Advice needed please - child arrangement order

[Standinguptononsense]

Not really an Aibu as such but posted for traffic.

My ex husband and I have been separated for over 3 years. We have a court order in place for the children as of Oct 2016.

He is not taking me back to court because I won't agree to a spreadsheet dictating when each of us takes the children to the dentist, Dr's, hairdressers, get there feet measured and when they speak to the other parent when they are not with them! Despite me saying we can have a conversation about it, because I won't go to mediation (because a, there's no point and b I can't afford it). I've very recently remarried so I. Wonder if this has sparked his narcissist traits off again and he's trying to control every last thing.

Does anyone have an experience of this?

Thanks in advance

Xxx

Note it all down. Backs up your assertion that this is about the him and his control over you.

It's really tough.

Absolutely. It's never about the children is it.

Definitely my ex! My DD6 is NEVER allowed to call me.
It is worth keeping a log of events, but my judge isn't remotely interested. The rights of the father seem to far outweigh the rights of the child in my family court.

In your position I would seriously look at what appointments I was prepared to "give over" to ex, rather than have to work jointly with him on every minute detail of every appointment. I wouldn't recommend that in "normal" separations (I'd be saying parents should try to work together) but I know that this is about control of you and how you do the ordinary things.

What's your family court?

I've had my cafcass letter now. So hopefully speak with them soon.

Gets your bullet points written down but they will guide you through. I know it is a bit pot luck in whole family court system but cafcass have been absolutely fine (better than fine in one instance) with me

Do I need to. Send anything else with the c7 acknowledgement form? My version of events etc or literally just the form? Thanks

Sorry @Standinguptononsense..didn't see this till now. I think I filled in another form too which detailed abuse. I'm a bit hazy on details. You could also write a position statement and include that.

As a litigant in person (self repping) I do think they understand that you don't know the exact way things are mean that to be done and don't be afraid of pointing that out.

I handed position statement in to the usher and asked that she give it to judge on the day. It included a hand written note explaining that ex was attempting to intimidate me in the waiting area.

I've a feeling the other form was c100 but don't quote me. I'll Google..

... Not c100 it was c1a. You can download it

Thank you. I've had my cafcass interview over the phone. She has sent the report and he claims I've stopped him attending some appointments but I've no idea which ones. He also said I speak negatively in front of the children. Which I don't and in her statement she said if it's true which suggests she doesn't believe him.

I've prepared a statement already so good to know I can hand that to the usher onthe day.

I can't believe the court have allowed this nonsense to be given any time and money. What a waste and abuse of the system. I can't remember your thread in detail but I've recently been made aware of a new practice direction 12J which says the courts MUST take into account any domestic abuse when making court orders. So the fact that he is coercively controlling you through the court system is a criminal offence and needs to be dealt with. Don't let him bully you. Have a look at New Practice Direction 12J and raise this with the court. Cafcass are fucking useless. Hear one thing, write another. It's a joke.

Standing... Just make sure you give a copy to the other side too.

Perverse thanks for sharing that. V interesting reading

Perverse. That's exactly what it felt like.

So on the day give him a copy of my statement (and evidence emails etc) as well as one copy or more for judge?

It's a nightmare. Can't believe it's got this far.

This sounds like my ex husband - it's all about control. 7.5 years on he's still trying to control me to the point where he wants to know what I spend my money on and how much I am saving for my daughter's education etc. As others have said, take the power away from him and ignore him. If he doesn't get a reaction, he loses.

Sounds Familiar. He tells me what his maintence does and doesn't cover!

Yep, I've had that convo before as well. It's taken me many years of practice for it to now be water off a duck's back - don't let him have the power my love.

Mine recently told me off for shopping in sainsburys as it's "not the cheapest" because I had the temerity to ask I'd he would contribute towards uniform costs.

3 years on and I'm getting there slowly. His family are awful too. My eldest said to me that daddy tell him what he's eating for breakfast at his. He has the same thing here every day and asks for it. Dad has given him something he doesn't want!

If it helps standing, my ds will eat and try more stuff within his Dad than at home because his Dad is controlling and stricter. On the upside he's found new foods he likes which he wouldn't even try if I offered them. You have to pick your battles even mentally.

Yeah I agree. I'm getting better at that. It's his choice how to behave. Not mine. X

I've found out today that he is trying to get the appointments agreed in writing that they are equally shared so he can go back to the cms and say he does half.... He's trying to not pay for his kids again. It's not an even split of nights so the order so I'm not sure it really changes much....

How did you find this out?

Write your bullet point. Back up with evidence.

What an idiot!!!

One of his in laws messaged me. We’ve been in contact for a while now. I trust her. She’s hatching an escape plan for her partner as well. His family are just awful.