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Original poster

To think I need to stop self-doubting my desire to be childfree

146 replies

Candlerow2018 · 13/08/2018 21:45

I spent most of my teens and early twenties assuming that one day I would I would wake up with a deep, sincere desire to start a family. I always envisaged that I would eventually have a small family, perhaps two children at the most, and whilst that biological urge has never arrived I still thought that even if it wasn't an instinctive decision it would at least be a logical one that would be made when we were in a good position to start a family.

I'm now in my thirties, married and financially stable. Even if the biological desire still hasn't arrived my head tells me this would be the perfect time for us to start a family but....I just don't want to. Turns out my husband has arrived at the same conclusion.

Our lives are very comfortable and we have a strong, committed relationship. There is a fantastic chance that a childfree life together could be a wonderful thing, with no new stresses to take their toll on our relationship and finances. Yet I can't seem to give myself permission to not have children. We're socialised from such a young age to believe that having children is the natural culmination of a relationship that despite everything I read about the decreasing social stigma of childfree couples it still seems like such a controversial decision to make.

I enjoyed a wonderful childhood with several siblings of my own and the only aspect of being childfree that occasionally causes me pain is the thought of being lonely in my old age with no one to visit me or fight my corner if I go into a home! I recognise that that's not a good enough reason to have children! I'm also hopeful that by the time I reach old age, being childfree will genuinely be such a real alternative for women that I won't necessarily be in the minority.

For those of you who are childfree, or ever seriously considered making that choice, how did you accept your decision? Did you just drift along waiting for the maternal feelings to flood in, only to wake up one day years later and realise that it never happened? Or did you give yourself permission to accept it earlier in your life and continue to plan your childfree life accordingly?

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 14/08/2018 11:39

You can agonise about your choice to be child free or you can regret having children. all the same really. Life Choices, no right no wrong. Both choices come with a huge price tag. End of. When you are 80 you can decide whether it was the right one

thornyhousewife · 14/08/2018 11:40

It's very normal to not want kids - you are overthinking this.

ladybee28 · 14/08/2018 11:48

Totally understand your experience, OP.

I want to want to have children – there's so much gushery about them I do wonder what I'm missing. But I know what it feels like to want something, and I don't feel that in any way about kids. Added to that the fact that I can't think of a single logical reason why it's a good idea, and that's that for me.

But I do feel the fear of social pressure building up as I get older. My friends are all slipping into Mummy-centric groups and our lives are becoming less and less entwined, because we're focused on such different things and live such different lifestyles. I miss that sense of belonging already, and I know it's likely to get stronger the older I get.

Still not enough reason to risk having kids and regretting it, though.

TheEmmaDilemma · 14/08/2018 11:53

@thornyhousewife it's not that easy sometimes.

Look at shit people get for deciding to be child free.

OP, I was the same as you. Never had a deep desire to have children. Wasn't a focus. I got married, we tried (sort of not desperately though I did have some investigations), it didn't happen. I sort of ended up feeling relieved. I got divorced and now in my early 40's I'm happy that I don't have children nor do I have a desire to have one. If I did I guess I would pumping money into it, changing my life to accomodate it. I don't want to. I like my life.

Surprisingly of 3 sisters, only one has decided to have children. My other sister also has chosen not to. Nothing to do with our very lovely childhood!

Take it, own it. Enjoy the things it gives you and the lack of wrinkles. ;)

SerenDippitty · 14/08/2018 11:57

*'But then I spend the afternoon with them (and I LOVE my nieces) and realise that it's really not fun at all and small doses is more than enough'

I feel the same. I have a gorgeous little nephew but i absolutely would not want to have to deal with him all the time and be permanently responsible for him.*

I have a nephew and yes Me too Lottapianos. And I’m not, or wasn’t originally, childfree by choice, I couldn’t have kids!

OftenHangry · 14/08/2018 12:04

I feel you OP. I am in EXACTLY same boat.
In my early 30s and not feeling it. We are comfortable. I don't want it to change. I don't like kids. Life could be amazing without them.
My husband loves kids. My husband wants kids, though he is backing off now a bit! Hurray.

Everyone kept telling me the need for a child will come. It hasn't and I don't think it ever will. My mum even said that maybe not having a child is not a bad thing and that if we are happy, why not.

Only real worry is my husband. What if he decides he really, really wants one? Well then either I will sacrifice my lady parts or we will have to rethink our marriage. I can only hope he will decide fully on no babies.

It would help if everyone around stopped "popping them out" and showing him the cutest pics. Show him a nappy picor how your living room looks after kid playing unattended for 2 minutes fgs. 😂

TheEmmaDilemma · 14/08/2018 12:10

@Lottapianos Great post.

OftenHangry · 14/08/2018 12:12

Some women are genuinely HORRIFIED when I say I don't want kids. Apparently I will never really understand the " real meaning of the life" . This is so infuriating! Does it mean that women who can't have children will never understand the "real meaning of the life" ?
No it doesn't! People should just back off and mind their own business. It would make life so much easier.

Lottapianos · 14/08/2018 12:31

'Apparently I will never really understand the " real meaning of the life" .'

I never know whether to feel sad or angry when I hear tedious claptrap like this. What on earth are these people going to do when their children grow up and start leading lives of their own? Maybe find another meaning to their life, like childfree people have to, rather than living vicariously through their children

EmpressOfSpartacus · 14/08/2018 12:35

Apparently I will never really understand the " real meaning of the life" .'

Of their life? No. But I wouldn't want to because I think I'd find it unbearable.

I can respect that it makes them happy though, and be pleased for them.

Nobody's asked the question that always comes up on these threads yet....

BobbinThreadbare123 · 14/08/2018 12:38

I have always known that I would not have or want any children. DH is also comfortable with this. XH, well, that was a contributing factor to him getting the boot. I have ASD so I don't know if that makes a difference. I think about all of the faff that comes with offspring and feel glad I don't have any. I can barely manage to care for a houseplant. I am better off than my friends who have children, I have more time for things, I have lovely holidays and I don't have to think twice about going away for work or anything. If you feel complete as you are, don't push yourself to change that.

30hours · 14/08/2018 12:42

It sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself more than anyone else. Think about freezing your eggs because statically; as you age you will regret it.

Verbena87 · 14/08/2018 12:45

I have a baby and I love it, but motherhood is something I’ve had a deep drive for as long as I can remember.

Intellectually I think it’s a selfish choice - there are too many humans on a damaged planet already and there are also too many children in care who would benefit hugely from loving adopted parents. I can’t see how anyone can honestly view having your own babies as an ethical choice. I chose to do it in full knowledge of that because there are situations in which I’m happy to prioritise my own well-being over ‘doing the right thing’, but for me to not acknowledge this is dishonest. So there’s that.

Also, I had a tough labour which has left me with serious birth injuries and ongoing health/sex issues. That’s really shit even though I genuinely feel deeply fulfilled by motherhood and love my baby fiercely. I can’t imagine how I’d cope if I felt as though I’d had a baby because of societal pressure or a feeling that I ‘should’ be doing it.

Lottapianos · 14/08/2018 12:49

Good point Empress. So just what DO you think you're doing on Mumsnet if you're childfree?! Hmm?? How very dare you! Grin

SerenDippitty · 14/08/2018 12:51

It sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself more than anyone else. Think about freezing your eggs because statically; as you age you will regret it.

Could you link to any statistics that prove this statement please?

EmpressOfSpartacus · 14/08/2018 13:03

Lotta GrinGrinGrin And here I was all ready to shout BINGO!

RachelAnneJ · 14/08/2018 13:04

I was the same, always saw my life with a couple of dogs rather than a couple of kids. Even considered being sterilised in my twenties.

However, in my mid/late thirties I (we) decided to have children, much to the shock of my friends and family (&me)!

I do believe I could have had a perfectly fulfilling and exciting life without children and I have friends that do. I would have travelled a lot more and been monetarily richer!

Many years ago a colleague who also hasn't wanted children (who had a baby after an unexpected pregnancy, then went on to have two more) said to me that "children fill a gap in your life that you didn't even know was there". I now totally understand what she meant and feel that it fits how I feel.

As long as you are happy with your choice nothing else matters.

fortunatepiggy1 · 14/08/2018 13:16

I think the key is you have to make the decision and stick to it. I have one dc and I feel the same about another and have dithered for years over whether to have another as I love my dc but it has been very hard work and now it's getting easier I probably am too old. But then I think what if I regret my decision in the future? And then I think what if ( list all manner of horrible outcomes)

I think in another year when I am definitely too old I will stop thinking about it but it's hard to close the door at the moment and is driving me mad

The problem is you won't know whether you have made the right decision .. you will never know unless you can see the future in two alternative paths .. you also have to recognise that you might feel sad about making the decision it even if it's the right decision...that doesn't mean you should change your mind

Have you tried counselling?

People have recommended that to me on other threads and I think it will help me

BonnieF · 14/08/2018 13:24

I never wanted children, at any stage. I have no ‘maternal instinct’ (whatever that may be). DP agrees completely, and our child free by choice life is a happy and full one.

Yes, we do have more disposable income, flexibility and free time than our friends who are parents, but that is NOT why we chose not to have kids. We did so because we didn’t want to be parents.

If you know, deep down, that being a parent isn’t for you, and your partner is on the same page, be true to yourself.

You will not regret it.

VladmirsPoutine · 14/08/2018 13:27

To be honest; I'd encourage every woman to actively engage in this sort of thought process about whether or not they want to have children. It's a choice that quite literally changes your life irreversibly.

I once wrote a pros and cons list. I had to continue to page 3/4 to make space for the cons whilst pros was still languishing at 1) 'A little Vlad would probably be very cute' - the logic behind this was that I'm mixed race and my then partner was white so I really wanted to see what our offspring would look like Hmm - totally batshit reasoning!

EmpressOfSpartacus · 14/08/2018 13:28

It sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself more than anyone else. Think about freezing your eggs because statically; as you age you will regret it.

Could you link to any statistics that prove this statement please?

Yes, I'd be interested too. 44 & haven't regretted it yet.

Having seen so many threads about the last-minute urges, biological clock, etc, I tried to regret it the other day, just to see if I could. I was sitting on a bus saying to myself "If you don't do something soon you'll never be able to have a baby." But all I could feel was relief & thankfulness.

FinallyHere · 14/08/2018 13:41

I never felt the urge to procreate, always felt much too young to have my own children well, until I knew I was too old to do so. I'm all good with that, there are plenty of children in the world.

stevie69 · 14/08/2018 14:06

It's pretty stupid to not reproduce purely because they start off as children

Is it? The 'child' phase tends to coincide with some great years in the parents' lives. Surely you should only have a child if you're 100% committed to the idea? It's a bad idea to have children knowing that you're going to find it a bit shit for a few years, but that it'll be great when they're grown up; they could well have moved half way across the world by then Shock

I honestly think that your heart and soul needs to be in it.

EmpressOfSpartacus · 14/08/2018 14:25

It's pretty stupid to not reproduce purely because they start off as children

Somebody on a similar thread said that if you weren't sure, have one kid because it would make minimal difference to your life.

I thought that was pretty stupid too.

LayOfTheLand · 14/08/2018 14:39

Reading with interest. I was diagnosed with something as a child, knowing that it would be very difficult to have children, and perhaps as a result, I have never developed a desire to have children (or alternatively, I perhaps developed a belief that I didn't have a desire to have children as a self-defence mechanism, I'm not sure).

Friends are now having children, and I look around, and I'm also happy to wave goodbye at the end of an afternoon, especially with small children/toddlers.