to be concerned with SD's obsession with babies?

[Yannia]

My first is due in November. Me and DH so excited, and so is SD, 7. Problem is, she's obsessed with babies, and this makes me extremely nervous. This paired with her inability to listen has made me dread her being around when DC is born.

Last week, I went to visit a friend who has a 2 month old. SD came with me. I thought it would be nice for her to spend some time with a tiny baby before her brother/sister is born. She was absolutely awful. She wouldn't put the baby down, my friend had to tell her off, when she was put down for a nap in the next room, SD said she was going to the toilet, however she was actually going to see baby. She woke the baby up and when my friend went in baby had milk on her face. SD had taken one of her milk bottles and tried to feed her even though she was told not to. She lied about going to the toilet. When I held baby, she whined and said that the baby wanted her, not me and went off in a strop when I told her not to be rude and that babies are not toys. She tried to put her toy dummy from her doll in the baby's mouth and in the end, we had to leave.

I was completely embarrassed, my friend was stressed and had asked me not to bring her round again until baby is older (completely understandable), and even though this is something we have talked to her about numerous times, she just will not listen.

I love that she loves babies, and know that when the novelty has worn off she will likely be a wonderful big sister, however I am so nervous about those early weeks and don't want to have to worry about leaving baby on their own in their Moses basket briefly whilst I pee/brush my teeth/shower etc.

How do me and DH tackle this? We have talked to her sternly about it but it just seems to be a recurring thing every time she is around a baby. It's worrying me and I'm close to saying that I refuse to have her on my own when baby is first born because I can't cope with both of them.

I understand I may sound like I'm being completely over the top, I just worry about my baby, am extremely anxious already and could really use some advice on how to tackle this.

Sorry for the long post.

Thanks. Y

OP I seriously sympathise with you 💐... I was in similar situation with SS's , I loved those boys to death but I too was becoming a mum for the first time and needed time to adjust.

They were not really difficult just typical boys, mischievous etc.

OH had shard custody with their mum (who was a bitch!) and I really found it difficult trying to look after s new born (1st DC) and SS's , I broke down and went to my mums as I felt suffocated and never got to rest as was running after SS's, OH couldn't understand how I was feeling etc .

Lucky enough OH spoke to his mum actually whinging 'I was out of order' when his mum turned around and told him ' No, (me) has just gave birth to her 1st child and you have SS's there, whilst I'm trying to bond and nurture with new born, yes let SS's come see the baby , still have usual contact just not sleeping over for a couple of weeks as (me) will be exhausted and getting new born in routine etc'...it worked he understood.

It wasn't I didn't want SS's there as they were lovely amazing boys but a new baby is such a massive thing especially your first and everyone has to be understanding from all ways.

Don't worry OP I get what your saying and good look with the arrival 👶💐

I'm sure she's just really excited and i think giving her jobs as suggested is a lovely way to involve her. It's good that you're noticing and addressing this now before the baby arrives.

My sister has a friend who's daughter was obsessed with babies but it was really unhealthy and not dealt with properly. She's an only child and when my sister had my niece she would always want to visit, hold the baby, feed the baby, change nappies etc. but she wouldn't listen when told no or that's enough or be gentle. She would literally sit there staring at you if you held the baby once telling me that the baby hated being held by everyone apart from her so she's going to take her away. She's the same age as my oldest niece and I went round one day when she was visiting with her mum.

Baby niece was asleep in the Moses basket, about 2 months old, my niece and other girl were both 7 and sat in the same room as the baby and me having something to eat. My sister was in the shower and the other mum was outside smoking.

The girl asked me for a drink so I went to get one and then heard shouting. Went back in to find she had dragged the older niece on to the floor and was standing on her whilst trying to push little pieces of food in to the baby's mouth, laughing saying "The baby is hungry and only I can feed her"

I grabbed the baby who was coughing on food, made sure she was ok and then pulled the girl out to her mum and told her what had happened. The mum just said she was trying to help and she loved babies her behaviour wasn't just a little girl who loves babies but I think she wanted to hurt the baby. This was years ago and she's since accused her step dad of abuse which was completely made up, did the same with a teacher in school and has now been banned from after school club for bullying the younger children.

When DS was born the friend bought him a present and asked if she could visit with her daughter and I told her no because I couldn't trust her daughter around him.

I don't think she's saying that at all, though.

I think it could indeed be a problem to have the two of them in a car together and be driving so you can't stop and intervene - a seven year old is in a seatbelt, not a harness, so can easily move around and do inappropriate things in the car. I think it makes sense for somebody else to take over the school runs.

As for being able to breastfeed, take the baby to another room etc - that's more difficult - if you had say a two year old, you wouldn't be able to do that although you might be able to snatch a moment while they were distracted playing, watching TV, in a playpen etc. In other words, you could do it but you couldn't realistically choose when, and that seems the most comparable here. If it was a dog as somebody else made the comparison, you can shut a dog in another room if you need a break from supervising them. You can't really put a 7yo in a playpen, though, or shut them in a room! And while most 7yos would be fine if you said "Stay in here a minute as I need to put the baby down" it sounds like this particular 7yo might not actually be able to cope with that. So perhaps that particular expectation is unrealistic in this case. You won't necessarily be able to just take time for yourself/the new baby whenever you want it because that's the reality of having two children. Unfortunately I think that is part of the reality of stepparenting too, but I don't think it's a terrible OR pushing-away kind of solution to ask for another adult to be around, particularly during the week that the OP's DH is working away - it's really not unusual to have a grandparent for example come to help out with older DC when you have your second child, it's simply about having another pair of hands.

So I'm thinking - realistically - OP's DH has 2 weeks paternity - fine.

Then 1-2 weeks when a grandparent comes to stay (if at all feasible)

Then maybe having someone who is able to pop in and give you a hand for a couple of hours a day for a further couple of weeks - that gets you to about 5/6 weeks in.

It's not perfect and it's still going to be tricky, but the SD isn't around 24/7, she does go to school, lives with her mum some of the time, etc. It is important that she doesn't feel pushed out but I'm not seeing anything about her being pushed out, more that the OP wants support from other adults in the family?

Rather than being defensive about the matches, please do take on board my point about discussing your concerns with your MW. Your commitment to a specific way of being a first time mother is something she should be aware of so she can support you accordingly.

@BertieBotts I completely agree with all you've just said and also agree that I won't ever experience having only one child in my life. That I need to adjust to that idea. Very sad that no grandparents around to help, but I do have lots of friends that I hope will be around as they've said they will be. Would never expect them to do a school run but can imagine they'll want to come round for cuddles!

I think Yannia's getting a hard time here. Many FTM are nervous - and she's had multiple miscarriages. Of course she's anxious about how things will go when she has the baby.

I also think that the SD's behaviour sounds quite challenging (and that Yannia is talking about her in a very supportive way). I teach older kids, but there are 7 year olds in my school. The SD's over-interest in a baby, particularly one she's not related to, is unusual - notably so. I've only ever known one or two children like this. OP also says that SD "finds it hard to listen" and has temper tantrums. The amount she describes is also unusual for this age group. Not extreme, but certainly not to be expected.

OP - what support are the parents looking into for their child? I'm concerned that there may be something being missed here. Many girls with ADD/ASD don't get diagnosed because they appear to conform to social rules quite well. But - social immaturity, lack of impulse control, temper tantrums, lies/manipulation, not listening, can all be part of these diagnoses. Has anyone considered these? Are school involved and is she the same there? How does she get on with her friends at school? It sounds like her parents make a pretty good team, so are they thinking through these things with school?

Also - I don't think a 2 week old should be in a car for an 80 mile trip. I have no idea what the practical solution is. Can the parents talk about varying the contact order for a short period so that she still sees her Dad, but you don't have to do that much driving with a newborn? It really isn't recommended for them to be in a car seat for too long.

Good luck - I hope you get some plans in place that work for all of you.

On a practical front- whilst things settling down, get a baby monitor and keep it with you when she’s about, so if you’re in the loo etc you can hear if she’s gone into baby’s room etc. Also, a Moses basket left inside a playpen on the floor is quite difficult for smaller kids to reach. They need long arms. Would slow down the sneaky behaviour....

OP I get where you're coming from. You need to learn to be a mum to a newborn.

How has the conversation with SD's mother gone? Was she made fully aware of everything her daughter tried to and did to and with the baby?

Perhaps it would be beneficial for SD for you and her parents (and her step dad if there is one) to sit in a room together and talk?

I can understand you being a bit nervous. When the second baby comes along, you do worry about how the first one will react. When it's your own child, you just have to work through it. When it's not your own child, you have a choice whether to treat that child as your own, as a real part of the family and work through it, or whether to get rid of them for a bit. If you choose the second option, you aren't making your step daughter a proper part of the family the way you should be. You can dress it up all you like but having a child involves working through these kinds of things, not getting rid of them for a bit because they're not really yours anyway.

@WinnieFosterTether I'm going to be defensive to an extent. It was irrelevant and you made a point of raising it as a separate issue.

I've explained that my view of being a first time mother is not what you think I think it is. I'm not expecting to never have SD around and I simply want a little extra support from my DH. I really don't need a HV to discuss my expectations with me as I don't think my expectations are unreasonable. I just don't want to be doing school runs or left on my own with a difficult 7 year old who has previously displayed dangerous behaviour towards a baby at 2 weeks pp, and wanted to know whether this was U or not. I don't think that's something I need to discuss with a HV but I will certainly discuss how to cope with SD behaviour.

I think you’re in a difficult situation (and I say this as someone who is pregnant and has a partner who already has a child). Unfortunately the risk is if your step-daughter feels “pushed out” then you’re more likely to have issues/problem behaviour so you will be making your life harder in the long run.

Rather than saying that you want no time alone with her and the baby for the first six weeks could you compromise and just be alone with her for shorter periods, like a few hours in the morning or afternoon? If she’s used to spending time with just you and then suddenly doesn’t see you on her own at all then I’d worry that she’ll feel very hurt and unwanted.

I agree with others that the novelty of the baby will probably wear off pretty quickly once she has one around all the time. Are there activities or hobbies you can do with her that she particularly enjoys that might distract her from the baby? I know it’s going to be hard managing that alongside a newborn but as others have said unfortunately that does come with being a step-parent.

As far as the school run goes that’s sonething that really should have been discussed/decided when you were planning to have a baby. I don’t think you are being unreasonable to say you can’t manage but again for your step-daughter it’s going to be another big change to her routine at a time when she most needs stability and reassurance. Are there changes that can be made slowly e.g. your husband or someone else doing the school run a couple of days a week so it’s not such a big change for her when the baby comes?

YANBU to want time to focus on your newborn but unfortunately YABU if you have chosen to be closely involved in your stepdaughter’s life and you now want to suddenly change your level of involvement because you are having your own child. That’s not fair and could be very harmful to her.

Your mental health after giving birth is so, so important. If you have the kind of husband who will look at you blankly when you point out you're not going to be springing about the house and up for driving long distances to school and back within days of the birth, I would be worried too. I just think that it should have occurred to someone (DH preferably given his ex gave birth, MiL or BiL/SiL if you have one) that you might struggle on your own with a little girl who doesn't listen to you like her parent and a newborn. If she was straight in there playing with fire when you went to the toilet, how are you going to watch her when breastfeeding or changing?

Thinking on the school run front. If you did want to do the school run and felt up to it, and if you're worried about their safety whilst you drive, would it be an option to put baby in front with you and DSD in back? Not sure if that would be an option and I'm not at all suggestion you have to do the school run, just trying to find an alternative that may work for you.

@Darkstar4855 surely the level of involvement would change for a short while for any child when a newborn is on the scene? I'm talking about extra support from Dad for 4-6 weeks, not no involvement from me forever. I think my concerns have been misconstrued.

Oh I don't know @hammeringinmyhead - I'll just have to try!

I don't think ANY FTM wants an audience as they get to grips with breast feeding. A 7 year old who won't back off would be really disruptive to establishing that.

OP - are there any colleges around you, or nurseries, where they may be trainee or nursery carers? I'm just wondering if you can hire in a few hours of "mother's help" for a few weeks? The nursery that DD went to had workers who would do babysitting on evenings/weekends, and they also took care of older kids during the summer break. Any chance you can find someone like that?

@PoesyCherish this is probably what I will do once DC is older and I'm happier to do long journeys

You shouldn't have to though and you shouldn't have to be the one to raise it first.

@KickAssAngel I live in the middle of nowhere so don't think I could but will certainly consider it if there's such a service nearby!

Yannia you're missing my point. You have rather rigid expectations of first-time motherhood. Even if there was no SD, you should discuss these expectations with your MW so they can support you.

I agree @WinnieFosterTether that I'm missing your point.

If th days are fixed through a court order and your Dh does no school drop offs or pick ups, what is going to happen when your baby is able to go to a pre-school or nursery as many do to start socialising and getting ready for school? Or when the baby starts school? Are the young both going to have to go to the same school at a significant distance? Or is your baby going to have to have a childminder/breakfast club so that you can be the taxi for the SD? I know it is a long way away but if you are expected to take both children on this long school drive ( assuming you do not work) is this long term? I remember being told not to drive a new baby for Kong I now a car seat due to breathing being compromised; think there is a maximum recommended time to be in a car seat from memory.

A long waffle post to say I think your dh needs to review his role as a parent. If you broke up how would he get his daughter, aged 7, to and from school? And when his next child needs to go to school how can one person manage two very different distances?

My niece was like this with her baby brother and my SIL couldn’t leave him alone for a minute. She tried to shove his dummy down his throat (she was 4 at the time). My SIL was beside herself with worry and she spoke to her health visitor who told her she had to keep the baby with her at all times. She had to wear one of those baby slings and whenever she needed to shower she and go make sure someone was there to look after the baby.

Eventually the novelty wore off, and her daughter was fine with her brother.

Big hugs to you but I’m sure after a little while she will get bored of him xx

It's a tricky one. Going back to your first post, where did your SD get the baby milk from?

Posters are actually suggesting OP employ a 'mothers help'?

If you're worried about coping to that degree then I agree with @WinnieFosterTether - speak to your HV.

The level of involvement doesn't change. Your a mother, you get on with it. You choose to have a baby, then you deal with whatever life throws at you afterwards.

I'm due my second soon. I will be establishing BF whilst looking after my first.
Parents do it all the time.