To not want sil to provide childcare

[Wadewilson]

I'm fully prepared to be told iabu, and possibly a bit snobby but that's why I'm asking.

Sil has a part time job during the day that she absolutely hates. She only gets £200/ month for it, but they need that extra money so she can't quit.
I'm due to go back to work after mat leave soon, and local nurseries are about £800/month. DH has suggested instead of that, speaking to his sister and offering her 300-400/month to provide childcare. Cheaper for us than nursery, and she could quit the job she hates and have more money.

The issue is, I dont want her to. I love sil, she's like an actual sister to me and I love spending time with her. But, her children spend almost 24/7 on phones and tablets (they are 2 and 6). If they are playing with toys rather than tablets they are told to be quiet and just go on the tablet instead of making noise. They are also fed convenience foods all the time. Constantly having chocolate, sweets, ice lollies. Actual meals are things like potato waffles with beans and sausage from a tin, frozen pizzas, that sort of thing. The nearest I've seen her children have to a home cooked meal is spag bol from a can. We are there quite a lot, so see a good range of their meals. We've also been away with them before, and all the children will eat is things like burgers and pizzas and chicken nuggets.
I know I sound really snobby and awful by saying that, but that isn't what we eat and definitely not what I want dc to eat. When i was growing up it was all home cooked food, vegetables, proper meals. That's what we eat now, and thats what i want dc to grow up eating. I know i cant force dc to like vegetables and things, but if vegetables and home cooked food is normal there is more chance of them liking it.

Aibu by thinking that? And aibu for not wanting her to provide childcare?
And do people have any other options? We could afford the 800 for nursery, but it would make things tight, and dh is insistent about not paying it and giving his sister money instead.

You say you're going back to work soon but haven't looked in to nursery places yet. Much as you don't want SIL to do this I think you need to check you can get a nursery place before dismissing this. In my area you would struggle to get a place at short notice.

YANBU because you don't like her parenting style. Which is completely fine. Difficult situation as your DH doesn't see a problem with it so you can't agree.

I would talk to DH and come up with a compromise, which includes something like 3 days in nursery and 2 days with SIL (you could pay her £200 for those 2 days). That way your DC will still benefit from nursery (which is what you want) and you will still save a bit of cash and your SIL benefits too (which is what your DH wants). Neither of you will be completely happy but that's what compromise is all about.

It’s not fair for your DH to ask her to provide cheap childcare, despite what other family members arrangements are. If she is providing childcare, she deserves to be paid the going rate.

In response to a previous post, some childminders do only charge as little as 3.50 per child, but they take in more than one. A a sole charge childminder/nanny should be paid at least minimum wage, even with their own children in tow.

Your DH is taking advantage of your SIL - it sounds like this proposition will put her between a rock and a hard place. She might agree even if she doesn’t want to.

I would get in touch with your SIL and tell her that you are sorry that your DH has pressured her.

State that you had always been considering nursery for your DC. Mention that you have costed it and can just about afford it, and that you don’t expect her to take up childminding!

OP for so many reasons this is not a good idea and I think you are going to have to risk saying so for the sake of your children

OP I think you’ve said you go back to work in 2 months and have no nursery place?

Regardless of all the other points raised you need to find a place if you don’t want to end up having to rely on family. Maybe it is better near you but here the waiting lists are for months. You don’t want to end up with a nursery you don’t like.

Maybe consider a CM once you’ve sorted the sil situation.

I would go over your dhs head and text your sil ASAP. Tell her you will be using a nursery as You think it’s too much for her/illegal to pay her cash/you want a nursery as they follow eyfs/you want your dc to have lots of play mates whatever you can think of but just no.

I have no respect for your dh here putting you and his sil into this situation!!!! He’s an idiot.

Sort out your childcare before saying no to SIL - you may end up with no choice but using her!

God no, don’t do it. Your values and parenting styles are clearly at odds. I know nursery is expensive - been there, done that, but IMO it was the best 1k plus per month we spent, ensuring our children had good quality care while we worked. You wouldn’t skimp on other purchases so why skimp on the most important thing?

This is a nightmare situation in the making.

Aside from the fact she's not a register child minder there are a whole host of issues your DH hasn't considered.

1. The differences in parenting style are important. You're still proposing to pay £400 pm and for that there needs to be an agreement about what that is buying you. This isn't free childcare. It's not at all unreasonable to expect that would include some structure to the day and appropriate food choices.

1. The arrangement has no contingency. What happens when SIL (or her children) are poorly? What happens when they go on holiday? You can bet good money it won't be your DH scrabbling around for childcare or volunteering to take a day off work.

1. You see many threads like this on MN and the potential for a family fallout is huge. The fact it's a non official arrangement means how it's interpreted can vary between the parties involved. Unlike a nursery there's no professional and impartial way to register a complaint for example.

1. Is her house suitable (and sufficiently child proofed) for 3 children of differing ages?

1. What if it doesn't work out? Your SIL will have given up a much needed job. Does your DH expect you to be trapped in an arrangement that's not appropriate because he's created a scenario where she's financially dependent on you? The opportunity to back out of this arrangement without ill feeling is non existent.

1. Your child, although having the opportunity to spend time with their cousins will not have the chance to play with their peer group. This is a big advantage of nursery - structured peer play.

Honestly you really need to be firm on this. It's a plan with disaster written all over it. If there's any form of comprise to be had it can't be more than a day a week and it can't involve SIL giving up her job.

And you need to start looking at nurseries and cms.

I gave up childminding last year and still get calls almost daily. I could be full in 2 weeks if I wanted to. You need to get your skates on op 2 months is cutting it tight

Apollo it is if you take money for it if she does it for free without "reward" than it is OK. There was a big to do years ago because OFSTED brought a legal challenge against two women who SHARED childcare with each other as a shared job arrangement where no money was exchanged - & if sil is in receipt of any benefits or hb or uc than this will be a major issue as she would with HMRC - & if they employ her in their home than they have to pay minimum wage unless she lives with them!!! sil probably doesn't realize this or the legal issues - & don't think she wont get reported because over time somebody may even innocently say something to a connection to the authorities & they will chase it up especially HMRC - you have to fill in annual tax even if you do not earn enough to pay it.

"I've said I don't want to feel like we are relying on them, and I've seen it negatively affect family relationships before Ann's don't want it to affect our relationship with her. He sees it as we'd be paying her so it would be like a job not just having family help."

YANBU - this is one of the very valid reasons why YANBU - and it is one OP made herself. Please do stand firm on this as it would affect your children for years to come and probably your relationship with SIL. Draw up a list of things/activities you would wish your child to be doing whilst in care and how you would wish their day to be and show it to DH. Please take him round several nurseries (never mind if they have spaces or not) just to see them, chat to the staff and see how the average day of the children is spent. This should open his mind to how many activities there are for children and how they should be getting outside play as well.

You could say that you love your precious child to the point where only qualified people will do and are seriously considering not going back to work as you need to trust the people you are leaving him with. If he insists that it is a business arrangement, then insist that she is properly trained and registered so you can gain the tax benefits. A friend of mine went into childcare and discovered that our local council offered all sorts of free training courses for you to do (including child first aid etc) and if she was willing, you could then have a formal agreement of the activities you want your child to do regularly and the food you wish them to eat. Perhaps she could do one day a week?

Good luck with this. Please come back and let us know how you get on.

@Wadewilson He's done what?!

Absolutely no way. NO WAY would I have that - you need to text SIL rigth now saying 'sorry it seems there have been crossed wires, DH has just told me he's arranged for you to look after DC. Unfortunately I've already booked them into nursery and paid, so won't be needing you to take them. Thanks for the kind offer though!'

Then proceed to murder have a frank discussion with DH.

Oh, and look into a registered proper childminder - a good one will have a much smaller amount of children (which I like as it's closer to a 'home' environment), do all the crafts/activities etc you're after, provide balanced healthy meals and may well be cheaper than nursery.

I think it's fine. Can you send LO with a packed lunch and snacks every day?
SIL doesn't care about the 'going rate'; it's a better situation and more money for her.
I have actually RTFT but I haven't seen the baby's age. Must've missed it. If he's little, could he go there while he's a baby and not really doing much, and then start nursery when he 2.5 or 3?
Your SIL will actually love him, which the nursery staff won't, and he'll be close to his cousins too.

mumsastudent
There was a big to do years ago because OFSTED brought a legal challenge against two women who SHARED childcare with each other as a shared job arrangement where no money was exchanged

But those women were not related. That's the big differentiating factor, as far as I can make out.

& what happens if your kiddie has small mishap or is ill? cm have to have special written permission to agree to medical treatment (sexist bit! if a little healthy boy he will at some stage do something that requires a visit - little girls too but less frequently!)

I think it's fine.

Why?

Have you seen the reports about children who can't form sentences when they get to school? Aren't potty trained? Can't hold a book or lack fine motor skill?

Lack of language is a huge disadvantage for small children starting school.

I think that law is ridiculous. Making things harder for working women.

GreenTulips - she's got two children of her own. Presumably they can speak and use a toilet?

It's not a Chinese orphanage.

I don't think it's fine. 50 hours a week of Screens 'n Sugar sounds crap.

You'd be suprised gown many children arrive in school not able to do the basics.

Speak in sentences, 'me go toilet' Dint understand the difference between 'wellness, Sandles, flip flop' referring to 'shoe'
Cant use a knife and fork still in nappies, little understanding of instructions or lack interaction with other children.

(We are talking NT children)

Why would you want a child massively disadvantaged?

What would happen if SIL suddenly realised £400/500 per month for full time childcare is a piss take and asked for more?

For multiple reasons, Including the legality of this, it’s a bad idea.

Your DH needs a talking to. Childcare is not something you economise on. It’s a crazy idea.

And PLEASE tell SIL asap before she hands her notice in.

*Wellies sandles flip flops

They aren't exposed to language they can't write or form idea