To think I need to stop self-doubting my desire to be childfree

[Candlerow2018]

I spent most of my teens and early twenties assuming that one day I would I would wake up with a deep, sincere desire to start a family. I always envisaged that I would eventually have a small family, perhaps two children at the most, and whilst that biological urge has never arrived I still thought that even if it wasn't an instinctive decision it would at least be a logical one that would be made when we were in a good position to start a family.

I'm now in my thirties, married and financially stable. Even if the biological desire still hasn't arrived my head tells me this would be the perfect time for us to start a family but....I just don't want to. Turns out my husband has arrived at the same conclusion.

Our lives are very comfortable and we have a strong, committed relationship. There is a fantastic chance that a childfree life together could be a wonderful thing, with no new stresses to take their toll on our relationship and finances. Yet I can't seem to give myself permission to not have children. We're socialised from such a young age to believe that having children is the natural culmination of a relationship that despite everything I read about the decreasing social stigma of childfree couples it still seems like such a controversial decision to make.

I enjoyed a wonderful childhood with several siblings of my own and the only aspect of being childfree that occasionally causes me pain is the thought of being lonely in my old age with no one to visit me or fight my corner if I go into a home! I recognise that that's not a good enough reason to have children! I'm also hopeful that by the time I reach old age, being childfree will genuinely be such a real alternative for women that I won't necessarily be in the minority.

For those of you who are childfree, or ever seriously considered making that choice, how did you accept your decision? Did you just drift along waiting for the maternal feelings to flood in, only to wake up one day years later and realise that it never happened? Or did you give yourself permission to accept it earlier in your life and continue to plan your childfree life accordingly?

I had a child because I couldn't not do so - it was an urge so strong I hurt several people to do it. If you don't have that urge, why would you do it? It is probable that if you did end up with a child, you would make a perfectly good fist of being a parent - after all, few of us had the choice in the past. But you do and that is profoundly OK.

I think if people ask you when you're going to have kids, or even try to talk you into it, it's worth asking them why they're saying that.

Why do they think that because they enjoy parenting, you should too? Why do they think you might change your mind? Why does it matter to them that you don't want kids?

I'm the same OP, thought that at some point I'd feel broody or make a logical decision but I'm currently having nearly daily mood swings between "Ah fuck it we should just go for it as we'd love being parents when it came down to it" and "Oh shit I can't imagine anything worse than pregnancy, child birth and giving up all the freedom we have now plus potentially my own health" Every time I'm in the former mood another thread comes up on here about birth injuries which I can't seem to not read out of some sort of morbid fascination and I swing back to the latter mood.

I completely understand how you feel, am also mid 30s and childfree, except I am single at the moment.
I work with children, I love children, people tell me I would be a brilliant mother. But I just don’t feel compelled to actually be one at all. I do question myself iver this all the time, but like you, my biggest motivation is a fear of being alone in old age, which is a rubbish reason.

Essentially I think my thinking is:

• The world is overpopulated, more people are not needed.
• I’m pessimistic about the way the world is headed. General feeling of ‘count me out’ No desire to launch a child of mine into the future I imagine.

My main reason (and I know this sounds very eye-roll-worthy) is that I just want to make the best contribution to the world that I can. Obviously there are many ways to do this, including parenthood. But in my case, I just think I can make more of a contribution through giving 100% to my work (which I enjoy, and which as I say, helps children). And while I know you can work AND be a mum, at the moment I would rather spend that extra time writing a novel, or doing research, or fundraising for a cause I am passionate about. And then there’s travel, having a nice home and generally being spontaneous and making the most of my life and enjoying it.

I look at my friends who have children and I see tiredness, worry and stress. Lots of sacrifice. Yes I also see joy and great love and contentment. But I am fortunate in having a loving / joyful life already! Nothing is missing? And if I feel differently in the future, I can always foster or adopt.

The difference is that males can still procreate when they are older eg Mick Jagger. Secondly, you have a choice, that is yours to make ( not your family, friends, society) Whatever you choose, be happy with your choice

@bringbackfonzi yes that's exactly what I'm saying.

OP, you and I don't sound that different. DH and I chose to have our child because it's exactly what we wanted for our life together, and it sounds like you feel the same way about your choice for your own future. Every day is a joy to me because I have what I truly wanted; it can be that way for you, too, as it's nothing to do with having kids. The deep sense of satisfaction lies in the knowledge that you've made the right choice for you and yours - not in having tiny humans that magically fill a void for you.

For the majority of my twenties I felt that kids where an inevitability. That I would end having kids because it’s what you do even though I’ve always said that I don’t really like the idea of parenting ( even when I was a kid) and it wasn’t until I met my current partner that I felt brave enough to state that I don’t want to be a parent.

Plus as someone who works with elderly the number of them who see their kids/ grandkids once a year if that is obscene. There’s also a lot of my patients who provide childcare they really aren’t fit to provide because they say they’d never see their families otherwise.

Why would you worry about this? You're very fortunate that your husband feels the same way. If he didn't, then you'd have a problem. Even when wanted, a child is an enormous responsibility, a lifelong commitment and a great deal of work. A child is a source of infinite joy, too but probably not for you. If you want to keep your options open, you might consider harvesting and freezing your eggs.

Ive never agonised over it or expected/hoped the desire might kick in. As someone said earlier having kids feels like an incredibly alien concept and I’ve never seriously considered it even for a second. But I’m also the type that’s never cared about conforming or societal expectations or tradition. I’ve known ever since I was a kid that children were not in my future and it would feel unnatural to try and force myself down any other path

I never wanted children of my own. I don't feel maternal and I know I would be an awful mother as I panic if the world is not perfect for my nieces and nephews.
I also teach primary so get my fill of being around children then come home to a child free home!

I never wanted children and have always been perfectly happy with that choice.

There has also never been any doubt. Fortunately I am now at that age where people stop saying 'I will change my mind'

I know any child would have been deverstating for me and yes I honestly know I have a much happier life being childfree.

OP, there's an excellent Google online community called Gateway Women. It's for women who don't have children, for whatever reason, and many women on there are struggling with ambivalence about the whole issue

I’m now closer to 50 than 40 and never wanted children. Never had a maternal urge. Could never see me having children.

Fortunately I fell in love with a divorced man who already has children of his own so I never had any pressure from him.

I still get asked by friends/ colleges ‘do you think you’ll have children’? Which I find intrusive and a bit rude. I don’t ask them personal questions about their life. It’s the ‘norm’ of society and i don’t fit into that.

I have a wounderful life. I look about 10 years younger than I am (sleep deprivation ages you). I have a great job. Have travelled the world. Have 4 fab holidays a year and a great social life. Some might view this as selfish but it suits me.

I have also decided to be childfree.

The only times I have a wobble is when my sister whatsapps me photos of her and my nieces and I think "oh that looks nice".

But then I spend the afternoon with them (and I LOVE my nieces) and realise that it's really not fun at all and small doses is more than enough.

I felt the same as you OP, but the only difference was I didn't meet my husband until I was 35.

I didn't feel any differently to start with but then all of a sudden I did get the urge, and it is now sadly too late (we don't want to have any tests done - but there is clearly an issue with one or both of us. It is probably just age as we are 40 and 45).

So I'm trying to get back to feeling how I used to - I keep getting a slight panicky feeling about it all. It's horrible - rationally I know we are and were happy as we are, but in the middle of the night this pang of panic about being childless hits. DH is slightly older than me and my biggest worry is that he goes before me and I am left all alone. It's a horrible thought - but not one that having a baby would have helped with anyway in practical terms.

I'm having to avoid everyone I know who has kids and the pregnant ones as I am turning into a wreck about it all.

I know several very happy older than us childless couples so I am clinging on to that!

'But then I spend the afternoon with them (and I LOVE my nieces) and realise that it's really not fun at all and small doses is more than enough'

I feel the same. I have a gorgeous little nephew but i absolutely would not want to have to deal with him all the time and be permanently responsible for him.

'Some might view this as selfish but it suits me.'

Well some people think that women's lives should be all about martyrdom. More fool them. Your life does indeed sound wonderful I think that's a really precious thing, to be living a life that you enjoy and that feels right for you

My view was/is that unless you have a deep desire to have children don't do it. It's hard for those that actively want children I can't imagine anything worse than an ambivalent woman doing it and hoping it works out okay. Each to their own and all that but I will never not be fascinated by women/couples that spend thousands and thousands on IVF.

I’ve never wanted children and thankfully I’m now nearing the age when it’s unlikely to ever happen. Having children would have been a nightmare for me, I think - the baby stage is boring, they get more interesting as they get older but I still prefer small doses only. 24/7 responsibility for 18 years - no thanks. I think raising the next generation is best done by those who have a deep desire to do it.

I'm not child free, in fact I was not able to have bio children and wanted them so much that we adopted.
However I get that parenthood is not for everyone.
I'm going to get all Oprah here and say that you need to make your decision and own it. Stop dithering and make a choice and get on with your life.
It sounds like you don't really want children. That's fine but you need to totally make that choice and move on. Get closure.
Good luck

From a young age I never wanted children. My husband married me in the basis that I didn't want children, and maternal instinct didn't kick in. But actually he wanted children, and my desire to make him happy was greater than my desire to remain child free, so we agreed to have a child. Most people would say that was a stupid decision for both of us, and in many ways it was, but I'm so glad we took that risk.

As it is, I love being a mother, and it's transformed my life. My child isn't hard work, and through teamwork and partnership we still have our lie ins, our time to relax. Our relationship hasn't suffered. It's been so brilliant we are planning number 2 (and maybe 3...)

I'm not saying you should have children, but whichever way you go you may find happiness. My life isn't what I thought it would be, but I love it.

I have 3 smallish children and they were wanted but I do feel that a large part of my wanting them was down to expectations. Expectations from parents, society, friends etc.

I do feel envious of childfree friends who have fab holidays (of course if you are wealthy you can have both, but we are not!). My career never really took off and I find dealing with them all quite stressful.

There are lovely moments of course. I love them, I think I am generally an ok mum but still, grass is always greener!

DB and wife have announced they are not having children. Some days I think they have made the right decision

I always thought I would have children. When DH and I decided to get married we talked and talked about whether to have children or not.

We chose in the end not to have any. Quite a few reasons - at the time I earned a lot more than DH. I would not have wanted to go back to work after having a baby and we would not have been able to manage on DH's wage. We both felt the world was overpopulated and we should not be adding to that. We also felt that on the whole the world is not that nice a place and is likely to only get worse and we did not want to bring children into that.

We did think about adopting but couldn't face all the intrusive interviews etc.

We both really like children (I love babies) and always got involved in our nieces and nephews' lives, having them for weekends, even taking them away on holiday with us. It was great but we were both happy to give them back to their parents.

We are in our 60's now and don't regret our decision at all. We quite often say to each other "thank goodness we didn't have children".

I will be totally honest and admit I sometimes worry that if DH dies before me I could end up lonely and maybe in a home. I am a real worrier though so probably even if we had children I would worry.

You can't have children just so you don't end up lonely. Apparently studies have been done that often it's the elderly that have children that end up lonelier than those without. Also your children could fall out with you, emigrate, die before you etc.

I have lots of friends with children but also lots without. Quite a few of the ones with children have said they love their children but if they could go back in time they would choose not to have any. Not one of my childfree friends has said they regret their decision

I'm 35 and never really wanted children. I don't have siblings or cousins either and at one point in my late 20s/early 30s did go through a period of worrying about a lonely future as you did, OP.

I don't worry about it so much anymore as I now feel more fulfilled in other ways and immensely enjoy the freedom of not having children. And I've seen enough families where relationships are far from the ideal image anyway - even if I had children, there is no guarantee they would live in the same country/want to be around for me when I'm 65 or 85!

I'm perhaps fortunate that there isn't much (if any) family pressure on me to have children, and I have a lot of friends who are childfree (by choice) as well. I think at some point everyone stopped expecting me to have children - I'm very good with animals but not a bit maternal other than that. I don't have a partner either...

Me and DP don't want kids. I also don't want to get married or drive a car, apparently all things that society finds it strange if you don't do. I don't really talk about the kids thing because all I get is the old 'you'll change your mind' spiel. It seems unlikely that I'll suddenly change my mind now after being so sure for so long. I have a lot of valid reasons for not wanting kids but I don't really think they're anyone else's business. It's funny how no-one is ever asked to justify their decision TO have children.