend every Christmas with them doing their traditions, I wont agree that they can present our kids with the big ticket present on christmases and birthdays and just put the money we would have spent into a savings account. I wont go on holiday with them every year. I wont give them a key to my house after we can home once to find mil moving my kitchen cupboards around and pil mowing the lawn. I just will not live my life like that. So I have to smile and nod, politely decline, gently refuse and then put up with the passive aggressive comments. It is fucking exhausting!

@Wonkypalmtree

I didn't cope well initially because of pre-existing MH conditions but I think she was disappointed our need for help ended quickly. I am older than my husband but don't look it and I think she forgets that sometimes.

Because my husband is the only one of his siblings sent off to boarding school he is the least close to his Mother and the most independent of all his siblings. I think she actually regrets that and tried to make his other siblings too dependant on her, but the last bird is about to fly the coop.

@ToffeePennie

"Naturally we are used to our own mothers and their silly little ways, we can just roll our eyes and ignore, but mil hasn’t been in your life forever, she’s almost a newcomer"

Yes that's what I was thinking when reading this thread. When we clash with our own mothers we've had a lifetime of practise on how to handle it, not so with a MIL. Also with your own Mother you know how she ticks and in what ways she's weird or annoying or pushy about certain things, not so with a MIL. You have to rely on your husband being able to translate so to speak then add in the fact that you're different genders.

@BarbarianMum

"Mil/DiL relationships work just fine as long as one of you isnt a cunt."

😂