to be concerned with SD's obsession with babies?

[Yannia]

My first is due in November. Me and DH so excited, and so is SD, 7. Problem is, she's obsessed with babies, and this makes me extremely nervous. This paired with her inability to listen has made me dread her being around when DC is born.

Last week, I went to visit a friend who has a 2 month old. SD came with me. I thought it would be nice for her to spend some time with a tiny baby before her brother/sister is born. She was absolutely awful. She wouldn't put the baby down, my friend had to tell her off, when she was put down for a nap in the next room, SD said she was going to the toilet, however she was actually going to see baby. She woke the baby up and when my friend went in baby had milk on her face. SD had taken one of her milk bottles and tried to feed her even though she was told not to. She lied about going to the toilet. When I held baby, she whined and said that the baby wanted her, not me and went off in a strop when I told her not to be rude and that babies are not toys. She tried to put her toy dummy from her doll in the baby's mouth and in the end, we had to leave.

I was completely embarrassed, my friend was stressed and had asked me not to bring her round again until baby is older (completely understandable), and even though this is something we have talked to her about numerous times, she just will not listen.

I love that she loves babies, and know that when the novelty has worn off she will likely be a wonderful big sister, however I am so nervous about those early weeks and don't want to have to worry about leaving baby on their own in their Moses basket briefly whilst I pee/brush my teeth/shower etc.

How do me and DH tackle this? We have talked to her sternly about it but it just seems to be a recurring thing every time she is around a baby. It's worrying me and I'm close to saying that I refuse to have her on my own when baby is first born because I can't cope with both of them.

I understand I may sound like I'm being completely over the top, I just worry about my baby, am extremely anxious already and could really use some advice on how to tackle this.

Sorry for the long post.

Thanks. Y

Winnie what exactly is making you so sure that OP has 'rigid expectations of motherhood'? To the point you are telling her to seek help from HCPs...?

I'm not seeing that at all. From what I can see her concerns are understandable, and she is asking advice for how to mitigate the (obvious) risks. What is making you think differently?

OP, I don't think an epic school run of that length will be feasible in the early days. No chance DH could say to work that he can't do any trips away during the initial period? Or could he work from home a bit, so he can take SD to school?

If your DH has 50/50 custody of his daughter then he will need to discuss any change to that with his ex won't he? And if it can't be changed, then unless your DH can change his work pattern, then you will have to have your SD on your own. I'm not sure who you are expecting to solve this problem for you because you seem to be saying that your DH can't take more than 2 weeks off. I don't think you can expect your SD's mother to facilitate a 6 week change either unless it is something you know she would be happy to do - presumably there would be a knock-on effect for her childcare arrangements etc. Would your DH take your SD full time for 6 weeks to facilitate his ex if she were having a new baby?

It's the dad that has 50:50 though, not the OP. Fundamentally this is his problem to resolve. I'd look at home help options for that after school time, and if the dad's relationship with the SD's mum are good then a conversation about changing hours for a little time when the new baby is tiny too. Just because contact is court ordered doesn't mean that the parents can agree a temporary variation.

Sympathies OP, my elder child had impulse control issues. It didn't matter what the consequences might be as he wasn't able to think about them when he was being impulsive, he just acted and then usually regretted things afterwards, and then did the same thing again. Not related to his younger sister for us, there is a very short gap between them so child gates worked fine until she was big enough to hold her own.

At the risk of falling into an MN cliche she sounds very like my eldest daughter who is autistic and has adhd. She's 11 and can't be trusted anywhere despite being quite high functioning and having a good comprehension of right and wrong. But if she wants to do something she does it and damn the consequences.

I can see both sides of what people are saying. Why don't you see how it goes. If she's a nightmare agree with dh that she doesn't come over when he's not there until the baby is older. Will only be a few months.

However has anyone considered the possibility that you may have a c section at which point you will legally be unable to drive sd to school. Then what will her parents do?!

Yannia you absolutely have the right to look forward and enjoy your baby without this stress.

Where is your SD father in all this ? It sounds like your SD is spending a load of time with you on your own when you should be relaxing and enjoying your pregnancy.
What about her mum ? Is this a 50/50 care set up with care split between her mother and you as default woman !
She is 7 years old. So are we talking about shared care 3/4 evenings nights a week with you expected to do all the work ? Why would you ever be in a position that you and SD are alone with baby. ? If your DH is not there due to work or other commitments then default parent is her mother. Not you. You have no obligation to put your enjoyment of first baby on the back burner because neither of your child's parents are caring for her.

My 7yo does not need constant supervision. No way she would go and get matches out. This behaviour needs looking into by her PARENTS and dealt with by them. Dh should be be expecting you to parent her.

I think the op is being reasonable. I would be flat out no , over my cold dead body to doing that drive in the early baby days, I’m simply too sleep deprived and would put everyone’s life at risk. Also, it is the dhs child, and routines do change in the early period with a new baby. Look into the mothers help option op and don’t let people make you feel like shit about it- I considered it for my first with no family around!

And if your dh is as uncommitted to parenting as it sounds and thinks you just have to manage, have a back up plan such as packing up baby and going to stay at your mums . He will have to manage. It’s crappy for the little girl but it’s already super crap for her if her dad isn’t there for her and has offloaded parenting.

None of this is your problem Op. it's for her dad to sort out and organise between him and her mother.
He needs to step up and you need to make it VERY clear that you are not available for child care for at least six weeks pp. Whst he sorts with your SD mother is up to him.
If he isn't listening then you need to make a plan before birth to take yourself to your parents or close friends whilst your DH is away at work. Stop being the default child care doormat !

Yup - dad needs to sort out. Sorry I could be wrong but did you say he works away for weeks at a time? Does that mean you look after her when he's not there?

@StayAChild the milk was just an unfinished bottle that was on the counter.

Winnie what exactly is making you so sure that OP has 'rigid expectations of motherhood'? To the point you are telling her to seek help from HCPs...?

This ^ I'm so confused by it. I have no expectations of motherhood at all...

@Redken24 he is occasionally away for extended periods but usually just very long days getting back late. On these occasions I have helped with childcare as his wife, which I haven't minded as I've been able to and have no other commitments which prevent me. I can't however once baby is born. It's just not possible or fair.

I carried ds1 round in his Moses basket while I showered etc - I have a moba one that has great handles and works well for this. I’m about to have my second and while ds is generally well behaved I’m aware I will need to watch him like a hawk as he is just too little to see consequences properly.

You will just need to have the baby with you at all times. Great idea to give her specific tasks and praise her when she’s calm and helping out.

I’m also a bit struck by twenty mins time out. That’s a lot of time (we don’t do timeouts at all, I’m not convinced they worknor are beneficial.)

One last thing - do you have a backup plan for if there are issues with the birth? A c section will see you unable to drive for 2-3 weeks minimum.

@Bowlofbabelfish I'm trying to find a plan which prevents me from driving this amount of time regardless of c section to be honest. I don't want to be doing those long journeys for the first few weeks on no sleep!

The time-out thing has nothing to do with me. It's what her mum and Dad have done before and it's only when she's been very naughty to the point that she could've hurt someone seriously. I do as her dad says when it comes to this as she needs routine and to have the same discipline at mums and dads. Nothing to do with me.

@HarshingMyMellow so I'm left with all the childcare and having to do 40 mile school runs at two weeks pp and being left alone with DHs difficult daughter for extended periods whilst he works and has zero input in to school runs and little input in to childcare, again at 2 weeks pp, and your advice isn't for DH to help out more, but for me to just take this all on despite my concerns and deal with it because 'I'm a mother now'

Nice to know this all falls on me!

Teach her. Obviously

As a disclaimer, I don't yet have children (currently pregnant with my first) - I was however a stepchild who was pushed out when my siblings came along; now work with children with challenging behaviour and have pets which mean I need to consider baby's safety when it arrives (although I can at least put them in the garden if I need a break!).

One thing I would suggest is having a short list of things (maybe 3) that she is allowed to do for the baby - could be really simple things like checking how many clean babygros you have left so she can tell you if washing needs doing for baby. Changing language to what the child is allowed to do can help (e.g. when most children are told 'don't run' they know that means they need to walk, whereas others don't make the connection and an instruction such as 'walk please' is much more effective). Have the things she is allowed to do written up somewhere so she can see it. I think the list should be quite short so she can actually remember what is on it.

I think reflecting on her behaviour is fine, although 20 minutes might be too long, especially if she is just thinking. Maybe give her 3 questions to answer - What did I do? What could have happened? What should I have done differently? She may not make the connection between her behaviour and the consequences. I think it is really important that children understand why they shouldn't be doing things.

I have no experience of parenting yet so this may be of no use whatsoever, it is just a couple of things we use with the children I work with.

PS - my suggestions are things all of you can do together (including her mum) so it doesn't just fall to one person.

Thanks @voxnihili and please understand that I'm only here posting as I want to deal with this appropriately and so she doesn't feel pushed out. A small change in her routine for 6 weeks is all I'm asking and after this or when baby is old enough I will aim to go as back to normal as possible.

Your post is really helpful and will definitely talk to DH about reducing the 20 minutes and the language we use around her.

Am trying my best!

I think your DH needs to step up a lot more as well. It’s possible you may not physically be able to drive - I had a section with the first and I wasn’t driving again until the full 6 weeks. Often it’s much shorter but I lost a lot of blood and was flattened for weeks - recovery was straightforward but not fast. So you need that backup plan.

I am about to have my second and we are really aware of the first feeling pushed out so we have little gifts wrapped and things ready to do to spoil him a bit (days out with GPs who are coming to visit from a long way off for example.)

Sorry if I’ve missed it - are there grandparents or family on the scene? This is the time to draft in any help you can.

Sit down with DH and talk through all this in a scenario based way - what if I can’t drive? How will I manage x and y? I’m not comfortable with x. Really push Home to him that this is something (and specific with scenarios) that you foresee problems with.

You say the relationship with her mother is amicable as well? Have you spoken to her? Not in a ‘take her more’ way but to ask her for her opinions on how to manage well. Does her Mum have younger children too for example?

It’s an anxious time (I’m feeling it myself!) you WILL manage though.

The set up seems really odd in the first place that a step parent has sole care of a child for weeks and does a punitive school run. How on earth did this set up evolve? Why did you agree to it in the first place? Why does he want / have sole care for so long if he's not even there?

I totally understand - my stepmother was awful and to be honest I was a model child. I get that it is different with a stepchild as you are technically a first time mum as you've not had to look after a baby before - I know I'm terrified despite all my years of experience looking after children. I don't think you're unreasonable for wanting a slight change in routine - particularly the driving.

In terms of the list of things she can do, you could have a couple for when baby is awake and a couple for when baby is asleep. If the things she is allowed to do for baby are only when baby is awake, there might be a lot of temptation for her to wake baby.

You have rather rigid expectations of first-time motherhood.

What a load of hillocks! Ignore this Op!

You won’t be able to do such a ridiculous school run because babies should not be in car seats for extended periods of time. That won’t change after a few weeks.