To think I need to stop self-doubting my desire to be childfree

[Candlerow2018]

I spent most of my teens and early twenties assuming that one day I would I would wake up with a deep, sincere desire to start a family. I always envisaged that I would eventually have a small family, perhaps two children at the most, and whilst that biological urge has never arrived I still thought that even if it wasn't an instinctive decision it would at least be a logical one that would be made when we were in a good position to start a family.

I'm now in my thirties, married and financially stable. Even if the biological desire still hasn't arrived my head tells me this would be the perfect time for us to start a family but....I just don't want to. Turns out my husband has arrived at the same conclusion.

Our lives are very comfortable and we have a strong, committed relationship. There is a fantastic chance that a childfree life together could be a wonderful thing, with no new stresses to take their toll on our relationship and finances. Yet I can't seem to give myself permission to not have children. We're socialised from such a young age to believe that having children is the natural culmination of a relationship that despite everything I read about the decreasing social stigma of childfree couples it still seems like such a controversial decision to make.

I enjoyed a wonderful childhood with several siblings of my own and the only aspect of being childfree that occasionally causes me pain is the thought of being lonely in my old age with no one to visit me or fight my corner if I go into a home! I recognise that that's not a good enough reason to have children! I'm also hopeful that by the time I reach old age, being childfree will genuinely be such a real alternative for women that I won't necessarily be in the minority.

For those of you who are childfree, or ever seriously considered making that choice, how did you accept your decision? Did you just drift along waiting for the maternal feelings to flood in, only to wake up one day years later and realise that it never happened? Or did you give yourself permission to accept it earlier in your life and continue to plan your childfree life accordingly?

For me it helps to think that choosing not to have children doesn’t necessarily mean a completely childfree life. I have nieces, godchildren, etc. I can adopt at some point if I wish or foster. I’m pretty happy with my choice. I think it’s normal to doubt yourself on such a big issue. Have you considered a short round of counselling to really thrash through what’s making you feel this way?

I have never wanted children, I knew from very very young I didn’t.
It’s suited me fine and I’ve never had doubts

I don't think I've ever wanted them and cannot fathom how peope can pay thousands on IVF. You shouldn't have children if you're indifferent as they should be wanted. I'm late thirties and haven't regretted it.

Watching this thread with interest! I’m trying to convince myself that having a child is what I want when I’m pretty sure it isn’t. I’m just at that age where everyone is doing it and I feel like a freak because it’s not what I want to do.

I drifted along dithering, never the right time, etc...

I turned 40, decided I was too old, got way fitter & have just realised it's for the best. Christmas is a bit bleak but that's cos we're a bit crap & the fomo is strong, due to all the perfect nuclear family stuff on the TV.

But day-to-day, life is easier, we can retire sooner, etc. There was a thread in here about stuff one could do if you had no kids a couple of weeks ago & we really are a bit crap, as we don't travel but very happy with life just now. Just wish I hadn't wasted so much time dithering...

I think my body just never got the memo. I get intellectually that a lot of people love having kids but I have no comprehension of why, and the stories about the lovely cuddly bits etc don't change that. I know I'm happiest & healthiest not being a parent.

I'm a lesbian, which means contraception has never been a worry, I dont think I could stand living with anyone and I have a huge phobia of messy eaters which means I couldn't be around at toddler mealtimes anyway, so it's probably a good thing!

As a mother of 3 lovely children and the daughter of a mother who just had children because that’s what you do when you get married, I would say don’t have children.

Nothing hurts a child more than knowing you caused your parent misery simply by being born. It’s a tough act to fake, if you don’t have that deep, inner desire then don’t have children.

Children are wonderful, they change your life and body forever. They will test your patience to the limit, they will cause untold worry and joy. You will spend years never having enough sleep and your identity changes to someone’s mum and you are suddenly not as important as the being you created.

It’s a lifelong commitment and you got to want it so badly to make the best job of it.

I have one child and feel the same about giving ourselves permission to have “just” one. We have no urge for another, it would be just for social pressure and that can’t be a good reason to make a new human being. Same as you.

I'm like you op. In the end I had a couple of counselling sessions. I'm confident in my childfree choice but I also feel the need to conform to society expectations and I feel judged by many- I came to realise it was that I was struggling with the most.

I'd be devastated if I got pregnant, I just don't want it for me. Luckily my DH is the same!!

Hi OP, great post. There's a belief that childfree people are the sort who just never wanted children, but that definitely doesn't apply to all of us. It's not always that simple.

I have agonised on an almost daily basis for about 20 years about whether to have children. I'm honestly not exaggerating. I have longed so badly for a family of my own. And yet I knew, deep down, that the reality of parenthood would have driven me crazy. I have worked with children for many years so have no illusions at all about what parenthood involves and I know that it is just not for me.

I'm coming out the other side now and starting to feel deeply grateful that I don't have children. But don't underestimate the grieving that can be involved in moving on and accepting that children will not be a part of your life, even if you know it's the right thing for you. You're absolutely spot on about being bombarded on all sides with the message that having children is 'normal' and 'right' and that can be a very difficult thing to resist. Do try though, because a childfree life can be really wonderful!

I was the same as you OP and happy with my decision. I got pregnant at 40 after years of being super careful with contraception and decided to go ahead. I love my DD but I do now have the clarity of seeing both choices and think that a child free life would have been the better one for me and that my instincts were correct. I am less of a bitch now though so perhaps on a societal level women are pressured to have children as it forces them into a nurturing role.

I am less of a bitch now though so perhaps on a societal level women are pressured to have children as it forces them into a nurturing role.

Are you suggesting that mothers are nicer people, or that women are pushed to have babies in order to erode their boundaries?

Children don't stay children though. They become adults.

If you had a baby at 40 you would have a 20 yo at 60. Off to uni or working or travelling.

It's pretty stupid to not reproduce purely because they start off as children. Being a child is the shortest phase in a person's life! For most of a typical parent's life, they "children" will be independent adults.

So when you retire you could have a couple of young adults to spend time with.

It’s terrible that you feel this way because society tells you you should have/want children. I never did want children and I never gave a single thought about what other people thought of my life choices as it’s my life, I have to live it and not them, though I have to say I have never felt judged by anyone on not having children, though as I really don’t care what anyone else thinks maybe I’m just oblivious! You don’t have to have anyone’s approval on how you choose to live your life have the courage of your convictions!

I can definitely confirm not every woman suddenly drops the ‘bitch’ act and becomes some nurturing mother hen when they become a Mother .

You should definitely only have children if you are 110% sure it’s what you want. I personally couldn’t have imagined my life without children but if I’d ever had doubts about having them, I’d have a very miserable existence right now.

It’s definitely not stupid red, it’s smart. They may only be children for 16-18 years but by fuck, those are hard years to get through. I wouldn’t recommend anyone does it purely so they have someone to visit them in the care home.

I wanted children but couldn't have them, so I'm not childfree by choice. But I then had a choice to be bitter and forever hanker after the family I couldn't have - or learn to love my childfree life. I chose the latter.

Many of my friends have multiple children, I am an aunt and a godmother, and I love them all to bits. But all of my friends are honest about how hard motherhood is, and how it completely changes your life - several of them have said they would have been quite happy having none, and they all envy my freedom to do whatever the fuck I want whenever I want.

For me it's that autonomy, complete freedom and lack of responsibility that I enjoy. And the peaceful Sunday mornings lying on the sofa with a coffee.

I'm childfree by choice but I never felt the societal pressure aspect at all. I have Aspergers though so there's a lot of memos I don't get.

I never really had to agonise much over it, having children felt like a deeply alien thing to me.

I don't think ohamIreally is saying mothers are better people, just that it suits a patriarchal society for women to be pressurized into a caring role.

I don’t understand why anyone ever has children. I can’t think of one part from pregnancy onwards that looks attractive to me. There must be something or people wouldn’t go back for more, but what it is completely eludes me

If you had a baby at 40 you would have a 20 yo at 60. Off to uni or working or travelling.

But that's 20 years out of the op's life, spent doing something she doesn't think she wants to do. Hardworking. Relentless. 24/7 even though they're not always in the house. By all accounts tough enough even if you're sure you want kids. And if she realises she's made a mistake once she's had a baby then it's a bit late to give it back.

Children are bloody hard work and I feel the occasional twinge of envy for my childcare friends, going about serene and untroubled by small-people logistics. Everyone gets pressured and judged - even if you do have kids, there is never a perfect way to bring them up/discipline them/teach them etc. Speaking as a mother, my social place is permanently in the wrong. Fortunately, my parenting has brought me to a point where I no longer care. DFOD gets said mentally, every day. I hope that will happen to you too, as you are clearly making the right choice for your life.

I agonised for years, particularly as I think my husband would have liked to have them. But the implications are far too big to go ahead if you aren’t completely certain, and in the end when it was “now or never”, now was just not an attractive prospect, so never was easy by comparison. I don’t regret that choice at all, in fact it is constantly reinforced because I think a good proportion of my friends who are mothers are actually pretty unhappy. Or possibly more pertinently, I would be in their shoes. I think it’s virtually impossible for a woman in our society to have children without making enormous sacrifices, and ultimately I just wasn’t prepared to throw myself on that pyre.

You can be lonely in old age even if you do have children! They move abroad, or to the other end of the country, or are too busy, or don’t want to do it, can’t do it.

There is a chance that a baby you conceive will be born with difficulties that mean they will never lead an independent life. Could you love someone enough to care for them for the rest of your life? That’s worth thinking about. If a bit depressing.

My sister is similar to you. She sort of assumed the desire would kick in...but it never did.

Meanwhile she met a man she adores, her career is great, they have a lovely life together..,and she slowly came to the conclusion she just didn’t want kids.

Her DH has grown up children from his previous marriage and I think would’ve agreed to a child if my sister really wanted it...but she doesn’t. She has just turned 40 and says she feels relief now as people have stopped asking when it’s going to happen.