AIBU to ask people who don’t respond to invites why you don’t respond?

[IAmADancer]

I know this has been done to death but why if you get an invite to something do you not bother to respond? I don’t understand? Is it so hard to text/email and just say thanks or no thanks. Also why do people not respond and then turn up anyway! It means I have catered for a certain amount of people and then people appear whom I had no idea were coming.
Can anyone answer this for me, I am baffled!

I'm waiting for responses for my daughter's party at the moment. It's infuriating but as we've booked it on the bank holiday weekend I think people are waiting to see if they get a better offer. Luckily it's just a village hall party so anyone can turn up but I do feel that most of the time there isn't a good reason just to ignore.

I believe it is that some are waiting for a better offer

After years of children's parties I did learn to hunt down the parents of invitees and get a definitive answer. A lot of party places are quite pricey per child and no one want to waste money. Conversely an unexpected extra child then messes up the plans.

I even had this issue at my wedding. Numbers were tight. Some family members didint RSVP until very near to the date ( and only then as DM chased them up for me). Weddings are stressful enough without added pressures of sorting out catering with the venue with an uncertain never of guests.

People can be nconsiderate.

I only once missed a children's part invite for DS. It had got screwed up in the bottom of his bookbag so I didnt see it. I phoned the parent and apologised profusely.

It’s so annoying when ppl don’t reply to invites nobody thinks about the poor child who’s party it is, my son’s last party aged 4 we invited the whole class, 5 Children turned up, it cost £150 for a party for five bloody kids I would of rather cancelled and taken the children somewhere better or invited siblings. He was sad and upset it’s heartbreaking, it’s put me off having another party again EVER!

Totally agree! If they don’t respond then don’t cater for them. Simples. It’s not worth getting upset about.

@Sophlou I get what you’re saying but recently at 2/3 of the kids parties 5/6 parents have turned up without ever having responded. Plus they usually turn up with both parents and sometimes siblings in tow. This happened to one of the mums who I’m friends with and it totally messed everything up at the party as she hadn’t expected them.

Melj a lot of those still fall into the can't be arsed area though - forgetting is a form of not being arsed, your ex not doing anything is him not being arsed, not knowing about work/childcare well you could reply to say that. Sometimes people are too ill or dead to reply but mostly it's a lack of effort.

That wee five boy only having a handful of people at his party - would that be enough to make people actually bother? I don't know.

This infuriates me. Usually here you get the non-responders turning up with siblings in tow expecting them to be catered for too! My DD is having a party this year, as per school requests her entire class will be invited, so that's 30 kids invited plus her friends from the other class & outside school; catering for that many kids anyway is a bloody nightmare without factoring in no shows and/or extra kids snuck in. I'm making my life easier this year & doing named food boxes for each child. Basically, if your name isn't down you genuinely aren't getting fed!

I think some can't be arsed and others might have good reason. I would never exclude a child whose parent's haven't responded from future parties though as it's essentially punishing the child for the actions of the parent. We spent most of ds summer term in reception in hospital with his terminally ill sister and it is entirely possible invitations were missed. I've never knowingly not replied but can't guarantee it hasn't happened.

Also I would still reply to invites from kids who haven't replied to ds' as 1) you don't know why they haven't replied 2) lead by example.

I just had this too. Ended up chasing some parents who were all very apologetic but a few waiting to see if better offer came up for definite. The other thing that really annoyed me was parents automatically assuming it was OK to bring older siblings (who hadn't been included on invitation)

@codswallopandbalderdash don’t get me started on the sibling thing! I started a thread about that too and basically got told it’s normal!!

I sent out party invites for my DD's party (Year 1) 3.5 weeks in advance.

I didn't get a reply from one of the other mums (who I knew by sight) so when I passed her in the playground 3 days before party I asked if she'd got the invite because party was in 3 days. She said Yes, she'd got it. And walked on. (Didn't RSVP, didn't turn up).

Then I had another on a separate occasion who didn't RSVP for her invited DD but did turn up unannounced AND brought their toddler sibling DD along too, who the mum fully expected to be able to join in the party (soft play, so price per attendee- not the sort of thing you can just bung another one in). I explained this so she paid for her DD to play as normal but then asked me for a party bag for the toddler at the end (again, not possible as the centre provided party bags for the party attendees only)... she was surprised and annoyed that I couldn't provide one even though they were clearly handled and provided by the centre from behind the counter...

I wonder about those who 'have precious weekend time' taken up by parties feel they are invading others weekends for their own DCs parties, and therefore not throw them a party?

We have never done class parties as I think it's a total over indulgence and unnecessary. Kids need a handful of friends for a small gathering. No need for total madness.

1. ignorance - some people don’t realise what RSVP means. Seriously or at least one mum at DS’s primary school didn’t. I saw her and asked if she had seen the invite and if X was able to attend DS’s party etc. She honestly said ‘no he’s not going and I didn’t think I had to let you know if he wasn’t going’.
2. rudeness - they like to hedge their bets and don’t care enough about you or your invite to bother contacting you promptly to thank you for the invite and respond either way.
3. they are genuinely unable to commit due to factors beyond their control I.e. babysitters, health, try to swapping a work pattern, ill health, double booking etc.
4. some people are just very disorganised and forget to this until the last minute if at all. In my experience with most people it’s 2) or 4). A friend recently organised a special birthday party which sounded lovely and as though it would be a lot of work and expense to put together. I know she stresses and is a very organised person. I received her invite on a Saturday afternoon. I checked with DH and sorted out a sitter the day after I received the invite and looked into transport. I decided I wanted to get her a nice little card thanking her for the invitation and letting her know that we would be coming but I hadn’t managed to get into town with work to get one until the Friday morning when I was meeting her for coffee so I let her know verbally then that we would definitely be going and that we were really looking forward to it. She was so pleased and so relieved as it was a summer party and some friends had already committed to attending weddings and anniversary party’s etc so she was worried it might be a flop. But some people don’t think about the effort that goes into some celebrations or have the manners to reply to an invite in a timely manner.

So I’d be really interested to hear from the people who don’t bother to rsvp and then turn up with siblings in tow......

IAm I would too! I wouldn't dream of turning up to a party with a sibling and expect them to be able to join in unannounced. Even if it was a house party let alone a price per head party. I don't understand people who do that. If everyone who had a sibling brought them then that would double the size of a party. It's selfish. (and entitled).

Perhaps this wouldn't happen with smaller parties reserved for close friends? I'm in NZ and the whole-class party isn't really a thing, or at least not in my circles. DS is turning 4 soon, we've invited 5 kids - 2 from kindy, 2 from church, 1 cousin. Had RSVPs from 3, the other 2 I'll chase up with a text in a few days. It's not a huge deal or faff, and I've never had someone turn up without saying so beforehand - but that's probably because we know most invitees socially anyway. I can't imagine doing 30 kids for a party, that would do my head in - and I can imagine RSVPs are a bigger deal for catering etc.

Sometimes it's simply a case of not knowing whether it will be possible to attend until closer to the time? This is why I like fb invites, you can give the option of 'maybe' attending and then decide close to the time. I do realise that isn't quite what the organiser would prefer though.

In our family there are 4 different people with different schedules and priorities, and things like birthday parties have to be juggled along with life admin, other events, work etc etc. If I'm given an invite for one child, it is not always possible to give an equivocal 'yes' straight away.

For big events like weddings or big family birthday parties the diary gets cleared - even if that means letting other events like school birthday parties down. Where possible, we do try and give some sort of answer straight away - even if it is a 'we'll know in a week or two whether it will be possible' .

For example, this weekend I had a big lunch with friends planned, it has been in the diary for months, but then yesterday it turns out I have to help a friend with something and look after kids, so the lunch has had a changed RSVP from me. Why can't people understand that priorities change...?

But if you're still unsure johnny then why not message the parents and thank them for the invite but you've got xyz happening but will let them know. That means they know you've got it and you're planning on responding. It's the radio silence that I find frustrating!

Well, I recently didn't respond to an invite, I do feel guilty about it, but here are my 'reasons':

1. the invite was by facebook so didn't seem that formal
2. it was bloody ages ago (the event is next week) and I kept putting it off
3. I had tentative plans and wasn't sure when they would be firmed up
4. the message was to a group of over 100 people, I felt insignificant and also a bit embarrassed to reply in the group message as I know almost none of them
5. the people I do know in that group I did not see respond, though having spoken to a couple of them they seem to think they are going but have not told the host
6. it's an ex bf's birthday and his current gf has sent the invite, I have no idea if she knows how I know him, she just sent the invite to his whole fb list
7. the longer I left it, the worse it seemed to now reply

I'm not normally like this but I think indecision mixed with a bit of anxiety over it caused the problem.

She did say at some point that she needed to know by some date in July, and I guess anyone who had not responded yes by then she would assume was a no (not sure how that's going to affect the guys who said they are going but not responded - oh well!)

@jonny I get that but just acknowledge the invite, that’s all I’m asking

The posters saying 'nothing to get worked up about' etc are clearly the ones who don't respond.

It's just rude. No dressing it up, it's rude.

For my wedding, I'm putting someone on the door with a list of all people invited and the ones that RSVP'd highlighted. Anyone that didn't respond but turns up anyway will be turned away.

I hate people not RSVPing. My bugbear is also people who say they are coming and then don’t. 6 people didn’t attend my son’s Christening after saying that they would. The cateres charged me £14.50 a head. So £87 down the drain for no reason. The excuses I eventually received included “slept in” and decided to do something else.

"The posters saying 'nothing to get worked up about' etc are clearly the ones who don't respond.

It's just rude. No dressing it up, it's rude."

Yep. I loved Pp who said her life is busy enough without having to deal with all the kid admin.

My friend had to shell out an extra £150 for siblings turning up and didn't have enough favours for every kid so the ones missing out were all screaming. It was a shit show.

People wonder why some kids seem so entitled and rude these days.... it thinks it's pretty obviously partly ignorant parenting.