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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask people who don’t respond to invites why you don’t respond?

129 replies

IAmADancer · 14/08/2018 08:34

I know this has been done to death but why if you get an invite to something do you not bother to respond? I don’t understand? Is it so hard to text/email and just say thanks or no thanks. Also why do people not respond and then turn up anyway! It means I have catered for a certain amount of people and then people appear whom I had no idea were coming.
Can anyone answer this for me, I am baffled!

OP posts:
witchhazelblue · 14/08/2018 11:16

I have problems when school parties fall on weekends my DC is with their dad. He never responds either way to invites as he expects me to still do the wifework despire us being divorced. I then usually get the parent of the birthday child chasing me - meaning I have to chase him and end up doing his job for him as usual. Recently I've ended up having to apologise to birthday child's parents for his lack of response and handing out his mobile number for them to contact directly. As the only divorced family in a class of 30 I do get the disbelieving silence from a lot of the other parents when this happens and this year I've noticed DC doesnt get invited to parties much. Sad

Personal circumstances aren't always as easy as just 'being rude'.

chocatoo · 14/08/2018 11:22

Because they are disorganised or don’t yet know whether they are able to attend.

DoneAdulting · 14/08/2018 11:29

So I've been known to not respond to invites - and it's always because I don't want to go but don't want to face the 'but why not?' questions and having to justify it to my needy and attention seeking family members, who get offended at absolutely everything.

For example I've ignored an invitation to a christening, I'm not going and I have a valid reason why. If I tell the hosts I'm not going and my reason why, they will not accept it and it will cause a 'thing' that quite frankly I cba with. If they want to be offended then that's their problem not mine.

Original poster
IAmADancer · 14/08/2018 11:30

I have no problem with people not knowing if they can make it etc but once you do know just drop me a message and let me know. Obviously @witchhazelblue has good reason and I totally get that but come on people, just say no they can’t come.
I do not understand how that concept is so difficult to grasp.

OP posts:
Original poster
IAmADancer · 14/08/2018 11:33

@DoneAdulting that is just weird. To the parents who have said they can’t come I have just responded with a thanks for letting me know. That’s it, end of story, I cross you off the list and it’s one less person to provide for. I don’t care if you don’t want to come or what the reason is, I just want a yes or no so I can cater for it etc.

OP posts:
chocatoo · 14/08/2018 14:55

OP you asked ‘why’ - I don’t feel that you should berate the people who have given the answers.

thecatsthecats · 14/08/2018 15:06

I know that it's not exactly nice to feel like you're not a priority to someone, but I can't get het up about the idea that sometimes people don't want to commit.

Do some people actually accept every invite they get, even if they know it's not THAT appealing, and something may well come up that's better?

I was invited to my friend's boyfriend's 30th recently, but held off with the classic 'checking with fiance', who happened to find something he'd 'already' booked us tickets to.

The barely-known fiance won't miss us (not sure he'd invite us for his own sake), and it's two hours away.

thecatsthecats · 14/08/2018 15:10

IAmADancer

In DoneAdulting she explains why not though. The whole 'invite, not summons' thing is a nice Mumsnetty concept that has no relationship with real life a lot of the time.

I declined a wedding invite to an evening do on a Monday evening and apparently caused distress to the bride by doing so without explaining why. As if a Monday evening do 3 hours from my home needed EXPLAINING as an unreasonable request!

Original poster
IAmADancer · 14/08/2018 15:22

@thecatsthecats I’m not asking you to explain why your declining, that’s not what I care about. It’s when you don’t acknowledge the invite by just politely declining. I couldn’t give two hoots if you turn it down, I would just appreciate a no thank you. No explanation required.
I feel like that about all invites whether it be kids parties, weddings, birthdays etc etc. If you don’t want to come that is fine but just have the decency to respond. Maybe I had a different upbringing, manners were very important in our household. If you couldn’t or didn’t want to attend something you politely declined, you didn’t just ignore the hosts invite.

OP posts:
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 14/08/2018 15:24

Because I have crippling anxiety and poor executive functioning and severe social awkwardness which n makes me overthink it, panic about the right thing to say, and then just avoid the situation.

Original poster
IAmADancer · 14/08/2018 15:25

@blairwaldorfsheadband I’m sorry you have to deal with crippling anxiety, I know how dreadful that can be having dealt with it myself in the past

OP posts:
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 14/08/2018 15:28

IAmADancer it’s horrible. I dread invitations because I have no idea how to accept or decline politely so I just spend ages thinking about what to say and then get upset about it.

I usually let DP send the responses lol.

RoseWhiteTips · 14/08/2018 15:29

It’s rude to wait - for whatever reason - before informing the person/people who have been kind enough to invite you.

🙄

RoseWhiteTips · 14/08/2018 15:31

Manners.

HotblackDesiatoto · 14/08/2018 15:33

ah I feel for you, it’s horrible and people are horrible

What a nasty attitude you have. People forget, invites get lost, shit happens. I normally RSVp but no-one is infallible...there was the time we only found the invite inside a book in the childs bag a week after the party, there was the time we RSVP's but totally forgot as another DC was in hospital and we forgot a lot of things that week, there was the time it was 6 weeks ahead and I couldn't say yes or no straight away as we didn't have our work rotas for that weekend, and simply forgot until a few days before the party.

It doesn't mean people are all horrible Hmm

Original poster
IAmADancer · 14/08/2018 15:40

@hotblackdesiatoto if you just can’t be arsed to respond to a small child’s birthday party because something better might come up, you can’t be bothered to text no thank you, you think it’s fine to just rock up without responding, then yes, I think you are pretty horrible. If you have a valid reason like the ones you listed above then I totally get it. They are totally beyond your control, it’s not wanton disregard of other people’s feelings.

OP posts:
HotblackDesiatoto · 14/08/2018 15:43

You don't know which it is though, so assuming other people are horrible is not on.

Original poster
IAmADancer · 14/08/2018 15:48

@hotblackdesiatoto ok but say I found the invite after the event, I would text and apologise for not responding, if I didn’t know my work schedule I would text and just let them know. I just don’t understand how sending a to the point message explaining is so difficult.

OP posts:
AuntieUrsula · 14/08/2018 15:54

I get that people can't always reply immediately for one reason or another, or they might simply forget - given how much most people have going on in their lives!

But I would always assume that someone who didn't reply to an invitation wasn't coming. To just show up for a party when you haven't responded is plain rude and I can't see any excuse for it.

Also attitudes like NadiaLeon's - that it's no big deal and if someone doesn't reply, you simply don't cater for them - are rather selfish. What if everyone thought like that? It might not matter that much if the host ends up with 20 or 21 (depending on the type of party) but it's bound to make a difference if it's 20 or 5!

chillpizza · 14/08/2018 16:02

I always respond as soon as the invite hits my hand, I put it on my phone calendar so I can check if we are free or not instantly. 99% of the time it’s a simple “thank you for inviting X to Y’s party they would love to come. Chillpizza”

Some people believe an invite has to be accepted so don’t rsvp and others believe a non response means no we are not coming. We have both those types and the instant responders at my children’s school.

Original poster
IAmADancer · 14/08/2018 16:05

I might start putting, please RSVP either way so I can account for numbers

OP posts:
Stimmyplip · 14/08/2018 16:16

My friend who does this with every invite I give her always says 'maybe'. She sometimes turns up, sometimes doesn't but will never clarify beforehand.

Someone asked her once and she admitted to waits to see if there are better options. Hmm

For ds's parry this year I will be very clear on the invite that I need to hear back by a certain date or I'll assume people aren't coming. We're booking something which only allows small numbers. A friend booked the same place last year and ended up with only two kids there! Another friend booked the same place and had 10 extra! People who didn't bother replying even expected siblings!

I just can't fucking deal with people's rudeness these days!

Original poster
IAmADancer · 14/08/2018 16:22

@stimmyplip I’m amazed by the amount of people who don’t seem to think it’s rude, that it’s ok to act like that

OP posts:
NadiaLeon · 14/08/2018 18:11

@AuntieUrsula

It's just living life and not being too affected by other people's rudeness.
If you don't respond affirmatively, then you don't have entrance.
Not sure why a child's party is different from a wedding.
You need to know numbers.

nicelyneurotic · 14/08/2018 18:43

I'm guilty of this. I work full time. It's usually:
1.I haven't seen the invite in their bag until it's too late
2.I've misplaced the invite and can't remember the details/don't have the parent's number

  1. I mean to reply and completely forget
  2. I need to check with their dad if he would take them if it falls on one of his days, and then he forgets

Yes, I know, it's just a text how hard can it be. But it's that, plus the three emails/messages I've received from the school that day, plus some dress up crap, plus some payment for a school trip or after school club activity, homework, overnight bag for their dad etc etc. The admin for kids is never ending and i have my own job and life too.