To not want sil to provide childcare

[Wadewilson]

I'm fully prepared to be told iabu, and possibly a bit snobby but that's why I'm asking.

Sil has a part time job during the day that she absolutely hates. She only gets £200/ month for it, but they need that extra money so she can't quit.
I'm due to go back to work after mat leave soon, and local nurseries are about £800/month. DH has suggested instead of that, speaking to his sister and offering her 300-400/month to provide childcare. Cheaper for us than nursery, and she could quit the job she hates and have more money.

The issue is, I dont want her to. I love sil, she's like an actual sister to me and I love spending time with her. But, her children spend almost 24/7 on phones and tablets (they are 2 and 6). If they are playing with toys rather than tablets they are told to be quiet and just go on the tablet instead of making noise. They are also fed convenience foods all the time. Constantly having chocolate, sweets, ice lollies. Actual meals are things like potato waffles with beans and sausage from a tin, frozen pizzas, that sort of thing. The nearest I've seen her children have to a home cooked meal is spag bol from a can. We are there quite a lot, so see a good range of their meals. We've also been away with them before, and all the children will eat is things like burgers and pizzas and chicken nuggets.
I know I sound really snobby and awful by saying that, but that isn't what we eat and definitely not what I want dc to eat. When i was growing up it was all home cooked food, vegetables, proper meals. That's what we eat now, and thats what i want dc to grow up eating. I know i cant force dc to like vegetables and things, but if vegetables and home cooked food is normal there is more chance of them liking it.

Aibu by thinking that? And aibu for not wanting her to provide childcare?
And do people have any other options? We could afford the 800 for nursery, but it would make things tight, and dh is insistent about not paying it and giving his sister money instead.

DH must accept that he takes 100% of days off to care for your DC when your SIL can't have them
Completely agree but you just know that even if he agreed now, when it came down to it he'd bugger off to work regardless. Seems like it anyway given how he already went behind OP's back! :(

one at sil four at nursery

Don’t do it. Childcare by family will ruin your dynamic and make you resentful of every disrespectful/irresponsible/not-how-you-would-do-it action she ever made

I think the best way to get dh to agree is go down the money route.
Yes, £400 instead of £200 is better now, but what happens when dc is 3 and gets free nursery hours, or goes to school.
By then sil will be used to that £400/ month and will find it difficult to not have it, and we won't be giving it when she wouldn't be having dc. That's probably the best way to get him to agree without sounding like I'm criticising her parenting (and in turn the way he was brought up as it was similar)

Jesus, you and DH are not responsible for providing SIL with a salary. If she's not happy in her job she needs to change jobs.

If you go down the money route as you suggest I think your DH will just say to use SIL for 2 years until you get funded hours. This will not solve your problem at all.

Have you told sil it’s not happening ? Before she quits her job? And why do you need your dh to agree with you? He doesn’t seem to care if you agree with him.

This thread is bonkers! Op sort yourself out. This isn't a case of your child being in an environment that you're uncomfortable with on odd occasions. This is full time every single day. Finding the right care for your child is not about dh funding a wage for his sister, it's all about what is best for ds. For goodness sake stop trying to be so polite and do what you think is best for your child and have an actual serious conversation with your dh about what your child needs.

I go back to work in September. Me and dh have spent lots of time going through all the things are important to both of us regarding our child's care and needs. We then looked around suitable childcare settings and decided TOGETHER what was best and which one we were both comfortable with. You and dh really need to talk about what childcare plans you need and not be sending screen shots and tip toeing around each others upbringing issues.

Wow, do people really tiptoe around their partners like this? If I thought SIL was shit at looking after kids, I would just tell DH. It’s hard enough trying to be polite outside the house, I couldn’t deal with having to be polite at home too!

I know you're trying to be diplomatic and not insult your DH/his parents, but the conversation about parenting styles is one that you've got to have, surely? I can't see how you're not going to keep encountering this problem over and over again, otherwise - you're not going to manage to raise a child to adulthood without him working out that you fundamentally disagree on what's good parenting!

While I get what you’re saying about the best way to manage DH being the money angle, you really are going to have to talk about your different ideas of acceptable parenting. If he’s cool with unlimited sugar and screentime, and you’re not, how are you going to manage it when DH is older and can’t see a problem. Is he going to ignore and over ride you when the child wants a family bag of Haribo? Or he thinks it’s fine for her to watch hours of iPad to keep her quiet while you’d rather she learned to play.

There’s not much to recommend the way DH and SIL were brought up from what you say. You need to start discussing how you are going to bring up your child to give her the best start in life.

LisaSimpson cross post!

The best road would be one where you felt you were, and were treated as an equal partner. Where your DH didn't ignore your wishes, and in fact go behind your back and in direct opposition to your wishes. And you weren't dancing around trying to appease him.

Take it from me. It will get worse otherwise. And you'll not only be browbeaten, but your DC wont be getting the care they deserve.

She could do a max of 2 hours a day without being ofsted registered and believe she could possible get into a bit of trouble accepting money for longer even if it is for family.

I think the best way to get dh to agree is go down the money route.

Isn't he more concerned about your child's happiness and wellbeing than money? If he thinks constant screen time and junk food is good then you will have bigger problems down the line.

You need to be honest with him (in a polite way) and say that you think nursery will be a better environment for DC, and well worth the extra cost. Trying to lie and make excuses has actually made the situation worse - pretending you are worried about the relationship with SIL means he has now asked her, presumably thinking he is being helpful, but actually making it more difficult to say no. Just be politely honest with him. He is your dp, you are the mother of his child, surely he values your opinions?

I'm shocked that you are having to pussy foot around him like this rather than say what you think. He is your life partner. If you can't weather the odd disagreement or difference of opinion now, how will you get through bigger issues in future?

And you are not being unreasonable or snobby to want high quality care for your DC, do NOT apologise or make excuses for that.

If you pretend your main concern is the money, he will find a way around this, perhaps SIL will offer to do it for even less. They will try and find a solution. You need to tell him the real reason that this is completely unacceptable to you. By all means give a list of reasons if you want, but if you keep saying "oh it would be nice except..." he will keep finding "solutions".

Agree. Don’t pretend it’s a money issue - be upfront with your dh and tell him the real reasons.
You really shouldn’t feel obliged to pussyfoot around. Childcare is one thing you absolutely shouldn’t skimp on- your child is your most precious part of your life.

SIL wants money. DH wants to save money.

Compromise: SIL has dc one day per week. You pay her £200 per month for this. DC gets to be close to cousins and family.

You then have nursery for 4 days per week. If you could afford to work a 4 day week you would pay nursery 3 days. SIL one day. Then weekends are you.

Suggestion.

DH can have one 12 hour childcare shift per week. Midnight Saturday to noon Sunday.

You don’t do night waking, nappies or food. Have a lie in. Let’s see how easy he thinks it is then.

You also need to talk about parenting, re screens and food so you and DH are on the same page for home.

What is your main priority - good care for your DC? or not upsetting your DH (and now his sister)?

Tell DH that your DC will be going to nursery as there will be much more opportunity to socialise with other children and adults.
Tell him you will pay for it yourself if you have to.
If he lets you pay for it all yourself, reconsider whether you want to stay with him.

(Tell SiL the same about the socialising and that DH shouldn't have asked her without agreeing it with you.)

OP, did you say somewhere up thread that you have older children? What was their childcare arrangements when little if so? (Sorry if I misconstrued something.)

I've noticed some people are saying use nursery 4 days a week and SIL one day a week, giving her £200.

Nursery five days a week works out at £37pd. (I'm rounding figures here). SIL at one day a week works out at £46pd.

So if you use nursery four days a week (I'm assuming day rate doesnt change although if they were promised £800pm they may still require that, assuming of course the place doesn't go to the next ft on their list) and SIL one it would work out that you pay £194 PW. That's £840 per month. Or to put it another way £10 088 per year instead of £9 600.

You would be paying more to have substandard care one day a week.

The only way the maths works out in your favour is if SIL does more of the week. But that works against SIL (and your child!) as she would be working for peanuts.

"No way DH. SIL is not a trained childcare professional. Minding your OWN children is totally different to being a CM. The standard of care and early years education that our child will receive in nursery will be far superior to the care SIL will be able to provide. Not to mention the opportunities for socialization with other children, trips out, the physical environment and toys/equipment"

What happens when SIL is ill? What happens when she wants a holiday? What happens when one of SILs children is ill? What happens if your child is injured when at SILs?

Aside from the illegality/legality issue the whole set up is just completely unworkable.

There really isn't much, if any, benefit to this set up. Send your dc to nursery where they will be cared for by people with the appropriate training, insurance, and equipment fgs!

Say no while you have the opportunity.

If you did go down the route of having her care for your child, you'd probably regret it and once you're in that situation it will be virtually impossible to get out of.

I would just state firmly that a place has come up at a nursery that you really like and that you're going to send your child there. Don't discuss the reasons. you just can't complain about the expense in front of her.

You are letting yourself open to a whole host of problems here. Firstly, finding good childcare is difficult. You need to find the best fit for your piece of mind because at the end of the day (sorry to be sexist) you will more than likely have to deal with any issues. A professional childminder would listen to your concerns and implement any changes them as best they can. If you criticise your SIL, you will open yourself up to conflict with your partner. If anything goes wrong you will have very little recourse and she might think she’s doing you a favour. If you must proceed, try sitting her down and laying some ground rules. Ask for a structure. Make it clear that you are not paying her for an easy ride and expect something in return. Do it as a trial period and see how it goes. If it makes you feel better, i don’t like my SIL looking after my children (she’s a former drug addict, prostitution, been to prison 3 times and nearly had her own children taken into care). It’s caused great distress for everyone involved.

This is an easy one; it’s illegal to pay someone for regular childcare when they aren’t a registered childminder. So just refuse to do it.

That's what I thought, it is not legal