To think I need to stop self-doubting my desire to be childfree

[Candlerow2018]

I spent most of my teens and early twenties assuming that one day I would I would wake up with a deep, sincere desire to start a family. I always envisaged that I would eventually have a small family, perhaps two children at the most, and whilst that biological urge has never arrived I still thought that even if it wasn't an instinctive decision it would at least be a logical one that would be made when we were in a good position to start a family.

I'm now in my thirties, married and financially stable. Even if the biological desire still hasn't arrived my head tells me this would be the perfect time for us to start a family but....I just don't want to. Turns out my husband has arrived at the same conclusion.

Our lives are very comfortable and we have a strong, committed relationship. There is a fantastic chance that a childfree life together could be a wonderful thing, with no new stresses to take their toll on our relationship and finances. Yet I can't seem to give myself permission to not have children. We're socialised from such a young age to believe that having children is the natural culmination of a relationship that despite everything I read about the decreasing social stigma of childfree couples it still seems like such a controversial decision to make.

I enjoyed a wonderful childhood with several siblings of my own and the only aspect of being childfree that occasionally causes me pain is the thought of being lonely in my old age with no one to visit me or fight my corner if I go into a home! I recognise that that's not a good enough reason to have children! I'm also hopeful that by the time I reach old age, being childfree will genuinely be such a real alternative for women that I won't necessarily be in the minority.

For those of you who are childfree, or ever seriously considered making that choice, how did you accept your decision? Did you just drift along waiting for the maternal feelings to flood in, only to wake up one day years later and realise that it never happened? Or did you give yourself permission to accept it earlier in your life and continue to plan your childfree life accordingly?

This is a really interesting thread. Personally I was never particularly maternal - I feel the decision to have children was one that I made with my head rather than my heart. It is however the most amazing thing I have ever done, I genuinely didn’t know it was possible to love anyone so much and so unconditionally.

Having said, I know very well I could/would of had a wonderful fulfilling life without children. It would have been different but not better/worse. Plus having children is incredibly stressful and worrying. My eldest DC has been through cancer twice and it has been the most terrifying painful time of my life.

TakeMeToKernow I don't know if this will make you feel better, but I said a similar thing to my partner of 7 years. If he suddenly decides he wants a child, it won't be with me. I said it in that way to ensure he understands that I will not be changing my mind.

I have a smug childless friend who was forever putting me down because i had children - going on about all her lie ins etc that i couldn't have. Fast forward a very few years (because its the blink of an eye) and i have two almost adults and can do everything she does with the added bonus of bringing two fantastic humans into the world who are my best friends and I have been able to experience being a parent with lovely memories of bringing them up and all the nice times we have had. She is just in exactly the same place now as she was then. Its her i feel sorry for now even though she seemed to pity me at the time.

Thing is, not all children turn out to be healthy, NT, happy, well adjusted, fun friends.

You reeeeeeeaaaaalllllyyyy can't count on having 'future friends'

Yeah relying on your kids to be 'future friends' or carers is very selfish and kind of sad. Surely the goal is to raise independent adults that you still get on with?

*Thing is, not all children turn out to be healthy, NT, happy, well adjusted, fun friends.

You reeeeeeeaaaaalllllyyyy can't count on having 'future friends'*

That’s the point isn’t it. 20 odd years of commitment, responsibility, drudgery expense and worry which may or may not turn out to be worth it in the end.

Oh how I hear you! I have often envied people who just always knew that children were not for them , without any of the angst.

This. A lot.

I do envy people who have an uncomplicated longing for children. I've never had the desire but everyone around me is starting to have them and I feel like a bit of an outsider for not being interested in kids. DP is much older than me and childless so he doesn't get interrogated.

I do however have an overwhelming desire to own a dog. It's almost like my maternal feelings all got lost and fixated on dogs not children!!

Sorry for resurrecting an old thread, but @Candlerow2018 - you've described exactly how I feel. Two years on, have you made any decisions?

Hi Sa218

I can't believe it has been two years since I posted! To answer your question, two years on we are still childfree by choice and if anything I feel much more certain of my feelings and have made peace with my decision. I also find I am less inclined to apologise for how I feel to those who have children. In the past I would avoid vocalising my thoughts for fear of either a) being seen to be judging others' decisions to have children or b) going "on the record" and saying something that may be used against me by friends/family/DH in future if I were to change my mind.

These days I make no apologies for not wanting children and I try to stop myself from saying things like "I think it's a wonderful thing for other people to choose, just not me" because at the end of the day let's be honest - if I thought it was that wonderful I would be doing it myself! I also try not to resist the pressure to go OTT about how much I "love children but just can't picture having my own", for the same reason as above. I DO love my nieces and nephews because they're my family and I feel very strongly about my family, not because I adore children. I really enjoy seeing them and will always say yes to babysitting, but it's not something I have any urge to actively seek out.

Every day that goes by I think is less likely that I will change my mind, but if that day does come I will deal with it as and when it happens. I think that by the time we (presuming you are roughly my age) are old, society will be heavily weighted to care for an ageing population, many of whom will be childless. I already accept I will need to work much longer and pay more taxes to support myself in old age and there will be challenges to deal with surrounding care and loneliness, but all I can do right now is to hope I stay healthy and independent for as long as possible. I am very content with my happy marriage and my beloved dogs and feel a sense of freedom when I think of the next few decades of my life. I think it is sensible to make plans for how you want your old age to look and to be realistic about some of the difficulties you may be more likely to encounter in old age without the support of children or possibly even a partner, should they die before you or divorce.

Please don't ever censor yourself when it comes to your feelings regarding children or be afraid to set out your stance for fear of it coming back to bite you. Only you know how you feel and having seen a couple of my friends start families within the past year not because they have deeply innate urge to do so but simply because objectively now is the "right" time, I can honestly say they have struggled to come to terms with the decision they made much more than I have with mine. The world is a very complicated place and there is some peace of mind that comes with knowing I will not spend years worrying about the sort of world my own children would grow up in and what their future will look like.

How does your partner feel about it all?

Having kids was never in my life plan but I assumed that the maternal feelings would kick in at some point and I would feel differently. They never did and I don't regret remaining child-free. Times have changed and there is no longer the expectation to have a family. I'm in my early 50s and a lot of my friends the same age don't have kids and are really not bothered that they haven't.

I'm married, 38 and child-free, however it didn't go smoothly.

When I was 33, I had no desire to have a child, but stupidly assumed that I was like others and when I got pregnant, I'd magically 'want' a child and feel maternal - After all, that's what you do, right? Find a partner... settle down... have children? .... Instead, we had sex once, I got pregnant, my mood plummeted, I became suicidal and I terminated at 12 weeks.

I genuinely thought I'd change how I felt - I certainly don't hate children, I'm more ambivalent and therefore thought I'd 'come to terms' with having a child and then enjoy it, but I couldn't even get through pregnancy so still find it odd when women say they didn't feel maternal but got pregnant, had a child and are really happy with their life - I'm not saying it can't happen as I'm sure it can... I just can't imagine that being me.

I'm never trying again - My hormones are too ridiculous and out of kilter on a day to day front (PMDD) and even very high Anti Depressants don't seem to stop the suicidal feelings completely so the whole thing is just horrific to me. If I could be put in a coma for 8 months and have a C-section and be woken up to having someone give me my baby? I'd certainly contemplate it, but even then, I just don't have any yearning for one - absolutely no biological clock at all.

So - We'll remain as we are.

I got married at 34, almost 35. I had never had a 'desire' for children but sort of assumed one day I'd have them... [In fact, I prefer animals to people!!!]
My DH had been married before with 2 children, so we knew he was OK in that department.
After a year of marriage, we decided to stop birth control and just see what happened. I got pregnant and had our DS - now aged 28!!!
If I hadn't have got pregnant, I don't think we would have considered IVF or anything else. We were prepared to just let nature decide for us.

I understand where you are coming from OP.

Hi @Candlerow2018 thanks so much for coming back to post! You sound so much like me.

Unfortunately my husband has recently decided he is leaning more towards kids, despite not being interested before now. So it's all coming to a bit of a head. We're mid-thirties, so not really at an age where we have lots of time to play with (not that I think time will change things for me).

It's so good that your husband feels the same as you. Must make it a lot easier!

I knew by the time i was 16 i didnt want kids.
Watched my mother have 7 of us, saw what's involved in bringing up kids and decided 'errr..no thanks'.
whenever someone asks if i want children my first thought - and response nowadays - is "what for?"
Fancied foster caring for ages too but not interested in that anymore either.

My patience is very limited around children so i enjoy being able to enjoy their company when i feel like it and then handing them back to the parents

I am slightly different in that I wasn't sure I wanted them but my husband at the time did. We tried for a long time. I tried with my new husband years later but I don't ovulate even with clomid and when we discussed IVF we both realised we quite liked our lives.

We love being able to do what we want when we want. Planning a lot of travel if I get this new job i have applied for. Getting up late, just watching films. I see how much my friends with children struggled during lockdown where for us we did have financial issues, but were otherwise fine. I also like quiet, time alone and a very tidy house, it seems a lot more difficult to have these with kids.

Having kids is no guarantee of not being lonely in old age. When I used to visit my grandmother there were plenty of people with children who never visit. Many of my friends live a long way from their parents now and maybe visit a few times a year, so that doesn't help. I volunteer for an elderly befriending service and many of the people I talk to have children, they are just too busy or don't bother to contact them much.

I think the thing for me is that I wasn't sure enough to risk it. I know first hand the damage that indifferent parents can cause. The only guilt is that my brother hasn't had any either and MIL had three children but only one chose to have a grandchild and they live abroad, so she doesn't see them much. But i can't have my children for other people.

I never wanted children. I knew from an early age. I was never interested in children or new babies and couldn't think of anything worse than having kids.
However, I got pregnant following a brief fling and decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. Nobody believed me at first when I told them I was pregnant as they all knew it was something I didn't want.
My twins are nearly 6 now and although I'm sure i could have lived a happy life without being a mother, I'm thankful every day that I am. I can't believe that I might have missed out on this. A lot of things that used to make me happy and I was reluctant to give up don't mean that much to me anymore and I've been surprised that I don't miss them. I was always someone that loved doing things on the spur of the moment and lived quite recklessly and freely so I really didn't feel parenting was right for me.
I guess what I'm saying is that you don't need to have kids to have a happy and fulfilling life and that's your choice to make and it doesn't need justifying. But I will say that your mindset changes when you have kids and all the things you think you will miss, you don't. Other things become important to you and you still love life, it just has a different meaning.

I'm really confused as to why you are on here if you're not a mum?? Isn't it called mums net? Genuine question

@alphabetsoup1980

I'm really confused as to why you are on here if you're not a mum?? Isn't it called mums net? Genuine question

Someone has already asked that upthread. Do keep up dear.

I have longed so badly for a family of my own. And yet I knew, deep down, that the reality of parenthood would have driven me crazy.

This is exactly how I feel. I feel the urge to have children, would like a 'family' (I didn't have a particularly strong family unit growing up and I would love the chance to do that right). But I also know that 90% of parenthood is incompatible with who I am and what I know I can/can't handle, and I am slowly getting my head round the mismatch between the two.

I don’t understand people who want every woman to make the same choice as them, really on paper it makes more sense to not have children than to have them ifyswim. I have 3 and wouldn’t change it for the world but I can still totally understand that lack of desire.

Do keep up dear 🤮🤮🤮 arse

I’m 38 and been married nearly 10 years. I always thought I’d have kids one day but each year there is always just something we want to do more, plus we are comfortable financially just the two of us. With kids we’d be skint and not able to do lots of the things we love. Coupled with the fact neither of us having the burning biological urge we’ve decided to stay child free. That said I love my friends kids and being able to have the cuddles then hand them back!