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Original poster

To think I need to stop self-doubting my desire to be childfree

146 replies

Candlerow2018 · 13/08/2018 21:45

I spent most of my teens and early twenties assuming that one day I would I would wake up with a deep, sincere desire to start a family. I always envisaged that I would eventually have a small family, perhaps two children at the most, and whilst that biological urge has never arrived I still thought that even if it wasn't an instinctive decision it would at least be a logical one that would be made when we were in a good position to start a family.

I'm now in my thirties, married and financially stable. Even if the biological desire still hasn't arrived my head tells me this would be the perfect time for us to start a family but....I just don't want to. Turns out my husband has arrived at the same conclusion.

Our lives are very comfortable and we have a strong, committed relationship. There is a fantastic chance that a childfree life together could be a wonderful thing, with no new stresses to take their toll on our relationship and finances. Yet I can't seem to give myself permission to not have children. We're socialised from such a young age to believe that having children is the natural culmination of a relationship that despite everything I read about the decreasing social stigma of childfree couples it still seems like such a controversial decision to make.

I enjoyed a wonderful childhood with several siblings of my own and the only aspect of being childfree that occasionally causes me pain is the thought of being lonely in my old age with no one to visit me or fight my corner if I go into a home! I recognise that that's not a good enough reason to have children! I'm also hopeful that by the time I reach old age, being childfree will genuinely be such a real alternative for women that I won't necessarily be in the minority.

For those of you who are childfree, or ever seriously considered making that choice, how did you accept your decision? Did you just drift along waiting for the maternal feelings to flood in, only to wake up one day years later and realise that it never happened? Or did you give yourself permission to accept it earlier in your life and continue to plan your childfree life accordingly?

OP posts:
WhatATimeToBeAlive · 14/08/2018 14:45

When I was younger I assumed that I probably would have children at some point but as I got older the "urge" never kicked in and I didn't particularly like kids anyway. I'm now in my 50s, the urge to reproduce never happened and I love my child-free life with no regrets. I never felt under pressure as I was always adamant that I didn't want kids and everyone knew this. My mum never asked as she knew how I felt, so there were no surprises there for her.

juneavrile · 14/08/2018 14:46

I was pretty convinced that I didn't want children, but just not quite enough that the decision didn't drive me mad every day for fifteen years. I was in a steady relationship with a man who did want them at some point.

There is no point in trying to weigh up the pros and cons. The cons list is convincing and rational. The pros are mainly emotional / experiential. They are hard to express without sounding bland or smug.

I did do it. Twice. I'm very happy that I did, but I am also glad that I left it until late, when I'd had lots of fun and had established a decent career. If i'd known that dp and I could have frozen our embryos at an early point in our relationship, I might have done that and possibly spared myself the years of hand-wringing. (Which is not to say freezing embryos doesn't come with other complications.)

I wouldn't draw any conclusions from my own group of friends about whether the child-free (some by choice, some not) or child-having are happier - finances, career choice and health seem to have a much bigger impact imo.

BuntyII · 14/08/2018 15:16

I guess if you know you know. I thought I might not want any until I lost an ovary and it struck some deep desire within me and became all I could think about. I have my DC now and I'm one of those sad parents everyone hates whose life revolves around their child. But fuck it, I don't care. Nor should you care what people think if you don't have that desire to have a child. There's always someone ready to have a pop whatever choice you make.

Accid · 14/08/2018 15:38

To the person who said motherhood had made them less of a bitch. I am the complete opposite. I was a much nicer person before I had children. I do not have the bottomless wells of patience required. It has brought my marriage to the brink of destruction. I hate what motherhood has done to my body, my mind, my lifestyle. But, I didn't find that out until it was too late and I had already had them. I just don't have an instinctive nurturing nature at all. I feel utterly trapped by being a mother and would far rather be childfree. Which I can never confess in real life. I have name changed for this, as I expect to be shredded for it.

If in any doubt, do not have children. Some people will question your choice, but better that than spending your entire life feeling like you are living someone else's.

itshappened · 14/08/2018 15:58

i really thought i didn't want children... it was a decision i made when i was a teenager, and i remained certain of it as an adult. So much so that it caused many break ups as partners always wanted children. Then I met my husband to be and he did want children, and whilst it nearly broke us, as I insisted motherhood wasn't for me; I eventually decided that if we were going to stay together then I would compromise and had my first child in my mid 30s. And you know what? it was the best decision i ever made. I would happily have 4 or 5 children if money was no object and i was younger. I love my daughter in a way I could never have imagined before she was born, and I was broody for more almost immediately after she was born (despite a horrendous pregnancy and labour!). Being a mum is the greatest honour and privilege for me and I am so glad I changed my mind. Sorry if that sounds gushing, but it really has brought me so much joy and fulfilment, and I still have a successful full time career and the parts of my life from before hand which were worth holding onto.

But in saying all that, motherhood causes a huge shift in your life, and I was absolutely terrified about so many things related to being a mum when we decided to try... and i would be lying if i said i haven't given up a lot of my old self and gone through a lot of heart break a long the way. And it has certainly put a strain on my relationship with my husband at times, and we definitely lost each other during the breast feeding/sleepless nights phase. So if you and your partner are certain about your decision, then you shouldn't worry about not having children. Life fulfilment is not a one size fits all type thing, and you need to do what is right for you, not what society dictates. But also be prepared that things may also change... When I finally decided to go for it, it was because i realised my life, whilst fun, was a bit soulless and meaningless. But there are definitely times I miss the disposable income, being spontaneous, romantic nights with my hubby and going out without worrying about a 5am wake up!

HamsterToast · 14/08/2018 16:06

'Apparently I will never really understand the " real meaning of the life" .'

My mother once said 'your real life doesn't start til you have children'.

So if I never have kids, have I never been alive? Am I the undead?

BiteyShark · 14/08/2018 16:12

When I listen to people say every day they are grateful they had children I feel the opposite. As I grow older every day I am glad I don't.

I am not lonely or unfulfilled and never once look at families and think 'what if'.

For those that say they thought they never wanted children but changed their minds and it's so wonderful now just doesn't make any sense to me. I never feel like if an accident happened I would make the most of it. If my husband suddenly said he wanted them I still wouldn't have one no matter what the consequences. I can't think of any scenario where I would 'change my mind'.

mydogisthebest · 14/08/2018 16:15

It's good that you are thinking it through OP. As I said, me and DH discussed it a lot (and I mean a lot) but most of my friends that do have children have admitted there was no or very little discussion with the OH's. They just had them because apparently that is what you do!

I also know 3 people (2 males and 1 female) who found out once they were married that they and their OH had different views on whether they wanted children or not. All ended up divorcing because of their differing views.

I apparently am not normal, not a real woman and will never know real love because I chose not to have children

TheEmmaDilemma · 14/08/2018 16:19

@Accid It's ok to feel that way. It really is.

It is why I am sure in my decision though.

I'm pleased to hear from more women like myself. Regardless of fertility issues, it wasn't something I desired, and I'm very happy it did not happen.

My partner knows it's not option. He is 10 years younger but is happy with that too. I feel he knows he is also maybe not suited. It's ok to feel that way.

user838383 · 14/08/2018 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EmpressOfSpartacus · 14/08/2018 16:35

I apparently am not normal, not a real woman and will never know real love because I chose not to have children

You do, of course, know that's complete & utter bollocks?

Scifi101 · 14/08/2018 16:42

I have children.

As I said on another thread like this the op when be best served canvassing opinions from people who are child free and those who have had children but that are now adults.

People with babies and toddlers gushing about how wonderful it is need to experience the whole of child hood before commenting!

Also the idea that you don't realise what was missing from your life until you have children is a sentiment that makes me cringe and it was NOT my experience!

Kemer2018 · 14/08/2018 16:43

I should have stayed child free.

BiteyShark · 14/08/2018 16:53

Children don't stay children though. They become adults

Umm I think that is missing the point. I have no desire to be a parent. I don't want a baby, care for a toddler, help a child do their homework not help an adult child navigate through life. It doesn't make any difference to me that children grow up. I simply don't want the experience of parenthood which lasts a life time.

MorrisZapp · 14/08/2018 17:00

I was ambivalent. Never felt maternal or broody. Made an intellectual decision to go for it, late thirties.

I have a lovely son now, but after nearly forty years of happiness I hit a hideous depression. I felt, viscerally, that I had made a mistake.

It can't be changed, and I'm a happy, healthy mother now but in all honesty I wouldn't advise any ambivalent woman to have a kid because it might be nice.

The only people who should be having kids are those who truly, desperately want to.

Here, have my permission to remain happily childless :)

Accid · 14/08/2018 17:17

@boopsy. You are the one who sounds like a smug parent, talking about your fantastic humans and feeling sorry for your happily childfree friend. It is NOT the blink of an eye. It is a fucking long slog for a lot of us. Years of the prime of my life when I could have been traveling and enjoying my life given to child rearing thanklessness.

Lottapianos · 14/08/2018 17:23

'I was pretty convinced that I didn't want children, but just not quite enough that the decision didn't drive me mad every day for fifteen years'

Oh how I hear you! I have often envied people who just always knew that children were not for them , without any of the angst. It's been exhausting at times

Verbena87 · 14/08/2018 17:41

I have often envied people who just always knew that children were not for them , without any of the angst.

Do you think some of the angst comes from society’s expectations rather than an inner self, though? I’ve always been a bit of an ‘outsider’ and am conscious of feeling more included by more people since becoming a mother, which feels kind of similar to when we got married and I realised how easy it all was because we’re heterosexuals with U.K. passports - this unsettling thing of noticing a strong social bias that I’d just not specially thought about before.

Either way, staying child free is an absolutely valid choice, and certainly an ethical one.

EmpressOfSpartacus · 14/08/2018 17:45

Its such a small chunk of your life and you can still do everything you want to do.

Right. OK. Sacrifice roughly a fifth of your life doing something you don't want to do because it will hopefully be worth it in the end?

No thanks.

stevie69 · 14/08/2018 18:35

Right. OK. Sacrifice roughly a fifth of your life doing something you don't want to do because it will hopefully be worth it in the end?

No thanks.

Agree with your sentiment but I'll rework the maths. A fifth of your life? My Dad's 80 and still fusses whenever I get a cold. And checks to see whether I've got a suitable winter coat Grin. I'm 51, so that's over 3/5 of his life. And counting ..... It's not for the faint-hearted.

EmpressOfSpartacus · 14/08/2018 18:48

Agree with your sentiment but I'll rework the maths.

Point taken!

SerenDippitty · 14/08/2018 18:51

It must be like having a worry chip inserted in your brain that cannot ever be switched off or removed, ever.

user838383 · 14/08/2018 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamBatty · 14/08/2018 19:07

A friend of a friend had a baby today. She’s 49. It’s great that she got what she really wanted.

It’s my idea of hell.

juneavrile · 14/08/2018 19:10

So OP, what do you make of the responses?

I've read the whole thread and it just reminds me that all the time you are not 100% sure, it's a headache. All very well for those who never wanted children to tell you they are happy / it's okay / nobody else's business, but it's not the same as having a tiny chink of doubt.

Honestly, there's no resolution because there's only one way to find out the absolute answer. In the mean time, I advise working on a very good way of fielding the question 'when are you.....' that lasts until your mid 40s.