To not understand MIL/DIL relationships

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This isn't an anti MIL thread (there are tons of them here)
I genuinely would like to try to understand why MILs & DILs have such notoriously troublesome relationships

I used to get on brilliantly with mine.
But since she retired and I had DD the dynamic of our relationship has changed.
We are both finding our feet in our new lives and seem to be not gelling.

Her ways now get under my skin when before I could of shrugged them off. I'm holding grudges for things I would of let go before
She thinks I've become too sensitive and lost my sense of humor. I also think she thought she'd be more hands on with DD and is disappointed I don't need help.

We do both make an effort to get along for DH and DD.
Don't get me wrong although she has her flaws (like any of us) she can be great too and I do miss how we used to be.

Do you think it comes from caveman times when there could only be 1 female in charge? 😂

Seriously though why does it need to be difficult?
Why is there so many threads and stories of MIL and DIL not getting along?

Actually my own MIL didn't get on with hers!! 😂

@TheMonkeyMummy I am very lucky. I like to think it's some sort of life balance for the fact that I basically didn't have a Mum. And hopefully I'll be half as good a MIL when mine get older.

I have a brilliant relationship with my MIL and SIL. I see her at least once a day and if I don’t we FaceTime at some point. I was 20 when we married and my parents lived far away so I have grown up with her as a mother figure. Because of that I can tell her if I disagree with her opinion. Both her and my SIL are routine parents/bottle feeders/baby always in the cot/Cry it out and I was a baby wearing/bedsharing/extended breastfeeding hippy so we couldn’t have been more different parenting styles but they never judged or offered unappreciated advice.

I’ll never forget on day 3 post partum when my emotions were all over and baby was fussy and had fed every hour for 45 minutes all night long she came in and settled him for 5 hours and cleaned the house top to bottom while I slept. She is an excellent grandmother.

I am a nurse and I know when she is older I will care for her

You really do have a lovely relationship with your MIL@Jent13c and she sounds like a lovely person.

Maybe the key thing is that you were 20 years old. My MIL was a similar age when she first met my FIL. She had a very close relationship with her MIL and was happy to call her 'Mum'.

My MIL expected the same with me when I married her DS, back in 2003. But I was 33 by then and an independent adult. I also had my own DM. Our relationship hasn't always been easy, but I certainly wasn't looking for another mother figure. My MIL is also very tactile in her affection and, because of my past, I find that really difficult, as I need my own space.

So we don't have a close relationship. She's a lovely Grandma to our DDs, though, which I encourage 100% and I'm happy to have her stay with us occasionally for a few days

My mil thinks that she is right about everything. She and her dds are very close and she has a lot of influence over them and their dc. She doesnt have the same influence over me and my dc and she doesn't like it. Therefore, when I do things differently or say no, it is an issue with me, not with her. That is her logic at least. She can't accept that I want to do things my own way because it doesnt fit with what she thinks I ought to do. It is easier to excuse this on me being stubborn than it is to accept that there might be a different path for me. She also assumes that decisions dh makes that arent decisions she agrees with, are influenced by me. (They arent, but usually support him, publically at least). It's easier to blame me than to accept your only son isn't perfect. Maybe it is because mils see themselves as alpha females. It certainly makes sense. I find it tough being labelled tbe vilian when im just trying to do the best for my family. Any ideas on how we solve this problem? (Without giving in to the mils, obviously!)

Maybe forgetting the concept of Alpha female would help for a start? If you set yourself up in competition it's never going to work. And perhaps read and digest the posts of pp who say how well they get on with the MiLs - that didn't just happen by chance. Especially think about lalalllyra's situation and how badly that could have gone wrong if everyone concerned had behaved like some pp on this thread.

Lokibear-surely just "That's interesting, Gladys. Thank you" then do it your way.
Unless she actually lives in your house, of course. Then you need different strategy.

And I know I keep. Angibg on about this- but really you don't need anything more than a cordial relationship with your mil. Her primary relationship is with her child and his/her children.

My MIL and I had an epic falling out around my and DP’s wedding - to this point I was an exotic creature(older, divorced, with her youngest) but when she tried to plan the wedding for us even though they were not paying and were just guests she said some spectacularly horrible things. I put my foot down and made it clear that she needed to be a bloody adult and some respect for me as an adult. Since this point our relationship has developed fine. She wouldn’t dare breathe a word that was critical of not invited to do so, and although I’m sure she has strong opinions on our child rearing she has never said anything to either myself or DP. It’s a happy place now. But she’s not my friend, and never will be and that is totally fine and appropriate I think.

"She wouldn’t dare breathe a word that was critical of not invited to do so"
Gosh. That sounds like a healthy relationship!

Sounds like a very happy place for you, Change, I'd be interested in MiL's take on it.

Her primary relationship is with her child and his/her children.

This can have a bearing on the relationship of the 'child' (actually an adult) and their spouse if the MIL and DIL enter into a battle of wills, as you must have observed by now, Bertrand.

To have a policy of bypassing the son/DIL unit is not constructive, supportive or particularly intelligent IME, it is merely short-sighted and self-centred. It takes guts and imagination to be a good PIL when it doesn't come naturally, and some never make the grade where dislike has become established. It is exhausting to have to be apologising for an annoying PIL, and it then becomes easier to reduce contact.

Cordial is how we are with neighbours we barely see or the woman behind the counter at the post office

"Cordial is how we are with neighbours we barely see or the woman behind the counter at the post office"
Really? I have cordial relationships with loads of people. Many of my children's friends' parents. The partners of some of my friends. My very nice neighbours. My brother's wife. 3 of my partners siblings (I am good friends with the other one) My own MIL. I don't see a problem with cordial. And I have to say if my dp had tried to control the relationship my mother had with our children I would not have been impressed.

After a few days at my very stressful parents’ house I have realised that one of the major reasons our relationship is awful is that they clearly think we are incompetent and awful parents. Thankfully after an awkward conversation last visit they have stopped giving their unsolicited and unwanted advice. The huge thing I will do as a mum or MIL is NEVER offer advice or criticism unless it is asked for. Especially if they have forgotten the reality of day to day parenting. One child (not mine) was having a tantrum in public yesterday and they were very vocal about how badly the parent was handling it .

My MIL is nice enough but she's hard work. She's stuck in the fifties and thinks my role is to cook and clean and do everything she did for DH. I bite my tongue for the sake of a peaceful life, but I don't enjoy spending time over there. It's definitely a duty visit when I do go. Something to be endured for the sake of politeness. Less is definitely more, for all our sakes!

I think the best MIL are ones with jobs/hobbies/friends.
I think there may be something in this. Whereas my horrendous xMIL did have a job, she didn't have anything much outside of it except her sons - xFIL OTOH also had hobbies and friends (he was lovely, though a complete enabler).

Nice MIL has lots of hobbies and friends, and largely keeps herself busy. She did so long before I came on the scene, and long before any GCs. She doesn't live far from us, but doesn't drop in too often as she's normally with someone or doing something else. FIL also keeps himself busy, and is also a very nice person.

My DPs don't work, and have few friends and only DF has a few hobbies. Distance always helped with dealing with them, but I think their idea of having GC always around keeping them entertained yes, keeping my DPs entertained not the other way around was hindered by this and has lead a lot to the breakdown of our relationship.

@bertrandrussell if you knew what she had said before that to my face (and to family behind our backs) you would totally understand why the line has been drawn! If I want advice I will ask for it (and I actually do believe it or not), and she’s happy to give it.

@bluelady I think she’s grown up a lot especially since a few things happened with her other children that were very similar. She probably secretly wants us all to be submissive and at her beck and call and fall inline though .

MiL has got a great relationship with our DC, and will call me up and I her for a chat about things if needed. But we are not best friends and that is fine - due to geography we see them rarely anyway so it’s not an issue.

Oops namechange fail 😂

So I’m just engaged and a bit younger so I think mine still thinks we’re all kids (25/28). We don’t get along, not arguing or anything just a clash of personalities. They spoil FDH’s sister so much and favourite her. I get irritated by this as FDH is working so hard got his life together and is pretty much ignored.

Also in my family we all wind up each other and have a laugh, they’re much more serious so I get a telling off if I’m joking around with FDH.

Ah well as long as everyone is civil. I think the difference is they still treat me like a guest whereas my mum treats FDH as one of her own and treats us all the same. FDH gets along with my mum really well though. He stayed at their house without me on the way to a festival. I wouldn’t dream of doing that at his.

Lyicallie, it’s interesting you post about joking around. My parents do not do joking around / winding up well at all. I find that DH still does it to me and the kids (which wouldn’t normally bother me at all) when we are there which drives me mad and annoys my parents. We then argue about it as he doesn’t seem to acknowledge that they need much more gentle and careful handling than his parents. I can’t relax at all when we are all visiting them, keeping everyone happy is just impossible.

Mine definitely still see us as children who need support and guidance. His parents treat us as adults. Perhaps that is the difference?

I never coined the term 'Alpha female', I think it was in the op. I just acknowledged that the cap fits my mil to a tee.
I always go down the route of 'That's interesting, Gladys, thank you', then do my own thing. It results in yet more passive agression. She forces a conversation about how I havent done what I was told. Dd had an ear infection recently and we were told by the doctor not to let her swim at all. She was on antibiotics and ear drops prescribed by the doctor. MIL decided that I was being a 'drama queen' not letting her swim and told dd she could. I'd explained the doctor had said no, but was told by mil that she'd be fine to swim. She com9ketely dismissed my reasoning. I asked dh to have a word and her response was 'oh no, she mustn't swim if that is what the doctor said'.
If I go down a different route to what my mil thinks I should do she tells me im wrong by minimising my opinion, every single time. She forces the competition, not me. I just want a quiet life. I want to be able to make decisions for my family without her interference or passive agressive snipes.

@toostressyformyowngood

Yea I think it’s just different family styles and what we were brought up with. Also my mum had me younger so my mum and step dad are quite a bit younger than FDH’s parents. My mum is always out with girls and SD goes to Amsterdam with the guys. They have their own lives as well as being with each other. Whereas FMIL/FIL are in each other’s pockets don’t really have friends or anything so they don’t really have much to talk about. So it’s just all very awkward.

I think my parents still think of us as kids like his do, the only difference I think is my parents let us get on with it and make our own mistakes whereas his try and fix everything.

Oh and she lives 10 minutes away, but messages every day, rings several times a week and we see her regularly too. So not in the same house but close enough.

Bloody hell Loki, that sounds very stressful!

I know that about the cordial relationship now Bertrand. I was obviously just a vessel to create her Grandchildren- nice to know I served a purpose. Thanks ex-Mil.