Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask people who don’t respond to invites why you don’t respond?

129 replies

IAmADancer · 14/08/2018 08:34

I know this has been done to death but why if you get an invite to something do you not bother to respond? I don’t understand? Is it so hard to text/email and just say thanks or no thanks. Also why do people not respond and then turn up anyway! It means I have catered for a certain amount of people and then people appear whom I had no idea were coming.
Can anyone answer this for me, I am baffled!

OP posts:
Heratnumber7 · 14/08/2018 08:43

Winds me up too. I think people may be hedging their bets, to see if a better option comes along, before they accept.

It's the only thing I can think of.

restingbemusedface · 14/08/2018 08:44

Yes I always wonder who these people are. On mumsnet everyone seems to hate people who don’t respond, but you never hear anyone admitting to not doing it

Original poster
IAmADancer · 14/08/2018 08:46

It’s so incredibly frustrating. I get people are busy but it’s just bloody rude. Then they swan up anyway and expect it to be ok.

OP posts:
chickenowner · 14/08/2018 08:51

It really annoys me too. I don't know if it means...

  1. They are not attending.
  2. They haven't decided yet, they may or may not attend.
  3. They haven't got time to answer now but will later. May or may not attend.
  4. I am not important enough to have to bother answering. Not attending.
  5. They are attending but forgot to reply.
  6. They are not attending but forgot to reply.
  7. They are attending but will only tell me 10 minutes before the event.

Then if I send another message asking for a reply I am made to feel like a nag, or overly anxious, or something.

I have actually ended a few friendships over this. It's just so rude.

chickenowner · 14/08/2018 08:53

restingbemusedface

I could give you a list of names of former friends of mine who always do this, or at least they did to me.

In the end I assumed that they were trying to passively aggressively tell me that they didn't want to spend time with me so I stopped inviting them to things.

ShirleyPhallus · 14/08/2018 08:53

I’ve done it before. Misplaced the invite by chucking it in my handbag / kitchen drawer then utterly forgotten the event even existed.

I used to organise events for a living so no need to tell me how irritating this is Wink

Pinkvoid · 14/08/2018 08:53

I’ve done it twice.

My DC are notoriously bad for leaving things in their trays at school. DS did it with an invite and I subsequently didn’t receive said invite until a few days after the RSVP. I apologised profusely to the parent and explained, I don’t think they bought it and have blanked me ever since.

Second time I was in hospital having just had a missed miscarriage which very nearly killed me. My DM was looking after the DC and she missed the invitation. I had other stuff on my mind than a kids birthday party, like no offence to the mum in question but you know... again, I didn’t get the invite till close to the RSVP date. Since it was for DC2, who is anxious and won’t be left at parties AT ALL, I told the mum when I next saw her that DD couldn’t go and explained why rsvp was late. Again, she’s blanked me ever since. Sigh.

ShirleyPhallus · 14/08/2018 08:59

On mumsnet everyone seems to hate people who don’t respond,

That’s because on mumsnet everyone is absolutely perfect to the point of judgement when they’d 100% absolutely never put a foot wrong themselves

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 14/08/2018 09:02

I always RSVP but recently a friend of mine complained about having to do so for a party her dc had been invited to.

Her reasoning was along the lines of: we don't know what we will be doing that far ahead.

I just don't get that. If you don't know, because you currently have no plans, surely an invite is now 'plans' and dc can go. Or was I missing something?

arranfan · 14/08/2018 09:06

Seriously? Because most of the time that somebody literally gives an invitation to DH, issues it orally, or texts it to him, he forgets to tell/give it to me.

I have no idea the event is happening until I find out later and am mortified.

Original poster
IAmADancer · 14/08/2018 09:07

Also I The invites were given out 5 weeks prior, as I know people like time to respond.
Invites were given out by staff directly to parents, so not left in a tray.
I have subsequently seen various parents of kids invited at other parties or at pick up and no one has bothered to speak to me and say thanks or no thanks.

OP posts:
QueenAravisOfArchenland · 14/08/2018 09:10

I've done it a few times recently. In my case, it's because DC2 has fucked my short term memory and I thought I'd answered them to say we were coming when I actually hadn't.

"We don't know what we'll be doing that far ahead" is just plain rude though.

TeenTimesTwo · 14/08/2018 09:19

5 weeks is a long lead time for a children's party. Less than 2 weeks might elicit more responses.
People doing shift work / zero hours might not know their shifts.
If they need childcare for a different child, might be trying to find that and family might not be willing to commit so far in advance.
Child might be a bit reluctant to go and parent might be trying to persuade.

Original poster
IAmADancer · 14/08/2018 09:20

@teentimestwo I get all of that but does that mean you are incapable of responding.....

OP posts:
MilkybarGrownup · 14/08/2018 09:27

Funnily enough I've just seen an FB request for the late RSVPs for an event we had been invited to on my husband's side. And I had made the same error I always do:

I had expected my fully grown, fully functioning husband to RSVP on behalf of us (I don't know them that well, he does and he has contact with them)
I had told him to a number of times to reply. It only required a text. A few words to say we regretfully couldn't attend. And just like the last two family events on his side, AGAIN I was left apologising. I should know my lesson by now. It's wifework is t it?

As for school invites I usually accept right then and there upon receipt of the invite, then I make sure not to make plans for that day so my DC can go. It's rare that we have plans very far ahead that I'm not able to change.

greendale17 · 14/08/2018 09:54

I think people may be hedging their bets, to see if a better option comes along, before they accept.

^I agree. These people infuriate me. Very rude and bad manners

NadiaLeon · 14/08/2018 09:58

I know i can be slow at responding if I am waiting to know about other things like : can partner make it (can be slow getting an answer)
We may go on holiday
We may have built-in works starting
Family could be I'll so often things not concrete until last minute.

Nothing to get upset about though.

juneau · 14/08/2018 10:01

I sometimes forget. We usually get birthday party invites via the parents Whatsapp group. They are often months in advance of the party, so I think I'll respond later on. But then the message gets buried by hundreds of others and I just forget. Paper invites are better as I do reply to those and they're usually within 3-4 weeks of the actual event, so I know what we're doing. But I'm not going to prioritise a kids' birthday party (one of about 35 my kids get invited to every year, over a family event or something more important that might crop up.

tigercub50 · 14/08/2018 10:03

Built - in works made me 🙂

Coldilox · 14/08/2018 10:03

It's my son's party on Saturday (4). Out of 35 invites, by last weekend 15 had not responded. Nursery staff handed invites directly to parents, they don't put them in bags. Nursery staff reminded all those who hadn't replied last week. Only a further 4 replies (2 yes 2 no). So 11 people have been invited, have been reminded, and still don't have the courtesy to let us know. Having to get extra stuff for party bags/food just in case extras turn up. Driving me mad!

Metoodear · 14/08/2018 10:06

tick is not to put the address on the invite put an area say Hampshire but not the address that way they only get it onc RSVP

Original poster
IAmADancer · 14/08/2018 10:07

@juneau and @nadialeon do you not think it a bit rude though. Someone has been kind enough to include your child in a birthday party. That parent needs to pay for the food and party bags and needs to budget accordingly. Can you not just be polite and say, thanks for the invite but we can’t make it. If you have something else you’d rather be doing just send a message and say thank you we can’t make it. It’s called manners.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 14/08/2018 10:07

Given out by school staff? I hate this expectation that it is the teachers job to act as a go between for parents to hand out party invitations. They have enough to do and it is your job to sort and arrange not their's.

Original poster
IAmADancer · 14/08/2018 10:07

@coldilox I feel your pain. It’s utterly ridiculous

OP posts:
smigglepiggle · 14/08/2018 10:08

Had this at my daughter's 3rd birthday. No replies ended up showing up. I'd pre-paid though so I said "sorry, I didn't hear from you so we booked it for x amount of kids. If you'd let me know there was even a chance of you turning up then I could have sorted something but sadly not. " turned away one very teary 3 year old and angry parent and I did feel bad about the kid but at the same time I would have probably done the same had it been flexible. Doesn't show a great example to the kids and makes the parents think bloody hard next time. #bitofabitch