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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask people who don’t respond to invites why you don’t respond?

129 replies

IAmADancer · 14/08/2018 08:34

I know this has been done to death but why if you get an invite to something do you not bother to respond? I don’t understand? Is it so hard to text/email and just say thanks or no thanks. Also why do people not respond and then turn up anyway! It means I have catered for a certain amount of people and then people appear whom I had no idea were coming.
Can anyone answer this for me, I am baffled!

OP posts:
Butterflycookie · 15/08/2018 03:25

Parties weren’t a thing in my class. Wouldn’t it be easier if you invited a few friends of the birthday girl/boy that they are close too. I don’t think I would enjoy having to chase people up all the time.
However, I really don’t get why people can’t just send a text. If you’re not doing anything then reply yes but if you are unsure or you can’t make it then reply no. What’s so difficult! You can’t really say I’ll wait if there is a better option before deciding. A better option of what? Of course if you originally said you could make it and have a valid reason to cancel then that’s fine. But just let people know!

KERALA1 · 15/08/2018 07:01

Because they are hedging their bets. It's crap and would never do it but they don't reply in case they get a better offer or can't be arsed on the day.

Get to know your kids friends parents and then only invite their proper friends to parties. This doesn't happen then. Dds 9th 8 carefully chosen friends whatsapped the mums all of whom I know I everyone responded within 12 hours. These issues arise with whole class nonsense inviting kids your child barely knows or plays with with parents who are strangers to you this is how you get treated they have no buy in to be polite to you.

Original poster
IAmADancer · 15/08/2018 08:03

@KERALA1 definitely the last time I do a whole class party!

OP posts:
Cyclingforcake · 15/08/2018 08:26

Sometimes people don’t reply/reply late because life gets in the way. For example. Last invitation we had - came home in nursery bag, looked at date, realised we had something on the day before, texted other person to get exact timings so we could work out whether we could fit it in, got distracted by tea, bath, story, bed. No reply from other friend yet, but hey it’s friday night, they’re probably busy too. Plan to chase it all up the next day. I’m not sure party mum needed to know what else is happening in our lives that weekend so no text from me yet.
Then waters break, suddenly in hospital having an earlier than expected baby. Do you what the last thing in my mind was - yup the party invitation.
Finally reply a couple of weeks later with apologies. And being a reasonable human being party mum says ‘no worries, glad you can make it and congratulations on the baby.’ So glad we haven’t been blacklisted for events beyond our control.

IceCreamFace · 15/08/2018 08:41

YANBU some people don't respond even knowing full well they can't go (holiday been booked for ages) why not just answer?!

IceCreamFace · 15/08/2018 08:43

I think everyone realises that if you're in labour or in surgery or something you might forget to RSVP and that's fine but lots of people just routinely don't bother despite reminders etc and it's bloody annoying!

youarenot · 15/08/2018 08:46

My DC2 is going in to reception this year.
He had 2 invites during the last nursery year to parties.

1 was handed to him as we were leaving nursery one day, he put it in his bag before I'd even fully registered what had happened. Then it wasn't discovered again until 5 days before the party. I text to explain the delay in response but I did not receive a response at all.
Was talking to one of my friends / his friends mother & I was saying that I'd replied but hadn't received a response (fair enough, it was 2 days past RSVP date) and the party parent overheard but still blanked me. Didn't speak again until the last week of Nursery - quite a few months later...

The other I replied within 2 days of getting it, only because I had to check with his dad in regards to whether he would be in to watch the other children, whether he wanted to take DC to the party etc... We didn't go (but did RSVP that he wouldn't be able to attend - that I did receive a response to) as his father is useless but that's a whole other thread.

SpiritedLondon · 15/08/2018 08:51

You are not wrong to be annoyed but seriously if you’re talking about children’s parties I get swamped with invites. My DD can easily go weeks with 2 or 3 parties over every weekend - it’s a sausage factory of present buying and party attending. Invites can be given up to 2 months before the party so it’s quite far ahead to remember. We received a text yesterday for the end of September. Any failure on my part to RSVP is only due to forgetfulness and busy-ness and nothing else should be read into it.

BrynhildurWhitemane · 15/08/2018 09:26

Have a calendar on the wall, nice big visual reminder right there. Put stuff on it as soon as you can, with a reminder if you need to reply. Or use the calendar in your phone, with similar reminders.

frogsoup · 15/08/2018 09:30

It's happened (to my knowledge) twice when DS has forgotten to give me the invite! Otherwise my response rate is 100%, it'd be astonishingly rude to just not bother. But I've never had the problem people seem to have on here, have always pretty near had 100% response rates.

Original poster
IAmADancer · 15/08/2018 10:03

I think I just have to accept that some people just can’t be arsed to respond. I think it is breathtakingly rude to not just send a form of response but apparently lots of people don’t think it’s rude

OP posts:
SpiritedLondon · 15/08/2018 10:14

You’ve been given lots of examples where people have not RSVP’d for pretty valid reasons but are choosing to see it in a dramatic way. I get it, it’s frustrating. I’ve had to chase people for responses but I don’t choose to believe they’re being deliberately difficult I just presume they’re busy!

Original poster
IAmADancer · 15/08/2018 10:34

@SpiritedLondon I’m not talking about the people who have valid reasons, most of those have then texted the host to apologise/explain etc. I’m talking about the posters who simply can’t be bothered cause it’s too much effort for them and there have been quite a few of those.

OP posts:
BuntyII · 15/08/2018 10:37

My DH has a bigger family and social circle so most of our invites end up in his hands and he either forgets/doesn't tell me/doesn't bother and if I see him actively not bothering then I don't bother either. If he doesn't care whether his childhood mate knows if we are going to his wedding or not then I care even less.

hiddeneverything · 15/08/2018 10:58

I think it's rude not to reply - I am very disorganised but do always let them know one way or they other, even if it's later than requested (I'm talking the week before, not the day before). One of my friends was recently stressing that not many people had replied about her son's birthday party but I pointed out it was still two months/six weeks away at that point!

Hullygully · 15/08/2018 11:44

They are rude.

Simple good manners developed to make society function smoothly.

Not following them means either stupidity or rudeness.

SpiritedLondon · 15/08/2018 11:59

I think if you’re having an event in August or early September it’s doubly difficult. Lots of people are on holiday and would have been prioritising those arrangements. We received invitations in the last weeks of term for the 2nd week of September.... there is a lot of shit to deal with between those dates. Sadly in my house if I don’t remember no one else is going to as “ remembering shit” seems to come under the heading of “ wife work”. You do have my sympathies but it’s pretty tough to say it’s merely stupidity or rudeness.

suzy2b · 15/08/2018 13:52

I invited about 30 to granddaughters party had about 5 returns and had about 10 turn up so much food wasted loads of party bags left so now no more partys i kown her birthday is near christmas 28th nov but people could at least reply

melj1213 · 15/08/2018 13:59

I think I just have to accept that some people just can’t be arsed to respond

But how do you know they "just can't be arsed" and that they dont have a reason that they just haven't shared because they don't want/feel the need to explain themselves to you?

I have occasionally not RSVPed and it's never because I can't be arsed but because something else requires more attention or I have genuinely forgotten/thought it had been dealt with.

  1. the invite never made it home
  2. the invite went to exDHs house and I never heard about it
  3. the invite went to exDHs house, he told me about it but I didn't immediately record it somewhere and it slipped my mind
  4. I received the invite but it was for a long time away and I can't reply as I don't have my work schedule yet.
  5. I received the invite but it was short notice and I can't reply until I can confirm work schedules/existing commitments
  6. I received an invite for DD but it is for a time when DD is with her dad so I have to pass it on to him and then he has to check his schedule.
  7. I have an invite for an adult event but it's when I have DD so I have to arrange childcare first before I can confirm.
  8. I have an invite but have to confirm logistics with other commitments first
  9. I have had to check my schedule while not having my diary on me and forgotten to go back and respond
  10. I've received an invite whilst in the middle of doing something else, put it to one side to deal with later and forgotten that I've not actually replied
wizzywig · 15/08/2018 14:01

I did it as payback for someone doing it to me

MorbidMuch · 15/08/2018 14:35

OP, I've been in your position and it's really frustrating, especially when the number of non-RSVPers is above 5 as trying to guess how many might still turn up anyway means I've ended up massively over-catering and having loads of spares of party bag stuff in the past.

Last year was better as by then I had contact details of most of my non-responders so I could chase. This year has been even better as we have invited fewer children and the one I didn't have contact details for RSVPed straight away.

For a lot of the reasons given on this thread for non-responding the issues for the party parent could be alleviated with a holding text - particularly if the invite is from someone who doesn't have your number.

'Thanks for inviting X to Y's party. I'm afraid that I can't confirm attendance until [date] [optional reason why, like waiting for work schedule to be confirmed]. I'll be in touch then.'

Then if you forget / life gets in the way, the party parent can gently chase up at that date.

However, if you know it is highly unlikely you will take your child as you will prioritise pretty much anything else than a birthday party, just decline when you get the invite.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 15/08/2018 14:46

If you don't know that far ahead then the polite thing would be to text that you can't commit just now but would it be ok to let them know nearer the time. Then make sure you do either way.

Most of these excuses are rubbish. And genuine oversights should be followed up with an apology.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 15/08/2018 14:47

I hadn't read your post morbid

but exactly.

IceCreamFace · 15/08/2018 14:47

But how do you know they "just can't be arsed" and that they dont have a reason that they just haven't shared because they don't want/feel the need to explain themselves to you?

I know for a fact they can't be arsed because when my friend was arranging a party (had to pay in advance pp so needed to know). She sent invites and chased up with an email. Quite a few non responses even though the people replied to other emails/posted on Facebook etc. Some people just can't be bothered to respond you have to ask them in person. (Friend in question doesn't do school pick up so doesn't have that option).

lapenguin · 15/08/2018 14:51

We tried inviting family to our DCs birthday party on Facebook as it was easier and you get reminders every so often etc
You can also see who has seen your invite
Which is great when they don't reply and you can see that they know about it