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Original poster

To think I need to stop self-doubting my desire to be childfree

146 replies

Candlerow2018 · 13/08/2018 21:45

I spent most of my teens and early twenties assuming that one day I would I would wake up with a deep, sincere desire to start a family. I always envisaged that I would eventually have a small family, perhaps two children at the most, and whilst that biological urge has never arrived I still thought that even if it wasn't an instinctive decision it would at least be a logical one that would be made when we were in a good position to start a family.

I'm now in my thirties, married and financially stable. Even if the biological desire still hasn't arrived my head tells me this would be the perfect time for us to start a family but....I just don't want to. Turns out my husband has arrived at the same conclusion.

Our lives are very comfortable and we have a strong, committed relationship. There is a fantastic chance that a childfree life together could be a wonderful thing, with no new stresses to take their toll on our relationship and finances. Yet I can't seem to give myself permission to not have children. We're socialised from such a young age to believe that having children is the natural culmination of a relationship that despite everything I read about the decreasing social stigma of childfree couples it still seems like such a controversial decision to make.

I enjoyed a wonderful childhood with several siblings of my own and the only aspect of being childfree that occasionally causes me pain is the thought of being lonely in my old age with no one to visit me or fight my corner if I go into a home! I recognise that that's not a good enough reason to have children! I'm also hopeful that by the time I reach old age, being childfree will genuinely be such a real alternative for women that I won't necessarily be in the minority.

For those of you who are childfree, or ever seriously considered making that choice, how did you accept your decision? Did you just drift along waiting for the maternal feelings to flood in, only to wake up one day years later and realise that it never happened? Or did you give yourself permission to accept it earlier in your life and continue to plan your childfree life accordingly?

OP posts:
user838383 · 14/08/2018 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 14/08/2018 19:15

No idea why you feel sorry for your friend Boopsy unless she is beating her chest and crying with regret about not having kids? just because you like having young adults around you does not mean your friend does.

Ghanagirl · 14/08/2018 19:16

OP
It’s definitely fine not to want children but I honestly don’t understand why people post on a site which is for parents that they either don’t want children or prefer dogs etc...
Not being mean but what’s your motivation?

EmpressOfSpartacus · 14/08/2018 19:23

It’s definitely fine not to want children but I honestly don’t understand why people post on a site which is for parents that they either don’t want children or prefer dogs etc...
Not being mean but what’s your motivation?

BINGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BiteyShark · 14/08/2018 19:27

Ghanagirl have you actually looked around the site? Have you seen that the majority of conversations are nothing to do with children and babies? Looks at aibu or chat? Then look at the list of topics and those that are in most active. Also I don't have to be a parent to join the site. That's the beauty of the internet Grin

Then realise that but I honestly don’t understand why people post on a site which is for parents is possibly a very blinkered narrowed view of the world site

BiteyShark · 14/08/2018 19:28

EmpressOfSpartacus you put it better than I did Grin

EmpressOfSpartacus · 14/08/2018 19:30

EmpressOfSpartacus you put it better than I did Grin

See my post at 12.35, Bitey, I knew someone would say it!

kaldefotter · 14/08/2018 19:32

I always thought I’d have children ‘in a decade’. At sixteen, that was fine, but by my late twenties I realised I just didn’t want to, ever. Back then I worried that I was stealing my husband’s chance to have children, but he didn’t want to have any either. I was happy with our choice, and we enjoy our life.

In my mid-late thirties, I did occasionally have doubts, wondering if I was making a mistake, but at no point did I ever feel maternal. I think it’s probably too late now, which has actually made it easier, and I have no regrets.

Lottapianos · 14/08/2018 20:18

You got there in the end Empress Wink there's always one.....

SophSoph92 · 14/08/2018 20:32

I think that rather than society being in a place where people are asked why they DON'T want children/ are made to question themselves, they in fact should be asking why they DO want children. Having a child is the biggest life upheaval in the world and I personally believe that if everyone asked themselves that, there would be a lot more people not having children; simply because they wouldn't feel as though they need to take the 'next life step' as is dictated to us by social norms. I have a child, but my god my life has been turned upside down (in the best way) and I see now why people can be conflicted about whether they want their own.
Just do you! Give yourself permission to live life exactly as you want to and try to ignore all those external little niggles :)

Pinklady11 · 14/08/2018 20:40

I feel exactly the same OP

My reasoning is if I don’t have children and regret it I’ll ruin my life.

If I do have children and regret it I’ll ruin their lives too.

By that logic the selfless thing to do is not have children. Can’t exactly take them back if you change your mind...

user838383 · 14/08/2018 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needyourlovingtouch · 14/08/2018 21:03

@museumum was about to type the same thing. Having one child is perfect for us yet I still can't let go that I should have another. I've kept all the baby stuff. I need to just mourn. Not because I'm sad about not having another but mourning the opportunity if that makes sense. I worry about suddenly wanting one once the opportunity (fertile window) has gone.

JustHereForThePooStories · 14/08/2018 21:25

It’s definitely fine not to want children but I honestly don’t understand why people post on a site which is for parents that they either don’t want children or prefer dogs etc...
Not being mean but what’s your motivation?

My motivation is to tell you to fuuuuuuck off.

Companion42 · 14/08/2018 21:41

I'm in my early thirties and have known since about 14 that I didn't want kids. I occasionally get a twinge when I see friends and relatives having babies but I think that's more of a feeling like I'm missing out rather than actually wanting a child, if you see what I mean?

BuntyII · 14/08/2018 22:06

'I apparently am not normal, not a real woman and will never know real love because I chose not to have children.'

What tosh. You'll never know the love a parent has for their child, which is a very powerful love. But that doesn't mean you don't know real love. We all have so many different kinds of love and many if not most of us won't experience all of them - the love for a sibling, the love for a parent - well not everyone has those people in their lives. Some people never know romantic love.

Costacoffeeplease · 14/08/2018 22:13

It’s definitely fine not to want children but I honestly don’t understand why people post on a site which is for parents that they either don’t want children or prefer dogs etc...
Not being mean but what’s your motivation

And there it is, the sheer lack of imagination is astounding

ODFOD

Costacoffeeplease · 14/08/2018 22:26

No one should feel sorry for anyone who is doing what they want and has what they want. It’s the epitome of patronising

Goostacean · 14/08/2018 22:58

Have read the thread with interest because I was adamant I didn’t want biological children (felt a passion for adopting though), then met DH, considered starting a family and then got obsessed with the idea- and here I am with 6mo DS. (Am 27, btw.)

I know it’s not what you asked OP, but I just wanted to say that I don’t (yet) feel as PP do regarding “giving up 20+ years to worry” etc. I love my baby fiercely- but I still care a lot about my career and my friends, plus we’ve just emigrated for a year to Latin America so I’m busy meeting people/learning Spanish/travelling. He comes along for the ride in whatever I’m doing, and that’s that. Yes, I’ve lost some freedom- but I lost it when I got an arthritic knee, and when I moved somewhere I don’t speak the language. And parenthood is easier than the bad knee.

I also wouldn’t want to sacrifice decades on the altar of child rearing- but so far I’m still me. I don’t lose sleep over DS, or my choices.

I hope you make a decision, own it as others have said, and find peace :)

Kate223344 · 15/08/2018 00:14

I agree that there can be lot of social pressure from friends, family, strangers and/or the media to have children (and, for that matter, to have a second child as a sibling for your first). All you can really do is read threads like this and speak to people in RL where possible and come to your own conclusion - then try your very hardest to ignore the noise about how other people think you should live your life.

mydogisthebest · 15/08/2018 10:56

Oh I know the comments about not being normal, a real woman etc are utter bollocks though I can't pretend that some comments hurt at the time.

I don't know why some people feel it is ok to be so rude to a woman just because they choose not to have children, especially when they don't even know a lot of the time whether it was actually a choice.

All the nasty comments I have received have been from people I don't even know that well - work colleagues mainly but even a female GP told me years ago when I asked about being sterilised that I would change my mind as all women want children!

I am in my 60's now and honestly would have hoped that views on women (and men) choosing to be childfree would have changed. It seems not though. My niece is 29 and doesn't want children. She has had some nasty comments and lots of people telling her she will change her mind. She is also getting a lot of grief from her MIL which I think is very wrong

TakeMeToKernow · 15/08/2018 11:11

Ive known for a long time I don’t want my own, but I suspect that in the right combination of circumstances I could be persuaded into it, because I sometimes feel so guilty not having children. My parents will never enjoy small grandchildren :( my ExH wanted children, and I think he would have worn me down if we hadn’t separated.

Now I’m in a weeeeeird situation.

My DP and I both do not want DCs. I’ve felt for a while that my long term DP (has 3DCs from previous relationship) isn’t really committed to “us”. I have this nagging feeling of being temporary. No particular problems (and we mutually don’t want marriage) just a saddening feeling. And then this weekend:

(Said so casually I almost didn’t hear it)

“It happens to loads of women in their thirties. They just wake up one day and have this overwhelming need to have children. And if that happens, we’ll just have to go our separate ways, no hard feelings.”

Shock

That’s it. I’ve been picking up on his preparedness to just leave me at the drop of a hat if my biological alarm goes off.

I spent the rest of the weekend trying to process how I feel about that and am now desperately trying to find some deep enough sand to accommodate my head.

Goostacean · 15/08/2018 11:15

Oh wow, @TakemetoKernow that sounds like quite a shock! Our spidey-senses tingle for a reason. Regardless of the decision to have children, everyone deserves a fully committed partner ☹️

CalonGlas · 15/08/2018 11:28

If you do decide not to have children, OP, you have to commit to a lifetime project of travelling the entire world on extended holidays, because that tends to be the MN view of what child-free people do to fill the echoing caverns of free time.

MrsExpo · 15/08/2018 11:42

I'm another one who never wanted children and have never had them. OP I felt the same as you, and found it wasn't me who needed to give myself permission, but the rest of the world!! My mother, MiL, DB, work colleagues and sundry others all expected that I'd get pregnant at some point after marrying DH1 (now married to DH2) and seemed to think it was Ok to "mention" it from time to time. But I never wanted to do it and neither did DH1, so we seemed totally happy with that decision as we went through life.

He went on to father a child with the OW but wasn't too pleased about it and never had another. I have been married to DH2 for 16 years now and i'm in my mid 60's. Being childless has never been an issue for me, I don't regret it for one second, I didn't need anyone's permission to chose my own path in life and have had a good life.

Please do as you think is best for you and your life and your relationship. Kids are not the be all and end all and you do not need "permission" from yourself or anyone else to chose your own path in life.

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